Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya

Mexico

I am so grateful to Brian and Blake; they have been helping me figure out finances. I'm going to have Ronny put me on a budget. We are fixing 604 and 605 like you and I planned, except I will not pull up the tile like you wanted. It's not necessary; it's Mexico!! We are spending the money to update them and hopefully be able to rent for a higher amount and bring in a new client who will care for those condos like we do. Flor will have to do more work; if we need to pay her more, we will; I think it might be good.

Haleigh and Scott are in California. They will be gone all summer long. Before they left, they took me to IKEA, I know what you are thinking ... "She hates IKEA." Well, you are right about that, but Scott and Haleigh were so helpful. We bought all new kitchen essentials for 604 & 605, new bedspreads, pillows etc. Brian and I picked out two sectionals, one for each condo. I asked Kaitlyn and Haleigh to pick out the color. This time I'm decorating them exactly the same. 

Brian took the furniture down last week, and Blake took three new tables for the patio at the condos. I'm worried about spending too much money, but I am listening to the kids. They have good taste. Haleigh and Scott have rentals and know how to update. Kayla has offered to do some marketing for the condos; I know we must be careful, but I think Kayla understands. She will not give our names or the condo numbers, just a condo on Sandy Beach. I'm very pleased with all the kids; they are the best thing we ever did together. I see so much of you in each one of them. I wish you could be here to see our great children. You and I can't take all the credit. We know we could have been better parents. I only remember the good stuff. Each one has their own personality and perspectives, and I think they are good humans. I love them all.

See You Soon,

I love you, Monya

Family is Everything

 We just arrived home from two days in Mexico; having a retreat like our condo to go to any time we want and just chill and get to know each other again is so nice. We are all evolving in our lives, so as we get older, things and thoughts change. Eric and I are in harmony with what we want today!! We have plans for our future, but tomorrow might come later. Life and every breath we take are but a moment in time, and that breath can be taken at any time or anywhere you are. We choose to move forward, remain with healthy friends who want to be with us and see the good in all we do. 

It is a process, but you can retrain your brain. It is physically possible for our brain waves to bring in conscious thinking. Stop living in a Subconscious world where most people are stuck. I know how to do that, except for one thing that takes me time- my children. They will always be on my mind. How can I make things better? What did I do so wrong that they never want to see me or allow me around their children? I've done all I can do, and if my two daughters think I'm disgusting, which is what they have both said to me. I will not change their minds, but I can change mine. It's an arduous process, but I will succeed. That does not mean I won't think of them fondly as I see pictures of them or their children, but they have boundaries, and I will support what they need and want for their families.

In the meantime, we will enjoy what we have and let go of what we cannot control. We have four beautiful grandchildren who know us well and want to be around us. I love that both their parents can forgive and move on with us. My first granddaughter, Blake, and Chloe's daughter, Weslie, teach me something new every time I see her. She is kind and gentle, and no matter what, she will always be part of my life, as will her younger brother Zeek, who loves me and tells me every chance he gets. With this family, I can be myself and not feel like I am walking on eggshells with every word I say. Chloe has become my daughter; I have spent more time talking with her than any of my children. It was easy to open up to her. She is my vault when I need to talk. I love and adore her.

Scott and Haleigh have a boy and a girl, Ellis and Sena. They are so sweet and have made boundaries for themselves. We are not allowed to hug them; they don't like that kind of affection, which is okay with Papa and Bonbon. Eric's family taught me how to show affection by hugging everyone they knew. So, I am a hugger, but I've learned from them that they will say "no" when we ask for hugs. Now that Haleigh has explained to us. Eric and I are learning that not everyone has to hug to show affection. They always say, "No, thank you, Bonbon." Then, they are off for their next adventure. I Love that they know what they are comfortable with and what they are not comfortable with. But I still need help opening up with Haleigh and would like to know if Scott likes us. He is so quiet when we are around. Eric and I are so proud of him and grateful he is part of our family. Haleigh and Scott have a beautiful family. 

ZEEK.... You silly goose

                                        Blake & Chloe Williams Family

                                          Wesley....Our little Princess

Sena, age 4 Beautiful Girl

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow Family

Ellis ... Oh so Cute

 

Halloween 2014

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2014

Halloween 2014

Recker Loves Papa and Pizza

Brian and Kaitlyn--Old Couple--She's pregnant.
How'd that happen?

Brad and Betty Walmart Greeters
Haleigh & Scott

Ezra the Lion

Four Years and Counting

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3, 2013

Four years and Counting

It's been 4 years now, this week, since I sat in the quiet, dark doctor's office with Eric by my side and heard those terrible words, "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER"  WOW, time seems to creep up on me. I feel like sometimes it was yesterday we listened to those words, and then sometimes, when I think about what has transpired in our lives since that date, it seems so long ago.   I have to dedicate this blog to my family, who has stood by my side through this entire journey, and I realize this has been their journey too. Blake left for his mission for 2 years, came home, and got married. Kaitlyn and Brian married, lived in Utah, and moved back to Arizona. Kayla and Jeremy have had 2 boys born into their family, and Haleigh married Scott Bigelow. Look at all these blessings the Lord has allowed me to witness, I am so happy I have lived to see all of this, and I have faith I will live a long life, long enough to see all my grandchildren born, and I'm pretty sure we will have lots and lots of grandchildren---right? Kayla and Jeremy? Blake and Chloe? Kaitlyn and Brian? Haleigh and Scott?

 I don't think about cancer as much as I used to. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my body would or could go through what it has been through. I was prideful and always thought, "I am healthy, I eat right, I exercise,  I will never have health issues. After all, I went from 1st grade through high school with perfect attendance in school and seminary. The 1st time I ever threw up in my life was when I was giving birth to my 1st baby during the transitional part of childbirth. My sisters both have health issues, Eric will die long before I do, and I need to keep myself in good  condition so I can be around to take care of my kids when he does."

It makes me want to throw up--what the heck was I thinking? Yes, it's good to keep yourself healthy and exercise when you can, but I was seriously way off the map on this one. My family has terrible health issues, autoimmune diseases that I can't even spell, cancer up the kazoo--every kind you can think of, arthritis, thyroid issues, and so on. Eric's family is somewhat different. His mother died of breast cancer, but as far as we know, she is the only one on her side, and Eric's dad and siblings had heart problems, but all lived well into their 80s.

I'm aware of my body now more than I ever have been in my life. I feel when something is wrong--crossing my fingers on that one-- The only thing I'm unsure of is what part of my aches and pains are from getting older and what is from family genes. Running a marathon and crossing the finish line does not replay in my mind over and over anymore. When I see other people doing it, especially people I know and love,  it makes me smile instead of frown :}  For me, life is more beautiful than it ever has been. There is so much to look forward to, so much to still learn, places to go, and people to meet. Life is just beginning--many, many more rainbows to chase.....

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow

 

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow

I have always dreamed of having all my children's receptions in my backyard. Thursday night, which was made a reality. Our youngest daughter Haleigh was married to Scott Bigelow. We have now had all our children married within 5 years. It sounds crazy. Still, back in the olden days (ha-ha), when Eric and I were first married, I wanted to have all my children born before I was 30 so we could enjoy them, so they could enjoy being adults with their own children together.

 I can honestly and proudly say I have made oh so many mistakes along the way, raised my voice too many times, wished I had forced them to practice on that beautiful piano Eric bought for that reason, and been more patient with everyday messes that genuinely didn't matter, not worried as much about what others thought and focused more on more important things  I not always listened, but felt I was the adult and knew more than they did, turns out they are the ones who have now taught me to be a better person and grandmother.

Many people have asked me if I am sad about my last child leaving and getting married, and my solid answer is NO. However, today, as I write this post, I am teary. I think I am glad the planning stages for the weddings are over, but not having my children around daily is hard--I want to hear that front door open, and the little voices say, "Mom, where are you?"  I am so blessed. All of my children have not only chosen to marry spouses whose families live within a few miles, except Brian, whose parents live in Utah; however, they raised him in Arizona, and he has grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who live here. 

Me and My Baby Girl, Haleigh Bear

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow

 

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow

I have always dreamed of having all my children's receptions in my backyard and Thursday night, which was made a reality. Our youngest daughter Haleigh was married to Scott Bigelow. We have had all of our children married within 5 years; it sounds crazy. Still, back in the olden days (haha), when Eric and I were first married, I wanted to have all my children born before I was 30 so we could enjoy them, so they could enjoy being adults with their own children together.

I can honestly say I have made oh so many mistakes along the way. I raised my voice too many times. I wish I'd been stricter with them regarding playing the piano and practicing. I should have been more patient with everyday messes that genuinely didn't matter. I worried too much about what others thought. I didn't always listen, felt I was the adult, and knew more than they did. Turns out they are the ones who have taught me to be a better person, mother, and grandmother.

Many people have asked me if I am sad about my last child leaving and getting married, and my solid answer is NO. However, as I write this post today, I am teary; I am glad the planning stages for the weddings are over, but not having my children around daily is hard--I want to hear our front door open and the little voices; yell, "mom? where are you?"  I am so blessed; all of my children have not only chosen to marry spouses whose families live within a few miles, except for Brian, whose parents live in Utah; however, they raised him in Arizona, and he has grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who live here, but who are gentle kind and supportive of them and our crazy family.

Me and My Baby Girl, Haleigh Bear

Negotiations with the Lord

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012

Negotiations With the Lord

When I was fourteen years old, I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking him to please get me out of the toxic environment I was living in, and I would promise to follow him and serve.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer to let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home, I asked again to let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple. She's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive and first diagnosed with breast cancer, she asked her husband Ray to give her a blessing. She told him that all she wanted was to live long enough to see her three boys go on missions. She went into remission for approximately 14 years. When Kurt, her youngest boy, came home from his mission, her cancer returned, and within a few months, she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 years since my first negotiations started. I have a feeling negotiations are going to end. I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon. I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means it's on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year and start 2013. I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday, January 04, with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago, and he said things look good. I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them. I also have some tests on the calendar, and my family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me and has for years. It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and she chose not to soften her heart. Now, I appreciate the Holidays, and I love the spirit it brings into my heart. 3 years ago, my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body. I don't think I had given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family were going through then.

 I often talk to the caregivers where I volunteer. One common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, constantly feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be mad with or why they are angry. Recently I received an email from one of our patient's caregivers. She wanted to see if it was "normal" to feel her anger after losing her friend. She wanted to know what she could have done to better serve her friend. When you are struck with a cancer diagnosis, there is no NORMAL to life. I have learned from volunteering that people going through this journey often differ entirely from their caregivers. I'm so grateful I can volunteer. Many people have said to me, "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people, I always smile and say, "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering than I would have ever learned. I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could have ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question, "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been that we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises, and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us. Still, life happens, and all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't, but I do believe, at least for me, I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there. However, the experience has softened my heart and helped me be more compassionate, and if you know me well, you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13, I detest--

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It's a Wonderful Life

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2012

It's a wonderful life

Unbelievably I have never seen the movie "It's a wonderful life" my sister Sonya has always watched it every year and encouraged me to do the same, but until this year I never took her up on that challenge. We went to the Cinemark movie theater in Tempe as a family to watch it on the big screen. WOW, what a fantastic old movie. Even in black and white, I was mesmerized by the story and genuinely enjoyed it.

Sometimes, we all get down on ourselves and forget to recognize the good we do. Even trivial things can change a life. I have often thought, "What if, and should I have done this differently, or why did I do that?" I have not always believed that people come into our lives for a reason or that some of the trials or even joys we have in our lives are meant to be. They just happen. I no longer believe this to be true. Of course, we have the agency to choose good or bad choices, but they always come with a consequence. Agency is never FREE.  I have a feeling if any of us were to be in the same position as George (It's a wonderful Life) and allowed to see what the world would have been like if we were never born, we would all be surprised at the things we do daily that has changed someone's life. Not only to our families and ourselves but to the everyday person we pass on the street or see in the store.  A smile or a simple "hello, can I help you" would and could change a life.

On Christmas Eve, we had all of our children and their families over for dinner. The only instructions I gave them were to be prepared to share a story of Christmas or one of their most memorable Christmas. I opened by reading "The Christmas Train" by Thomas S. Monson. Then I shared a few of my favorite Christmas memories, one being remembered as a child.  My mother gave me a white Holy Bible with my name inscribed on the front. I thought I was never going to stop smiling. I still have that Bible. Another story I told was about when Eric and I were dating. His mom bought me a gift, but miss placed it. She searched and searched and felt so badly thinking she had thrown it out with the garbage by accident.  I never cared about that gift, but I did care about that fact that I knew she loved me, she always showed me love and genuine compassion, to me that alone was worth more than anything she could of bought from a store.  The last story I told was when Blake was on his mission, that very 1st Christmas, I was going through my chemo treatments, oh how I missed him and honestly was not feeling well, not knowing if I would ever see him again made my heart hurt, but hearing his voice on Christmas day I think was the best Christmas gift I have ever been given.

Haleigh, my youngest daughter just got engaged a few days before Christmas to Scott Bigalow.  He told a story about his father dying when he was only 8 years old, before that time his dad was always the one who provided the mountain bikes and fun gifts for the boys, but the year he died was Christmas he said he would never forget.  They had no money and I'm sure his mom was  worried about how she would pay for food and utilities, in other words Christmas gifts were probably not on the top of the list of things to do.  One night his family was home and they heard noises outside, they all ran to see what was going on, it was Brad Wardrop hanging Christmas lights on their home.  He was a neighbor and close friend of the family. As tears ran down Scott's face I wondered if Brad even knew what an impact he had made on this kid.

Blake told stories from his mission, tears filled his eyes when he talked about those two Christmas's away from his home, but one, in particular, that really left a lasting impression on him. He said it was a Christmas he will never forget, the best Christmas he has ever had and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the gifts he received , in particular,but more about the service he was able to give.

My son-in-law Bria rarely cries in 4 years, Kaitlyn said she has only cried once when his grandmother passed away.  I was impressed with his ability to see past all of the "fun" in Christmas. The 1st words out of his mouth were, "my heart hurts tonight for all of the mothers and fathers who will have a hard time going to sleep not knowing how they will provide a memorable Christmas for their children" I immediately put a blanket over my face as not to look at him while he cried. He could hardly speak, and I was weeping underneath my blanket. Quietly saying a prayer, one for all those families, and two telling Heavenly Father thank you for my family, we are truly blessed. I am blessed to have such a wonderful son in laws and a beautiful daughter-in-law who also lost her mother in December of 2009.

They all shared stories and thoughts, by the end of the night there were no dry eyes, we made a family goal for 2013, we said a family prayer, and ate cheesecake.

I truly do have a wonderful life.