You Are A Man of God

Hey Frenchie, I've been deciding whether to stay or stay in this house we built together. Blake showed me a house this week in Gilbert. A smaller home sounds much better than this BIG house and yard.  It's such a hard decision; we built this house as we wanted. We built this house around the pantry. Remember how adamant I was about having a big pantry? You made sure I had the pantry of my dreams. Thank you for loving me that much... lol.

I received a phone call from Lori Blandford telling me that Jeff was offering to sell me any of his specs for his cost. My initial reaction was to tell her no, I'm not ready for that yet. This is my worst nightmare. It goes to show me that I never know exactly what is going to happen next. I miss you very much. My heart is still broken. 

I cry myself to sleep every night and hold your pillow close. You are the last person on earth I could imagine dying. Mainly because you were bigger than life and loved life. I want you to know I forgive you for things I brought up to you often about our past. I appreciate that you apologized to me the night before you died, but why? Did you know you were going to die? When I look back at the last month before you passed, there are too many things you said or did that make me believe you knew this was coming. Not too many people get a second chance at life. You did and made up for so many years that I knew you felt disconnected from our children. You made that all right with them; each loves you so much.

I wish you were sitting next to me on our bed. I know you loved when I wrote in this blog. I really wish you had left more of your life experiences with the kids. You really didn't like to write things down. Lol, but I would give anything to have your journals. I read from your missionary journal that you only wrote for the first six months. What happened? I remember things you told me about your mission, but you didn't talk much about it. Did you think any of us would be disappointed in you? I hope you never felt that because the man I started dating over forty years ago was a man of God. I loved how humble you were. I saw that side of you again in the past year and a half. Heavenly Father is so happy with you. We all make mistakes, but the Atonement covers all of them. Every day, I am grateful that I married you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Save me a place. I cannot wait to see you again. I long for your fantastic hugs.

I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

I can do hard things

 I've had to make some tough decisions about my mental health and how Kayla and Kaitlyn have affected me this past year.

    I miss them but have decided for my own mental health. It's been a year since I had to hear Kayla call me disgusting and a text from Kaitly saying I'm awful. I have sincerely apologized, taken responsibility, and put myself through shame as a mother and seen a therapist. I realize they have boundaries, So I have to consider them acquaintances. They were in my first circle and are now considered in my third circle. I must let them have their boundaries and realize I do not have any control over other people's thoughts and feelings; their perceptions are different than mine, but I respect their perspectives because I finally figured out two things during therapy with Eric.

Kayla

1. I was a mess when I was pregnant with Kayla. Eric was so embarrassed he didn't want to see me. I cried every day for nine months, the shame I had to feel going to work pregnant, and everyone knew I was not married and that Eric and I were not seeing each other. Eric didn't help with the money; I took what little money I had across the street to Pic n Save to get cans of vegetables just to keep up with my nutrition. Eric asked his office if I would call to tell me he was not there (Before Cellphones). Being alone for nine months of pregnancy, living alone was very depressing. I had a lot of anxiety, shame, and disappointment in myself for giving in to Eric. I worried about how I would care for myself and the baby. It was so scary. I tried to save money but barely made enough to pay for my apartment. I never talked to my mom and dad until I was eight months pregnant. I was at their home, and my mom asked me how Ray felt about this. I had to tell her, "I don't know, I'm sure he doesn't know." She picked up the phone and called Eric's dad to tell him he would be a grandfather in a month. He was quiet but definitely did not know about the pregnancy. Eric only told me, "You cannot have the baby on August 17th because I am getting an award for real estate, and I have to be there." On the day of my ultrasound, he said he would be there but never showed up.

On the morning of August 17th, I called my mom at 3 am, and she stayed on the phone with me to count the minutes between contractions. When they got to 5 minutes apart, she told me to call Eric and have him come and pick me up. I called him, and surprisingly, he answered. He said he couldn't get me; I told him I would drive to his condo, across the street from the hospital where I would be delivering. The drive was, to say the least, HARD, having contractions and trying to drive in rush hour traffic. When I arrived, I lay on his sofa. He was upset that I was having a baby on the day he was honored. He was cold and nervous about what he would say in his speech, so I tried to ignore what he said and did. I labored for about 6 hours alone; I would call the hospital, and they would tell me to wait just a little bit longer. The pain was so bad. Having my first baby, I really didn't know what to expect. My mom never called again, and I couldn't get to the phone on the wall in the kitchen. I didn't think she had Eric's phone number. I wanted her with me. I just wanted my mom to reassure me I would be okay and that I hadn't been forgotten. I prayed a lot but felt unworthy of it or His love since I had committed the worst sin other than murder. The pain still came, but I needed to be brave. I needed to be strong for my baby. During those hours alone in labor, I will never forget how lonely I was. I knew the pain wasn't going away, so I cried a lot, knowing no one would see my weakness.

When Eric arrived home after his award ceremony, he changed his clothes and showed me his award. I couldn't care less; my contractions were 2 minutes apart, and he had no idea how to comfort me. I don't think he wanted to comfort me. The physical pain, on top of his self-pride, was more than I could process at the time. I told him he needed to take me to the hospital. He didn't help me to the car. At the hospital, he was in the delivery room. The nurses told him how to help me and how to breathe with me while in contractions, and he did well. When the doctor told me I had a new baby daughter, I was overwhelmed with unconditional love when they placed her on my chest. I remember kissing her and saying, "I love you," and promising I would always be there for her. It was a relief to have her here physically okay, with ten fingers and ten toes, but I was unsure how I would make it through this. The nurses brought her to me to nurse, but I wasn't ready. I told them I needed time. I gave Kayla my last name because I had no idea what was next and did not want any problems with him trying to take her someday.

What was interesting was when my mom and dad came, and eventually, Eric's dad and Betty Eric went into this weird, almost politician-like mood. He pretended he had been with me through not only the last 9 months but the labor I was in at his condo. It was as if he knew every detail of the past months, but he knew nothing. 

When I went home with my new little bundle of joy, I was alone but not lonely; now, I could hold and play with my baby. I nursed her until it was time to go back to work. I cried when I dropped her off at Sonya's house but was grateful to her for helping me. I have yet to hear from Eric. Kayla had colic, and I thought it would never end. I had to take her in my car so the neighbors wouldn't complain. I'd be up all night, then go home and prepare for work. I was exhausted. One night, I drove her to Eric's home (he moved to Chandler). I think it was two or three in the morning, and when he answered the door, I placed my crying baby in his arms and told him it was his turn and I needed sleep. He had no idea what to do but said, "I can't do this. I have to go to work." I slept as much as I could and had no idea how he kept her quiet, but she was asleep next to him on his waterbed in the morning. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like for us to be married and do this parenting together.

When Kayla was two months old, I was in a car accident. They had to take Kayla out of the car with the jaws of life. Kayla was screaming, and my heart ached for her. When the firefighters finally got her out, she was all smiles. My car was totaled. I don't remember how we got home. When I called Eric, I couldn't contact him, so I called his office. The secretary told me he was on a trip to Spain and would not be home for another week.

This is when I knew I had to let go of Eric and move forward with Kayla. I wrestled with the idea of her not having a father figure in her life. It would never be Gary, and I had yet to hear from Ray. Someone I knew years ago called me (I'm sure he got my phone from my mom.) He wanted to visit me; I told him it was not a good idea because I had a baby and was unmarried. He said, "I know, but I still want to visit you." I agreed, and Dave came to my apartment. I hadn't seen him for so long, so I asked what he was doing now. He said, "I'm an anesthesiologist." I laughed and said, "I guess you bought that Porsche with that money?" He said he'd been practicing in Phoenix for several years now; I remembered then that he was quite a bit older than I was. He visited Kayla and me as much as he could. As weeks went on, I have yet to hear from Eric. One night, he called when Dave was there. He wanted to come over, and I told him no, I was visiting with a friend. It killed me to say that to him; I loved him still and wanted us to be a family. Eric drove over anyway; when he knocked on the door, I stepped outside and told him, "I asked you not to come over." He said, "Who is in there with you?" I told him it was a friend, and he said, "A friend that drives a Porsche?" "I don't have to tell you that." He was angry when I wouldn't let him in the apartment. Dave came out and said, "I can see this is not a good time, Monya; I put Kayla to bed. I will talk to you tomorrow." That did not go well with Eric, but I stood my ground and said goodbye.

Dave started discussing marriage and adopting Kayla; he wanted to take us to the Temple. I didn't love him and thought he was moving too fast. Kayla was only four months old. I never loved anyone like I loved Eric, but then I started to doubt myself and wondered if I loved his parents more than him. I called Eric and told him that Kayla had my last name and that Dave was discussing marriage. Eric was livid; he told me he would take her to Europe with him, and I'd never see her or him again if I did that. I wanted to laugh because he would not know how to take care of her, and maybe he needed some time alone with her to see how hard it was to be alone and raise a baby...he had no idea. Besides, how would he obtain a passport for Kayla? I hung up, saying, "Eric, I've given you six years of my life, and not once have you been serious about marriage. I'm still in love with you, but I can't do this with you anymore. I have a baby to think of, and it would be good to realize you have a daughter and stop hiding it from everyone."

One night, he came over to my apartment and wanted to talk. I allowed him to come in; he held Kayla until she cried, then quickly handed her back to me. After I nursed and put Kayla to bed, Eric was still there. He tried to kiss me, and I turned away; I told him no, but he pushed himself on me. I remember pushing him away and saying, "No, I will not do that anymore with you." He didn't listen through my tears. I was so glad to see him leave and get a restraining order on him. The next month, when my cycle didn't come, I went to Pic and Save and bought a pregnancy test. I sat on my bathroom floor and cried; I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I was devastated.

How could I let this happen? Should I even tell Eric? What about Dave? I am a terrible person; I'm a sinner, and God will never forgive what I have done. I called Eric, angrier than scared to tell him. He didn't believe me until I reminded him of that night. After a month passed and he hadn't called, I knew I would be doing this again with two children. Kayla would cry when she saw me cry, so I tried to cry after she was dropped off and I was on my way to work. There was no way I could love another child like I did Kayla; I took her everywhere with me. Abortion was out of the question; I didn't believe in that.

Eric came to the apartment one night, and I saw he was distraught. I let him in, and he told me he would pick me up in the morning, and we would marry. I laughed at him and said, "Why should I believe you'll show up this time." So many times, he had said that to me, and I would wait and not hear from him for days. He said, "I need to tell you something first." Without going into all the details, he told me he had been intimate with two other girls. When he told me one of them was when I was in the accident with Kayla and that he had won a trip for two to Spain, he took her with him. I stood up and said, "Get out of here. I never want to see you again." he said, "But we were on a break." This made me madder; I said, "We were on a BREAK?? Did you forget to tell these girls you had a child? Just get out of my apartment. I can't hear any more of this." Before he left, he said, "Monya, I could never marry you without telling you about the other girls." I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The following day, I was getting ready for work and trying to get Kayla ready when a knock was on my door. It was Eric in a suit and tie. I said, "What are you doing here? I'm going to be late for work." He said, "I came to get you. We are getting married today." "Yeah, right; really, what do you want?" He cried and said, "I am marrying you today."

We went to the courthouse in Phoenix and stood before a judge, where we were married. It was surreal to have waited six years and finally be married. Our first year of marriage was really hard. Every time Eric was late getting home from work, I wondered if he was cheating on me. I also felt like maybe he didn't really love me, and that was why it took him so long.

DUMP IT

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Dump It

 I’ve kept my mind preoccupied for the past couple of weeks. Instead of worrying about my surgery tomorrow, nothing I do keeps my mind off my mental pain.

I’ve been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us go through times when we are out of options and don’t know where to turn. I try to remember that anytime I don’t see a way out, God will repeatedly make a clear and precise way. I often try to find confidence in Him, remembering He has made promises. I’ve accepted that he will not take it away, so there is no way out but a way through.

I’ve been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope but found out differently by having. In Genesis, there was a time when Moses led the children of Israel out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn’t get far before being close to their enemies, who wanted to enslave them again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:1,3, Moses said, “Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.” Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so the people could move forward on dry land. But that’s not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free. 

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him. I keep standing and believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through difficult situations so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It’s not always easy to do; I am human.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.” There have been times when I’ve felt left out. I’ve been disregarded by people who have overlooked me. But now I always remember the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I chose her. She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth, I was told, “You’re just too tall or too skinny,” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel, “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time, Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a lifetime to understand. Those aches were real, but I can see the hand of God in my life by tracing back over those steps. I’m unsure why we hold on to the past so tightly. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself, I pulled into a Land Fill (weird, never been there before--it stinks.)

I parked, poured my heart out to the Lord, and dumped everything holding me back.

Dumped my fears today...

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we do not think something is wrong with us but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer, Heavenly Father says He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never happened.

It’s time for me to dig my heels in. Not allowing what somebody did or didn’t do to steal my joy and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, and not attractive. No, it’s time for me to realize I am a child of God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments but from Him. I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He would take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I’m trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father will always give me the last laugh. I believe he’s trying hard to get me where I’m supposed to be. I may never run that marathon I’ve dreamed of, but God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me. A year ago, I thought I was on the road to recovery, complete healing. I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to full fill. With all my heart, my Heavenly Father is bringing light into my life for a new journey and peace. The person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have difficulty looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. In fact, He knows this will take years of aching, crying, and suffering before I will be ok with that image in the mirror. The knowledge I have learned is this, He never gives up on any of us.

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The truth stings

 

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2014

The truth stings

 I immediately looked to my left when I walked into Mayo Clinic hospital today. This is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her. I remember being jealous, and I wished it had been me. So much has happened since then, I'm not afraid to die, but right now, I'm enjoying my family.

Mayo Clinic "the place."

The nurse came in with Dr. Freeman, asked my name and birth date, and said, "what are we doing for you today?" I replied, "hurting me to take away my pain?" How weird is that statement? They both, not knowing how to respond, said, "where are we going to hurt you today?" laughter "In my hip and lower back" He gives me trigger shots, and when he does, he jiggles the needle around to make sure he gets the entire area around where the initial pain is. Every time he does that, I want to come off the table. Dr. Freeman says, "Almost done; I'm sorry it hurts." I haven't seen him since my surgery in the Spring. 

Recovery, drinking my daily routine

I have been staying busy, working at US Airways; I have the best management and supervisor I could request. They really care. I'm working on being Happy, trying to deal privately with it; if my face must stay the way it is right now, will I be OK with that? I don't expect anyone to understand my feelings, but I am sometimes lonely in THAT world. I have researched partial facial paralysis, gone to the library online, and tried to reach out to anyone who has suffered or is dealing now with this--NOTHING--But I understand a little more about what Dr. Barrs was talking about when he said this is rare for a nerve to just die, with no apparent reason. This is not like having a stroke or Bells Palsy, where the nerve is damaged and WILL eventually snap back; this is a dead nerve, which means it will not live again or regenerate.

This is what a dead nerve looks like--, and it's mine.

Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it would grow together with the nerves on either side. If this works, we will not see any results for a year, and I will get 30% of the facial movement back. If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline, pull my face before, take the nerve from the left side of my head, connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year. I don't want to go through that again. Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me; not getting results or answers is frustrating and want to say "WHY" is sometimes realistic.

Hearing for the first time in 48 years was fantastic; I heard things I'd never heard. Sounds like most people I know take it for granted. That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had; without a doubt, the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby. What I wasn't prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my exciting news, which quickly turned to sadness. Hearing what people say about me hurt me; I knew they would not intentionally hurt me. In fact, none of them knew I could listen to it, and they all were saying it out of love for me--still, the sting of truth hurts. I've been able to get used to going to the store and watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact, but now hearing opinions, I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead, what I heard was, "I feel so sorry for her," "She is so strong," and "Have you ever read her blog?" "I don't think her face is ever going to be the same" "She used to have such a beautiful smile" tear ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from; I'm not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from. We have cubicles where we sit. I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see and took my BAJA off. I haven't worn it to work since that day. 

So proud of Mayo Clinic, this Cancer Center has been in the
works for years, it's getting done, they will have a proton
radiation beam, the only one in the Western part of the
nation. Proton beams are used to radiate certain cancers and
can pinpoint to 99.9%  

I am the one who gets to decide what my destiny is, what my life will be, and who I choose to share my light with. I love my coworkers, family, and friends, but I must be OK with 'me.'
I will decide where I end up, I'm doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do, I can't wear the BAJA. 

    I'm taking it slow because, sitting right now, I'm feeling things I've never felt before. My heart has never beat as hard in my chest as when wearing the BAJA. I feel blessed to know the people around me are my friends; they are kind and loving; at least nothing wrong was said--just the truth--the truth I was unprepared to hear. I need to work on myself and my confidence, eliminate the negative and concentrate on the positive. There's a fire in me that I can never deny. I know He lives, and He loves me. My faith and hope over the years have given me the peace and strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life. However, I've tasted the truth, and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a sad thing. I needed a taste of reality. It will take some time to process what He wants me to learn.

The moon is beautiful tonight from my balcony in my bedroom; this picture does
not do justice. It is HUGE, YELLOW and
GORGEOUS

I will wear the BAJA on the Sunday before Thanksgiving to hear Stephen Phelps and the choir sing Come thou Font of every Blessing. I have so much to be grateful for and have been blessed with a good life---music touches my soul and helps me to heal. It's just a more protracted process this time.

Find Me-Frozen Inside

Monday, SEPTEMBER 29, 2014

Find Me-Frozen Inside

There have been times when I've wanted to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much like a butterfly does. I've had days when I feel locked in a glass house with no way out and everyone watching. I want to fly free; I'm emotionally healing much slower than I expected. I'm trying hard to break out of the prison walls I've built around myself. I wish I had someone to talk to. I need to gain my grasp and be more authentic with people. I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a big full smile; my frailties are being masked by a strong woman who has difficulty admitting her weaknesses.

I sometimes ache, trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others. I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized, "this is what other people see" This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain. I still feel so much Happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren, but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts. The confusion contradicts what I feel inside, I don't understand it, so I do not expect anyone else to understand it. I'm trying my hardest to Live Happily. I love serving others; it warms my heart and lightens my load.

I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon; the decision was made that the day will continue on March 20 of every year. I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect that can be wrapped around the hearts of people worldwide, regardless of race, culture, religious belief, or lifestyle. I am an ambassador of Happiness, but I still want to know if that contradicts how I feel on some days. I feel like I am on display; I see how people look at me and then quickly look away. I know because I, too, have done it. I've said on this blog that I don't believe people, in general, are vindictive or mean any harm; it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing. I just never thought I would be the one on display. I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother, or neighbor; they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did. The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He sees me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again; the sad part is because of what I've experienced, I know I will never be the same again. Although I didn't ask for this experience, I'm living it. I also realize that I have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not oversee my trials, but I have control over how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith and with a desire to continue to be the best I can be.

On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me, "how are you doing today, Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, it's more than just dealing with cancer with and all the side effects. I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I cannot achieve my goals. I can't do this alone; my soul is tired and needs rest. I've pleaded for help so many times I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but sometimes I want to avoid hearing the answers. Saying I'm deaf is an understatement. I am so vulnerable right now; I know I need to be willing to put all my trust in the Lord's hands once more. I've been down this road before; I know this feeling. Taking a step forward is challenging, and it hurts to look backward. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" When I'm finally ready to listen, I will go and be or do what He needs me to do.

I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now, I'm frozen inside. I have no regrets; I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it; I know I have to live it, and when I'm living in those shadows, He will find me, take me by the hand, and lead me to a brighter place.

LABELS: BLESSINGS, CANCER, FAITH, HEARING, HOPE, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, LIVING, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PAIN, PEACE, SMILING, TRIALS 

Why are you happy?

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2014

Why are you happy?

I was recently asked, "why are you happy, and how do you remain happy?" The truth is, I must work on Happiness every day of my life. I did not intend to be diagnosed with late stages of breast cancer or the following side effects. I thought at the time it was a joke; I was still going to continue training for that Marathon I always wanted to run. I was happy; I had the life I always dreamed of, stay-at-home mom, room mother for all four of my children's classrooms, and I loved driving the girls to dance and Blake to baseball. Good friends and a wonderful family surrounded my life.

 I have always been a runner, kickboxer, cycler, core trainer, and weightlifter, this was my life, and I loved every second of it. The day I had to listen to a doctor explain what type of cancer I had, I did not respond; Eric was crying; it was such a blur. Why was he crying? This is not real; we will get a second opinion, and of course, I will continue to train because this is not real. Even now, when I look back at that day, how I responded amazes me: no tears or emotion. Blake was at the airport flying up to Utah to see his girlfriend Lecith, and Kaitlyn was living in Utah, going to school and loving life. She had found the man of her dreams, and I could not be happier with her choice. Eric called Blake and asked him to come home, but he wouldn't. He told Eric to just tell him what was up. When Eric told him, he was angry, thinking we knew for a while and just didn't tell him. I explained to him the doctor had just told me I had no idea. We did not hear from or see Blake for a week. He went to Utah and would not answer his phone. We then called Kaitlyn to tell her, and she reacted just like I did, with no emotion--however, Brian told me later that she was distraught. She thought like I did. This was just a little thing that would go away. Kayla, Jeremy, and Haleigh met us at the house, and I remember Eric standing in the kitchen sink. The kids and I were sitting at the table, and I just said, "I have cancer" Immediately, silence entered the room. Kayla started to cry, Eric was still crying, Jeremy was in a sullen mood, unsure how to react, but asked if I wanted a blessing. Haleigh, she was and is my baby girl. This announcement could not have come at a worse time for her. It was a week before her senior year of High School.

Since that day, I have had to learn to smile with my eyes and listen with my heart. I had no idea what would explode in our lives as the Villain took over. Suddenly, the "things" that were so important to me were insignificant. During the first three years, I never went one minute without thinking about the Villain; every appointment, bone scan, MRI, and test gave me anxiety. I still get anxious when I step off the elevator onto the third floor of the Mayo Clinic; I can smell the chemo, and the sickness is in the air.

Tonight, I just can't sleep. My mind is racing; I feel unprepared for this trial I am having now. I need some calmness in my life. I just want to fall asleep and be with Eric's mom and Dad, dream of being in a safe place, with no pain, no hurt, and in the arms of people who unconditionally love me. I must remind myself every day of the many blessings I have. I see my reflection in the mirror and want to cry. I don't expect anyone to understand. Now, I must learn to accept the person I see in the mirror and remember to smile with my eyes. I loved Elder Holland's talk about depression. I have read it repeatedly. Depression is REAL. If you have ever experienced it, you know what I am talking about. When Robin Williams took his life recently, much discussion was about his selfishness. I cannot completely understand his reasons. My heart was with him. How well he hid his depression and made us all laugh while he was struggling with his own demons.

A person cannot go through some of the things I have endured and be unchanged. To the people who feel discouraged, and misunderstood, have faith, hold onto the knowledge you have of Hope for a better day. I loved it when Elder Holland said, "Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can ever comprehend" It's incredible to me that the love He has for us never leaves. He will always love us. That love is unconditional. I am happy all the time. That simply would not be true, I struggle with it daily, but I know it is a choice, and it feels better than being depressed. You can wake up every day and decide to make the most of the life you have been given. It does not necessarily mean changing your world but how you look at it.

Back To Work

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

Back to Work

I decided to go back to work; my doctors in Cleveland would have wanted me to wait a bit longer, but I couldn't sit around. I look in the mirror and I am still not ready to accept what I see; I really thought I was. Last week I finished my work; it was a difficult transition, and my eye continued to be annoyed. Cleveland Clinic PA told me to massage the lower lid to strengthen the muscle; I have been doing that, but still, it waters constantly to the point of not being able to see out of my right eye. Mayo Clinic says I have chronic dry eye, which is weird since it always waters. They are trying to fit me in this week. Work was challenging; my foot was so swollen by the end of each day, I had a tough time getting my shoes on. I tried to spend the weekend elevating it; I don't have a vital education about how nerves all I know is it takes a year for things to truly heal. If this last surgery did not work, this is what is next. They will make an incision from my hairline, ear to ear, pull back my face, take the nerve from the left side, and attach it to the right side, then wait another year.

Being at work, I felt vulnerable as I walked into the building; I usually like to smile and greet people with a happy attitude. Alot of people did not recognize me with my short hair and odd-looking face. I even had someone ask if I gained all my weight while I was gone...Yes, I did...I was on two different steroids and ballooned up a bit. I am now off them and back to my regular eating habits to get back to my average weight. When others notice, then it must be a noticeable change.

I am always amazed at what my brain can retain, and what takes time to recall. My job at US Airways is in the International Reservations Department. There is a lot of information most people take for granted that they know how to do. I've realized, since being back, how amazing my brain is. Reactivating those brain cells and muscles, I have not used for a few months, is slowly coming back without having to look at my notes.

I am struggling to keep my spirits up and stay positive. One way I do this is to continue to read an enjoyable book every day for 30 minutes...this gives me HOPE in my purpose in life. It is so easy to wonder "why" when that happens; I have to get on my knees and say, "thank you for this trial,  I am trying so hard to understand; please give me guidance and strength to know what to do, now that it is done there is not much I can do to change it, but now it is time for reality and for me to live with it, I accept that, but please help me along the way, give those nudges of the spirit when I am bombarded with doubt." 

I marvel at my ignorance; I once thought I had all I could deal with as a youth, and that my Heavenly Father had given me quite a challenge to overcome, and when I finally did and was able to truly forgive and move forward, I just knew that was it for me ... If I could overcome that, I would be left alone for life... no more trials. He really does give us what He knows we can handle, but He is also trying to teach me something through all this. I had a dream that allowed me to see and was explicitly told that I have a purpose here on earth; it's just so hard to grasp what I've been asked to do and not say, "why? Why me? I try to believe that I am of infinite worth and that I should be saying "why not" Maybe because I know all my faults and know the things I need to work on, I am not a particular person, no different than anyone else, the world is filled with people who are struggling. A part of me wants to negotiate my way out of this one.

He Knows Me

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2013

He Knows Me

It's difficult to know yourself; I mean, know yourself well enough to know when enough is enough. I woke up this morning feeling like I've been here forever,  depressed; I drug myself out of bed into the bathroom, trying hard to see what was so great about today....?  With tears running down my face, I looked at myself in the mirror. That same mirror I 1st stared at my flat chested scared breasts, the same mirror I stared at my bald head, inspecting every inch of it; today, while I look at myself, I wonder what is worse, being completely bald or partially bald? The past couple of days have been pulling me down; I'm in desperate need of the Lord to come to find me---light a torch under me--writing here on this blog is where I can see myself,  especially on the days when I just don't understand, when I don't want to ask why, or I don't want to hear or feel anything, nothing, where I can hide in the shadows cry all I want and know HE knows HE is the only one who knows what I'm feeling, I have theses bittersweet tears, sleepless nights every now and then, that end up becoming a heartbreak that is so sacred and beautiful to me, its difficult to even describe. I wonder if even the bravest of the brave ever have these moments? Today I lit a fire log and stared at it as flames went to ashes; one day, my light will go out, and all that will be left is ashes--will I have done enough? I have been given so many tender mercies, and I genuinely have come to learn that HE is the tender behind the mercy--no doubt about that, but even with this knowledge, I sometimes feel so alone.

I remember a time in my life when I wanted to turn around and leave it all behind; I begged and pleaded with the Lord to leave me alone, stay away, quit helping me; I didn't want HIS help anymore; I really just wanted to end it all. If I could, I would have run my car off a cliff; that was the plan. But I decided that day to take on HIS name, I turned my car around, and from that day forward, I have been faithful to that promise to HIM. I feel this oneness with those who decide for whatever reason to take their own lives; my compassion and love for them run deep, this is a world of weakness, and we live in it. When my mind starts to wander over to that side, I know it's time to be thankful, grateful, humble, and thank HIM, who loves me so much. There have been times when I've closed that door on him and know many others who have done the same, but what I've learned is that HE always keeps HIS door open; we can lock our hearts from HIM, but HE will never lock HIS door, through the storms of life, if I allow HIM, HE will fill up my heart and bubble through my eyes with tears. I am so impatient, even when I know HE is teaching me, step by step--I cannot think of more pure love than the love HE has for all HIS children.

Oh, how hard this life has been, and I'm sure the depth is still to come; I've felt every emotion that our Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel --I will always praise HIS grace and love for me until the day I take my last breath--when I see him again, I will humbly bow down and say "Thank You, for the sacrifice you gave in my name so I could live, learn, and  try my hardest to love as you do."

Maybe I have not learned enough, perhaps I have not tried enough, maybe I have not served sufficient; there is so much more for me to know; I see people surrounding me who give and give and give, and I wish I was more like that, or I think "now why didn't I think of that?"

With packing out--less swelling

Temporary cap on the BAHA

The grafted skin was taken from my upper arm

• For those interested in the doctor report, here it goes--I may have reported on my last blog, so sorry to repeat if I did. On Monday,  Dr. Barr's took out the packing and the covering of the BAHA. Not painful; the staples were a pinch or two--but nothing like getting my expanders filled with PK. He said he needed to leave a couple of the staples until I see him next time, and speaking of next time, he will be out of town and wants the Chief of surgery in his department to look at my ear and get a 2nd opinion. Because of time restraints while he was doing the surgery, he could not do any more digging, and taking the chance would open up a whole new 8 hours of surgery, so with respect to that, I was pleased that he took it so seriously. He just made it loud and clear that another surgery was a possibility. The way I feel right now, THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN--I can't do it, I'm done. He found a black fleshy area that he was suspicious of but was afraid if he dug into it, it would end up being another 8-9 hours. He showed Eric how to change the packing on my ear; it has a particular way it has to be done--the look on Eric's face said it all; I honestly do not want him to have to do this; I wish I knew a nurse or doctor close by, someone who sees this kind of stuff and have it not be emotional. Today while Eric was gone to the SUNS game with Eric, I went downstairs and opened up the medicine cabinet to see it in the opposite mirror, pulled out the packing, and for the 1st time, I saw it; now I know, I know exactly what Eric and the rest of the world will see--a huge black hole--I literally threw up in the toilet and continued with tears running down my cheeks to pack it the best I could. Eric just got home and told me I did it wrong--so I'll let him fix it. I want so badly to call Mary Greer (she's a nurse} I trust and love her, but she has so much on her plate right now there is no way I can do that. I now know why Dr. Barr;s didn't laugh when I asked if people would be able to see from that ear out the other--I was just joking, trying to lighten up the mood; he didn't laugh; I was merely suggesting there is not much between the two ears--haha, sometimes I make jokes when I'm worried. Today the hematoma has gone down in size but is oozing blister-like stuff, and the good news is the swelling is going down on the actual ear itself.  

Monday Mormon Myths & Truths #5

 

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2013

 Monday Mormon Myths and truths #5

I was asked by several different people over the past couple of weeks to discuss Mormon Women. With that being such a considerable interest with a lot of you, I have decided to break it up a little and answer a couple a week until they are all answered--

A Pulitzer Prize winner by the name of Wallace Stegner, authored a book in 1964 about the Mormon pioneers going westward in their migration to Utah and other western states. This is one of the things he said "I shall try to present the Mormons in their terms and judge them in mine. That I do not accept the faith that possessed them does not mean I doubt their frequent devotion and heroism in its service. Especially their women, their women, were incredible."

The LDS women today do not wear the pioneer dresses of the 1800s, but the women still lead remarkable lives and have a profound effect on other people. This coming from a self-professed late '20s, childless overeducated atheist feminist "I confess that reading Mormon housewives blogs, I have learned they are uplifting" she said that "their lives send out the message to the world, it is possible to be happy.....they love their homes, they love their husbands, family is their biggest priority, and life is meant to be enjoyed."
So who are LDS women, and what makes them so incredible? Where and how do they fit into the church, its society, and theology--I will answer all of the questions regarding women in the next few weeks.

  Mormon Myth: LDS women are more depressed than other women

Answer: NOT TRUE

I loved this question. I have gotten a few emails about this--to be quite honest with you, I had heard Utah had the highest usage of antidepressants in the nation and wondered about it myself--so this was great to study--thank you for the question--I guess I never thought about the fact that Utah with its 60%  LDS population would obviously be the reason why so many believe it has to be related to the lifestyle we live. 

A common myth has been circulating that LDS women are more depressed than any other women in America due to the demands, expectations, and religious lifestyle of Mormonism. This rumor started when Scripts reported in 2001 and 2007 that Utah, with its population of 60% LDS people, led the nation to use antidepressant medicines. Of course, people conclude that the high rate of depression was related to how the "Mormons live."

Many studies have examined the relationship between religion and depression, specifically Mormonism and depression. Most research indicates that LDS women are no more likely to experience depression than any other women in other religious groups.
 There was a study done in 2010 that compared thousands of LDS men and women with thousands of non-LDS men and women on twelve indicators of depression and found that, on average, LDS men who served missions (indicating their high religious activity in the church) reported less incidence of depression than any other.

And, you are now wondering about women, right? LDS women who served a mission (once again, indicating high activity in the LDS church) had significantly less depression than the national sample, reporting an average score of 1.0 days per week where depression symptoms occurred, compared to 1.39 days per week by the women on the national model (LDS women who did not serve a mission also reported a lower number than the national average of 1.11 days)
All this research concluded that "this study found no evidence that members of the LDS church experienced more depression than others across the nation. In fact, they discovered that, overall, LDS men and women with higher rates of religiosity had significantly lower levels of depression than the average American. So, the religious LDS lifestyle is a buffer against depression rather than what many LDS and non-LDS people have believed over the years.

  I have struggled with depression throughout my life, and for over 20 years, I have taken an antidepressant to help balance the serotonin levels in my body. For many years I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing this with people, not only LDS members but non-members. The reason:

For me, it was because I felt if I told people, then they would have a lower opinion of me and that I would be looked at as a failure, not having the ability to control my thoughts or feelings. When I discovered I had cancer, I stopped taking all my antidepressant medicine; I have no idea why, except I thought it might be adding to the problem, and no doctor ever told me to stop taking it. Within a few months, I became extremely depressed and wanted to just die. When I went to the Mayo psychiatrist, he asked me why I stopped taking my medicine. My answer was, "I don't know, I just was so consumed with cancer I just stopped taking anything else, including vitamins" He then asked some questions about my childhood, and we talked about why I was initially taking the drug. He explained it so simple to me he said "If a person who is diabetic does not take their insulin, or a person who has heart problems does not take their medicine, they could get very sick and die, YOU and people like you who suffer with this anxiety and depression are no different, society sees them different, but medically you need to respect what your body is telling you and take the medicine that helps you"  I have never worried about it since, I take my medicine, I'm balanced, and I feel better. This has nothing whatsoever to do with my Mormon lifestyle of living. It has to do with genetics. There is a history in my family of depression and chemical imbalances.

LDS Women and the Priesthood:

Latter Day Saint women are not ordained to priesthood offices in the LDS church, and we don't know why. President Gordon B Hinckley said, "Women do not hold the Priesthood because the Lord has put it that way. It is part of His program" Although Mormon women do not hold the priesthood office, all the blessings and saving ordinances through the Priesthood are made equally available to both men and women.

To make it easier to understand, Priesthood is not a prideful thing or for power, position, or prestige- it is strictly designed to serve others.
Women are called to serve in organizational leadership positions of the church from the general Church level (Salt Lake City) down to the congressional level. They work together alongside the male Priesthood holders to serve all of God's children together.
No Priesthood "ladder" is necessary to climb in the LDS church to reach heaven; only priesthood ordinances are required for salvation, and they are available to both males and females.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Symposium

 

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 2013

Mayo Clinic Cancer Symposium

2nd annual Mayo Clinic Symposium was held at the Marriott just a mile from the Phoenix Campus of Mayo Clinic. I attended again this year. Seeing my team of doctors was good, and ready-to-present information was good.

Dr. Northfelt, my med/oncologist, and myself

Some of the information I learned from the meetings was new to me, and some I already knew, but this is the reason I like to attend these symposiums so that I can learn all I can about my disease and what the new techniques or statistics are.

I learned that 200,000 new cases per year are reported of breast cancer, and the side effects of radiation are some that I am still dealing with. 

Lymphedema ✓

Lung inflammation

Fatigue ✓

Depression and anxiety ✓

Chest wall and or breast tenderness ✓

Breast swelling ✓

Skin burning

I only have five of those seven side effects, so I feel blessed to not have to deal with lung inflammation or burning skin anymore.

I learned that Radical mastectomies no longer are performed and have not been performed on breast cancer patients since the 1970s. They no longer perform these because the surgical procedures have been incredibly advanced since then. In a radical mastectomy, they used to have to take everything, including the bone surrounding the area, this left women with horrible battle scars. I had a Bi-lateral mastectomy. Both breasts were removed with all the surrounding tissue but not bone. This allows the surgeons to reconstruct more efficiently, with much better results.

When someone has a lumpectomy, they only have a 1.9% of recurrence. a single
mastectomy 1.1% recurrence, and only 0/3% of cancer patients who have a lump in one breast will get another in the other breast--in Dr. Kreymerman, "they are sisters, not twins."
BRCA 1 or 2 mutation only has a 30% 10-year recurrence in the other breast.
Only 25% of breast cancer diagnoses are women under 80.

Some great things to come are:
Cancer Vaccines
the studying of tumor clones
DCIS vaccines
Her2 antibodies

One bit of information I thought was interesting, 15% of patients who go through the cancer process will get Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. As you have been through a war, the fear and anxiety of the return of cancer or having to continue to deal with the side effects of cancer treatments can literally put one's body into traumatic stress.

With recurrent patients, 45% of women have treatable anxiety and depression within the 1st 3 months of 2nd diagnosis. This is a mountain to climb but more terrain to walk through.

Did you know

55% stress over financial problems during treatment
46% cut back on food to be able to pay their bills
6% lose their homes and have to relocate
50% are not comfortable talking about any of these symptoms, even to their doctors
50% of patients do not share all of what they are feeling or their fears with caregivers or family
history of abuse, physical, mental, or sexual, will increase the levels of anxiety and will not be
shared with doctors
most women post-treatment will have low sexual desire and vaginal dryness and feel embarrassed about asking or talking about it with their doctor.

I was not surprised that most women do not want to share many intimate details with their doctors but was reassured knowing I am one of them and it is normal.

I am still waiting to hear back from Mayo about my ultrasound and low white cell count--no news to report.