To Move or Not to Move

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, I went to see the model home again. I don't know how Terry could stand looking into your office without crying. Justin has your office now; I couldn't bring myself to go in there.

Last week, when I was praying, I wondered if you could hear my prayers where you are. I need to start considering moving; the maintenance on this house is so much work. Blake showed me a cute home in Gilbert near the Groves. I asked Heavenly Father what Eric would do when I knelt to pray that night. What would Eric want me to do? I kissed you good night, hugged you, said I love you, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a Text from Lori Blandford. She said Jeff offered me any specs he had at his price. Of course, my limited thinking said no right away; I told her all of the specs were too far from our children and grandchildren. Then Kayla and the boys came by to visit. She's been helping me so much to organize some of your things. We are good, Eric, Kayla, and I respect and love one another's perspectives. She is our sweet little firstborn, and she still is. We talked, and I told her Jeff's offer; she said, "Mom, move to The Reserve at Red Rock." Can you imagine me in the desert with rattlesnakes? She continued, "It's what dad has always wanted; you should consider it."

Last Saturday, I ran out to Red Rock and visited with Terry. He misses you a lot. He said he had to work three months in a row with no days off, and it about killed him. Jeff wanted to do all the paperwork when and if I liked any of the specs. I had to tell Terry, so he took me to the specs he thought I would like. Of course I love them, all model homes are perfect. But I was ok with the house Blake offered me. It was built in the 80s, but I could live there; you know how much I love that Groves area. And it is still close to the kids. But when I saw the price of the home, Terry showed me I was interested in the price difference. By far, Jeff gave me the best deal; even Terry was surprised. I told him I needed to talk to the kids and get their opinion on moving so far. I left them all a group text telling them I was going to Reserve at Red Rock, and they were welcome to come and help me make decisions.

Kaitlyn and Kayla met me first. Blake's family came a little later. They looked at the two specs I wanted to choose from, and they all gave the same opinion, but it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't believe they all agreed to let me buy out there. I have been so torn, not knowing what to do. I need your help.

I went to the models again today, and Jori and Dwight picked me up. Terry's probably getting tired of me already. We first looked at the spec the kids liked, then went to the spec I was proposing, lot #150. I could hear the girls talking, and they thought spec #72 was their choice. I was so grateful for their opinions and surprised they were okay with me leaving our home. I'm not ok with leaving our home quite yet, but Blake assured me they all think it would be good for me and that the home he showed me is a house from the 80s, and Jeff is offering me a brand new home for less than a home built in the '80s.

Dwight and Jori loved the view from the model you sat in. Then I asked about a new build on the lot next to the models, and that view brought me to tears. I could see you sitting out there, taking in the beautiful view of the Red Rock. I could feel you with me. I asked Terry about the new build, and he said it wouldn't be ready until March or April. That was a relief to me. I'm not ready to leave our home, the home we built together all those years ago. The children were so young. Haleigh was only eighteen months old. I don't know how often I asked Terry, "What would Eric want me to do?" He said, "Eric would want that lot you picked; the view is spectacular, and I know he would want you to be happy."

I spoke with Ronny to see if he thought I could afford it. He told me, "Buying cash for that house is a no-brainer." I'm just waiting on a price from Jeff. I hope I'm not taking advantage of his offer to want the new home instead of a spec.

I love you so much. My heart hurts all the time. I doubt I will ever get to a place in the last chapter of my life where I don't cry a tear thinking of everything we have done together. It's just not supposed to be like this. I told you I'd never get re-married, and I won't—not because I think you wouldn't want me to, but because I could never find a man like you in my lifetime. We really had a beautiful love story; no one will ever be able to fill your shoes, babe.

I love you. See you soon.

Monya

The Love of a Child

I have to tell my heart to beat again; I'm not sure I know how to do that without Frenchie. I love him so much. Getting used to being alone in this house is really hard. 

The evenings are the hardest. Eric and I used to kneel and pray every night together, and now he's gone, and I have to do this alone. This is the first time in my life that I have questioned my faith in God. It scares me. I cry all the time, I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm feeling very alone. I can't ask God to return him; it hurts so bad that I wish I knew what to do.

Today, Blake, Haleigh, Brian, and I met with an attorney, Brian Holm. He wanted to talk to me alone first. I don't understand anything being said. It sounds like a Charlie Brown scene with the teacher talking, but Charlie only hears a garbled noise. I know the other side of fear is believing in myself and trusting in what I've been taught. Out of everything I've been through, this is by far the hardest. I just need to go through, feel, hate, be confused and believe I will see him again. 

When I was done listening to what the attorney said, we entered a conference room, and my children came inside. We all took our seats, and I began to ask questions. He answered every question. Then, my children asked questions, but my children already knew a lot of what he was trying to teach me. Wills, living wills, estate planning ...? I'm not supposed to know this stuff. I was going to die before Eric, and I don't care about his money, and what I own now is not anything I'm thinking about. My children are the only absolutes that I know; they are amazing. They are graceful; I could not have gotten through this meeting without them.

I told the attorney I was there to set up my will and trust for my children; this was the only way I could see honoring their dad, and I didn't want any confusion or hurt feelings with my children. I broke down and cried a little; it was so comforting to have Haleigh and Blake on both sides of me. They put their hands on my shoulders, and it felt so good. I have the best children on earth, of course, I've always been proud of them, but this is so hard on them, and they are trying to comfort me? I feel like, as their mother, I should cry alone so they don't see my weakness. The tears release my pain; if I have to dry my eyes and wipe my cheeks every day of the year, I will. This is not going away. 

After we finished with the attorney, Brian took me home. Easter is on Sunday, and I am not prepared, so I went to Target and got a few little things for my grandchildren. I also stopped by Kaitlyn's to give Flo her birthday present—a cute stuffed bunny. Archer and Phoenix opened the door; they were so sweet. I've missed them, and I'll take any little bit of love I can get from all of them right now. Florence came running to me ... "Bonbon is here," and she hugged me as I handed her the bunny. Phoenix approached her and said, "Florence, now you have more to add to your bunny collection." How sweet of him. Florence was a tender mercy I needed today. Holding her in my arms is a gift I will always treasure. She loved her Papa and said he was her best friend. It's always amazing to me how the spirit of children is so pure and authentic.