Negotiations with the Lord

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012

Negotiations With the Lord

When I was fourteen years old, I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking him to please get me out of the toxic environment I was living in, and I would promise to follow him and serve.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer to let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home, I asked again to let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple. She's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive and first diagnosed with breast cancer, she asked her husband Ray to give her a blessing. She told him that all she wanted was to live long enough to see her three boys go on missions. She went into remission for approximately 14 years. When Kurt, her youngest boy, came home from his mission, her cancer returned, and within a few months, she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 years since my first negotiations started. I have a feeling negotiations are going to end. I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon. I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means it's on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year and start 2013. I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday, January 04, with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago, and he said things look good. I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them. I also have some tests on the calendar, and my family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me and has for years. It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and she chose not to soften her heart. Now, I appreciate the Holidays, and I love the spirit it brings into my heart. 3 years ago, my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body. I don't think I had given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family were going through then.

 I often talk to the caregivers where I volunteer. One common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, constantly feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be mad with or why they are angry. Recently I received an email from one of our patient's caregivers. She wanted to see if it was "normal" to feel her anger after losing her friend. She wanted to know what she could have done to better serve her friend. When you are struck with a cancer diagnosis, there is no NORMAL to life. I have learned from volunteering that people going through this journey often differ entirely from their caregivers. I'm so grateful I can volunteer. Many people have said to me, "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people, I always smile and say, "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering than I would have ever learned. I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could have ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question, "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been that we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises, and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us. Still, life happens, and all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't, but I do believe, at least for me, I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there. However, the experience has softened my heart and helped me be more compassionate, and if you know me well, you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13, I detest--

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It's a Wonderful Life

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2012

It's a wonderful life

Unbelievably I have never seen the movie "It's a wonderful life" my sister Sonya has always watched it every year and encouraged me to do the same, but until this year I never took her up on that challenge. We went to the Cinemark movie theater in Tempe as a family to watch it on the big screen. WOW, what a fantastic old movie. Even in black and white, I was mesmerized by the story and genuinely enjoyed it.

Sometimes, we all get down on ourselves and forget to recognize the good we do. Even trivial things can change a life. I have often thought, "What if, and should I have done this differently, or why did I do that?" I have not always believed that people come into our lives for a reason or that some of the trials or even joys we have in our lives are meant to be. They just happen. I no longer believe this to be true. Of course, we have the agency to choose good or bad choices, but they always come with a consequence. Agency is never FREE.  I have a feeling if any of us were to be in the same position as George (It's a wonderful Life) and allowed to see what the world would have been like if we were never born, we would all be surprised at the things we do daily that has changed someone's life. Not only to our families and ourselves but to the everyday person we pass on the street or see in the store.  A smile or a simple "hello, can I help you" would and could change a life.

On Christmas Eve, we had all of our children and their families over for dinner. The only instructions I gave them were to be prepared to share a story of Christmas or one of their most memorable Christmas. I opened by reading "The Christmas Train" by Thomas S. Monson. Then I shared a few of my favorite Christmas memories, one being remembered as a child.  My mother gave me a white Holy Bible with my name inscribed on the front. I thought I was never going to stop smiling. I still have that Bible. Another story I told was about when Eric and I were dating. His mom bought me a gift, but miss placed it. She searched and searched and felt so badly thinking she had thrown it out with the garbage by accident.  I never cared about that gift, but I did care about that fact that I knew she loved me, she always showed me love and genuine compassion, to me that alone was worth more than anything she could of bought from a store.  The last story I told was when Blake was on his mission, that very 1st Christmas, I was going through my chemo treatments, oh how I missed him and honestly was not feeling well, not knowing if I would ever see him again made my heart hurt, but hearing his voice on Christmas day I think was the best Christmas gift I have ever been given.

Haleigh, my youngest daughter just got engaged a few days before Christmas to Scott Bigalow.  He told a story about his father dying when he was only 8 years old, before that time his dad was always the one who provided the mountain bikes and fun gifts for the boys, but the year he died was Christmas he said he would never forget.  They had no money and I'm sure his mom was  worried about how she would pay for food and utilities, in other words Christmas gifts were probably not on the top of the list of things to do.  One night his family was home and they heard noises outside, they all ran to see what was going on, it was Brad Wardrop hanging Christmas lights on their home.  He was a neighbor and close friend of the family. As tears ran down Scott's face I wondered if Brad even knew what an impact he had made on this kid.

Blake told stories from his mission, tears filled his eyes when he talked about those two Christmas's away from his home, but one, in particular, that really left a lasting impression on him. He said it was a Christmas he will never forget, the best Christmas he has ever had and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the gifts he received , in particular,but more about the service he was able to give.

My son-in-law Bria rarely cries in 4 years, Kaitlyn said she has only cried once when his grandmother passed away.  I was impressed with his ability to see past all of the "fun" in Christmas. The 1st words out of his mouth were, "my heart hurts tonight for all of the mothers and fathers who will have a hard time going to sleep not knowing how they will provide a memorable Christmas for their children" I immediately put a blanket over my face as not to look at him while he cried. He could hardly speak, and I was weeping underneath my blanket. Quietly saying a prayer, one for all those families, and two telling Heavenly Father thank you for my family, we are truly blessed. I am blessed to have such a wonderful son in laws and a beautiful daughter-in-law who also lost her mother in December of 2009.

They all shared stories and thoughts, by the end of the night there were no dry eyes, we made a family goal for 2013, we said a family prayer, and ate cheesecake.

I truly do have a wonderful life.

Where was God?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2012

Where was God?

As our country is mourning the loss of twenty kindergarten children who were so tragically gunned downed and killed in their classroom, the question has come up "Where was God?" One of the most ignorant things I think I have ever heard came out of the mouth of Bryan Fischer from the American Family Association:

"Where was God when all this went down? Here's the bottom line: God is not gonna go where he is not wanted school... We've kicked God out of our public school system, and I think God would say, "Hey, I'll be glad to protect your children, but you've gotta invite me back into your world first; I'm not gonna go where I'm not wanted, I'm a gentleman."

This quote broke my heart to hear. I. believe God has never left me behind during any tragedy I have been through, and he did not leave that school because a mad young man chose to take the lives of innocent children. We are here on earth to prove ourselves worthy of living with him again, we were all given agency to choose right from wrong when we came to this earth to live. If that agency were taken away every time a tragedy was about to happen, there would be no growth or learning on our part. There would be no progression. LIVE, LEARN, AND GROW

Yes, I believe in miracles, and they happen every day, and yes, I believe our Heavenly Father can prevent tragedies. More than likely, He has done this more times than we know. However, to comment that God is too much of a gentleman to prevent those children from being killed is ignorant.  God is not a proud man; he is meek and humble. Sadly, some Americans have decided to take God out of our school system, but those are just words removed from an allegiance we made as a country. No one can take God out of our hearts. We feel and know of his love for us, all his children, he will never leave us.  These should be taught in our homes, not in a school.

O-r-a-n-g-e

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2012

O-r-a-n-g-e

I never thought the word Orange would have an impact on me.  My
grandson, Recker, is autistic. Today is his third birthday. He is non-verbal-yet I enjoy every second I have with him. There Sometimes there are times he takes me by the hand, leads me into a room, and expects me to know what he wants. Sometimes I'm smart enough to figure out he wants a cookie or sucker (and of course, I give it to him)Shhh don't tell Kayla. Other times, I am clueless and feel helpless when I can't help him.

Kayla was able to enroll Recker in a preschool; he started a couple of weeks ago. The first day was rough on mom and Recker. Tears filled my eyes as she relived the moment. Tears, she dropped him off; the fear and terror on his face must have been difficult for her to leave him. Those couple of weeks have proven to be one of the most important decisions of her and Jeremy's life. Recker now knows how to point to what he needs. He brought an orange to Kayla, and she pointed to it and said the word "orange" then the most wonderful word I have ever heard out of a child's mouth came to the word "o r a n g e" we shouted for joy and cried all at the same time--he did it, he finally said his first word, and we got it on video.

Every day is a perfect day with Recker, but this day was even more special.

Learning how to rip open a gift

John Deere Trucks from Aunt Kaitlyn and Uncle Brian
all boy's dream

Dinner at Spinatos, Cannoli for the Birthday Boy

And what's a Cannoli without
Lightening McQueen?

Three years ago, when Recker was born. I never imagined what happiness this little guy could bring to my life. He makes me want to be a better wife, mother, and friend.  He is most definitely my motivation in life to take another step forward.

What is your love language, Viola

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2012

What is your Love Language? Viola.

Besides, one other time while I was going through my chemo treatments, I felt the spirit of Eric's mom as strongly as I did last night when I attended the Temple. My favorite woman of all time was sitting in the chair, smiling so big from ear to ear. She looked me in the eyes and nodded as if to say with those big blue eyes piercing my soul, "I love you; you will make the right decisions. I'm here for you" I looked back after slowly walking by, not wanting this moment to end, and she was gone. It was just another cute lady sitting there greeting people.

Dang it, I miss her. Without a doubt, when I pass through the veil to the other side (hopefully Heaven since I know that is where she is), Vi will be the first to embrace me, next to her eternal companion, my father-in-law Ray Williams--I love them so dearly and have often had to humble myself knowing I would never want to disappoint them.

I had another incredible spiritual experience last night as I attended the Temple, one which I will have to record in another journal that is not so public. I'm grateful for the knowledge that Families can live together forever, Eternity, together.

Another realization came this week when I had lunch with a friend. It was mentioned to me that we all "love differently" I have never thought about it the way it was so humbly explained. Each of us. We are taught to love as the Savior did unconditionally, right? There has only been one person in my life I have ever met who has been able to successfully do this, Viola Williams. I have never heard a sore word about another come out of her mouth. She was constantly serving others as the Savior did. In the end, she died of breast cancer. Leaving a legacy of complete understanding of our Saviors plan for her family to carry on. We all love differently. Think about the people around you, in your family, church, and workout groups; are they all the same? No, we all show our love differently; some are comfortable hugging and saying "I Love You" (that is me), some may care and love for you but not want to be touched or hugged, some show love by giving gifts, some by words of affirmation and appreciation, some want to hold on to their children and never let them experience the circle of life (this would be Eric)  At the end of the day when we all understand how we love it is so much easier to accept and truly love the ones around us, just as the Savior did.