I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

Grief

Dear Frenchie

My grief has not made me stronger, but it made me aware of all we had together. I have no choice but to learn how to function in the face of pure fear, bone-deep rage, and gut-wrenching sadness. You were my person, and now you're gone; I have no hugs, no kisses, and no "I love you" every day. I continue to pray every night for you and for our family to survive this incredible loss. I told you before, and I will continue to say, "I will NEVER get remarried." Not because I don't believe in intimacy or love, but because I could search the world repeatedly and NEVER find someone like you. You are and will always be THE BEST man for me. No one can compare.

Grief is a sadness that can only be known deep inside the devastated soul of the griever. It's this kind of despair that changes your entire life forever. I never knew how much I loved you until my heart was broken on that beach in Maui. I always thought we would have time to say, do, travel, laugh, and love more deeply. 

My entire universe was changed overnight. It's altered everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. And every day, I uncover more about what that even means. 

Sometimes, I feel you hold me at night like you used to. I have such a hard time sleeping, and I appreciate it when you quietly embrace me until I fall asleep. Thank you.

I realize that my feelings of grief change from day to day or even moment to moment. I will never forget you and what we shared together. Reflecting on our life together, we had much more romantic, fun vacations and everyday connections than most. 

Remember when it seemed like every one of our friends was getting divorced? That was a crazy time. But I loved that you and I always discussed those things and why people grow apart. We know why each of them broke up, and pride is a big part. Neither one could say sorry and really mean it. That was never worth an eternal marriage to you, and you fought for me to forgive you and move forward because, in the end, we made commitments to each other and promised our family would be eternal. I am so grateful for you and the man who made me a better wife and friend. 

I forgive you for putting me in positions where I felt forced to do things I didn't want to. I heard your apology, and I know how hard it was for you to say it with tears rolling down your cheeks in front of Jori and Dwight. But I promise I didn't tell them anything; your sincere apology put us all in tears. Your honesty and vulnerability were something I had never felt before, and it was an unforgettable moment. I will always hold that moment close to my heart. Only you and I know what that apology was for or what it meant to me. Thank you.

See you soon; I love you.

Monya

You're the MOM

     Eric brought me home from the hospital on the evening of Nov 19th. On Tuesday, the 29th of November, I drove him to the surgery center, just a mile from my house. I wasn't allowed to go back with him until he went into surgery like he always did with me. Before he returned, we hugged and said, "I love you; see you soon." 

    I went home, waiting for the surgery center to call and say all was fine, and I never heard from them. Eric called me and said the center decided to keep him one more night. They had been giving him fluids, but he could not go to the bathroom. I asked about his chest pain and if he still had acid reflux. He said yes, but they were giving him Prilosec. We talked until he fell asleep, and I said, "I love you too; see you soon."

    When he got home, his face was white; he said he was lightheaded, but he could not sit or lie down. We walked during the night, and I could see he was in pain. I ordered smoothies for both of us in the morning, and he said it made him feel better. I told him I had to get my blood taken and I'd be back in an hour. I asked him if he thought he would be okay if I left him for the tests. He told me to go and that he would be ok. I handed him his phone; his walker was next to his recliner, but he hadn't slept all night, so I asked him if he wanted half of something to help him sleep for a while. Looking back on this, I am not one to live with regrets, but this was the biggest regret of my life, I wish I'd never left him.

    I wasn't home in an hour; the doctor's receptionist told me I was late and that my appointment was at Thunderbird Mayo Clinic. This was not a close drive, I worried about leaving Eric, but went against my judgment and left for the appointment. My daughter Kayla went to check on Eric. Then she called me back to tell me she had called 911. I was already on my way home but could not drive fast enough, my heart was racing, and I was scared.

    I made it home with firetrucks, an ambulance, and one officer, and my heart was beating as they rushed him to the emergency room: Kayla drove me there. When they got oxygen on him, he said he felt much better. We were there for several hours, and his blood pressure was going too low, then too high. He was able to speak to us and was coherent. I called Clarence Schaub and Kyhl Powell and asked if they could bless Eric. He loves them, so he was happy when they arrived. Soon after that, Kayla came back, and the ER personnel said it would be better if I left and got some sleep because it would be a while for his room to be ready. Eric begged me to go home with someone else; I told him Kayla had brought me and would take me home but that I really didn't want to leave him like this, I didn't want this to be the last time I could talk to him. Eric assured me he was well cared for, I teared up saying, "I don't want this to be our last conversation." Eric told me to stop talking like that, he would be fine.

    At 2:36 am, I received a call saying they had intubated him, and he was in an induced medical coma, and now he was in the Heart Hospital next door, but there are strict visiting hours in the ICU. I could not go until 9:00 am and waiting for that long was challenging. The last thing I said before I came home from the ER was, I begged Eric to let me stay; he said, "No, you are still recovering, I love you, but I'm in good hands and feel better. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, "I love you."

        When I first looked at Eric, I cried. He looked so vulnerable, and I KNOW he was scared when he couldn't breathe. Someone from my family is always with him. 

    The cardiologist, Dr. Greene came into the waiting area and was trying to talk to me, but Kaitlyn kept asking questions and standing in front of me while trying to give me information about Eric. He finally asked who she was, she said she was his daughter and he told her he needed to talk to me as his wife and Power of Attorney. Dr. Greene told us that Eric's arteries were completely blocked and calcified. It was possible that Eric had been having many little heart attacks over the years, and obviously didn't know about it. The doctor tried to cut through it with three different scalpels but could not budge it. He told us we were keeping him on life support to see if he could wake on his own, but if he came out of the coma and could breathe on his own, he had a long road ahead of him. I tried so hard to keep my emotions to myself but felt like I was not being respected by my children, Kaitlyn was rolling her eyes at every question I had for the doctor. She has had a problem with me for a few years, and I lost control of my emotions. I asked why she rolled her eyes at me, and her answer was "I roll my eyes at everyone." I continued in a harsh manner to ask her why she didn't like me, and why she was so mean to me. It started a horrible loud argument. The doctor could not tell us my husband who I have been with for over 40 years would make it through the night. It scared me so badly; Eric and I have always trusted each other but we have never discussed his investments. I knew about insurance and investments he and I had invested together, but I knew there were investments he made, and I did not want to lose anything Eric had worked on and loved so much, Eric is all about buying low and selling high.  My oldest daughter Kayla, said, "I can't believe you are worried about money when your husband could be dying. All you care about is Dad's money." ' I told her I know exactly how much money I will get from insurance Dad has always been good about keeping that up to date. From early in our marriage until now. I was talking about his investments and not knowing how to take care of any of that. How could she say something like that, my husband may be her Dad but she has no idea what goes through a woman's head when she thinks her husband is going to die. 

      It is now December, and I am hopeful Eric will make it through this and that even if we have to celebrate in the hospital I would, because this is his favorite time of year. When I'd get home at night there were always boxes from Amazon to bring in. I was trying to be aware of those to make sure each one of our grandchildren got a bean bag for themselves Dad and I thought that would be an easy gift and that the children would love it. When I opened them, I realized two were going to be too little for Recker and Ezra and I needed to return these and get bigger chairs for them. I had one day to do that so it would get to my house by Christmas. Then the next day I thought it would be a better day with Eric and with my children, but I was wrong. 

      I whispered to Eric how much I needed him and that I knew he was with his mom and dad, but not to get too comfortable up there because his family needed him, and that he and I still have a lot of life together. I played some songs from my phone quietly next to his ear. "I don't think I can do life without you, please come back to me."     

     In the waiting room was another story, I tried to be less combative but when Kaitlyn pulled her shirt over and said to me, "Look Mom, I don't have any garments on." She was trying to get a rise out of me. I said to her, "And...?" Why would I care if she had garments on? I knew she was trying to start something, so I said to her, "Why do you hate me so much?" Wrong question, I heard everything I have ever done wrong to her. Then I told her how she had hurt me too. This started an argument, Kayla told me, "But you're the mom." I wish I had a nickel every time I've heard that from her. Now I've heard it from all my girls. 

     Does that mean, my children are allowed to hurt my feelings, and be disrespectful and unkind just because I am their mother?  Kayla told me she is Autistic, and that one threw me for a loop as her mother I wondered why I didn't know about this when she was younger. I wanted to know what her doctor told her, and she blew up at me, she said, "So you think I'm lying? I don't have to show you my medical records." Because there is a lack of communication within our family I had no idea why she would be so angry, she was a mother of three boys, one with severe nonverbal Autism and one on the spectrum but he is high functioning. After that argument, I didn't hear from her for a year. When we finally did talk to me she tried to tell me how I was supposed to talk to her now. Okay, I agree with boundaries, but this was more than that, I was supposed to learn a whole new way of speaking to her after 34 years? Overnight, I was expected to speak to her as she requested. Dad and I talked about it and she had never said a word to him, he could speak to her like we always have. Why is he not held to a higher level? Because I'm the mom? She also said to me, "I was abused by someone, and it was in your home?" Very accusatory, I asked where? She said in our house in the Islands, when I asked who it was, she said "It is none of your business." Wow, I wonder if someday, God forbid, she finds out Recker was abused by a respite worker. When I watched him while she worked and she accused me of sexually abusing Recker, seriously? What is wrong with her? I would never touch one of my grandchildren or any child in that way EVER. It was then that I was no longer allowed to watch any of her children. That hurt me so badly, and Dad was angry too of all people in the world why in the hell would she think I would do such an evil thing to my grandchild? After that event, I wouldn't want to be alone with her children for fear she would turn me into CPS for something she 'thought' was real. 

     Back in the hospital waiting room, I decided after Blake started yelling at me that it was time for me to calm down and stay away from Kaitlyn, well actually all my children. Blake and my relationship has always been different than what I had with the girls of course they think he's always been my favorite. I said nothing to him. I know him, he can be as mad at me as he can and it's over, he tells me when I'm out of line, forgiveness is given on both our parts and it's over. My mom said that was exactly how I was growing up. These millennials have a new way of communicating and if it doesn't go their way, even if you are their mom, they are done with you. Kicked me out of their life like a piece of trash. 

     I spent some more time with Eric and then went home. I was crushed again just because I'm the mom. Why couldn't they say, "Mom that really hurt when you said ......" Then we could work on that? Why wait years and years to bring up things I don't even remember as a mother. I don't care what they think I was a good mother, and I am an excellent grandmother. I showed up at the hospital in the morning and all my kids were there, Kayla and Kaitlyn came back from visiting their dad and they said the nurses were doing something so no one could go back for an hour and a half. I watched as they ignored me but were perfectly had to order the right beanbags today. Kayla once again, thinking of herself, turned to me and said, "I can't believe your husband is dying and you are asking about Christmas. I can't talk to you. And I've told you how to speak to me." HUH? I just didn't want her children to be the only ones without a beanbag big enough for them. I guess because I'm the mom, It's not okay to ask questions about Christmas gifts that would have surely hurt their feelings if they got nothing, but it's okay when your dad is dying to be laughing at TIK TOK.

        I stood up to go see Eric and my girls blocked me saying, "Dad doesn't want you here, he said you are trying to kill him." I knew there was no way he said that, we may not be the perfect examples of parents, but Eric and I are in love and have been together for over 40 years. WTF was going on, I just knew Kayla and Kaitlyn had something to do with this, they would hurt me that much to get back at me ... just because I'm the mom. I was so embarrassed I ran to the EXIT to leave, and Haleigh followed me, she said, "Mom do you trust me?" My mind was all over the place. I had no idea what I said to her, but I do trust her. Haleigh is quieter in nature than any of the other children. Haleigh has been through the most with me. She helped take care of me when I was so sick during chemo and radiation, I will always be grateful to her, I ruined her senior year of HS.   

     The next day I came back, and the ICU guard told me I was not allowed in the hospital, that patients were at risk with me there, and especially my husband who thought I wanted to kill him. I said, "I am his POA, I would never hurt him EVER. Who put my name on this list?" She looked at me and said, "Kaitlyn, she is now his POA."   

     I was escorted out by security and asked not to come back. I was crying hysterically, and when I was walking to my car I looked up and saw my children watching me walk to my car.

     So now, I went home and waited for word about my husband but still would not be allowed in the hospital let alone ICU. I was hurt worse than I ever have been and what's worse I knew they didn't care. Blake came by the house that night ringing the doorbell banding on doors wanting to talk to me, but I couldn't, I was in shock still just staring around not knowing what to do next. I'm sorry Blake, I was in a whirlwind of emotions and did not know what to believe. 

      When Eric woke up, Blake called me, told me, and said he would be leaving for a rehab facility in a few days. I asked him if Dad had asked about me, and he said, "No, but you called me while I was in Eric's room and excused himself. When I came back in the room all he had to say was 'Was that mom?' I told him yes, and all he said was "Is she mad?" 

     He was awake and didn't want to know about me? It just didn't seem right, but my kids were in charge and taking over my marriage right before my eyes. I had no idea why he said what he said, I thought he was under life support. Now he's awake and it was obvious that I was not included in any choices about his care. After a couple of months, Haleigh called and wanted to know if Scott and Brian could come over and get his bed for where he was moving. I told her no if he wanted anything from the house, he needed to call me himself.

     And he did within five minutes. I told him unless he talked to me my divorce attorney had said nothing was to be removed from the house, which was no problem because that night someone tried to break in. The next day I went to Home Depot and took a quick course from one of the workers on what the best lock was and how to install them. 

    I told him I spoke with his financial planner that Eric always had me in mind when he made any investments and that it was better under these circumstances for me to take care of as much as I could now. I cried myself to sleep every night, and not once slept in the bed he and I shared.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

    When I sat at home alone, I thought about how we didn't have a will written since my first daughter was born; I wasn't worried about money. He and I have discussed the insurance each of us would get if the other passed. But one thing we have never really talked about was his investments. I knew he had many, all with my name on them. Eric loves selling; his passion is getting a deal on the property, then turning around and making twice as much. I tried to explain to my kids I know the insurance policy on myself, my kids, and grandchildren-they will be taken care of. But they seemed angry at me for talking about dad's money; I told them this isn't about money. I have yet to learn about his investments. I've just always trusted him as a businessman. He never had to ask me about investments because I knew he wouldn't buy anything unless he knew we'd make money on it.

XOXO Monya BonBon

Hopes and dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2015

Hopes and Dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This time 6 years ago I waited anxiously for a negative diagnosis of cancer.  Not receiving the news I was expecting, looking back on this journey I've been on I realize I am being prepared. For what? That I can't answer, I'm not sure I want to know.  I would be lying if I said I have not had days when I want to crawl up in my bed, close my eyes, and not wake up.  I have felt unmeasurable pain, physical, mental, and spiritual.  I think we all want to believe we are "strong" If I had a dime for every time someone has told me how "strong" I am in the past 6 years, I'd be a rich woman. I'm grateful to those people.  So many times I have prayed for a miracle and felt abandoned. Now that I've cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool I trust in Him.  So many of us have a hard time recognizing the blessings that come in disguise of a trial.

The funny thing about that is, I am a rich woman. Not in a monetary way, but I am richer in the strength of who I am. I've been forced to live my life with loneliness, hardships, and pain. What if I had not experienced these things?  Where would I be now? Who would I be?  He has bigger and better plans for me. I am in the midst of fulfilling commitments and I know He will keep His promises to me. I will serve others, and be happy with whatever circumstances come my way.

I have had to learn to challenge my thinking and to lean on a positive environment of people.  I'm trying to learn how to balance my life.  Work, family, Nerium, Mayo Clinic, friends, personal development, and daily intentional goals have helped me to keep focused on what is most important.  I've had to be brave in circumstances where others don't understand or actually don't have the capacity to understand what this past year has done for me. Just when I thought I could never look myself in the mirror again, I became brave I let it define and refine me.  I learned that my face is not who I am.  I can't say I have fully embraced the idea of a partially paralyzed face.

A year ago I read a book that changed my life and added value to who I am, I will forever be grateful for having the knowledge before I read it, that I am a beloved woman of God. If not for having that testimony I probably would not have been able to make effective choices,. I've learned your thoughts either serve your growth or serve your decline. It's been proven we make an average of 90,000 thoughts every day. I've always been a journal writer, and a reader and I love good uplifting Christian music so when I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, I was like a sponge. I can attest to the power of words but as a child words were usually to my detriment. The Slight Edge convinced and reconfirmed to me I have been led and whispered to by the spirit all these years, I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.

Humility is a word I probably would have never used to describe myself 6 years ago. I'm progressing by studying everything I can get my hands on. While studying I often think of all the people who have touched my life. Who I think are a true example of humility. Not one of these people knows they are humble, isn't that interesting? It is who they are, an attribute they have mastered without knowing they have. Some of these people have had devastating events happen in their lives and learned to control their thoughts and actions to mirror match a Christlike attitude. Others seem to not have had any apparent significant trials in their lives. They surround themselves or have been surrounded by proactive people who have built them up, and showed them compassion and unconditional love. The attribute of Humility is such a blessing, and not easy to accomplish.

During my reading of the Slight Edge and studying scriptures, I am finally able to say I believe in the power of the brain and how our thoughts, positive or negative can affect everything. I made the choice to look at myself in the mirror every day and say "You will smile someday" It's been over a year, and I've had 3 doctors tell me I will never smile again, I will never have facial movement on the right side of my face. I'm glad to report not all doctors are in charge of the outcome of a positive mental attitude. Dr. Lettieri told me I would smile again. He has encouraged me to continue to work that muscle.  Every morning for a year I tell myself over and over again "I will smile again" and then I tell my brain to tell my mouth to move. Dr. Lettieri has never given up on me, he has never said "You Can't or you Won't" It sometimes requires a surgical procedure but I am slowly but surely starting to tell my brain to simultaneously smile when I tell it to. It's working, I am reaping the rewards of my daily affirmations. It's a slight smile, but what's more important is realizing, just like reading from a good book every day, kneeling to pray every day, having faith all things I've done all my life are things I have mastered by doing them receptively. Those things are a part of who I am, If I stopped doing those things it would be like not brushing my teeth every day, eventually they would rot. It really has been such a slight change, but adding it to my daily routine has strengthened not only my brain and facial muscle but also led me to believe an arrow could be shot at me and I could repel it.

I am endeared to Dr. Lettieri, and to Heather Lucas. She has seen me through so much.  I miss Dr. Kreymerman and wish he was here to see my progress. Dr. Lettieri has now been renamed as my "smile doctor."

He said I would, I said I could and I am making progress. I am beginning to dream again, to have hope for my future. Prayer is the greatest miracle in my life when burdens have weighed me down, prayer from so many people has helped me to believe in myself again.  Putting my faith in Him I believe I have even greater miracles to come. He could take away all of this but His plan is perfect in every way. These trials are refining me into the woman I've always dreamed of being.

Love One Another

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 28, 2014

Love One Another

I've been in Ohio for 5 weeks, and next Thursday, I will be going under the knife again. I realized how much I needed the Lord to bless and watch over me. I go to Him in silent prayer most days now, I don't have a lot of privacy, and I think it's been good for me to be here with Diana. She's been a significant source for me; as my nurse, she needed to come to give me infusions every 12 hours. We were under the impression I would have to get lab work done and see another doctor for clearance. We did all that last week, and I should have just come home to see Eric and the kids. For some reason, I was not thinking straight; Diana suggested we stay with her family, who lives one hour and one-half away. This would save us some money and get me out of the hospital environment. It indeed was a great distraction. Her sister and brother-in-law are empty nesters; it was a beautiful quiet home where I could rest, read, and have some quiet time. Although it was initially awkward, I soon found out Angela and John are down-to-earth people and a very Christian Catholic family. This relieved me, knowing I would be able to read my scriptures every morning, especially in preparation for my surgery on Thursday.

Diana and her sister Angela come from an Italian family; they love deeply and laugh loudly. I will miss that the most when we part from each other once I am home, but I hope we can stay connected through texting and calls. These people didn't know me, they didn't have to take me in for a week, and they had choices, but they chose to show Christ-like Attributes by opening their home to me. I'm sad I didn't get a picture of John before I left. He and Angela were going to see their son, daughter-in-law, and new twin grandchildren in Columbus; John did not get home before we left. They are wonderful people; I felt at home and did not have one panic attack.

My new friend Angela--Thank you, XOXO.

Today we drove back to Cleveland to be closer to the Cleveland Clinic, we are within walking distance, and it is a lot less money and a better hotel. Tomorrow, I plan to go to a Cleveland ward; there is one within one mile of here. Then we may drive to see Kirkland Temple. I can't risk catching the flu or getting a cold, so wearing a mask is mandatory when going to church or crowded areas. I have had a great week--mentally, trying to get prepared for surgery is always a quiet time of processing for me...I've decided that no matter what this surgery's outcome, I choose to be happy; I will not let this define who I am. I have a great family who loves me, and been blessed with amazing friends who will not be embarrassed to be with me--I've tried to keep it light and not get too carried away with the facial paralysis because the doctors are going to do the best they can, I have faith in them, and they are very confident I will have great results.

  I never thought I would feel this way, but I'm looking forward to getting this over with and going home to my family. I miss them more than I ever thought I could. My grandchildren are growing through Face time. Ezra looks so big and tall, and Recker, too; he came up to the phone and kissed me today...I cried...then Ezra wanted to kiss me too...I cried more. Kayla was so sweet to follow them around the house with the phone so I could see what they were doing. Ezra is getting so bright; his daddy has been teaching him all sorts of things. He knows where his toes are, his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. He also growls loudly when you ask him, "what does the Lion say?" He blows kisses and knows how to throw away his diaper all on his own. I sang Recker a song; it's one I've sung to him since he was a newborn; he was intrigued and stood motionless as I sang it.
 I have so much to thank the Lord for; my life will go on, and my circumstances may not change, but I am determined to learn something from this. I will do all the doctor asks me to do and hope and pray the surgery goes well, the doctor's hands will be still, and we will have a great outcome. Tonight, my thoughts and prayers as I lie down to sleep help me get a good night's rest, and I ask the spirit to be with me all week as I prepare for surgery. I have been trying to practice what I preach and put to practice some Christlike Attributes by doing something kind every day for someone else, even if it's hold a door open, or give a half smile to a person walking by (usually that scares people so I try not to use that one) yesterday I did something very simple, I bought lunch for the lady behind me at Chipotle. She was so happy, surprised, and elated. She decided to pay it forward too. The world would be better if we all could give a little more; it doesn't need to be a financial service.

Love came in a box

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 2014

Love came in a box

Update on the last couple of days.  It has become tough to be so far away from my family; I miss them and love them so much. I have tried FaceTime with them, and most of the time, it works, but on those days, it doesn't work my heart is a little heavy. I miss my Recker Love and Ezra's smiles and giggles. I'm so afraid they will not remember me when I get home.  With the changes in my face, they were already beginning to doubt my relation to them before I left.  Eric, Blake, and Chloe have been in the Dominican Republic for 10 days--I intended to go with them; this trip had been planned for quite some time; when my sudden surgeries took precedence, Eric immediately wanted to cancel the trip, and I begged him not to. I thought it would be a great bonding time for Blake and him. I was correct; they had a wonderful time and are all on a flight back to Arizona. While they were in the Dominican Republic, they had the opportunity to work with Dr. Kelly, a surgeon Chloe works with, his family is also dear to our family, and we adore them. Dr. Kelly is a surgeon and has been going to the Dominican Republic for 3 years to serve and give dental surgery to those in need, those who otherwise would not have the money to pay. I will never regret having them go, it has been brutal here in Cleveland without family, but I feel blessed to have modern technology where we can see and talk to each other through satellite. I felt the spirit telling me to have Eric go; it was so strong that I told him if he stayed home, I would not come to Cleveland Clinic or have any surgery....it meant that much to me for him to go. He has not missed out on one thing here, I have had to entirely rely on the Lord to help me make some significant decisions; it has been an excellent opportunity for me to get closer to my Savior than I ever thought I could, I have one spiritual experience upon another, and I know this is where I should be.  I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery will be, but in my heart, I know I should be here.

Kaitlyn always sends me pics of the boys
love love love

Haleigh with Ezra and Recker, thank you
for brightening my day

I got a knock at my hotel door this morning; it was a postman (weird on Sunday) who delivered a package from the people in my home ward.  When I opened it, a gust of love took my breath away. It was filled with cards, notes, gifts, and love from all the people I admire and love so much who live in our ward.  I was overwhelmed with the spirit as I read each one of the cards and notes repeatedly. I had no idea I was so loved.  I will never be able to thank each one of them, but I have FAITH & HOPE in knowing they know.

Thank you, thank you

Marian Priday--The source of putting together my box of love

 Eric and I moved into this ward when I was 30. Haleigh was in the nursery; all my children were baptized while in this ward. I was dealing with family matters that eventually ended sadly with my mom and dad cutting ties with me. Wally Slade was our Bishop, and since then, I relied so much on the women and men of this ward for an example. It was one of the most challenging times of my life, and I am so grateful to have moved where we did; I had to learn how to parent these little children of mine with lessons from Relief Society, I soon found the Lord leading my eyes and heart to watch and learn from the people around me. Most of those people are still in the ward, but our children grew older as new people moved in and out. Teaching teens to hold to the rod was harder than I thought, and again I listened with my heart and watched with my eyes, there are too many people to thank, and most do not even know the example they have been.

This morning I went to the Shaker Ward it was about 10 minutes from my hotel...everything was pushing against me to get there on time--I needed to check out of the hotel, and barely made it to Sacrament. I felt at home as I walked in, sat down, and was able to, with a very still soul, partake of the sacrament. There are two things I would change, the bread for the sacrament (thank you, Junel Durfee) and the music I kept thinking to myself, "we have such a powerful man behind every note played in our little 6th ward, and his name is 'Stephen Phelps' tears bubbled up and rolled down one cheek I miss my home ward.

I was glad I had on my mask and eye patch, two reasons 

• 1. No one could see my eye, and tears only fell from one eye.  
• 2. With the mask on, they could not see my crooked smile, a little girl walked by, and I smiled at her with my eyes, and she smiled back. I will never forget this little girl. She sang 'I'm trying to be like Jesus' with an angelic voice; I closed my eye and listened. It was beautiful. 
• Then the counselor conducting the meeting announced how the meeting would go from that point. It was something I had never seen before--and I loved it. He said they were going to have a Hymnology. It was a normal thing that they do a couple times a year, and today was the day; how blessed I felt to be there.

It is something like a testimony meeting. Only whoever feels the spirit goes to the podium and tells of their favorite Hymn and why the congregation sings the song. The list of Hymns was some of my favorites too. 

1.  Count your many blessings 

2. Praise to the Man 

3. Love at Home 

4. Where Can I turn for peace 

5. Master the Tempest is Raging  

6. I know my father lives 

7. Because I have been given much 

8. The Iron Rod  

9. I believe in Christ and 

10. Sisters in Zion. 

This ward is filled with multi-cultures, and it was refreshing to see and hear from members of all races.

Sister Franklin

Bore such a strong testimony today

Sister Franklin and her Nephews

 A little boy with Down Syndrome walked up to me and hugged me, then said, "Hi" he reminded me of CJ Udall-- tears filled my eyes, but then what he did next was even more touching, without knowing I had a BAHA implant in my head, he turned around then back and looked at me,  took my hand and placed it on his BAHA, he too has SSD (single-sided deafness) I have yet to meet anyone who has a BAHA. I have no idea his name, but I will never forget his piercing eyes as he stared into mine. At that moment, I could feel the Savior's love all around me.

When the meeting was over, I was filled once again with the strength to get through this week as I prepared for the next surgery.  Today has been a day for giving me inspiration to continue on, knowing whatever the Lord has planned for my future is His will. Although I may not understand why things happen the way they do, I can rely on Him to get me through ALL of my journeys here on earth until I return to Him again.

 

Be a Light to those who walk in the Dark.

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 2014

Be a light to those who walk in the dark

Today is Sunday; I wanted to go to the Kirkland Temple or a nearby church. I wanted to take the Sacrament, but today neither one happened. I am watching the conference from my laptop tonight and listening to the Slade Family music and the Sound of Music soundtrack.   My eye is getting worse daily, and I fear losing it altogether. I've been keeping it hydrated and covered with a patch, but when I take it off for some relief--all I see is cloudy...don't be surprised if the spelling on this post is wrong.

This is a little city--white coats everywhere.

I've been praying for a surgery date--tomorrow, I hope something will be accomplished; I'm ready. I want to get home and be with my family--Sundays are the nights we all get together to have dinner and family home evening; oh, how I miss them. Since we've been empty nesters, it's been tough for me; I love my family around--if I had my way, I would have them all move back in with us. I haven't seen my grandchildren in 2 weeks--I haven't seen my children in 2 weeks--Eric and I Skype, so I get to see him, Blake, and Chloe every day... I WANT YOU ALL TO UNDERSTAND THIS:  Eric and I had been planning a trip to Blake's mission in the Dominican Republic; when I was in the hospital, Eric wanted to cancel; when we decided for me to come to Cleveland, I told him he has to go on the trip with Blake no matter what, just cancel my flights. Of course, he was not going to do that. Eric wanted to be with me, but I had a powerful feeling he needed to go and spend some time with his son; Blake will always have those memories to look back on when we are gone. Still, he insisted on being here. I told him if he came here, I would cancel the surgery and go home, which made him think. He knows when I'm serious, so he and Blake left a couple days ago; I've been talking to them every day, thanks to modern technology. Chloe will be working with Dr. Kelly in the Dominican Republic, so this is good dad/son bonding time. I told Blake this morning to have a great time and not worry about me; all Eric and he would be doing is sitting around (just like me) waiting for the scheduler to call. Besides, the time I've had alone has allowed me to reflect, process, and get back on track with the spirit. I have had some life-changing spiritual experiences while fasting and praying for answers.

The two primary sources of most importance are my eye and to see if the bone is infected. I'm not sure about the look, but I feel strongly that my bone is good, with no infection. I do not leave the hotel without a patch on my eye; the wind blows a lot here, and it is excruciating on my eye. It gets really red. I have no peripheral vision out of the right eye. Not a good combination, deaf in the right ear, and can't see out of the right eye--boy, I'm a mess--
  
I thought today, the body is so perfectly created by our Heavenly Father. When something is not working correctly, we take note of it. I never realized how important it is
to be able to blink your eye--or how much people stare when they see someone who is not looking like the typical person should look.  
A little boy was with his dad and said, "Daddy, what's wrong with that lady's eye?" The dad quickly scooped him up, trying to distract the little boy with a flavor of ice cream; he asked his dad again. I looked at the little boy and said, "I have a boo-boo, and I'm just trying to cover it so it won't get worse."
I could see it bothered the boy's father to have me explain it. The little boy said a few minutes later to his dad, "what is wrong with her eye, dad?" No answer. I was trying my hardest not to laugh; I love little children and their ability to say it like they see it, but the father acting like I was an alien was a little bothersome. I waved goodbye to the little boy, and off I went. Seeing out of only one eye when I have the patch on is strange; every step I take is difficult because my brain tells me the curb is closer than it is; I look about as gracious as a bull in a china shop. I have run into walls, stepped on my own feet, dropped or grabbed for things that look closer or further than they really are.

The body is a fantastic creation; when it is not working as intended, all of what you learned must be retrained. My mouth does not work like it used to either (I know most people are happy about that one.) I can only eat tiny bites of things, they need to be cut up, and I can only eat on the left side. Sometimes, it is such a chore. My speech is OK, but hard sometimes to say my "P's and B's"  I have to hold my cheek out while I talk so people can understand. While I Skyped with Eric and Blake this morning, he couldn't understand what I was saying, so I held my cheek out. We laughed about that one. One thing I've learned in the past 5 years is that I am not in charge; Heavenly Father is testing my knowledge of HOPE,  in my ability to listen to the spirit and step forward with FAITH.

I'm still staring at the mirror  15 minutes a day and telling my eyebrow to move, my mouth to smile, and my eye to blink.....guess what? It's working today. I caught my eyelid flashing a couple of times while concentrating on it. When Eric and I first got married, he used to make me stand in front of the mirror and tell myself. "you are beautiful, you will succeed, and you are going to have a great day"  I felt weird doing that, but it worked--I've never met a more positive-thinking person than him.
My face will work again; I know it will--just need to practice a Christlike attribute--patience.

I always despise the beginning of anything, but I'm starting to embrace these changes. I've been told I will never look the same again, well, maybe physically, I won't, but all these changes keep me alive and open to new challenges. So now it's time for one more change: I will survive, and I will go forward no matter what the doctors can or cannot do. I live in a world full of people who feel forgotten; they are not alone; I want to find a way to help them find their happy places, despite whatever trials they face. I have given my heart and soul to HIM and the doctors; I want to be a person who gives more than she takes--listens with my heart--smiles with my eyes--and give back every day I breathe to help someone in need. I did a smile project while I was going through my chemo treatments--

http://monyabonbon.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-smile-experiment.html

I have a new project; I'm in the process now and will tell you about it when I get my results. My focus now is embracing the new Monya--still the same heart and personality; I'm trying to get refined around the edges. I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father knows the strength I have in me; I know when I kneel down for help, he WILL answer back. However, I also know from experience it is not always the answer I want. I've tried all my life to be a humble servant. I've felt healing power in my life and in the lives of others. I have a grateful heart; right now, I feel calm and quiet, and the stillness of what I'm feeling draws me near to HIM. It makes me want to be a better daughter of God by serving others and giving back what I'm learning. Even though I'm far away from home, I know there is someone I can always turn to, and He is just one prayer away. I realize this road ahead of me is long and hard but not devastating--I am concentrating on Happiness in my life--giving and sharing what I know can help others. I am still in this school of learning that we all call LIFE. When I look back at where I've been, I never saw these challenges in my future. I imagined it much worse--I have truly been blessed with a beautiful life, an eternal companion I call Frenchie, 4 exceptional children, and 2 of the best grandchildren who can light up my life with just a smile, I have FAITH in my future, I want to look back on all of this and see that I did what was right when no one was around watching--keeping my eyes on Eternity,  I want to be a light to those who are in the dark, I want to bring them into the light and see what I see--I am the only one who can decide how I live, and I choose to LIVE HAPPY.

Another Day at Cleveland Clinic

 

MONDAY, JUNE 9, 2014

Another Day at the Cleveland Clinic

This morning, I called the doctor's office. As soon as they opened, I was greeted, already aware of my situation. She said Dr. Bernard is working on getting this on the surgery schedule; bringing three doctors in on the surgery is more complicated than it sounds. I received a call to see another doctor on Thursday. In the earliest time frame, I will have surgery on Tuesday--one more week here. This hotel is not cheap; it is most convenient if the hospital or doctors' offices call. It takes me 5 minutes to get there without going outside. Walking through the hotel and hospital, I see doctors in white coats--they are everywhere.

It is a bright sunny day today, and I want to get out for some fresh air. I do not have a car; I just stayed at the hotel waiting for a doctor to call and say, "surgery time" Today, I was a little disappointed wanting to get this over with; my anxiety level is on high alert.

I spoke with Kathleen from Dr. Barr's office to update her on what is happening here--she was so sweet and reassured me that she and Dr. Barrs only want the best care for me; I let her know I have been praying, friends and family are praying, and I feel good right now about being at the Cleveland Clinic.   She wished me luck and told me to let them know what is happening. That phone call was hard for me. I never want to offend or hurt anyone else's feelings, and I feel that getting a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th opinion like I have has got to at least make Dr. Barr feels terrible, which makes me sad. However, the most important outcome for me is the doctor who can give me the best results for a long-lasting look; every doctor I have spoken to has told me the process Dr. Barr wants to do is not the best option; it is an excellent solution for someone who is 80 or older, it's a temporary fix. This process we are trying to organize here in Cleveland is much more advanced and will give better results in the long run--it will mean more surgeries, but when it's all said and done, it will be a better option for me.

Today--no surgery date yet --- more sitting in the hotel waiting--tomorrow I will call the office again. Hopefully, answers will come tomorrow. Tonight, my legs are hurting; it will be a restless night.

Promises not broken

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2014

Promises not broken

I know without any doubt one day, I will be strong enough to believe in this promise. Right now, I am feeling vulnerable. I am so afraid I have spent a week in Cleveland trying to find a doctor who will take on my case, one which I was told by two doctors they have never seen during their time as practicing doctors. I am fine-tuned, and my sharp edges are being sanded down. Heaven has shown me so many miracles....and one thing I know for sure is the Lord will not take our pain away; I also believe he could take it away, but when he does that, we are deprived of blessings we would have never had the opportunity to endure, come closer to the spirit and strengthen our testimony of FAITH and HOPE in Christ.  

One day a few weeks ago, I let Recker and Ezra play in my car while I was cleaning it out; they love to just play in the car because when he drives, they have to be in their car seats, so when bonbon lets them play they are all happy and smiles. The next day I was going, and I noticed both Recker and Ezra's feet and hand prints on the windows; I pulled my car over to the side of the road and stared at those prints with the biggest smile on my face--thinking, "I want to absorb this moment, those little hand prints are my cute little grandkids...." why did they not look as cute when they were my own children's? Or maybe they were, but I just forgot. I later noticed in my house on one of the mirrors Recker's hand prints all over it; I did not take the Windex out--instead, I cleaned around it; this little boy has blessed my life more than anyone ever has--I love Ezra too, and I love him just as much, but the connection I have with Ezra is different than the one I have with Recker. Last week when I was home, I had the PICC line in my arm and a wrap around my ear, like a bandaid. Recker always comes and hugs me, but this time he gave me a hug, and then I had to inspect my PICC line. I tried to explain that it was a boo boo, and bonbon needed some medicine. Then he hugged me again and looked at the bandaid on my ear. He first looked at it, then looked me straight in the eye, as if to say, "it will only hurt for a minute," and that fast he had ripped it off my ear and ran as fast he could---NO, it didn't hurt, he just hates bandaids and obviously if he doesn't like them he assumed bonbon wouldn't either. This little Recker boy is 4 and a half, he is still non-verbal, but he and I can communicate with our eyes and hearts. He has a special bond with our Heavenly Father, and I treat him as though he is a typical child because we do not want him to think we think he is less worthy or less loved than anyone else in this family. 

He's my little angel.

I know that one day we will understand why some children are born with this particular veil surrounding them and protect them from the world's temptations. When I look at this picture above, it always makes me think of Recker; I believe his footprints will also be next to mine, his perfect little prints walking next to me and helping me get where I need to be.

Tomorrow is a big day for me; I am praying the doctor has already cleared his schedule for one day and can get me in asap; if not, then I will be carried once again on an airplane to my next doctor on the list hoping for an answer. I have an excellent feeling about the Cleveland Clinic, and I know they have already told me my situation is an emergency case. I realized a long time ago my life would never be the same; it would never be 6 days of exercise for 2-3 hours a day, riding a bike 150 miles a week, lifting weights twice a week, and doing kickboxing 3 times a week...I never thought I could give those things up because they had become such a big part of my life; now I realize my Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, I'm still not sure what it is, but I want to be the instrument He expects me to be. The way I will accomplish whatever it is, I need to get my body healthy again, and I will. I always seem to forge forward, and I can do it with the FAITH, HOPE, AND PRAYERS of all my friends and family. Without them, I would not be able to accomplish any of my goals; I don't ever want to let people down or be less than I know I can be; that's just who I am. Because my life has been spared so many times, it tells me I have more to learn. I truly believe everything happens for a reason; Heavenly Father is not just going to throw us out to the lions and not have a plan for us--still, there are times when I  feel like there is nothing I can do but rely on Him, friends and family to pray for me. I agreed to come to earth and take a body, and that earth life would be a difficult task at times; I believe when Heavenly Father sees our pain, it must hurt him because He can take it all away; however, if he does that we will not grow and learn and share with others. My prayer tonight is to help me sleep, even if I cry. I will wake up in the morning preparing for a good plan from my doctors. Tomorrow will be a good day, one day closer to feeling the sunshine on my face again.

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