Enduring ongoing adversity

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2015

Enduring ongoing adversity  

There are so many differences in all our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to care for families, and some struggle with loneliness. We all have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity. I’ve also realized the reality of those adversities cannot be compared. For example, I struggled as a teenager with severe issues for years. It was heartbreaking to live through, especially knowing that life would be much easier if I were obedient. One day I went to visit a friend who was devastated and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong, I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughter’s name, and then, through her tears, she explained, “She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced; she’s only 15; we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18” Her perspective, and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking.     

There have been periods, sometimes long times, when my life seemed to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately, the nature of our lives gives way to distress; for me, periods of good health have ended, and misfortunes have arrived. It is more difficult when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. Suffering from health issues or losing material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I must be transparent here and admit I have felt rage and questioned why? I realize the anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came as such a shock. To be blessed with good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, like an arrogant ignorance. Hadn’t I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind. I have considered myself a brave woman, yet many times have cried aloud, “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The opportunity to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the blessings of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” It becomes even more painful when I see others struggling, including those I love. When Recker was diagnosed with Autism, I wouldn’t say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking, “Why?” It was tough for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our second grandson diagnosed with Autism, I must be honest, I rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking, “Why, why would you send these spirits to the same parents?” This distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me the Lord knows all, and if I continued without faith, doubt could grow and spread. It could make me, or my children turn away from God, blaming him for the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily, or those feelings could lead to a loss of faith and question whether there was a God. Again, I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis....” why me?” with the comforter conveying to me repeatedly, I soon asked, “Why not me?” It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now, “Thank you, Lord, for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys” (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I’m not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became apparent that for me to trust Him, I must be transformed by making righteous choices daily, which is hard to do. I often wonder if I am prepared for such a great trust. Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith. I deal with facts, and the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him. I’m so grateful for this education as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, sadness from sin, and the joy of forgiveness. I’m convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend. It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer. Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray, work, and wait for help. He could easily take this away, but He chooses to teach by personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own subjective experiences. The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading have helped and encouraged me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately, it feels like it will not end; during these times, even physical strength is complex, and listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity is hard to comprehend. The comments made are even difficult to hear. (Sorry just being honest) I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony. I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualifies for eternal life can find peace during the struggle. This is so much easier to write than live through. I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I’ve had the attitude, “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith but have tested and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered during the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect miracles to happen and thank the Lord ahead of time for the gift that I know is just around the corner. I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.

Recker and Ezra are beautiful, loving children, but don’t mistake their love and affection for an easy road to take. From day to day, they struggle, not knowing “what will happen next?” Those boys are into everything. Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal, so imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk. Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want. I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as a caring parent for 24 hours, worrying 24 hours. The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love. However, I can’t imagine the heaviness on his parents' shoulders. The responsibility the Lord has given them is beyond what I can comprehend. I know I am on the road to being the best I can be, so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity. I don’t know why, but the Lord customizes trials to strengthen and purify us individually. Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial. From my experience, I know that He can and will give us strength to rise through every problem. 

Love One Another

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 28, 2014

Love One Another

I've been in Ohio for 5 weeks, and next Thursday, I will be going under the knife again. I realized how much I needed the Lord to bless and watch over me. I go to Him in silent prayer most days now, I don't have a lot of privacy, and I think it's been good for me to be here with Diana. She's been a significant source for me; as my nurse, she needed to come to give me infusions every 12 hours. We were under the impression I would have to get lab work done and see another doctor for clearance. We did all that last week, and I should have just come home to see Eric and the kids. For some reason, I was not thinking straight; Diana suggested we stay with her family, who lives one hour and one-half away. This would save us some money and get me out of the hospital environment. It indeed was a great distraction. Her sister and brother-in-law are empty nesters; it was a beautiful quiet home where I could rest, read, and have some quiet time. Although it was initially awkward, I soon found out Angela and John are down-to-earth people and a very Christian Catholic family. This relieved me, knowing I would be able to read my scriptures every morning, especially in preparation for my surgery on Thursday.

Diana and her sister Angela come from an Italian family; they love deeply and laugh loudly. I will miss that the most when we part from each other once I am home, but I hope we can stay connected through texting and calls. These people didn't know me, they didn't have to take me in for a week, and they had choices, but they chose to show Christ-like Attributes by opening their home to me. I'm sad I didn't get a picture of John before I left. He and Angela were going to see their son, daughter-in-law, and new twin grandchildren in Columbus; John did not get home before we left. They are wonderful people; I felt at home and did not have one panic attack.

My new friend Angela--Thank you, XOXO.

Today we drove back to Cleveland to be closer to the Cleveland Clinic, we are within walking distance, and it is a lot less money and a better hotel. Tomorrow, I plan to go to a Cleveland ward; there is one within one mile of here. Then we may drive to see Kirkland Temple. I can't risk catching the flu or getting a cold, so wearing a mask is mandatory when going to church or crowded areas. I have had a great week--mentally, trying to get prepared for surgery is always a quiet time of processing for me...I've decided that no matter what this surgery's outcome, I choose to be happy; I will not let this define who I am. I have a great family who loves me, and been blessed with amazing friends who will not be embarrassed to be with me--I've tried to keep it light and not get too carried away with the facial paralysis because the doctors are going to do the best they can, I have faith in them, and they are very confident I will have great results.

  I never thought I would feel this way, but I'm looking forward to getting this over with and going home to my family. I miss them more than I ever thought I could. My grandchildren are growing through Face time. Ezra looks so big and tall, and Recker, too; he came up to the phone and kissed me today...I cried...then Ezra wanted to kiss me too...I cried more. Kayla was so sweet to follow them around the house with the phone so I could see what they were doing. Ezra is getting so bright; his daddy has been teaching him all sorts of things. He knows where his toes are, his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. He also growls loudly when you ask him, "what does the Lion say?" He blows kisses and knows how to throw away his diaper all on his own. I sang Recker a song; it's one I've sung to him since he was a newborn; he was intrigued and stood motionless as I sang it.
 I have so much to thank the Lord for; my life will go on, and my circumstances may not change, but I am determined to learn something from this. I will do all the doctor asks me to do and hope and pray the surgery goes well, the doctor's hands will be still, and we will have a great outcome. Tonight, my thoughts and prayers as I lie down to sleep help me get a good night's rest, and I ask the spirit to be with me all week as I prepare for surgery. I have been trying to practice what I preach and put to practice some Christlike Attributes by doing something kind every day for someone else, even if it's hold a door open, or give a half smile to a person walking by (usually that scares people so I try not to use that one) yesterday I did something very simple, I bought lunch for the lady behind me at Chipotle. She was so happy, surprised, and elated. She decided to pay it forward too. The world would be better if we all could give a little more; it doesn't need to be a financial service.