Uncle Mike

Frenchie, Uncle Mike came and visited me. I picked him up at the airport, and he looks really good. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself. He thinks he is going to Hell ... literally. When I asked him why he would say that to me, he said there was a bishop who came to their house and told them they were going to Hell because Aunt Ann was not baptized and that they did not get married in the Temple. I was so sad to hear him tell me that story. This is one of the reasons so many people talk bad about the LDS religion. Why in the hell would anyone say that to someone? I'm pretty sure you know more than I do now, but I do not believe the Heavenly Father I know would be ok with anyone telling him that, especially a bishop.

I love Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann. I'm so glad I've made a connection with them. I had no idea Uncle Mike was ten years younger than my dad. He told me he was as bad as Colby. I told him I didn't believe that and knew he never went to jail. He has this terrible self-image.  Because he married Jane young, they had two girls, and Jane talked horribly about Mike; those girls don't speak to him. It is unfortunate. He has a lot of shame because of it but makes no excuses; he lives with the agony of having daughters in Arizona who do not want anything to do with him, but he is not like Colby except for the kind heart that they both have. Those boys were so misunderstood. I wish things could have been different with my dad. I wanted to have him in my life, but I needed to understand where he was as a teenager. I have abandonment issues because of Colby. Well, not only him; my mom walked away from me when I needed her most. 

Uncle Mike and I are driving to Mexico tomorrow; he has an appointment with a dentist. Remember him telling us about his teeth going bad after he started taking heart medication? He's getting old, Eric. I will miss him so much when he passes on to your world. He asked me if I would put his Temple clothes on him when he dies. I told him I would be honored to do that for him. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated; I'm not sure if the "Church" would approve, but you know me ... I don't care, and I am not going to ask if he can be burned with his temple clothing on. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I hoped and prayed he would not ask me if it was okay with the church; he didn't. 

He was sleeping on the sofa; he didn't want to go upstairs and share a bathroom with me. I hope he thinks the couch is as comfortable as I told him. 

I love you so much. I'm not sure how I got so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for understanding my crazy, messed-up life. You didn't know what you were getting into when we married, but I could not and would not want to do it with anyone else. I have to go to bed. I'm going to your happy place tomorrow.

Leaving Montana

 Dear Frenchie,

It was a quiet drive from Anaconda to Missoula. Aunt Ann and Uncle Mike were hoping I'd miss my flight so I could stay longer. Missoula Airport is small, and it is easy to get to the gate; I had no check-in luggage. So I knew I wouldn't miss the flight, but it made me feel good that they wanted me to stay. You know how much I have craved connecting with the Belshe family. They are my heritage, and I want to know more. It's unfair that you were not there with me; you are the only person who knows what I know and how I feel. 

It's no big secret to you, but I cried on the way home. Uncle Mike is getting old. I hope I see him next year. He said he is coming in the next couple of weeks to fix his teeth. Shonna is taking him to a dentist somewhere in Mexico. He said it is not Rocky Point, so I think maybe the town we drove through when the border was closed; I remember there were a lot of dentists in the town.

I'm home now and back to work. I got the same bid this time: 6:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m. working on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 

I miss talking to you; you always give me good advice. At night I get really lonely without you. My heart has a hole that can never be filled until I see you again.

See you soon

I love you-Monya

Uncle Mike & Auntie Ann

 Dear Frenchie

I love waking up in Montana. The weather is incredible, maybe a little cold for you. In the afternoon, it gets up to 78 degrees. Either way, I know you would love to be here. Today, we are going on a drive to Big Hole Lake.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann are so sweet and kind to me. Of course, Uncle Mike still cusses like a trucker, but it's him. I would be disappointed if he acted any different than who he is. Remember last year when we were here, we stayed in that cute VRBO? This year, I stayed at the house they rented until their home is finished from the fire. They only have five months without snow, so they hope the contractors finish before October.

They have many stories about life growing up as a Belshe. Uncle Mike was one of the younger of the nine children; my dad Colby was the oldest boy, and Nana was the oldest. Listening to their stories, I can see why some of my behavior patterns were genetically passed down. By the time Uncle Mike was a teenager, Grandpa Belshe had his stroke, so he and Pamela and Uncle Bill got away with a lot of crap. Uncle Mike thinks Grandma just got tired of raising kids. It's really sad to hear some of his stories.

 Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was out, and I didn't need a jacket. I brought some of the long sleeves you bought me in California with Dwight and Jori, which were perfect. Oh, and you will love this. Uncle Mike has worn the Puerto Penasco hat you bought; he says he wears it daily. It's his favorite. We drove to Butte, where Uncle Mike had a lung scan. We dropped him off and then went to visit Aunt Ann's brother, Hal. As I sat and watched Aunt Ann care for her brother compassionately, she offered to go to the store for him. I thought why in the world would any person not like her. Why? Because she is not LDS? Because she smokes? The Belshe family, including Grandma (who had a mean streak), just don't like her. She is one of the nicest people in this family I have met. When Coldby died, I went to his house to get something of his, anything he had handmade. When Lynn opened the door, she greeted me with this, "Oh, I know who you are, you're the Bitch of the family, your dad told me." I stood shocked, not knowing what to say. I had no idea Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann were standing just behind me ... not a good idea to call Uncle Mike's favorite niece a Bitch. He and Ann were so mad. Uncle Mike said, "Don't you talk to her like that, and my brother never said she was a Bitch; he loved her." then they pushed through the door, took her to another room, and told me to get whatever I wanted. While I was trying to find artwork or some of his leather work, I could hear Lynn getting her share of the mean streak Mike and Ann had for her. Colby was never married to her. In fact, she was still married to another man but just living with Colby. I grabbed a few things for my children to have. Even though they never really knew him as a grandfather, I still wanted some of his things. I'm glad I did because as I get older, I believe my dad loved me but didn't know how to show it; he didn't know how to be a dad, let alone a grandfather. He spent most of my childhood running from the law or in Prison. My heart hurts for him; he made it hard to love him. I was not allowed to know where he was in my youth and teen years. 

I'm not sure why the Belshe family is so judgmental of people. None of them live perfect lives. But I see now where Kris and Sonya got it from. Living and loving you was my best decision; I know my dad would have loved the man I married. I'd give anything for my dad to be alive and see how you and I have made a beautiful family together for forty-six years. We weren't perfect, but holy cow, we did not raise our children to Hate anyone. I have the greatest heritage, and this family is not what a family should be. If it wasn't for Uncle Mike visiting me as a child and texting me every day just to say, "I'm alive." He even came to your funeral ... I love him and know I don't have many years left with him; he's 77, and his heart is like yours. Since I don't know how it works where you are, I always wonder if you've been able to talk to Colby. If you do, please tell him all the talks you and I have had about him. I wished I'd had someone to call daddy, and it wasn't Gary. Tell him I love him and hug him for me. He really was a good man who made some bad decisions.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann took me on a spectacular ride today. Oh, Eric, you would have loved it. The forest was a beautiful green. They've cleaned up some of the dying trees from the beetles and huge piles of timber. It's so sad. I hate when the forest catches fire, or these beetles eat down these 100-year-old trees. By the time they grow back to this size again, it will be in another 100 years. I love being with Uncle Mike and Auntie Ann.

Love Monya

Montana

 Dear Frenchie

I decided to go to Montana, even though you and I had planned that trip together. It was a hard decision to make. We are trying to update the condos, hoping to attract a different clientele and raise the money for rent. I felt like I needed to be there this week to get them ready. However, Brian told me not to cancel my Montana plans and to see Uncle Mike.

We had a birthday party for Zeek. He is four now and just so sweet. I know he loves me and still gets excited to see me and show me his latest toy. It was also a celebration for Teddy, whose birthday was a few days ago. Teddy is getting tall, and he, too, is so sweet. I don't get to see Kayla's children as much as Zeek and Weslie; Kayla is in the thick of raising teenagers and home-schooling. I miss them a lot.

After everyone left, I packed for Montana (carry-on only). I didn't get to bed until midnight and could not sleep, worried about the alarm going off. I had to be up and gone by 3:30. It's not the same without you. Packing and getting ready to do anything is still really hard for me. I brought your pillow to Montana so I could sleep better.

Seeing Aunt Ann waiting for me, I just melted into her arms, and we both had a nice cry. Uncle Mike was sitting by the baggage area checking out Facebook ... that man is like you. He loves to scroll through, see what everyone is doing, and then leave a comment.

I flew into Missoula again, and we made the two-hour drive to Anaconda. I missed you when the scenery was so beautiful. I could hear you telling Uncle Mike how much you were amazed at the beauty in Montana. It was gorgeous and cold; I'm glad I brought a jacket. I'm only here until Saturday, so I don't have as much time with them as I wanted, but I could not get off work. 

Uncle Mike was upset about you not being there; he started to cry, saying, "I was really looking forward to getting to know Eric better; he is a good man. My brother would be proud." He said it was unfair that you went before him and were too young. I agree.

Waking up to snow-capped mountains is so incredible. It's June and in the sixties, cold for an Arizona girl. But I'm going to enjoy every second with them. They love me, and I want to be around them because, for once, I feel loved by a 'Belshe,' and you know what that means to me. I don't think anyone else would understand that, but you. I finally am loved by my dad's brother and his wife. Most of the Belshe's have a way of shutting me out because I wasn't around them growing up. It's sad but true; they all gossip and talk about each other. I just can't be around that anymore. Here in Montana, with family, it feels so good; as you know, it is something I have craved my entire life. Aunt Ann said, " Uncle Mike and I love you so much, and I ache knowing what you are feeling. We will be your mom and dad. If you need anything or want to talk, we are here for you." I love them. They don't judge, they forgive easily, and we have much fun together.

I've got to get up and get ready for the day. I'm sure they wonder what I am doing in this bedroom. I just wanted to connect with you this morning. I know you are proud of me for coming to visit them without you. I see you everywhere, though. Thank you for showing up in Montana for me. I love you and miss you so much.

Love Monya