Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn and Brian's little family. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will carry her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie, I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about fun memories with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my run-errands and pick-up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with Two Turkey in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of loneliness I feel.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get involved in the attack—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is something worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I love you to infinity, but I need some strength right now. I will ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and don't get answers, so I am overthinking this whole thing. I don't know why people think when someone dies that, the spouse is automatically taken care of and that I should have money to spare. My Uncle Mike will lose his house because their contractor skipped town with their money. I don't know why they would pay them upfront. He called me crying and asked me to borrow some cash. Eric, you know how much I love him and Auntie Ann, but you taught me to never do business with family again. We've been screwed by too many people, including family. You were the one who would make those decisions. I also received a notice from the IRS saying I owe $78,000.I don't know what to do, but the Alt Key people will look at it. However, on December 1st, it's due, and then they start charging us interest every day until it is paid. Dana won't settle, that stresses me out.

I finally finished my 6th year with Dr. Amen and can legally be a certified life coach. I know that would make you smile. I also finished my book The Happiness Junkie, but I'm not going to have it published. The kids hated it when I published the first book, and even though I am starting a new life without you to help me make decisions, I have to protect my heart from being hurt like that again. I'm finishing the last chapter of Pebbles in My Pockets, but I need to decide about publishing it, too. I have producers calling me from all types of agencies wanting to make I CAN-SURVIVE into a movie and blah blah blah. One of the production companies offered to pay for the entire thing and wanted me to be on set to make sure it was done tastefully. If the kids didn't like me writing a book, they would be against it. The NetFlix contract I signed is now null and void. That was a blessing in disguise, and I got paid for it. A part of me wants to publish Pebbles in My Pockets because it is uplifting and cheerful, but telling the kids would trigger a trigger in me and probably in them, too. I'll keep it private for now. Thank you for helping me with your perspectives.

I have been studying perspectives, and boy, do I have different perspectives now. People react and do things for a reason, and they are all connected to our brains. What I am experiencing grieving over your loss in my life is much different than the kids losing a dad. We knew everything about each other and spent 46 years figuring out life and relationships. It all comes down to perspective. Mine is the memories, good and bad, that taught us how survive in the circumstances we created while we were dating. I blamed you for what you did to me, but now I'm over it, knowing that I didn't come from the same family as you and we were entering a relationship with different perspectives on life, raising kids, your dad and Betty, my mom, and the stepdad. With all that going on, we should have taken the time to be ourselves. I now know and look forward to knowing everyone is dealing with something, and even if we don't have the same perspective, it does not diminish anyone else's. Respect and compassion are where I am now.

I love you, babe, and I know you will guide me.

It's time to put up Christmas and get into the spirit of giving to those less fortunate without judgment. You and I were good at that; you are better than me because you know when to say no. I collect dollar bills in my Jeep, and when I see someone needs them, I give them. 

It's time for bed, and I can't sleep with so much on my mind.

I love you so much and am so glad we were sealed together for eternity. I look forward to holding your hand again.

Love Monya

Unconditional Love

Hey babe, I'm in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and had to stay at the hospital. I hit so hard that it really scared me. But no broken bones, just severe internal bruising on my hip, shoulder leg, and left arm. My neck hurt like hell, too. 

I want to go home so wrong. I've been crying myself to sleep like I did when you left me. We had a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the 'D' word ever came to my mind was when you had your first heart attack; wow, what a horribly unfortunate time for you and for me. I assumed you wanted to divorce me since I didn't hear from you. 

Now, as I see all our friends getting divorced after so many years of marriage, I am eternally grateful to have you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was a youngster, I knew if I continued to pray, I would be blessed. I promised Heavenly Father I'd follow him if he would get me out of that horrible madness I lived in.

Then I found you. I remember being the 'Mormon Nerd, ' which is a good description. I was afraid to do anything wrong until three years into dating YOU. Lol. When I look back at that time, I realize how scared you were to disappoint your dad just after your mom died. I'm so glad you can let go of that shame now. As LDS members, we shame ourselves too much. The closest to a perfect person I have ever met is your mom, and oh, how I miss her.

I would not trade our memories for anything in the world. I know you wish you'd married someone like your mom. I know, I know, you never said it, but I most certainly didn't live up to her standards as a mother. Had she been alive at the beginning of our marriage, I know she would have helped me, then I would have been a better mom. Hine sight is always a crazy thing. I know that I loved each of our children with all my heart and still do even more as I see them turn into beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, husband, and father. Although you and I never really understood why they let the church, I'm grateful I have learned unconditional love. I just now knew what that meant. I love our children for who they are, not because they were baptized. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again, that simply is not His plan. 

My phone has been ringing off the hook, and production managers want to turn my book into a movie. I am not going down that road again. That book was a struggle to write I can't imagine Hollywood turning it into another nightmare.

I love you, and I need to get to bed. You won't believe this, but I'm having a yard sale ... yes you heard that right. I hate them, but you, my man left me with a lot of crap I never knew we had; you really knew how to hide things. I was hoping I would die first so you'd be the one to have to go through it all. It will be a new life for me, living alone in a home where I know no one. My fear is the kids will forget about me. 

I've invested in an e-commerce business, and I remember when I thought the training for American West Airlines was hard? This is out of my comfort zone. It's good that I am doing something now. Next month, I will be sixty-two and only have three more years to retire. I'm counting down the years. I want to be self-sufficient. I won't have a mortgage, thanks to you. Bake thinks our house will go for more than a million, and the new home is less than that. I should be okay with money. I call Ronnie Mabry about everything; he laughs and says, "Eric was always worried about you and told us endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying." I can't imagine being retired, but I look forward to being my own boss.

I love you good-night my love!

Monya

Taxes

 Frenchie, I started gathering all I needed to for our 2023 taxes. I'm sorry, but I never appreciated your hard work, not only for our family but also for filing our taxes. You were right, it SUCKS.

I'm not sure if I'm doing everything right, but the folks at Alt Key have been great about helping me. I am happy to say, tomorrow I will be turning all the tax information over to them.

I will be driving to Carlsbad again on Saturday with Josh and Dulce. We will meet Jori and Dwight at their condo, and then Dwight will drive Josh's car home. Believe it or not, he did not want to go to Disneyland with us. I know that was not your favorite place to go, and it is not the happiest place on earth. Jori wants to go to Sea World again. Eric, you, and I went there in January with them, and I do not want to go but have a hard time saying no to Jori. 

I went to Kara's today. Her daughter Graci is now helping with my hair extensions. The other lady was too out there for me. The last time I went in, she said, "So, you're single, right?" I answered NO. Then she said, "Didn't you recently lose your husband?" I said, "Well, I didn't lose him; he left to be in his next life." She looked at me like I was an idiot. Then said, "You know what I mean. You don't have a husband you are living with, so you are not having sex, right?" Then I told her it was really none of her business. She proceeded to ask if I was Mormon, I told her "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" She said, "Well, I have a client who came the other day; she is a divorced Mormon and thinks it's ok to masturbate; can you believe that?"

I had no idea what to say. I just looked at her like she was an alien, which I think she is. Then she said, "The Church is against masturbation. Didn't a bishop ever ask you how many times you did that a week when you were growing up?" I said, "No, I have never been asked that question ..." When I was trying to finish my sentence, she interrupted me and said, "Well, I did, and I was told never to do that and that it's unpure. This lady has been divorced for a while, and she said she masturbates... OMG, so against the church. No matter what your age or marital status. PERIOD." Then she proceeded to ask my take on using a vibrator; I told her I believed everything she was talking about had more to do with the person's personal relationship with God than it does with 'the church.' I have never been asked such questions before. I no longer wanted to participate in this discussion and tuned her out. 

Grace is getting married in December; I can't wait to attend her reception. It should be beautiful. When Kara started cutting my hair 30 years ago, Graci wasn't born. I remember how excited Kara was to be pregnant with a girl, and I told Graci that today. I wished someone could tell our daughters and Blake how I felt about being pregnant with each of them. I loved being pregnant. I never got sick and didn't gain too much weight. With Kayla and Blake, I lost weight, remember? You know that seems like yesterday?

I had lunch with Linda Bennett on Monday. Her oldest son, Kevin, named after his dad, lives less than a mile from us. Geez, I remember when he was born, also. How does time go so quickly?

I need to get to bed, Kaitlyn is coming over tomorrow, and I am excited to see her, so I need to get to bed.

I miss you and love you so much.

Monya

Vito Dies

 Frenchie, maybe you know I'm not sure, but Vito passed away on Sept 16, 2024. I will be going to his funeral tomorrow.

I'm so glad I could visit him and JoAnne a month ago. I was looking forward to living down the street from them. I haven't spoken to JoAnne, but I think she was getting prepared for him leaving. He fell on his electric scooter a month ago, which is why I went to visit them.

JoAnne told Terry, JoAnne said, "How could we lose Eric and Vito in the same year?" I am so sad for her. I think I am more sensitive about death now. I understand how she feels. I miss you so much, sometimes I still can't believe you are gone. 

I just finished reading the Book of Mormon. I don't know who could read it and not feel its truthfulness. My testimony and faith have been tested this year, but I know that when I pray, I always feel close to Heavenly Father. 

I'm so glad I have the gospel in my life. I have never needed it more than I do now. I am worried about moving into the new house and going to a new ward. Eric, we have been in this ward for over 30 years. I always thought we would never move because we loved our ward so much, but when it was split, everything changed. It's just not the same. The people in the 6th ward that we know and love have told me they feel the same about their new ward. I have been truly blessed by the prayers of many people in these wards. I will always be grateful for our connections here, but moving is the right thing to do, even if I am as scared as I am. 

See You Soon

Monya

Carlsbad

 Frenchie, I visited Carlsbad, California, with Jori and her sister Jill. Dwight and Jeff showed up on Thursday.

I had a long conversation with Dwight while we were there. I wanted to talk to him in private about the reason for your death. I needed to approach this conversation carefully because I didn't want him to feel like I did when the kids told me. I know how much Dwight loves you, and he tears up when he talks about you. 

Our conversation went about as well as the conversation went with the kids. I begged him to please read the report and that I was sure he would agree about the drowning. Then he got really sad and said he had been thinking about it since Blake called him. He started to cry and told me about the day C.J. died and how guilty he felt. He walked me through the entire day, and I began to cry, too. I can't imagine losing one of my children or grandchildren. He shared a very intimate experience and told me he hadn't talked about or told anyone about it until that day. I appreciated him sharing it and knew it must have been hard. 

He shared it with me for a reason. I asked him if this was why he could not or would not read the police report. He stared at me and said, "I saw Eric wave at me Monya. I will never say that didn't happen." I told him I believed him. He doesn't want to know the truth about what happened that day. I understand the initial shock; I felt like that, too. I am so grateful Kaitlyn asked for those reports. It's been hard to relive it repeatedly, but knowing the truth will eventually be the best for me. I just have to get past learning how you died. So, unless Jori and Dwight ask me for the report, I won't discuss it again. 

Love You

Monya

Dana Harper

 Frenchie, I left with Jori and her sister Jill for Carlsbad a few days ago. Yesterday, we spent time at the beach. The weather was so nice; you would have loved it. I can't go to any beach without thinking of you. It's hard to believe almost 7 months have passed since you left me. 

Blake called to check in on me today. I asked him to help me with taxes, but I've never done them alone or with your income. You would be proud of Blake. He has stepped up to the plate and been here for me. I took you for granted in so many ways. Now that I am having to organize and shuffle what you left for me, my life has been very busy. Everything is done except for the properties in Mexico. However, the probate was supposed to be over on September 3rd, but Dana filed something on September 3rd to stop it from going through. I really don't like him. I have never liked him, and I do not know why you would partner with him. You are so much better than that. Now, he is making posts on social media about how disappointed I was; did he think I would just write him a check for what he claims you owe him? Did he forget I was with you when you purchased the home? 

I don't know if I mentioned Nate Skinner is my probate attorney. You wouldn't like this, but Dana Harper has shown up at his office a few times asking about the property you and he bought together. He has a woman call the office and pretend to be counsel for him, but when Nate's p.a. asked what firm she was with, she would not answer and hung up. Then he showed up at Nate's office snooping around, wanting info on my probate and letting them know he owns the house you bought together. I am so upset with him. I understand that he wants to know what will happen with the house, but I don't understand that he wants to sue me for $250,000. He thinks I am stupid; the money he is suing me for is a wild number he pulled out of his butt ... lol. Actually, he says that is the amount you owe him for rent. He says you and verbally agreed that you would split the rent. Little does he know we have not collected any rent money. Half of nothing is nothing. You were right he is trying to get something for nothing, he is a freeloading whore.

Two weeks ago, someone showed up at Kayla and Jeremy's house, saying Dana wanted to do a walkthrough so he could see what shape it was in. Jeremy told him no, and of course, Kayla was upset. I reassured her that I would do all I could to keep him from taking away their home. Blake hired a real estate attorney to move forward. I called Taz, and Blake was talking with him, too. He said we need to develop a figure that he owes us based on Dana's assessment of how he reached $250,000. Eric, I know how reactive I can be. I decided if Blake would take this one by the wheel, I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want to say anything to Dana I would regret, so I'm grateful Blake is helping with this. Dana has not changed at all. You warned me about him, but I never thought he would stoop this low. No worries it will all get taken care of.

Sonya & Kris

Frenchie, Uncle Mike, and I had a great time in Mexico. He got a little sick, not the throwing up sick, but his muscles were hurting him, and he was fatigued. He loved Mexico and said over and over again, "I can see why Eric loves it here; it's beautiful."

I love spending time with him and have learned more about my Belshe family than I ever wanted to know. I found out the Belshe family is filled with family members who have had cancer, strokes, and autoimmune diseases. I guess that answered a lot of my questions about my health. I have had all of those things happen to me, cancer, mini-stroke, and horrible autoimmune diseases. Uncle Mike also told me that there are many Belshes who suffer from mental illness. Some won't admit it because they don't want to sound weak. Now, this one I don't understand, and not because I don't have mental issues but because the Belshe family wants everyone to think they are superior to the rest of us and mental illness would never be "their" problem.

Oh well, it's a learning curb for me hearing all of this stuff. I had to pull it out of Uncle Mike. He doesn't talk about people and doesn't want me to think anything different about his siblings. No doubt Sonya and Kris have mental issues. I guess I have to give them a break since mental illness is passed down from generation. 

Eric, I still cannot forgive my sisters for not contacting me after you passed away. I can't get over how many times you pulled them out of financial situations without asking for anything back from them, and they can't send a text saying, "Sorry to hear about Eric." I have let so much of their crap bother me over the years, but I am done, for sure, with both of them. They remind me of my mother; if they act like it didn't happen, then they don't have to do something about it. Sonya and Greg were more worried about their reputation or Justen's repetition as a surgeon than they were about how Haleigh was doing or the facts. The fact is Justen told you and I in Bishop Greer's office that he sexually molested Haleigh. The details he told us made me sick. How could Kris and Sonya think what he did was ok? They don't, but admitting what he did shows weakness on their side, and how could they ever admit weakness? It leads me to wonder if they were ever molested by Gary. Sonya said he touched her boobs one time, and Kris has never discussed it, only to say she was molested too. I protected Kris by making sure I was the one who slept in Gary's bed so Kris wouldn't have to. I understand now why they were adamant about knowing what happened to me. 

I'm happy I didn't share that with them. You are the ONLY person I have ever admitted to what happened to me. I'm not sure why I told you about that when we were in Hawaii, mostly because I knew you wanted to know everything. I kept some of that secret for so long because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. Thank you for letting me share those intimate, disgusting details with you and not judging me. I love that I could finally share all of that with you after all these years. You held me, said you were sorry this happened to me, and wished you could have protected me. I love you even more for understanding and sympathizing with the situation I was forced into. I don't regret not telling you. My therapist thought it would be best that I didn't because it was not going to help you forgive my parents. It would only push you to the edge of wanting to kill Gary. 

I love you and miss you so much. I wish grieving wives could have one time when the veil is lifted, and we could see what our husbands are doing all day. I remember telling you about the experience I had with your mom and dad when I was resuscitated during surgery. I don't think you believed me, but now you know. Heaven is beautiful, and everything we have been taught about our life after death is true. Knowing you are doing good things with your mom, I have made peace with you leaving me. I can see now how Heavenly Father was preparing me for your death. I have had many dreams where I am with your mom, and you asked me one time after I had a dream, "Why don't I ever dream?" I now know exactly where you are, but not sure what you are doing. Now, you are living in the world I want to live in. No judgment, no comparisons, and a lot of love and serenity. Enjoy my love.

I am looking forward to the CHOSEN starting in September. For some reason, watching the new season will bond me even closer to you. XOXO

Uncle Mike

Frenchie, Uncle Mike came and visited me. I picked him up at the airport, and he looks really good. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself. He thinks he is going to Hell ... literally. When I asked him why he would say that to me, he said there was a bishop who came to their house and told them they were going to Hell because Aunt Ann was not baptized and that they did not get married in the Temple. I was so sad to hear him tell me that story. This is one of the reasons so many people talk bad about the LDS religion. Why in the hell would anyone say that to someone? I'm pretty sure you know more than I do now, but I do not believe the Heavenly Father I know would be ok with anyone telling him that, especially a bishop.

I love Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann. I'm so glad I've made a connection with them. I had no idea Uncle Mike was ten years younger than my dad. He told me he was as bad as Colby. I told him I didn't believe that and knew he never went to jail. He has this terrible self-image.  Because he married Jane young, they had two girls, and Jane talked horribly about Mike; those girls don't speak to him. It is unfortunate. He has a lot of shame because of it but makes no excuses; he lives with the agony of having daughters in Arizona who do not want anything to do with him, but he is not like Colby except for the kind heart that they both have. Those boys were so misunderstood. I wish things could have been different with my dad. I wanted to have him in my life, but I needed to understand where he was as a teenager. I have abandonment issues because of Colby. Well, not only him; my mom walked away from me when I needed her most. 

Uncle Mike and I are driving to Mexico tomorrow; he has an appointment with a dentist. Remember him telling us about his teeth going bad after he started taking heart medication? He's getting old, Eric. I will miss him so much when he passes on to your world. He asked me if I would put his Temple clothes on him when he dies. I told him I would be honored to do that for him. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated; I'm not sure if the "Church" would approve, but you know me ... I don't care, and I am not going to ask if he can be burned with his temple clothing on. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I hoped and prayed he would not ask me if it was okay with the church; he didn't. 

He was sleeping on the sofa; he didn't want to go upstairs and share a bathroom with me. I hope he thinks the couch is as comfortable as I told him. 

I love you so much. I'm not sure how I got so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for understanding my crazy, messed-up life. You didn't know what you were getting into when we married, but I could not and would not want to do it with anyone else. I have to go to bed. I'm going to your happy place tomorrow.

I Bought a House

Frenchie, have you been listening to me? I needed your opinion on moving, one of the things I miss the most about you is our sincere talks. I know you better than anyone on Earth, and I know you stood before your Heavenly Father with great pride. 

So I wanted to talk to you tonight; I need to decide about moving. I met the children at Reserve at Red Rock so they could see my interest in the home. Surprisingly, they all loved that I was considering moving to where you sold homes. Terry walked me through several specs. I thought I was set on one until I was told the house would be done in October. I am not emotionally ready to do that yet. Would you be if I was gone? You

would have stayed in this house, even if it's because you would never want to clean it out. Today, when I was at Red Rock, I told Terry I could not move that quickly, and he said he understood. He really has been so kind to check up on me. I saw the lot you saved for the lady whose husband passed away. He was a pastor, and they lived on a ranch, but she could not sell her house. I asked Terry about the lot and if I could build something new. He asked Jeff, and he approved it. Today, I wrote a check for $100,000, which was weird. I've always had to make decisions like this with you. I can't count how many times I asked Terry, "What would Eric do?" 

I bought a house, WHAT? I love that the neighbors all know you and love you. Terry and I went to Vito's house to visit him and his wife. He is something else. When I came into the house, he tried to kiss me on the lips. I knew it was just the Italian in him, and Joanna didn't seem to mind. It's who he is. Remember when we went to dinner with them? He was quite a hoot, and the stories he told were funny. I think about that night and can see you laughing so hard. You winked at me when he tried to kiss me that night. I was a little grossed out until you explained Vito to me. Vito said, "I loved Eric. Do you know what he always said when he saw me?" I said, "No, but I'm sure you are about ready to tell me." With a big smile, he said, "Eric always said, when I grow up, I want to be like Vito."

You Are A Man of God

Hey Frenchie, I've been deciding whether to stay or stay in this house we built together. Blake showed me a house this week in Gilbert. A smaller home sounds much better than this BIG house and yard.  It's such a hard decision; we built this house as we wanted. We built this house around the pantry. Remember how adamant I was about having a big pantry? You made sure I had the pantry of my dreams. Thank you for loving me that much... lol.

I received a phone call from Lori Blandford telling me that Jeff was offering to sell me any of his specs for his cost. My initial reaction was to tell her no, I'm not ready for that yet. This is my worst nightmare. It goes to show me that I never know exactly what is going to happen next. I miss you very much. My heart is still broken. 

I cry myself to sleep every night and hold your pillow close. You are the last person on earth I could imagine dying. Mainly because you were bigger than life and loved life. I want you to know I forgive you for things I brought up to you often about our past. I appreciate that you apologized to me the night before you died, but why? Did you know you were going to die? When I look back at the last month before you passed, there are too many things you said or did that make me believe you knew this was coming. Not too many people get a second chance at life. You did and made up for so many years that I knew you felt disconnected from our children. You made that all right with them; each loves you so much.

I wish you were sitting next to me on our bed. I know you loved when I wrote in this blog. I really wish you had left more of your life experiences with the kids. You really didn't like to write things down. Lol, but I would give anything to have your journals. I read from your missionary journal that you only wrote for the first six months. What happened? I remember things you told me about your mission, but you didn't talk much about it. Did you think any of us would be disappointed in you? I hope you never felt that because the man I started dating over forty years ago was a man of God. I loved how humble you were. I saw that side of you again in the past year and a half. Heavenly Father is so happy with you. We all make mistakes, but the Atonement covers all of them. Every day, I am grateful that I married you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Save me a place. I cannot wait to see you again. I long for your fantastic hugs.

To Move or Not to Move

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, I went to see the model home again. I don't know how Terry could stand looking into your office without crying. Justin has your office now; I couldn't bring myself to go in there.

Last week, when I was praying, I wondered if you could hear my prayers where you are. I need to start considering moving; the maintenance on this house is so much work. Blake showed me a cute home in Gilbert near the Groves. I asked Heavenly Father what Eric would do when I knelt to pray that night. What would Eric want me to do? I kissed you good night, hugged you, said I love you, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a Text from Lori Blandford. She said Jeff offered me any specs he had at his price. Of course, my limited thinking said no right away; I told her all of the specs were too far from our children and grandchildren. Then Kayla and the boys came by to visit. She's been helping me so much to organize some of your things. We are good, Eric, Kayla, and I respect and love one another's perspectives. She is our sweet little firstborn, and she still is. We talked, and I told her Jeff's offer; she said, "Mom, move to The Reserve at Red Rock." Can you imagine me in the desert with rattlesnakes? She continued, "It's what dad has always wanted; you should consider it."

Last Saturday, I ran out to Red Rock and visited with Terry. He misses you a lot. He said he had to work three months in a row with no days off, and it about killed him. Jeff wanted to do all the paperwork when and if I liked any of the specs. I had to tell Terry, so he took me to the specs he thought I would like. Of course I love them, all model homes are perfect. But I was ok with the house Blake offered me. It was built in the 80s, but I could live there; you know how much I love that Groves area. And it is still close to the kids. But when I saw the price of the home, Terry showed me I was interested in the price difference. By far, Jeff gave me the best deal; even Terry was surprised. I told him I needed to talk to the kids and get their opinion on moving so far. I left them all a group text telling them I was going to Reserve at Red Rock, and they were welcome to come and help me make decisions.

Kaitlyn and Kayla met me first. Blake's family came a little later. They looked at the two specs I wanted to choose from, and they all gave the same opinion, but it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't believe they all agreed to let me buy out there. I have been so torn, not knowing what to do. I need your help.

I went to the models again today, and Jori and Dwight picked me up. Terry's probably getting tired of me already. We first looked at the spec the kids liked, then went to the spec I was proposing, lot #150. I could hear the girls talking, and they thought spec #72 was their choice. I was so grateful for their opinions and surprised they were okay with me leaving our home. I'm not ok with leaving our home quite yet, but Blake assured me they all think it would be good for me and that the home he showed me is a house from the 80s, and Jeff is offering me a brand new home for less than a home built in the '80s.

Dwight and Jori loved the view from the model you sat in. Then I asked about a new build on the lot next to the models, and that view brought me to tears. I could see you sitting out there, taking in the beautiful view of the Red Rock. I could feel you with me. I asked Terry about the new build, and he said it wouldn't be ready until March or April. That was a relief to me. I'm not ready to leave our home, the home we built together all those years ago. The children were so young. Haleigh was only eighteen months old. I don't know how often I asked Terry, "What would Eric want me to do?" He said, "Eric would want that lot you picked; the view is spectacular, and I know he would want you to be happy."

I spoke with Ronny to see if he thought I could afford it. He told me, "Buying cash for that house is a no-brainer." I'm just waiting on a price from Jeff. I hope I'm not taking advantage of his offer to want the new home instead of a spec.

I love you so much. My heart hurts all the time. I doubt I will ever get to a place in the last chapter of my life where I don't cry a tear thinking of everything we have done together. It's just not supposed to be like this. I told you I'd never get re-married, and I won't—not because I think you wouldn't want me to, but because I could never find a man like you in my lifetime. We really had a beautiful love story; no one will ever be able to fill your shoes, babe.

I love you. See you soon.

Monya

Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya

GOOD FOOD

 Dear Frenchie;

It's been so long, and I'm sorry, but life is upside down. 

I can't stop thinking about the night we were looking for a place to make out; you were a horn dog. We pulled over in a dark neighborhood, hoping we wouldn't get caught. Lol, but we did but the police, It was the Lords way of saying "Stop that." and we should have, but I was in Love with you. Remember how I kept you off of me for over 4 months. I love hugging you tight and the chills in our bodies. But I wanted to be a clean and virtuous bride. You, on the other hand, were a 29-year-old virgin, and you were horney.

Why did you wait so long to get married? If I even glanced at a very handsome man ... you hated it. You know you were jealous. Remember when we went out to eat with Kurt & Amy at some dump on Main Street? I will never forget you walking out and someone asking how the food was, and you pointed at the building and, in the weirdest voice, said, "GOOD FOOD." Amy and I couldn't stop laughing while Kurt just shook his head with that cute smile. Those were good times with them. I love them so much. Kurt called to check on me; he's sweet, much like your mom. 

I've been thinking a lot about how much we loved each other with our whole hearts, and I've decided it came from watching your mom and dad be so in love with each other, always holding hands and going to your softball games, cheering you on. We learned those things from you, teaching me that love is not something you can touch; it's a feeling. I never doubted you because I knew where you came from, and unfortunately, you did not know where I came from. You had a lot of years to teach me, and boy, did we both learn a lot.

Okay, I gotta go to sleep. I have work tomorrow. I like those memories. I'll help you remember when I talked to your pillow.

See You Soon, Babe

Monya

I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

Dolphin World in San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

I thought about you all day today. I woke at 5:30 to see the sunrise and go to the estuary with Jori. Then Dwight picked us up with the boat. I got to see dolphins. It was so much fun. They swarm right next to the ship and are so playful.

Then we went out to Window Rock. It's gorgeous, and Dwight said it's an excellent place to dive. It was just me, Dwight, Jori, and her brother Scott. Then we headed over to pelican poop Island. Jori and I got out of the boat and looked for shells. There were the most beautifully colored shells out there. I collected quite a bit to add to our collection in Rocky Point. 

We ate at Sunset. I had flatbread that almost broke my teeth on—the crust was as hard as a rock, and you would have loved a beet salad.

The Sunset and sky were among the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It looked like pink cotton candy. I'm so happy Jori and Dwight invited me. A lot has stayed the same at Condos Pilar; now they have Del Fin condos next door, and they look nice, but I was happy staying with the Udalls. It's time for bed, but one day closer to being with you.

See You Soon

Monya

Leaving Montana

 Dear Frenchie,

It was a quiet drive from Anaconda to Missoula. Aunt Ann and Uncle Mike were hoping I'd miss my flight so I could stay longer. Missoula Airport is small, and it is easy to get to the gate; I had no check-in luggage. So I knew I wouldn't miss the flight, but it made me feel good that they wanted me to stay. You know how much I have craved connecting with the Belshe family. They are my heritage, and I want to know more. It's unfair that you were not there with me; you are the only person who knows what I know and how I feel. 

It's no big secret to you, but I cried on the way home. Uncle Mike is getting old. I hope I see him next year. He said he is coming in the next couple of weeks to fix his teeth. Shonna is taking him to a dentist somewhere in Mexico. He said it is not Rocky Point, so I think maybe the town we drove through when the border was closed; I remember there were a lot of dentists in the town.

I'm home now and back to work. I got the same bid this time: 6:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m. working on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 

I miss talking to you; you always give me good advice. At night I get really lonely without you. My heart has a hole that can never be filled until I see you again.

See you soon

I love you-Monya

Uncle Mike & Auntie Ann

 Dear Frenchie

I love waking up in Montana. The weather is incredible, maybe a little cold for you. In the afternoon, it gets up to 78 degrees. Either way, I know you would love to be here. Today, we are going on a drive to Big Hole Lake.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann are so sweet and kind to me. Of course, Uncle Mike still cusses like a trucker, but it's him. I would be disappointed if he acted any different than who he is. Remember last year when we were here, we stayed in that cute VRBO? This year, I stayed at the house they rented until their home is finished from the fire. They only have five months without snow, so they hope the contractors finish before October.

They have many stories about life growing up as a Belshe. Uncle Mike was one of the younger of the nine children; my dad Colby was the oldest boy, and Nana was the oldest. Listening to their stories, I can see why some of my behavior patterns were genetically passed down. By the time Uncle Mike was a teenager, Grandpa Belshe had his stroke, so he and Pamela and Uncle Bill got away with a lot of crap. Uncle Mike thinks Grandma just got tired of raising kids. It's really sad to hear some of his stories.

 Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was out, and I didn't need a jacket. I brought some of the long sleeves you bought me in California with Dwight and Jori, which were perfect. Oh, and you will love this. Uncle Mike has worn the Puerto Penasco hat you bought; he says he wears it daily. It's his favorite. We drove to Butte, where Uncle Mike had a lung scan. We dropped him off and then went to visit Aunt Ann's brother, Hal. As I sat and watched Aunt Ann care for her brother compassionately, she offered to go to the store for him. I thought why in the world would any person not like her. Why? Because she is not LDS? Because she smokes? The Belshe family, including Grandma (who had a mean streak), just don't like her. She is one of the nicest people in this family I have met. When Coldby died, I went to his house to get something of his, anything he had handmade. When Lynn opened the door, she greeted me with this, "Oh, I know who you are, you're the Bitch of the family, your dad told me." I stood shocked, not knowing what to say. I had no idea Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann were standing just behind me ... not a good idea to call Uncle Mike's favorite niece a Bitch. He and Ann were so mad. Uncle Mike said, "Don't you talk to her like that, and my brother never said she was a Bitch; he loved her." then they pushed through the door, took her to another room, and told me to get whatever I wanted. While I was trying to find artwork or some of his leather work, I could hear Lynn getting her share of the mean streak Mike and Ann had for her. Colby was never married to her. In fact, she was still married to another man but just living with Colby. I grabbed a few things for my children to have. Even though they never really knew him as a grandfather, I still wanted some of his things. I'm glad I did because as I get older, I believe my dad loved me but didn't know how to show it; he didn't know how to be a dad, let alone a grandfather. He spent most of my childhood running from the law or in Prison. My heart hurts for him; he made it hard to love him. I was not allowed to know where he was in my youth and teen years. 

I'm not sure why the Belshe family is so judgmental of people. None of them live perfect lives. But I see now where Kris and Sonya got it from. Living and loving you was my best decision; I know my dad would have loved the man I married. I'd give anything for my dad to be alive and see how you and I have made a beautiful family together for forty-six years. We weren't perfect, but holy cow, we did not raise our children to Hate anyone. I have the greatest heritage, and this family is not what a family should be. If it wasn't for Uncle Mike visiting me as a child and texting me every day just to say, "I'm alive." He even came to your funeral ... I love him and know I don't have many years left with him; he's 77, and his heart is like yours. Since I don't know how it works where you are, I always wonder if you've been able to talk to Colby. If you do, please tell him all the talks you and I have had about him. I wished I'd had someone to call daddy, and it wasn't Gary. Tell him I love him and hug him for me. He really was a good man who made some bad decisions.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann took me on a spectacular ride today. Oh, Eric, you would have loved it. The forest was a beautiful green. They've cleaned up some of the dying trees from the beetles and huge piles of timber. It's so sad. I hate when the forest catches fire, or these beetles eat down these 100-year-old trees. By the time they grow back to this size again, it will be in another 100 years. I love being with Uncle Mike and Auntie Ann.

Love Monya

Montana

 Dear Frenchie

I decided to go to Montana, even though you and I had planned that trip together. It was a hard decision to make. We are trying to update the condos, hoping to attract a different clientele and raise the money for rent. I felt like I needed to be there this week to get them ready. However, Brian told me not to cancel my Montana plans and to see Uncle Mike.

We had a birthday party for Zeek. He is four now and just so sweet. I know he loves me and still gets excited to see me and show me his latest toy. It was also a celebration for Teddy, whose birthday was a few days ago. Teddy is getting tall, and he, too, is so sweet. I don't get to see Kayla's children as much as Zeek and Weslie; Kayla is in the thick of raising teenagers and home-schooling. I miss them a lot.

After everyone left, I packed for Montana (carry-on only). I didn't get to bed until midnight and could not sleep, worried about the alarm going off. I had to be up and gone by 3:30. It's not the same without you. Packing and getting ready to do anything is still really hard for me. I brought your pillow to Montana so I could sleep better.

Seeing Aunt Ann waiting for me, I just melted into her arms, and we both had a nice cry. Uncle Mike was sitting by the baggage area checking out Facebook ... that man is like you. He loves to scroll through, see what everyone is doing, and then leave a comment.

I flew into Missoula again, and we made the two-hour drive to Anaconda. I missed you when the scenery was so beautiful. I could hear you telling Uncle Mike how much you were amazed at the beauty in Montana. It was gorgeous and cold; I'm glad I brought a jacket. I'm only here until Saturday, so I don't have as much time with them as I wanted, but I could not get off work. 

Uncle Mike was upset about you not being there; he started to cry, saying, "I was really looking forward to getting to know Eric better; he is a good man. My brother would be proud." He said it was unfair that you went before him and were too young. I agree.

Waking up to snow-capped mountains is so incredible. It's June and in the sixties, cold for an Arizona girl. But I'm going to enjoy every second with them. They love me, and I want to be around them because, for once, I feel loved by a 'Belshe,' and you know what that means to me. I don't think anyone else would understand that, but you. I finally am loved by my dad's brother and his wife. Most of the Belshe's have a way of shutting me out because I wasn't around them growing up. It's sad but true; they all gossip and talk about each other. I just can't be around that anymore. Here in Montana, with family, it feels so good; as you know, it is something I have craved my entire life. Aunt Ann said, " Uncle Mike and I love you so much, and I ache knowing what you are feeling. We will be your mom and dad. If you need anything or want to talk, we are here for you." I love them. They don't judge, they forgive easily, and we have much fun together.

I've got to get up and get ready for the day. I'm sure they wonder what I am doing in this bedroom. I just wanted to connect with you this morning. I know you are proud of me for coming to visit them without you. I see you everywhere, though. Thank you for showing up in Montana for me. I love you and miss you so much.

Love Monya

Dr. Sal Lettieri (The BIG man)

 Dear Frenchie

Today, Dr. Lettieri called me to see how I was doing. He was so compassionate and kind. I told him how proud you were that he was my surgeon. I remember hearing you answer someone's question when they said, "Really, Eric, how is Monya doing through all this change in her life and appearance?" You talked more about Dr. Lettieri than you did about me. I told him what you've said over the years. "He's a genius." You acknowledged and understood why my friendship with him was more of a connection because he would be doing such difficult surgeries on me. You said, "Not many patients have Dr. Sal Lettieri's personal phone number." He laughed and said, "Well, he got that right; you are THE only patient with my personal cell phone." 

I told him how much you admired him and loved that I had a surgeon during this very difficult transition to help me with no bull crap by being honest with me and the number of surgeries I'd have to endure with you. He was very touched by your words. I told him he needs to give himself more credit for what he does, I could never do what he does. I asked him how a trauma Surgeon handles a patient dying in front of them. He said, "I don't know, I cannot answer that there is no sense to it but it's my job. So I pull it together before I talk to the families. Then I asked him, "If it was Sara or Sophia, would you react differently?" Of course, he said he would. "Family is not off limits for grieving and the pain of missing them. I'd say the mourning your family is feeling now is perfectly normal. I'd quit my job and never get married again."

He asked how I was doing, and I told him I miss you, especially at night. Something that he said to me really helped. He explained, "Monya, you were so lucky to have the last 14 months that you had with him; most people don't get that chance when given your diagnosis." He continued to tell me what a good man you were and that he went to the funeral thinking he knew you pretty well after all the talks you two have had, but he left the funeral wanting to be better, nicer, and more like you! That is a BIG compliment coming from him. He is going part-time in two years, then retiring at 70. Yeah, right, he's a workaholic and loves what he does; I told him he was born to do what he does, and he would drive Sara crazy if he retired. He laughed and said, "I know I will, and I love it." with his little chuckle. You and I both know it would be hard for him to stop thinking about cranial surgeries and trauma. Oh, and he will be at Mayo when he goes part-time. Finally, someone at the Mayo in Phoenix sees what Rochester knew when they hired him. He works a lot with Neuro surgeons now at Mayo instead of the plastics department, where he literally has only had me for a patient with real trauma needs. You know he won't do boobs, lifts, or anything plastic unless it's the face. Mayo in Phoenix does not have trauma, so on Wednesdays when he is supposed to work in plastics, he never has patients, but they call him into surgeries to give his opinion, and he is always right; so now the Neuro Surgeons want him to consult with them on patients.

He finally agreed that I would always be his favorite patient. He's had more surgeries with me than any other patient. I love that he still thinks about you and me and said we were a good example. He said it was an honor to know a man who loved his wife like you. Hopefully, Sara will see some changes in him. I told him we thought he was such a good husband to Sara and father to Sophia and Carmichael, but mostly that Sara would not have stayed with him as long as she has if she, too, didn't love him. He agreed and said he would probably pay for Sophia's wedding soon ... I would love to be a fly on the wall when that guy asks Dr. Lettieri for Sophia's hand in marriage. Then I told him how you treated Brian when he asked you to marry Kaitlyn. Now, Dr. Lettieri got the biggest laugh out of that. He refuses to meet the guy. So when he goes to Boston to visit her he will not allow this guy to be around ... sounds familiar to me I think every good dad feels that way. Sara is the nicest woman in the world to be married to a genius like him with no common sense she teaches him how to balance.

Thank you for being with me through forty surgeries and never complaining. Not many husbands could be that loyal, and I love you for it.

See you soon; I love you

Monya

Happy Birthday Frenchie

Dear Frenchie;

Brian drove me down to Mexico so I could celebrate your birthday. I have some catching up to do. Life is crazy right now. I'm working again, and because you used to wake me up for work, I was a no-show one day because I didn't set my alarm correctly, and then I was late because I didn't hear the alarm go off. I don't wear the earplug anymore, boy; after all these years of wearing one at bedtime, it is hard to get used to, but I never miss the alarm now.

I always slept well in Mexico; it was so relaxing, and the weather was beautiful. Brian had to get home for some weddings, so I stayed and celebrated with you. The kids came the next day.

Just before sunset, I gathered some flowers growing on the property and headed to the beach. There were not as many people as I thought there would be, so I made a video for you. I said, "Life is Good." Then, I said, "But not as good without you, babe." Then I threw the flowers into the ocean and watched them go out to sea. When I couldn't see them any longer, they were out of my sight. I cried, knowing you were out of sight, but I could feel you that day. Thank you for that.

It was a lot of fun having almost everyone there. Blake's family and Kaitlyn and her children stayed in 507, and Haleigh and Scott stayed in 604. Kayla and Jeremy's family were here last week, and they loved it. I like seeing them take advantage of going to Mexico since they don't get vacations. 

We all celebrated you in our own way. I'm learning about grieving as I live through it and see the kids all grieve differently. I made a big mistake by asking the kids if they wanted to go through your shirts in Mexico; we all picked out the ones we loved and remembered you in the most. I have been gathering my own pile at home; the kids will have their choice of shirt, shorts, or pants to cut up and make a quilt out of, too. We were headed home the next day, so Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh went to the pool with their children for an hour or so. 

I gathered the clothing they didn't want and carried them to the HOA. They were so grateful and said they would find new homes for all the clothing, it was mostly pants-when did you ever wear pants in Mexico? I guess in the winter when we visited, but as I sorted them, I realized you had swimsuits and shorts that were 4X pants size 40, sweetheart. As I looked at the size of them, I thought about how hard you worked to lose weight. I don't remember you being so large. I'm sorry about that, too. I think you started to eat more when I was going through cancer treatments. I was so worried about my health that I didn't notice yours, and I am so sorry. Maybe I could have saved you by being more assertive, but it's a fine line to talk about. Being too skinny as a teenager, my mom made me eat, but I never gained any weight because I didn't make food a priority; running was my priority. 

When the kids came back to the condo, Blake was angry and asked what happened to all the clothes, and I told them I had taken them to the HOA. He became explosive, wanting to know where the shoes were. I told him I took them to the HOA but that he had mentioned the golf shoes, and I saved those for him. Then Chloe started in on me. I had no words because I was in the wrong. I never considered that when Blake comes to the condo, part of his enjoyment would be seeing all of your clothes hanging in the closet; it reminded him of his dad.

I gave him some time, but I did apologize to him when everyone wasn't standing around and told him next time any of us go to Mexico, we will take all their favorites back down to Mexico and hang them back up. Blake is a forgiving person, you know that. He's a mama's boy but adult enough to accept my apology and move on.

We all thought about you in our own way on your Birthday. I forgot to make you a German Chocolate Cake, so I will do that on Father's day for you. I love you so much, and as I navigate through all that comes with processing losing a husband and best friend, I love you even more and cannot wait to see you again. There is a whole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone but you.

Love Monya