Montana

 Dear Frenchie

I decided to go to Montana, even though you and I had planned that trip together. It was a hard decision to make. We are trying to update the condos, hoping to attract a different clientele and raise the money for rent. I felt like I needed to be there this week to get them ready. However, Brian told me not to cancel my Montana plans and to see Uncle Mike.

We had a birthday party for Zeek. He is four now and just so sweet. I know he loves me and still gets excited to see me and show me his latest toy. It was also a celebration for Teddy, whose birthday was a few days ago. Teddy is getting tall, and he, too, is so sweet. I don't get to see Kayla's children as much as Zeek and Weslie; Kayla is in the thick of raising teenagers and home-schooling. I miss them a lot.

After everyone left, I packed for Montana (carry-on only). I didn't get to bed until midnight and could not sleep, worried about the alarm going off. I had to be up and gone by 3:30. It's not the same without you. Packing and getting ready to do anything is still really hard for me. I brought your pillow to Montana so I could sleep better.

Seeing Aunt Ann waiting for me, I just melted into her arms, and we both had a nice cry. Uncle Mike was sitting by the baggage area checking out Facebook ... that man is like you. He loves to scroll through, see what everyone is doing, and then leave a comment.

I flew into Missoula again, and we made the two-hour drive to Anaconda. I missed you when the scenery was so beautiful. I could hear you telling Uncle Mike how much you were amazed at the beauty in Montana. It was gorgeous and cold; I'm glad I brought a jacket. I'm only here until Saturday, so I don't have as much time with them as I wanted, but I could not get off work. 

Uncle Mike was upset about you not being there; he started to cry, saying, "I was really looking forward to getting to know Eric better; he is a good man. My brother would be proud." He said it was unfair that you went before him and were too young. I agree.

Waking up to snow-capped mountains is so incredible. It's June and in the sixties, cold for an Arizona girl. But I'm going to enjoy every second with them. They love me, and I want to be around them because, for once, I feel loved by a 'Belshe,' and you know what that means to me. I don't think anyone else would understand that, but you. I finally am loved by my dad's brother and his wife. Most of the Belshe's have a way of shutting me out because I wasn't around them growing up. It's sad but true; they all gossip and talk about each other. I just can't be around that anymore. Here in Montana, with family, it feels so good; as you know, it is something I have craved my entire life. Aunt Ann said, " Uncle Mike and I love you so much, and I ache knowing what you are feeling. We will be your mom and dad. If you need anything or want to talk, we are here for you." I love them. They don't judge, they forgive easily, and we have much fun together.

I've got to get up and get ready for the day. I'm sure they wonder what I am doing in this bedroom. I just wanted to connect with you this morning. I know you are proud of me for coming to visit them without you. I see you everywhere, though. Thank you for showing up in Montana for me. I love you and miss you so much.

Love Monya

Have Courage and Be Kind

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015

Have Courage and Be Kind

What an unbelievable week I’ve enjoyed. Renee Olson (Chief Leadership Officer for Nerium International) asked me to speak at Nerium’s semi-annual national convention. It was held at the SAP Center in San Jose, with a crowd of thousands of people sold out. I was hesitant to follow through with this great honor. I am so transparent in what I do, but I often do not allow others to see the delicate, emotional roller coaster I’ve endured. The aches have been natural for me. The weight of this responsibility became so heavy knowing my face would be on substantial jumbo screens for all to see gave me tremendous anxiety. This past year, there have been times I’ve just wanted to hide. Hearing an innocent child asking their parent, “Mom, what’s wrong with that lady's face?” has been challenging to process. Usually, I reply before the mother or father has a chance, “I just have a boo boo” The parents apologize generally and walk off, saying they are sorry. That is my reality; that has been my life for a year now. I realize no one can utterly understand my feelings, so I usually just say, “I’m fine,” when my heart is weak, struggling to be brave and strong. Just when I’ve started to heal and feel like life is taking a turn, another trial comes. I was so amazed while I poured out all my feelings; I felt loved. I prayed for the right words to say. This peace came over me before I went out on stage. I really opened and let Him guide me. I could not read my notes, resisted putting on my glasses to read them, and had to condense 5 and a half years into 10 minutes--I knew there was no way I could convey all the emotions we’ve lived through in that amount of time. Before I went out, I decided I would meet Him where He needed me to be, and this would bring me into a full circle and heal my insecurities. This experience helped me to be one step closer to being whole again. I prayed that whatever I said would touch at least one person and help them understand that we all feel broken in some way or another, but not giving up is the secret power we all have inside of us. We all want to feel valued and important; I’ve learned this through living it personally.

For those who have followed my blog, I don’t talk much about Nerium because I didn’t want my blog to become a platform for advertising. This is a sacred place where I go to escape the world; I am alone and listen to uplifting music when I write. I’ve always wanted this to be an authentic reality of who I am. My children will be able to go to this place long after I am gone to laugh, cry, and remember who their mom was. With that being said, I do have to add that I know Heavenly Father undoubtedly led me to this incredible company. I was not looking for anything; still involved heavily in health issues. The confirmation I felt when I said yes to Nerium was so overwhelming at the time I didn’t know why. Now I do; within a few months of joining my friends, my facial paralysis happened. If it were not for the self-development, I’ve gained from living in the culture of the Nerium Family, I don’t think I could have made it through this past year. I highly recommend anyone to READ THE SLIGHT EDGE. It has Nothing to do with Nerium; it has to do with a philosophy of life. Even through my breast cancer journey, losing my hair, uterus, and breasts, I still felt okay. My perspective on life has changed; Nothing in life is worth anger, hate, or malice. Seeing the world through different eyes lightened my heart and soul.

The Villain had taken from me everything that the world defines as “feminine.” It was challenging to process, and I relied on the Lord to get me through it. However, when the facial paralysis came, and a doctor told me, “Your face will never be the same again,” those words penetrated my mind deeply. I cried; my husband called for me. I was depressed and sad; I took so much of it out on my family and never wanted to be seen in public again. It has been a slow process that I cannot say I have fully conquered. Still, I can honestly say without hesitation nowhere, except for my church congregation and family, have I felt true unconditional love like I have with the Nerium family. Jeff Olson has taught me true happiness begins from the inside and manifests itself to others when you are genuine with your thoughts and feelings yourself. Success is not a car or a home. So many people think, “Well, when I lose weight, or I get a new job, or I blah blah blah......I will be happy.” Nothing can be further from the truth; being authentic and happy with yourself under any circumstance is what success is; it’s what attracts people to you and helped me live through this year. Be patient with me; I’m still under construction.

Speaking in front of a sold-out stadium--um. overwhelming
I had to lean on the spirit and speak from the heart.

Nerium and CEO Jeff Olson know how to throw a
white party--so much fun

It was a badge of courage and bravery for me to expose myself to such a large group of people. Over the past few weeks, as I traced where I’ve been, it was overwhelming even for me to process my journey. I have wrestled with shame and discouragement, feeling like I have let people down. I’ve wondered at times if my own children are disappointed in me. This life-changing alteration in my life has really brought me to my knees. Starting anything is always challenging: a diet, an exercise program, a new job, and even a new life. Trusting in myself to fight through this last year has been empowering. It’s been worth the sorrow and pain I’ve felt and feel. As I give up my pride and begin to give in to the fact this is the life I intend to live, I’m starting to believe I can move mountains. I have felt the changes inside of me. I’m beginning to realize I’m me because of where I’ve been and the experiences I’ve enjoyed and endured.

When Sheldon died, I wanted to give in and give up; now, I see the Lord has been waiting for me to do my part. To fulfill a promise. I’m finally beginning to understand I don’t need all the answers right now. It’s never too late to start on a path that will move you forward. Step up to the starting line and run as fast as you can; tomorrow may not come. This is the time to love others, share a kind word, and be true to yourself. You will find the strength to pull yourself out of any situation. There are days when I have to remind myself of who I am and convince myself once again I have the power within me to be happy. True happiness cannot be given to you, it cannot be bought, and it certainly cannot be faked. When you are pleased, you live with no regrets, you are at peace with who you are, and most of all, your spirit illuminates and becomes contagiously beautiful.

Tonight, Eric and I went to see the latest version of the animated Disney movie Cinderella. As I watched, I was engulfed in the story; many paralyzed my life. It showed me the unparalleled beauty of courage and kindness in the face of humiliation, suffering, and shame. I watched, thinking, sure, Cinderella looks stunning. But it’s not her ball gown or glass slippers that first catch the prince’s eye. Her inner beauty captures his attention—her courage and her kindness. Kindness isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength. Submission isn’t pitiful; it’s beautiful and courageous. We all have the power within ourselves to make our lives happy; it is a CHOICE.

Hilary Weeks My New BFF

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015

Hilary Weeks, my new BFF

Lunch with Hilary-😘

A few months ago, Hilary Weeks emailed me to schedule a time to meet and go to lunch. With so much going on, it was easier to make that happen now.

Everyone knows I fly for free, so I got on a plane, flew to Utah stayed with one of my oldest and dearest friends Teri Padovich. We had so much fun catching up, laughing, actually laughing a lot. We talked a lot. We haven't seen each other for so long. I was a little worried about her reaction to my face. She didn't skip a beat; we hugged and went off. It was like old times; I needed this time away from Arizona.

While Teri was working, I met Hilary for lunch; good thing I knew what she looked like because we hadn't at that point exchanged phone numbers. I knew I was supposed to meet her in Harvest restaurant at Thanksgiving Point. I immediately recognized her and apologized for being late; those GPSs don't always give the correct directions.

I have to say, meeting Hilary was excellent for me; what a ray of light she gives out. Her spirit is inspirational; I could feel her sincerity. It's rare to find people you can truly connect with on a spiritual level. It felt like we'd been friends forever; she was beautiful inside and out. Just as I love the Live Happy campaign, Hilary has her own called Live Positive. You are truly missing out if you still need to get the app on your phone. Keep track of happy thoughts,  type journal entries, make goals, and earn inspirational quotes. You can even form groups of people to do it with.

I loved talking with Hilary; she has 4 daughters and met her husband while he was on his mission in Alaska --she thought Elder Weeks was pretty cute and pretty inspirational himself. A few years later, she was walking on the BYU campus when she saw him for the 1st time since Alaska. She said she yelled, "Elder Weeks" He turned, saw her, and ditched his friends; the rest is history. I love her music, I've heard her speak, and my heart has been drawn to her for so many reasons. Now I know why. She is so positive, loves her family, and has a burning desire to improve the world.

After lunch, we exchanged phone numbers, and to my surprise, she texted me and invited me to attend the Women's broadcast with her and 3 of her daughters. Teri dropped me off at Hilary's house. I met her daughter and her husband (Elder Weeks). What a great family.

I love these cute girls....❤️👀

Sitting in the woman's broadcast with Hilary and her girls was fun. When it came time to sing, my instinct was to pick up the hymn book and sing. Suddenly, I realized I was sitting next to Hilary Weeks. Her music has inspired me and helped me through some incredibly rough times...this was really surreal. I wanted to close my eyes and listen to her voice sing. Janice Kapp Perry was also in the congregation--I was surrounded by inspiration.

 Of course, I wished my daughters could have been with us too.  I am an avid note taker. I have stacks of journals and notepads full of the notes I have taken from special talks and thoughts I spontaneously have while visiting Mayo Clinic. Some of the most important life lessons I've learned are written down and journaled. I sometimes go back and review them, and often I am so surprised at the words I have written. How easy it is sometimes to forget the lessons we learn at poignant times of our life. I'm so grateful for having those detailed memories to look back on. This visit with Hilary and her family will always be one of those memories. The Lord has truly blessed me with good people in my life. Hilary and I will be forever friends now.  

This is truly a beautiful woman inside and out.

Notes from Conference 

My Recker Love

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

My little Recker Love

How can anyone look at this sweet spirit
and be cruel? 

I am so upset tonight that I cannot sleep, thinking about our special grandson. He is in pre-school, and he has parents who care for him. Kayla is protective and knowledgeable about Autism. Today, I'm sad that he could not defend himself while in the care of the school system.

I thought it would have been another child who hurt him, but it was an adult.

He was treated like an animal on a leash; what a horrible sight to see when his respite worker picked him up from school. Kayla is devastated; my tears and prayers are for this sweet little angel tonight.

I don't know what I can say specifically about the case, but my heart is bursting with pain. I wish people would listen with their hearts, and say to themselves, "kindness begins with me."

Recker has Autism-He is NOT a
burden; he is misunderstood.
Sometimes he just needs to run free.