Dr. Sal Lettieri (The BIG man)

 Dear Frenchie

Today, Dr. Lettieri called me to see how I was doing. He was so compassionate and kind. I told him how proud you were that he was my surgeon. I remember hearing you answer someone's question when they said, "Really, Eric, how is Monya doing through all this change in her life and appearance?" You talked more about Dr. Lettieri than you did about me. I told him what you've said over the years. "He's a genius." You acknowledged and understood why my friendship with him was more of a connection because he would be doing such difficult surgeries on me. You said, "Not many patients have Dr. Sal Lettieri's personal phone number." He laughed and said, "Well, he got that right; you are THE only patient with my personal cell phone." 

I told him how much you admired him and loved that I had a surgeon during this very difficult transition to help me with no bull crap by being honest with me and the number of surgeries I'd have to endure with you. He was very touched by your words. I told him he needs to give himself more credit for what he does, I could never do what he does. I asked him how a trauma Surgeon handles a patient dying in front of them. He said, "I don't know, I cannot answer that there is no sense to it but it's my job. So I pull it together before I talk to the families. Then I asked him, "If it was Sara or Sophia, would you react differently?" Of course, he said he would. "Family is not off limits for grieving and the pain of missing them. I'd say the mourning your family is feeling now is perfectly normal. I'd quit my job and never get married again."

He asked how I was doing, and I told him I miss you, especially at night. Something that he said to me really helped. He explained, "Monya, you were so lucky to have the last 14 months that you had with him; most people don't get that chance when given your diagnosis." He continued to tell me what a good man you were and that he went to the funeral thinking he knew you pretty well after all the talks you two have had, but he left the funeral wanting to be better, nicer, and more like you! That is a BIG compliment coming from him. He is going part-time in two years, then retiring at 70. Yeah, right, he's a workaholic and loves what he does; I told him he was born to do what he does, and he would drive Sara crazy if he retired. He laughed and said, "I know I will, and I love it." with his little chuckle. You and I both know it would be hard for him to stop thinking about cranial surgeries and trauma. Oh, and he will be at Mayo when he goes part-time. Finally, someone at the Mayo in Phoenix sees what Rochester knew when they hired him. He works a lot with Neuro surgeons now at Mayo instead of the plastics department, where he literally has only had me for a patient with real trauma needs. You know he won't do boobs, lifts, or anything plastic unless it's the face. Mayo in Phoenix does not have trauma, so on Wednesdays when he is supposed to work in plastics, he never has patients, but they call him into surgeries to give his opinion, and he is always right; so now the Neuro Surgeons want him to consult with them on patients.

He finally agreed that I would always be his favorite patient. He's had more surgeries with me than any other patient. I love that he still thinks about you and me and said we were a good example. He said it was an honor to know a man who loved his wife like you. Hopefully, Sara will see some changes in him. I told him we thought he was such a good husband to Sara and father to Sophia and Carmichael, but mostly that Sara would not have stayed with him as long as she has if she, too, didn't love him. He agreed and said he would probably pay for Sophia's wedding soon ... I would love to be a fly on the wall when that guy asks Dr. Lettieri for Sophia's hand in marriage. Then I told him how you treated Brian when he asked you to marry Kaitlyn. Now, Dr. Lettieri got the biggest laugh out of that. He refuses to meet the guy. So when he goes to Boston to visit her he will not allow this guy to be around ... sounds familiar to me I think every good dad feels that way. Sara is the nicest woman in the world to be married to a genius like him with no common sense she teaches him how to balance.

Thank you for being with me through forty surgeries and never complaining. Not many husbands could be that loyal, and I love you for it.

See you soon; I love you

Monya

Ruptured Implant

     Eric and I were in Mexico not too long ago, and I was lying by the pool. Some boys were tossing a ball back and forth to each other when the ball went next to my chair; I stood up and tripped on one of the other balls next to my chair. I instantly lost balance, which is not hard to do. I landed on a small concrete wall; the edge of the wall was precisely under my breast on the left side. It hurt; I thought I had broken a rib, and my breath was taken away. 

    When the pain didn't go away after a few weeks, I thought I may have ruptured one of the implants I received during reconstruction when I had breast cancer. First, I called Dr. Kreymerman; you know who he is if you've followed my blog; if not, Dr. Kreymerman or (PK) was the fantastic surgeon who did all my reconstruction. He has since moved from Arizona and is now living in North Carolina with his cute family. We talked briefly, and then he referred me to another doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona.

    I sat in the exam room with a robe on, waiting for the doctor. I instantly recognized him. I told him I thought I had broken an implant; he sat in his chair, looked at my breasts, and said, "No, they are fine." I told him I was worried because silicone can get into your body and really do damage to your major organs. I said, "I thought implants were supposed to be exchanged every ten years, and breast cancer patients don't pay." He stopped me and said there was nothing wrong with my breast and that the ten-year rule did not apply any longer. I stared at him, unsure what to say: no x-ray, no CT scan? The Mayo Clinic has always been comprehensive with cancer patients. I got dressed and left.

    I called Eric from the car, and he said, "What ...? That is weird; how does he know nothing is broken if they don't do a proper exam?" I told him it was frustrating and that my ribs were still in pain after 6 weeks, but perhaps I was wrong, and the implants were OK. I started checking online for another doctor and little did I know there is a team of doctors at Southwest Breast Aesthetics who only work with breast cancer patients' reconstruction. I called them, told them my worries, and made an appointment. I would be seeing Dr. Mino. I liked him immediately, and you know how I feel about surgeons. If I don't think they are confident ... I am done. Dr. Mino examined me properly and said if my ribs were still hurting after a month, there was a possibility of a problem. I set up my subsequent surgery with him. On November 3rd, I had surgery with him at Scottsdale Hospital. 

    My left breast implant ruptured. Dr. Mino said the surgery took longer than usual because the silicone was floating around in my breast cavity. He also advised us he had to go smaller because he could not stretch the thin skin around the implant. The skin was radiated and usually gets really thin, so that part was normal. I didn't care about being a smaller size; I've always wanted to have smaller breasts. 

    I'm grateful to Dr. Kreymerman for the excellent care he gave me at Mayo Clinic, but not so much in the new surgeon I met with.

Surgery with Doctor Lettieri

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2015

Surgery with Doctor Lettieri

 It's been challenging to blog about current events. I've signed a book deal. However, I am going to keep up my blog. Soon, it will have the logo from my book. I will also have a FB page for caregivers, survivors, or anyone wanting to know how to comfort a friend, family member, or loved one during and after cancer has been diagnosed.

I entered the Mayo Clinic Hospital early on December 2, 2015. The last surgery I had with Dr. Lettieri was successful. He took a nerve from my leg and masterfully entered behind my left ear through the left side of my face under my lip. We were told if the surgery was a success, we would feel it grow one inch per month. It has done just that, and now it is time to finish the job. This is a very tedious surgery; finding a viable nerve from the right side of my face will take a few hours.

When I woke up in recovery, it was a little scary for Eric--not sure if I was having a stroke or reaction to medicine--either way, I dry heaved for over 24 hours. Did you know dry heaving hurts?

After neurology was quickly called to the rescue, I had CT-PT-MRI and brain scans--no sign of stroke--however, since I was still in much pain and dry heaving, I was kept for longer than expected.
My surgeon, Dr. Lettieri, is in Italy...What the Heck? Do Doctors get vacations?

I needed to go to the Mayo Clinic since the surgery sight was bleeding. I was temporarily fixed but will see another Surgeon when Dr. Lettieri returns. (Monday) Nothing was wrong with the surgeon I could see, but my ultimate choice is Dr. Lettieri--FOREVER- I made the mistake of going to Cleveland Clinic on a suggestion --HUGE MISTAKE -- I will never do that again.

While working on the nerve in my face, Dr. Lettieri had no choice but to try and work around my paraded gland. I know this gland and the damage that can happen if I don't get it fixed, but I am not seeing anyone else but Dr. Lettieri. The gland, for those of you who don't know, is the gland where your saliva generates. This gland was compromised, and my face has backed up blood, either running down my throat or out of my incision. We cannot keep it controlled with our own packing.

I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Lettieri next week with more updates.

Hopes and dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2015

Hopes and Dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This time 6 years ago I waited anxiously for a negative diagnosis of cancer.  Not receiving the news I was expecting, looking back on this journey I've been on I realize I am being prepared. For what? That I can't answer, I'm not sure I want to know.  I would be lying if I said I have not had days when I want to crawl up in my bed, close my eyes, and not wake up.  I have felt unmeasurable pain, physical, mental, and spiritual.  I think we all want to believe we are "strong" If I had a dime for every time someone has told me how "strong" I am in the past 6 years, I'd be a rich woman. I'm grateful to those people.  So many times I have prayed for a miracle and felt abandoned. Now that I've cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool I trust in Him.  So many of us have a hard time recognizing the blessings that come in disguise of a trial.

The funny thing about that is, I am a rich woman. Not in a monetary way, but I am richer in the strength of who I am. I've been forced to live my life with loneliness, hardships, and pain. What if I had not experienced these things?  Where would I be now? Who would I be?  He has bigger and better plans for me. I am in the midst of fulfilling commitments and I know He will keep His promises to me. I will serve others, and be happy with whatever circumstances come my way.

I have had to learn to challenge my thinking and to lean on a positive environment of people.  I'm trying to learn how to balance my life.  Work, family, Nerium, Mayo Clinic, friends, personal development, and daily intentional goals have helped me to keep focused on what is most important.  I've had to be brave in circumstances where others don't understand or actually don't have the capacity to understand what this past year has done for me. Just when I thought I could never look myself in the mirror again, I became brave I let it define and refine me.  I learned that my face is not who I am.  I can't say I have fully embraced the idea of a partially paralyzed face.

A year ago I read a book that changed my life and added value to who I am, I will forever be grateful for having the knowledge before I read it, that I am a beloved woman of God. If not for having that testimony I probably would not have been able to make effective choices,. I've learned your thoughts either serve your growth or serve your decline. It's been proven we make an average of 90,000 thoughts every day. I've always been a journal writer, and a reader and I love good uplifting Christian music so when I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, I was like a sponge. I can attest to the power of words but as a child words were usually to my detriment. The Slight Edge convinced and reconfirmed to me I have been led and whispered to by the spirit all these years, I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.

Humility is a word I probably would have never used to describe myself 6 years ago. I'm progressing by studying everything I can get my hands on. While studying I often think of all the people who have touched my life. Who I think are a true example of humility. Not one of these people knows they are humble, isn't that interesting? It is who they are, an attribute they have mastered without knowing they have. Some of these people have had devastating events happen in their lives and learned to control their thoughts and actions to mirror match a Christlike attitude. Others seem to not have had any apparent significant trials in their lives. They surround themselves or have been surrounded by proactive people who have built them up, and showed them compassion and unconditional love. The attribute of Humility is such a blessing, and not easy to accomplish.

During my reading of the Slight Edge and studying scriptures, I am finally able to say I believe in the power of the brain and how our thoughts, positive or negative can affect everything. I made the choice to look at myself in the mirror every day and say "You will smile someday" It's been over a year, and I've had 3 doctors tell me I will never smile again, I will never have facial movement on the right side of my face. I'm glad to report not all doctors are in charge of the outcome of a positive mental attitude. Dr. Lettieri told me I would smile again. He has encouraged me to continue to work that muscle.  Every morning for a year I tell myself over and over again "I will smile again" and then I tell my brain to tell my mouth to move. Dr. Lettieri has never given up on me, he has never said "You Can't or you Won't" It sometimes requires a surgical procedure but I am slowly but surely starting to tell my brain to simultaneously smile when I tell it to. It's working, I am reaping the rewards of my daily affirmations. It's a slight smile, but what's more important is realizing, just like reading from a good book every day, kneeling to pray every day, having faith all things I've done all my life are things I have mastered by doing them receptively. Those things are a part of who I am, If I stopped doing those things it would be like not brushing my teeth every day, eventually they would rot. It really has been such a slight change, but adding it to my daily routine has strengthened not only my brain and facial muscle but also led me to believe an arrow could be shot at me and I could repel it.

I am endeared to Dr. Lettieri, and to Heather Lucas. She has seen me through so much.  I miss Dr. Kreymerman and wish he was here to see my progress. Dr. Lettieri has now been renamed as my "smile doctor."

He said I would, I said I could and I am making progress. I am beginning to dream again, to have hope for my future. Prayer is the greatest miracle in my life when burdens have weighed me down, prayer from so many people has helped me to believe in myself again.  Putting my faith in Him I believe I have even greater miracles to come. He could take away all of this but His plan is perfect in every way. These trials are refining me into the woman I've always dreamed of being.

Post-Op with Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2015

Post-Op with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This past week has been challenging, not because of the pain from the surgery. Staying home and not being able to drive has been difficult. Today, I had my post-op appointment with Dr. Lettieri. Sonya was so sweet to take me to Mayo. I don't like anyone to go with me because it is not a fun way to spend time. This time, I was forced to ask for help; Eric could not go because my appointment time was changed at the last minute. I wondered what she would think of Dr. Lettieri and hoped she would love him as much as I do. I warned her as soon as I introduced her as my sister Sonya, he would have an intelligent comeback about Monya-Sonya. I was right, and he asked why. "I said it was the '60s."  He laughed and asked if we had another sister named Tonya, and of course, I said, "Oh no, that would be too easy. Her name is Kris.
Today, he had a young resident with him, Dr. Deep, charming and incredibly young. Immediately, Dr. Lettieri announced he was not happy with the eye surgery. We will wait until all the swelling goes down, and then he will decide how to proceed with more surgery. My eyes started to open yesterday, dripping more than ever. He said it would get worse and wished he had been a little more aggressive with the bottom lid; it's drooping more than Dr. L wanted it to be.
Dr. Lettieri was pleased about my nerve cross graft he did in February; it is even better than he had expected. I plan to wait for eye surgery and have him do that simultaneously with the nerve surgery. I didn't mention that to him today; I will see him again soon.
Heather took out the rest of the stitches in my eye while Dr. Deep and Dr. Lettieri talked doctor talk-way over my head.
Today was good news about the nerve but surprising news about my eye. I could tell he was disappointed. I told him, "It's OK," and he said, "Not for me."  I assumed he was being hard on himself because he's a perfectionist. He said, "No, that has nothing to do with it. I just want you to have it working at the best it can, and I know it won't, so I want to fix it." He continued telling me I would have more drainage than I had before if I didn't take care of it.
Many people have questioned my choices; guess what? That's OK. I realize you are not living my life. You are not the one who has to kneel and ask what to do. I feel entirely comfortable with the decisions I have made. Many have given me natural path choices and questioned my choice to go medicinal; it's OK, too. Everyone has a different thought process; these choices were made by relying on the Lord to answer me and lead me to the right places. I only doubted a decision when I went to Cleveland Clinic. I felt rushed to make an answer, and Dr. Lettieri was out of the country when this all happened a year ago. We made a fast reactive choice, based on the fact we were told with a nerve we only had a small gateway--because I didn't know a "small" gateway didn't mean I needed it taken care of within a week or two. I could have waited for Dr. Lettieri. I don't look at things that way; my mind doesn't process them that way. If I hadn't gone to Cleveland Clinic, I would not appreciate and love Dr. Lettieri like I do; I wouldn't appreciate Mayo Clinic like I do. So, to those skeptics who like to give me their opinions, I will not apologize for following my heart, listening to the spirit, and doing what we thought was best at the time.

Surgery With Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2015

Surgery with Dr. Sal Lettieri

Eric and I waiting to be called back--we are now frequent
flyers here at Mayo--I think I should have a punch card with some
a great reward after X number of surgeries. When the registration
the nurse knows you by name, and nurses remember you by name
It's a sign you've overstayed your welcome.

June 24, 4:45 am, on our way to Mayo Clinic. I talked Eric's ear off trying to keep from taking any anxiety medication--hey, who knew....it worked? While entering the Clinic, I refused to look to the left; I intentionally jabbered to Eric about positive experiences with Dr.Lettieri I wanted----NO, I needed to keep my head in a good place for at least a few more minutes while we registered.
Just over a year ago was a dreaded day. I'd been discharged from this same hospital with a disfigured face. Hearing a doctor tell me, "You need to get used to the new Monya; your face will never be the same" If I were to look to the left, I would have a vivid remembrance of being wheeled out in a wheelchair and while waiting for Eric to bring the car around I watched a woman fall to the ground have a massive heart attack. I listened as "code blue" echoed through the corridor. I watched as healthcare professionals did all they could to revive her life. They were unsuccessful, and I felt nothing but jealousy. I wouldn't necessarily say this was the lowest point of my life, but it ranked in the top 5.
I've seen and felt tragedy, separation anxiety, depression, heartache, enormous unexplainable pain, loss of hearing, sight, smell, breasts, and all my hair. I've had a temporary loss of feeling in my hands and feet. I still look back at all of this and know the positive outweighs the negative. I'd do it all again, feel every ache and pain to know what I know now. What I know to be true is there is life after this earth; it is beautiful and peaceful; there is no pain, hurt, or jealousy. It is like no other place you have been here on earth. I want to go there again; I will accept and take on all that happens to me here on earth to have that feeling for eternity.
After being registered, Eric and I headed up to the 2nd floor for surgery. When I got into the elevator
I couldn't help but look at that spot; it was empty, too early in the morning for visitors. The rush of reality came flashing back to that day a year ago. Eric asked if I was OK, and I responded, "Yeah, sure, I'm good." After checking in with surgery, they took me right back. Dr. Lettieri is on time. After vitals, question after question about allergies, and when was the last time I ate or drank anything, I started to dose off. My thought was, "Read my chart. Can't you see how many times I've answered these questions? This is not my 1st rodeo" I saw Dr. Magtibay walks by and into the patient's room across the hall; I suddenly sat up and wanted to talk to him. The nurse continued with her questions, but I kept asking her to ask Dr. Magtibay to come to see me when he was done...she was looking at me like really? I told her I would answer all her questions; you could start my IV quickly if she promised to get Dr. Magtibay. This time the IV only took a one-time poke; that's new. It usually takes several digs to obtain a different, more efficient RN to poke me.
Soon Eric returned, and just after that came Dr. Magtibay; I just love him. He hugged me and wanted to know about my surgery. I asked about his children and wife, then Dr. Lettieri came in. I didn't have to introduce them. They knew each other. Dr. Magtibay excused himself, turned, smiled, and wished me blessings on a great outcome.

ready to go, Dr. Lettieri took this picture so I could see
the difference in my smile

Dr. Lettieri smiled at me, and when I smiled back.....he said, "Do that again." Not knowing what the heck he was doing, I said, "Why?" he said, "Quit being difficult, just do that again, that thing you just did with your face" I shook my head and said with a big smile "This?" he smiled big, he said, "Where's Heather?" "I haven't seen her yet" Dr. Lettieri went out to find her, but she was walking in at the same time. "Do that again for Heather" I smiled as best I could. They both, in unison, said, "It's working" Dr. Lettieri asked me to do that same thing repeatedly. His surgery in February with the cross nerve was starting to show. By their responses, I could tell this was good news; he was happy. Heather has been with me since my 1st diagnosis with breast cancer, and we have become great friends. I can honestly say she has been faithful to the end. She watched as I suffered through chemo, radiation, expansions numerous surgeries she has assisted me with. She was there last year when I was rushed to the hospital in horrible pain, curled up in a fetal position, losing all control of my bodily functions. She stayed with my sisters and helped them to understand what was happening to me. I love her like a sister; I really, really love her. She was happy for me, genuinely happy for this bit of HOPE I was finally feeling.

Dr. Lettieri, Me, and Heather
I love them both.

After Dr. Lettieri gave his pre-op assessments on me, he walked out, and I yelled, "I love you" he answered, "I love you too" I was rolled into the OR and off to my Happy Place in Paris. I seriously don't remember a lot about recovery. I only remember saying I needed to go to the bathroom. In the past, I have not been able to have outpatient surgery because either the surgery required me to be observed for more than a few days or my bladder didn't work. After all, I was under anesthetic for so long. The recovery nurse helped me into the bathroom; when she went to shut the door, I said, "No, don't shut the door" "Honey, don't you want some privacy?" "Heck no, I want you to hear the stream of pee hit the toilet, and all those people in recovery are on drugs they won't remember,"  "She laughed. I immediately pee'd....it was long and loud, and I was proud--she said, "You didn't take any time at all" She helped me back to bed, and I slept for three days. Some funny things happened; that night, Eric woke up, and I wasn't in bed, so he went looking for me, 1st the bathroom, then he went downstairs, no Monya. He said he walked upstairs again to check the bedrooms, but I was asleep in the hall closet. He got a picture of it, but I'm not posting it. The following day I went to the bathroom; Eric said, "A man is coming to fix our cable in the bedroom" I told him OK, but I needed to lay in the bed if that was OK with him. The doorbell rang, and Eric brought the man into our room. I could hear him and Eric talking. I was throwing up on the ground with my head in the toilet. Eric came in and said, "Are you OK? The guy will be done soon"  I don't remember any answer; I just remember continuing to throw up. I fell asleep sitting on the floor in front of the toilet with my head on the seat. He got a laugh out of that one, and no, I'm not posting the pictures. I'm glad to be home but I never want to fall asleep on a toilet seat again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Dr. Sal Lettieri Eye Surgery

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2015

Dr. Sal Lettieri's Eye Surgery

Tomorrow morning, I will enter Mayo Clinic Hospital for my 26th surgery. I'm having a lot of anxiety about this upcoming operation. I forced it so far into the back of my head, knowing we were going on a family vacation; suddenly, it hit me on the plane ride home. I'm not sure if it's because I realize what recovery will be like or if I am just so done with all this silly nonsense--it's like Groundhog Day, repeatedly.

I cannot wear my cochlear device. It is an excruciatingly painful ringing in my head and gives me terrible migraines and dizziness. However, I've lost most of my hearing in the left ear (the good one). I can't hear my alarm go off in the morning (usually, I can listen to that thing rings throughout my home's walls). I can't hear music, people talking, everyday things I have taken for granted. Although it is annoying, I will have to wait until after this surgery tomorrow with Dr. Lettieri. Hopefully, he will be taking the gold weight out of my eyelid placed in at the Cleveland Clinic (wrong size) and being upgraded to Platinum--I like to consider it an upgrade--GOLD to PLATINUM--, and I think I will save the Gold Weight--let's just see what Dr. Lettieri thinks about that......I paid for it, so why not take it home? That's the easy part; the more in-depth portion of the eye surgery is to fix the chronic dry eye--I didn't want to know the details about how that is done; Dr. Lettieri likes me to be informed of procedures--I frankly don't care or understand all that doctor jargon, so I told him "I trust you, just do it" I love and do trust him, I am in good hands tomorrow. Heather will be scrubbing in, too.... bonus for me; I love that girl.

Time to get to bed now. I have 5 hours before it's time to check in.

Seeds of Hope

 

SATURDAY, MAY 30, 2015

Seeds of Hope

Those who read my blog know I talk a lot about having Hope in my life. When I have a  seed of Hope, I know it gives me good things to look forward to in my life. Hope always gives birth to the overwhelming trials of life. It always believe in the best, even in the face of my worst circumstances. For believers in Christ, Hope is much more than a wish, yearning for a positive outlook; it is based on the promises of God. I'm grateful for the Hope Doctor Lettieri has given me for a positive outlook on my nerve surgery.

I can have Hope in life no matter what surrounds me because I believe in a Heavenly Father who cares, knows me by name (Isaiah 45:3), understands the desires of my heart (1 Chronicles 28:9), and knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb (Jeremiah 1:5).

Recently, I watched an interview with the miracle Flight #1549 passengers. Instead of ending in a disastrous crash, it gracefully landed in the Hudson River in New York City. Knowing this was a US Airways flight, I had some exposure to the story and was very proud of the captain and how he landed. The outcome was nothing short of a miracle. In fact, it was being referred to as "the miracle on the Hudson" because all 152 passengers and all the crew survived.

I thought about the passengers and what must have been racing through their minds in those final minutes before the impact. During the cries and prayers, I'm confident in saying there was one thing they all desperately held on to ......Hope.

Some passengers hoped to kiss their spouse again, others to hug their son or daughter, and some to make things right with a friend or family member. As the plane was about to hit the water, they knew their lives were at stake. Many were praying, and all were hoping for a miracle. Then the impact came, and a fantastic scene unfolded with passengers streaming onto the aircraft's wings. Eric and I watched the news replaying the scene repeatedly and watched the fantastic rescue. 

While I watched this documentary, I couldn't help but think of the many people who feel their life is like that plane. Sometimes I feel like I'm going down, leaving me only to hope that things might be different someday. When I have those feelings, it's difficult to shake them off; sometimes, it takes days or weeks. Then I remember the promises, the covenants made, and I have Hope again.

I know people who are facing setbacks with their jobs or relationships. I know people struggling financially or who are feeling the pressures of life. It's sometimes overwhelming.   Knowing Heavenly Father is for me, not against me, gives Hope for a brighter future. His love has no boundaries. 

I must constantly ask myself: Am I solid like a rock, or am I allowing myself to sink in the sand?

I recently let the enemy, Satan, own my thoughts; I've even allowed others to dictate my divine destiny by getting my head. I need to always keep Hope alive and never ever give up. I know God always, no matter what, has a solution for me. I know this because he knows me; my destiny was chosen before I came to earth. He had rescued me when I was in depths of despair.

So far, He has not let me down; when I trust Him, I am never disappointed.

His Grace-Dr. Lettieri

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

His Grace / Dr. Lettieri

This will be a really raw post. REAL life is happening over here in my head. I keep thinking about the times I begged the Lord to take all my heartaches away, let me feel the sunshine all the time. I felt I'd done my share of trying and hardship--I should have gotten an A+ on that report card.

Once I'd forgiven those in my life who truly belittled and hurt me and then took the time to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I felt I had paid the price and was done. I heard this quote the other day

“When you face adversity, you need to remind yourself that whatever is trying to defeat you could very well be what God will use to promote you.”

The quote struck me so deeply with the spirit that I had to rewind several times to ensure I heard it correctly. The truth is, I am a strong person, sometimes brave, but very weak in so many ways. 

The death of Sheldon really gave me so much perspective. Although he and I had talked about death and the possibilities of leaving so much behind, we also recognized the weakness of this world. One time we talked about whether or not doctors are as brilliant as we all think they are. Never a day goes by that I don't think about Sheldon. What is he doing? The peace he is feeling, no more pain, doctors, or shadows to hide under. I want to find that place. I find peace so many times in knowing all these sleepless nights and bittersweet feelings I have will all be taken away. Of course, I don't want my children or grandchildren to feel the pain of having me gone, but knowing our lives are eternal gives me pleasure. 

I know this life is such a twinkle in His eye. The life after this life is eternal, I will have plenty of memories to make with my grandchildren, and I will not miss a thing. Keeping my eyes and thoughts on eternity gives me sight when I think I can't see past today.

With the Lord, I have no hiding places to rest. He truly knows my heartache. When no one else seems to 'get it,' He hears me and knows how I feel--that pain is hard for me. I know it must penetrate His heart, knowing He cannot take it away until it is my 'time' to go. The problem is, there are times I want it to be my 'time' There are times I get such anxiety and feel a need to be in that happy place I used to fill my days with. 

I was between appointments at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa Hospital the other day. I needed new pillowcases; mine are blood-stained and bleached beyond repair. I went into a TJMaxx, I had my head wrapped, and an older woman approached me and asked if I had gotten lip injections. I was not feeling well but was still so taken back by her question I just stared at her for a few seconds before I replied, "Ummm...no" I wanted to be classy and walk off without saying what I wanted to, but she wouldn't let it go, she had Margie with her (I'm assuming it was a friend) as I started to walk off she said, "wait, you must have had a facelift?" I laughed as much as I could without it hurting, "Again, NO" She was relentlessly following me around the store. Remember, this was only a 2 day post 2nd surgery. I let loose on a stranger....."Listen, if I had just had lip injections or facelift, I would tell you to stay away from this plastic surgeon, seriously ladies look at my face, I can't move my lips to talk, and I have lumps the size of marbles all over my cheeks, so with all due respect I'm going through a series of UNWANTED surgeries, I'm vulnerable and need you to back off" she looked at Margie and said "Well, she obviously doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her facelift" ....ugh.

I paid for my pillowcases and sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, saying out loud, "Why? Why do I get the coo coo's?"  I can honestly say at this point in my life, I am not opposed to women or men getting elective surgery. I had a breast lift years ago after having babies. However, at this point in my life, I am DONE with surgeries that are not necessary. This last surgery #25, has weakened me. My immune system is the lowest it's been. I have leakage from the Perotid gland in my face (a salivary gland situated at the base of each ear.) If not attended to can cause significant infection and all kinds of problems. Doctor Lettieri injected my left cheek with 200 mg of medical-grade Botox to try and scar up the surrounding area and get that gland to stop leaking. My take on BOTOX? I'm not sure if this is the same type of Botox women and men get for cosmetic reasons, but there in no way in HELL I would ever do that for cosmetics--it seriously bruised and hurt very badly. I think he said there were about 30-40 injections. My face looked like a roadmap from Phoenix to New York, with the permanent purple markings and the shots themselves. The bruising is just now turning that beautiful shade of yellow-green. I can't seem to get my energy back. I'm tired all the time. Some of my medicines were changed I may need to reevaluate that decision made by my doctor.

I often hear people say, "You are so strong," "I couldn't do what you do," and "You're such an inspiration." What is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show others are indeed the answer to the quote above, which struck me  deeply. He is using me and my adversities to promote we can survive hard times. We are in the grace of his hands.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

What is good enough?

I don't ever want to offend or hurt anyone, but really at the end of the day I am who I am.

It’s time to care less. Yep, that’s right. So many times I take the world on my own shoulders, and instead of making the world a better place, all I end up doing is creating more stress for myself.

I've kind of always danced to my own beat. Been dumb. Done whatever I have to, but I've had to learn not to take on what others think. It’s my life, my decisions, and my choices. Some people love to judge, and why should I care if they do? I'm the only one who can define myself, so I let them be amused if it makes them happy. When I care too much about what others say, I'm wasting time on them instead of putting that effort into myself.

We all make mistakes and mess up in life. That’s just how life goes. It's taken me years to stop being hard on myself. Accept that everyone gets it wrong sometimes; it’s part of the human condition. You really are allowed to cut yourself some slack. Learn to forgive yourself more often.

FAILURE The big “F” word that everyone fears. It doesn’t have to be a scary concept. However,  ultimately, it depends on your opinion and attitude to failure. If you see failure as not being perfect, you will be permanently miserable. A more realistic idea of failure is giving up. If you haven’t given up, you haven’t failed. I  see failure as a learning curve, a trial and error process. See failure as your friend – it’s no big deal unless you allow it to be.

I have often worried about what I don't have rather than what blessings and gifts I've been given. The human default position tends to err on the side of lack rather than abundance, which is not conducive to feeling carefree. I have often focused on what I don’t have and end up feeling thoroughly deprived. What’s the point of that? I often tell myself to focus on what I have and leave the negatives of what I don’t have alone. Why should I  want to torture myself with all the things I don’t have? That type of thinking will not serve me in any productive way at all. I made a list of all the things in my life that I appreciate. Eric taught me many years ago that there will always be others with more and less. What you have is enough. Over the years, I've come to realize how actual those words are. I don't think ambition and money have anything to do with this,. I've met people who seem to think money is evil, but that is not actual. It's what you do with that money that can become evil.    

I have driven myself crazy, worrying about what might happen in the future. No one can predict the future, and there is no point in torturing myself unnecessarily about things that may never come to pass. I have to remind myself that this type of worry wastes energy and distracts from what is really important. It's hard, but I face worry head-on – if I can do something in the present moment,  I go for it. If not, I'll distract myself and put those worries on a shelf for another day.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY, “I’LL BE HAPPY WHEN…?”  I THINK WHEN WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL BE HAPPY ONCE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, WE EFFECTIVELY PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL THE EVENT HAPPENS. WISHING OUR CURRENT LIFE WERE DIFFERENT IS A PRECIOUS WASTE OF HAPPY MOMENTS IN LIFE. LIFE IS SHORT LIVE  IN THE MOMENT MORE AND CARE LESS ABOUT BEING HAPPY IN THE FUTURE. DECIDE TO BE HAPPY NOW. HAPPINESS IS NOT A DESTINATION; IT'S A MANNER OF TRAVELING.

Those who either read my blog or know me personally, know that I say I will live and die with no regrets. Regret is a part of life. The past cannot be undone, so it pays to look at what you have done in life philosophically. Did you learn something from it? If you knew never to do it again or to try a different approach, you’ve had a positive result. NOT A REGRET Accept what has gone before, make allowances for human error and move on. I refuse to live my life with regret; if we are honest with ourselves, we know when it's time to apologize or to forgive.

A part of me is so afraid of rejection that I stay in my comfort zone and never risk true intimacy. This past year I've been trying to wear my heart on my sleeve and risk being vulnerable. The more I hide out of fear, the greater the fear will grow. I'm trying hard to show myself I can express my feelings and live with the consequences. I can conquer the fear of rejection in this way and feel more carefree. Even if the outcome is not as expected, I will soon realize that it wasn’t as bad as anticipated and that I can deal with it. My daily affirmations and goals have helped me be a little more thick skinned, be brave and see life as an adventure.

I am not one who has bought into society's expectations of be thin, be beautiful. Show off your wealth and status and then you’ll be adored. What nonsense. When you like and accept yourself as you are, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. I don’t buy into the constant media images of perfection. Most of the images are airbrushed and lead us to believe that we should all look as perfect. I try not to take it to heart. We all like to see perfect images, but should not lose sight of the fact that most of it is digitally enhanced and not natural. Love yourself, imperfections and all. Self acceptance is true freedom. It's been almost a year since my partial facial paralysis forced me to come to the fact that I am never going to be the picture perfect woman, but has also taught me to soften my heart and listen with intentionality when others are struggling with these same issues, especially the youth of today. Don't mistake my thoughts with me thinking it's ok to be unhealthy--I just believe we each know when we are doing our best to look and be the best we can be. With that said, we also know when we could do a little more, not for society's view of perfection but for our own sense of approval. You are the only one who can make that decision.

Being good enough, is it enough? It’s easy to feel that we don’t measure up somehow. We live in a competitive world. It’s okay and even healthy to want to improve and grow as a person. It becomes unhealthy, though, when we internalize negative ideas about how we aren’t good enough, or we compare ourselves to the successful marriage next door, or the sports car parked in your brothers driveway. Always challenge this type of thinking. What is “good enough”? Where is the international rule book that clarifies what “good enough” is? As long as you feel happy with who you are, where you are and how far you have come, that is all that matters.

I don't know about you but I have  worried unnecessarily and created inner misery for myself over the years. Worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I can honestly say these have usually ended up being my biggest blessings, and growing experiences. Time is not endless, for me I've learned and understand from experiences this life will end, we all will die eventually. I am in that last act of my life, I want it to have a happily ever after ending--beginning my new journey with a smile and a feeling of accomplishment. Leaving a footprint big enough for my grandchildren to be proud to follow in.

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DUMP IT

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Dump It

 I’ve kept my mind preoccupied for the past couple of weeks. Instead of worrying about my surgery tomorrow, nothing I do keeps my mind off my mental pain.

I’ve been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us go through times when we are out of options and don’t know where to turn. I try to remember that anytime I don’t see a way out, God will repeatedly make a clear and precise way. I often try to find confidence in Him, remembering He has made promises. I’ve accepted that he will not take it away, so there is no way out but a way through.

I’ve been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope but found out differently by having. In Genesis, there was a time when Moses led the children of Israel out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn’t get far before being close to their enemies, who wanted to enslave them again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:1,3, Moses said, “Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.” Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so the people could move forward on dry land. But that’s not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free. 

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him. I keep standing and believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through difficult situations so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It’s not always easy to do; I am human.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.” There have been times when I’ve felt left out. I’ve been disregarded by people who have overlooked me. But now I always remember the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I chose her. She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth, I was told, “You’re just too tall or too skinny,” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel, “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time, Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a lifetime to understand. Those aches were real, but I can see the hand of God in my life by tracing back over those steps. I’m unsure why we hold on to the past so tightly. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself, I pulled into a Land Fill (weird, never been there before--it stinks.)

I parked, poured my heart out to the Lord, and dumped everything holding me back.

Dumped my fears today...

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we do not think something is wrong with us but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer, Heavenly Father says He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never happened.

It’s time for me to dig my heels in. Not allowing what somebody did or didn’t do to steal my joy and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, and not attractive. No, it’s time for me to realize I am a child of God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments but from Him. I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He would take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I’m trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father will always give me the last laugh. I believe he’s trying hard to get me where I’m supposed to be. I may never run that marathon I’ve dreamed of, but God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me. A year ago, I thought I was on the road to recovery, complete healing. I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to full fill. With all my heart, my Heavenly Father is bringing light into my life for a new journey and peace. The person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have difficulty looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. In fact, He knows this will take years of aching, crying, and suffering before I will be ok with that image in the mirror. The knowledge I have learned is this, He never gives up on any of us.

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