Dolphin World in San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

I thought about you all day today. I woke at 5:30 to see the sunrise and go to the estuary with Jori. Then Dwight picked us up with the boat. I got to see dolphins. It was so much fun. They swarm right next to the ship and are so playful.

Then we went out to Window Rock. It's gorgeous, and Dwight said it's an excellent place to dive. It was just me, Dwight, Jori, and her brother Scott. Then we headed over to pelican poop Island. Jori and I got out of the boat and looked for shells. There were the most beautifully colored shells out there. I collected quite a bit to add to our collection in Rocky Point. 

We ate at Sunset. I had flatbread that almost broke my teeth on—the crust was as hard as a rock, and you would have loved a beet salad.

The Sunset and sky were among the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It looked like pink cotton candy. I'm so happy Jori and Dwight invited me. A lot has stayed the same at Condos Pilar; now they have Del Fin condos next door, and they look nice, but I was happy staying with the Udalls. It's time for bed, but one day closer to being with you.

See You Soon

Monya

San Carlos Continued

 Dear Frenchie;

I wish you were here; I miss you. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning. Jori and I walk down the beach to the estuary to collect sea shells. I meditate on this little sand hill while Jori searches for 'football' shells. I'm sure that is not their real name, but they look just like a bit of football with the threads—they are so cute.

Weslie and Phoenix would love to be here picking out all of the versatile shells; they differ from those in Rocky Point. There are much more well-formed shells here, and of course, you know I had a bag full. I called to reserve the condo next door to Jori and Dwight for next year. I wish I could get the kids to commit, but you know how that is. It makes me feel bad. They have traditions with the Wright and Bigelow families. I just want to start some of our traditions. I can't trust getting them all condos down here, and then at the last minute, they cancel because something better came up. These condos have to be reserved a year ahead of time.

Today, I sat on the beach thinking about you and did something you would be proud of me for. I went into the water in Mexico and climbed up to my neck. I was scared to death, but I did it. Jori and I kayaked today, which is one thing I have never done before. It was enjoyable.

Dwight, Willie, and Marion were gone all day diving; I went into my bedroom when they talked about it because I knew if you were here, you'd be on that boat, too. It's so hard to see lives moving forward. I wanted that with you. We were supposed to build the cabin and get old together. We got old, but not old enough for me to let you go. I'm struggling with your absence ... can we just have a do-over? LOL. I shouldn't be selfish, wanting you to still be here with me, but I can't help it. You always loved these trips.

Tonight, there was a gorgeous sunset. I took pictures and thought about you. I met a woman who does massages and had one yesterday. She knew nothing about me but knew I was holding a lot of grief, pain, and trauma on my shoulders. She could read my energy and detected many things in my life.

Willie made lobster, salmon, and steaks for dinner, which I know is your kind of meal. It was delicious. I mixed my lobster with garlic mashed potatoes and his buttery sauce. It was good, but too much butter for me.   

I think I might actually gain some weight while I'm here. The last time I saw Doctor Castrol, he did not like how thin I had gotten. I was at 109 pounds, and he said I needed to be at 126 to be considered healthy. It is hard for me to remember to eat or want to eat without you. 

I could feel you tonight at Sunset, so I sat out on a chair and talked to you while I was eaten alive by mosquitos. I sure love you and wish time would go faster. I want to be with you.   

See You Soon

Monya                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                         

Mexico

I am so grateful to Brian and Blake; they have been helping me figure out finances. I'm going to have Ronny put me on a budget. We are fixing 604 and 605 like you and I planned, except I will not pull up the tile like you wanted. It's not necessary; it's Mexico!! We are spending the money to update them and hopefully be able to rent for a higher amount and bring in a new client who will care for those condos like we do. Flor will have to do more work; if we need to pay her more, we will; I think it might be good.

Haleigh and Scott are in California. They will be gone all summer long. Before they left, they took me to IKEA, I know what you are thinking ... "She hates IKEA." Well, you are right about that, but Scott and Haleigh were so helpful. We bought all new kitchen essentials for 604 & 605, new bedspreads, pillows etc. Brian and I picked out two sectionals, one for each condo. I asked Kaitlyn and Haleigh to pick out the color. This time I'm decorating them exactly the same. 

Brian took the furniture down last week, and Blake took three new tables for the patio at the condos. I'm worried about spending too much money, but I am listening to the kids. They have good taste. Haleigh and Scott have rentals and know how to update. Kayla has offered to do some marketing for the condos; I know we must be careful, but I think Kayla understands. She will not give our names or the condo numbers, just a condo on Sandy Beach. I'm very pleased with all the kids; they are the best thing we ever did together. I see so much of you in each one of them. I wish you could be here to see our great children. You and I can't take all the credit. We know we could have been better parents. I only remember the good stuff. Each one has their own personality and perspectives, and I think they are good humans. I love them all.

See You Soon,

I love you, Monya

Leaving Montana

 Dear Frenchie,

It was a quiet drive from Anaconda to Missoula. Aunt Ann and Uncle Mike were hoping I'd miss my flight so I could stay longer. Missoula Airport is small, and it is easy to get to the gate; I had no check-in luggage. So I knew I wouldn't miss the flight, but it made me feel good that they wanted me to stay. You know how much I have craved connecting with the Belshe family. They are my heritage, and I want to know more. It's unfair that you were not there with me; you are the only person who knows what I know and how I feel. 

It's no big secret to you, but I cried on the way home. Uncle Mike is getting old. I hope I see him next year. He said he is coming in the next couple of weeks to fix his teeth. Shonna is taking him to a dentist somewhere in Mexico. He said it is not Rocky Point, so I think maybe the town we drove through when the border was closed; I remember there were a lot of dentists in the town.

I'm home now and back to work. I got the same bid this time: 6:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m. working on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 

I miss talking to you; you always give me good advice. At night I get really lonely without you. My heart has a hole that can never be filled until I see you again.

See you soon

I love you-Monya

Happy Birthday Frenchie

Dear Frenchie;

Brian drove me down to Mexico so I could celebrate your birthday. I have some catching up to do. Life is crazy right now. I'm working again, and because you used to wake me up for work, I was a no-show one day because I didn't set my alarm correctly, and then I was late because I didn't hear the alarm go off. I don't wear the earplug anymore, boy; after all these years of wearing one at bedtime, it is hard to get used to, but I never miss the alarm now.

I always slept well in Mexico; it was so relaxing, and the weather was beautiful. Brian had to get home for some weddings, so I stayed and celebrated with you. The kids came the next day.

Just before sunset, I gathered some flowers growing on the property and headed to the beach. There were not as many people as I thought there would be, so I made a video for you. I said, "Life is Good." Then, I said, "But not as good without you, babe." Then I threw the flowers into the ocean and watched them go out to sea. When I couldn't see them any longer, they were out of my sight. I cried, knowing you were out of sight, but I could feel you that day. Thank you for that.

It was a lot of fun having almost everyone there. Blake's family and Kaitlyn and her children stayed in 507, and Haleigh and Scott stayed in 604. Kayla and Jeremy's family were here last week, and they loved it. I like seeing them take advantage of going to Mexico since they don't get vacations. 

We all celebrated you in our own way. I'm learning about grieving as I live through it and see the kids all grieve differently. I made a big mistake by asking the kids if they wanted to go through your shirts in Mexico; we all picked out the ones we loved and remembered you in the most. I have been gathering my own pile at home; the kids will have their choice of shirt, shorts, or pants to cut up and make a quilt out of, too. We were headed home the next day, so Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh went to the pool with their children for an hour or so. 

I gathered the clothing they didn't want and carried them to the HOA. They were so grateful and said they would find new homes for all the clothing, it was mostly pants-when did you ever wear pants in Mexico? I guess in the winter when we visited, but as I sorted them, I realized you had swimsuits and shorts that were 4X pants size 40, sweetheart. As I looked at the size of them, I thought about how hard you worked to lose weight. I don't remember you being so large. I'm sorry about that, too. I think you started to eat more when I was going through cancer treatments. I was so worried about my health that I didn't notice yours, and I am so sorry. Maybe I could have saved you by being more assertive, but it's a fine line to talk about. Being too skinny as a teenager, my mom made me eat, but I never gained any weight because I didn't make food a priority; running was my priority. 

When the kids came back to the condo, Blake was angry and asked what happened to all the clothes, and I told them I had taken them to the HOA. He became explosive, wanting to know where the shoes were. I told him I took them to the HOA but that he had mentioned the golf shoes, and I saved those for him. Then Chloe started in on me. I had no words because I was in the wrong. I never considered that when Blake comes to the condo, part of his enjoyment would be seeing all of your clothes hanging in the closet; it reminded him of his dad.

I gave him some time, but I did apologize to him when everyone wasn't standing around and told him next time any of us go to Mexico, we will take all their favorites back down to Mexico and hang them back up. Blake is a forgiving person, you know that. He's a mama's boy but adult enough to accept my apology and move on.

We all thought about you in our own way on your Birthday. I forgot to make you a German Chocolate Cake, so I will do that on Father's day for you. I love you so much, and as I navigate through all that comes with processing losing a husband and best friend, I love you even more and cannot wait to see you again. There is a whole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone but you.

Love Monya

Ruptured Implant

     Eric and I were in Mexico not too long ago, and I was lying by the pool. Some boys were tossing a ball back and forth to each other when the ball went next to my chair; I stood up and tripped on one of the other balls next to my chair. I instantly lost balance, which is not hard to do. I landed on a small concrete wall; the edge of the wall was precisely under my breast on the left side. It hurt; I thought I had broken a rib, and my breath was taken away. 

    When the pain didn't go away after a few weeks, I thought I may have ruptured one of the implants I received during reconstruction when I had breast cancer. First, I called Dr. Kreymerman; you know who he is if you've followed my blog; if not, Dr. Kreymerman or (PK) was the fantastic surgeon who did all my reconstruction. He has since moved from Arizona and is now living in North Carolina with his cute family. We talked briefly, and then he referred me to another doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona.

    I sat in the exam room with a robe on, waiting for the doctor. I instantly recognized him. I told him I thought I had broken an implant; he sat in his chair, looked at my breasts, and said, "No, they are fine." I told him I was worried because silicone can get into your body and really do damage to your major organs. I said, "I thought implants were supposed to be exchanged every ten years, and breast cancer patients don't pay." He stopped me and said there was nothing wrong with my breast and that the ten-year rule did not apply any longer. I stared at him, unsure what to say: no x-ray, no CT scan? The Mayo Clinic has always been comprehensive with cancer patients. I got dressed and left.

    I called Eric from the car, and he said, "What ...? That is weird; how does he know nothing is broken if they don't do a proper exam?" I told him it was frustrating and that my ribs were still in pain after 6 weeks, but perhaps I was wrong, and the implants were OK. I started checking online for another doctor and little did I know there is a team of doctors at Southwest Breast Aesthetics who only work with breast cancer patients' reconstruction. I called them, told them my worries, and made an appointment. I would be seeing Dr. Mino. I liked him immediately, and you know how I feel about surgeons. If I don't think they are confident ... I am done. Dr. Mino examined me properly and said if my ribs were still hurting after a month, there was a possibility of a problem. I set up my subsequent surgery with him. On November 3rd, I had surgery with him at Scottsdale Hospital. 

    My left breast implant ruptured. Dr. Mino said the surgery took longer than usual because the silicone was floating around in my breast cavity. He also advised us he had to go smaller because he could not stretch the thin skin around the implant. The skin was radiated and usually gets really thin, so that part was normal. I didn't care about being a smaller size; I've always wanted to have smaller breasts. 

    I'm grateful to Dr. Kreymerman for the excellent care he gave me at Mayo Clinic, but not so much in the new surgeon I met with.

Meningitis

Eric took this at just the right moment.

    I'm on vacation as of 10 minutes ago. Eric is so excited about going away for a few days, as am I. We arrived at our condo in Mexico around 4:00pm. The weather was refreshing with a slight breeze from the ocean. The resort was quiet, and most importantly we found a great parking spot, Eric is having his second hip replaced on Tuesday, and we will have a few days to enjoy being together. Lately I've been so busy trying to finish "Pebbles in my Pocket," learning to let go of the things you can't control." and the "Happiness Junkie, #KindnessMatters. We haven't had much time together and we wanted time away.

          He rarely complains, but since his last surgery, he has had terrible acid reflexes that sound like they hurt. He said it hurt his chest. We stayed in the condominium but had so much fun lying on the sofa watching movies and keeping up on the Local Government election. We ate popcorn, snacks, and sandwiches for dinner, and then we went out.

           We had intimate conversations about the trials we have had and how after 40+ years we have served one another, forgiven one another, and learned more about each other, as far as our wants and needs we began writing our goals for 2023. We talked about our children, each one of them. Eric and I did our best to raise four responsible adults. Now it is their time to live the life they want and what makes them happy.

        We are both looking toward retirement and have written our goals for the next five years. He is so excited to start building our home in Mexico and selling a few condos, and then He surprised me with the layout of the house in Mexico and wanted to know my advice. Together we changed a few things, like bedroom sizes, bathroom placement, etc.

        On Monday, I woke up unable to balance, I ran into walls, and my right eye looked infected and bright red. I had a migraine like I've never had and eventually started having some hallucinations, people looked short, fat, and pregnant, even the men. I took a migraine medicine to hopefully help the pain as we drove from Mexico to the Mayo Clinic. On the way home, I spoke with Dr. Lettieri since it looked like it was an eye infection. I asked if we should come to County Hospital or Mayo Clinic. He said Mayo since the Maricopa Hospital does not have an ophthalmologist in the ER. then asked Eric to text him with an update from Mayo Clinic.

        In the Emergency Room, I was taken for a CT scan, lots of drug testing, and ordered an MRI. By now, my hallucinations were constant with my eyes open or closed. I could not take any pain medication because they did not want to alter the results, and medicines can do that. I was given a spinal tap, and I thought about my youngest granddaughter Florence, she has spina bifida, and I wondered how many times in her life she would have to do this. It helped me to stay still so the doctor could do this spinal tap quickly.

        I didn't get to my room until around 3:00 a.m. I texted Dr. Lettieri knowing he would be up and getting ready for work. Dr. Lettieri was in surgery at Mayo when I updated him. He came from surgery to check on me. He knows my story from the beginning to now. He found out who my Neurosurgeon was on duty and gave him the background. He told my neuro team this had nothing to do with my eye. Eric and I love Dr. Lettieri, Eric is always saying how lucky we are to have him on speed dial as we have had to use him several times. The Neurosurgeon respects Dr. Lettieri and was glad he called him so they could eliminate the eye as the main reason for the migraine and hallucinations.

        That night they took me in for the MRI around 10:00 pm. I asked Eric to go home, it's a long ride for him, and I wanted him to get home safely. He didn't want to leave, but I knew his hip was hurting, and he needed rest.

        The MRI was less than a fun time, I had to wear a mask in a tube that was already claustrophobic. It really scared me, so I closed my eyes and suffered through it. When they pulled me out to administer the contrast and dye. I asked if I could take off the mask, and the technician said since I did not move a muscle during the first round, it was okay for me to keep the mask off and it made an enormous difference. The pounding on my migraine made me throw up several times back to my room, and for the next couple of days...still had no pain medicine.

        Dr. Hasan, who is on my neurologist team, came into my room with Kayla and Eric, she finally had a diagnosis, I had viral meningitis. The swelling between my brain and the lining of the brain was infected and swollen, and this was what the hallucinations were coming from. Kaitlyn once again debated with a neurosurgeon through our family text. I did not have my phone, but Eric was reading it to me. Since Florence has spina bifida, she said the spinal fluid would not explain the slurred speech and hallucinations. It really hurt when Eric read that to me, A nurse happened to be in the room and then told my neurology team what she heard. She also heard me ask Eric if he thinks they all think I'm crazy, and he answered, "Yes."

            Dr. Hasan came to my bedside after Eric and Kayla left for the night. She held my hand and said the nurse told her about the conversation. She said, "I don't care if your family thinks you're crazy; you tell them what is happening to you, and the things you see are as real as they can be." Dr. Hassan said it is normal, and they've seen it before with meningitis patients. I thanked her for telling me this was normal. They ran every street drug test they could and knew I was not on drugs or that no alcohol use had happened. When the surgeon came in, he said Dr. Lettieri told him what was happening had nothing to do with any of the surgeries he had done. I also asked him to read the family text thread and tell me how to answer my daughter without causing more problems. His answer was, "I didn't get my degree from Google." I realized he read it the way I did like she doubted me without me saying anything about the contention this daughter has had about me for years. I decided it was not worth addressing, so I let it go. I just want peace and love in our family. But I was glad to know she was checking on me, I really think she doesn't like me.

        I felt like I couldn't get anyone to believe what I was seeing on the walls, ceiling, and floors. I asked Eric "Do you think the doctors think I'm crazy?" and he said, "I'm pretty sure they do, but I've known you longer than anyone. This is not normal behavior for you and yes, I believe you."

        The neurologist explained to me that from the spinal tap, they did the first night, they knew it was meningitis. Then they grew cultures from the fluid of the spine. I was told after the MRI my brain looked 'beautiful', and the infection was not in my eye it was in the brain area. They told me Meningitis is either Bacterial or Viral, one not worse than the other, simply different procedures to treat. If someone comes into the ER with bacterial Meningitis, they send them home with antibiotics. When it is Viral, they must first find out the source of where it is coming from, which showed in between the brain lining and the brain, for it can take 10 days to clear up, but they've seen three months of recovery. They said I could not return to work when I was released. I spent most of my vacation in the hospital.

I took another 13 days for MLOA from American Airlines. I'm nervous about Eric's surgery tomorrow. Since his first hip surgery in August, he's had chest pains and horrible acid reflexes. 

He has cared for me as my caregiver for so long, and now I will have a chance to serve him when he comes home tomorrow.

XOXO Monya Bonbon