Enduring ongoing adversity

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2015

Enduring ongoing adversity  

There are so many differences in all our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to care for families, and some struggle with loneliness. We all have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity. I’ve also realized the reality of those adversities cannot be compared. For example, I struggled as a teenager with severe issues for years. It was heartbreaking to live through, especially knowing that life would be much easier if I were obedient. One day I went to visit a friend who was devastated and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong, I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughter’s name, and then, through her tears, she explained, “She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced; she’s only 15; we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18” Her perspective, and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking.     

There have been periods, sometimes long times, when my life seemed to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately, the nature of our lives gives way to distress; for me, periods of good health have ended, and misfortunes have arrived. It is more difficult when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. Suffering from health issues or losing material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I must be transparent here and admit I have felt rage and questioned why? I realize the anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came as such a shock. To be blessed with good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, like an arrogant ignorance. Hadn’t I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind. I have considered myself a brave woman, yet many times have cried aloud, “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The opportunity to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the blessings of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” It becomes even more painful when I see others struggling, including those I love. When Recker was diagnosed with Autism, I wouldn’t say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking, “Why?” It was tough for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our second grandson diagnosed with Autism, I must be honest, I rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking, “Why, why would you send these spirits to the same parents?” This distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me the Lord knows all, and if I continued without faith, doubt could grow and spread. It could make me, or my children turn away from God, blaming him for the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily, or those feelings could lead to a loss of faith and question whether there was a God. Again, I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis....” why me?” with the comforter conveying to me repeatedly, I soon asked, “Why not me?” It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now, “Thank you, Lord, for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys” (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I’m not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became apparent that for me to trust Him, I must be transformed by making righteous choices daily, which is hard to do. I often wonder if I am prepared for such a great trust. Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith. I deal with facts, and the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him. I’m so grateful for this education as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, sadness from sin, and the joy of forgiveness. I’m convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend. It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer. Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray, work, and wait for help. He could easily take this away, but He chooses to teach by personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own subjective experiences. The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading have helped and encouraged me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately, it feels like it will not end; during these times, even physical strength is complex, and listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity is hard to comprehend. The comments made are even difficult to hear. (Sorry just being honest) I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony. I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualifies for eternal life can find peace during the struggle. This is so much easier to write than live through. I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I’ve had the attitude, “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith but have tested and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered during the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect miracles to happen and thank the Lord ahead of time for the gift that I know is just around the corner. I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.

Recker and Ezra are beautiful, loving children, but don’t mistake their love and affection for an easy road to take. From day to day, they struggle, not knowing “what will happen next?” Those boys are into everything. Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal, so imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk. Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want. I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as a caring parent for 24 hours, worrying 24 hours. The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love. However, I can’t imagine the heaviness on his parents' shoulders. The responsibility the Lord has given them is beyond what I can comprehend. I know I am on the road to being the best I can be, so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity. I don’t know why, but the Lord customizes trials to strengthen and purify us individually. Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial. From my experience, I know that He can and will give us strength to rise through every problem. 

Opposition in all things makes me stronger

SATURDAY, MAY 31, 2014

Opposition in all things makes me a stronger person.

Another week of decisions is not entirely clear; however, changes have been written on my soul. My heart is forever changed, and I will never be the same because of these experiences; sometimes, I wonder if it is better or worse. Mostly because I know when the storms come into my life, they seem to rest and stay ever-entwined in my heart until I figure them out on my own. When I say "on my own," all that means is I must come to a higher mountain, much higher than the hills I've been climbing. So many times, I have been down or in despair, but this time is the worst I have ever experienced and forced me to get my knees calloused as I begged for answers. I have often spent time in my car, crying aloud, wondering if I have been abandoned--no answers have come. Earlier this week, I received a beautiful note from a young girl who has become our second daughter. I was so touched by the wisdom she offered that it brought me to tears, and it was at that moment she needed to hear from me as well as from her. I have not been able to get this conversation out of my head--It's words I've told myself repeatedly, but somehow when I think of them, they don't seem the same. I've indeed seen and felt the truth of the love of our Heavenly Father. He's always there, right there, just waiting to see how in tune I am... not entirely on the same page this week--but the fact is, I am living proof that modern-day miracles happen every day--he hears every prayer, he knows every struggle--it must make Him feel sad or disappointed when my complaints come in handfuls. He thinks, "I've outdone myself with this young lady. She can't even see the possibilities and strength she has" I know this for sure, we can never enjoy the good in our lives unless we have felt the bad or the trials that life often brings. We can't enjoy joy without living through some life-changing events.

I will never deny what I have felt. Some of the experiences I've had this past few weeks are so sacred to me that I will not share them on this blog but will keep them sacred in a draft for my children to read--maybe it will redeem me from my last post--(I cussed) sorry about that--it was real and raw, should have given a disclaimer before you read.

I knew my family, including my sisters, would be nervous when they read my last post--BTW--I'm not planning on killing myself--just at that very moment, I wished it was me, and I was happy for that lady at Mayo Clinic, don't misunderstand and send me emails as to why I shouldn't write or say what I feel--I am no longer amused nor do I want to be entertained by your negative energy. I'll repeat it, please don't read this blog if you are not willing to listen with an open heart--this is not your journey--it's mine--and as the Lord has created us all different, we all have different philosophies of how to deal with life-changing events--this is my way, and I will not apologize for my feelings, and one more thing, I am a Christian woman, who rarely says anything other than what I'm feeling, this does not mean I don't also have to ask for repentance--every day--mainly for the uncomfortable feelings I get when I read your emails of criticism. Let me update you on this week's activities.

I began by getting my records from Mayo Clinic, and we picked them up....\we as in Frenchie's my driver. I am going to the Cleveland Clinic for my 2nd opinion. The doctor is renowned for his facial paralysis reanimation surgery for people like me--when his office received the first batch of records and pictures, they were amazed at what they saw--Debbie was friendly and more than helpful. I need to insert here that my friend Diana Lents is the person who knows how to get this stuff done; not only that, but she is a nurse and will be able to give me my infusions in my PICC line twice a day. If Cleveland Clinic does not work out, have a connection with a doctor from Baylor and Mayo in Rochester. I insisted on Eric staying home--I can keep him updated--I don't want to put him through any more than he should, especially when he needs to work. So now that I have read all my reports from Mayo, I understand more of what is going on. A quick synopsis: when I was three, my eardrum was broken due to a blow to the head. With that trauma came many surgeries as a child. I was told back then I would never get water in my ear--never did--at age 29, I had a mastoidectomy removed. From then on, I was told some repairs were done, and I could not go underwater--the first time I swam was in the Hawaiian ocean when I was 30 years old. Skip forward to now; after going through chemo and radiation, mostly the radiation, the beams stirred up some weird stuff in my ear. I went to see Dr. Barrs a year ago, and he suggested getting the tumor out and doing the Baja Implant. I refused at that time to do it just because I was racking up some surgeries at Mayo, and at that moment, I was not worried about it. Skip to October last year, and my ear began to drain again. I went to see Dr. Barrs it was determined at that point it would not be a promising idea for me to wait for surgery--we started on some anti-biotics to see how they may help; on December 10, Dr. Barrs went in and took out the tumor at that point he took some skin from my upper arm to create a new eardrum because it was completely blown out too. I took a 2 month of medical leave from work--My ear was not healing like we wanted it to. My ear was tested for an infectious disease. I was also given a neurology appointment and consult--nothing. After a couple of months on antibiotics, my ear began to heal; they were pleased with the outcome. Still, one more surgery on the schedule to get all the debris out and re-evaluate was successful. I had to return for another surgery--even after this one, it looked good--Dr. Barrs grafted skin from my upper arm to cover some spots beginning to show bone. All was good; I had one week to wait for my follow-up. Tuesday, the night before my appointment, something popped in the back of my head near my skull; an immense pain took over my body, and I did not want Eric to worry. I went into a different bedroom and hugged a pillow to scream inside. I crawled back into bed next to Eric around 5; I didn't want him to know anything was wrong. I then drove myself to the Mayo Clinic and was admitted immediately. My face looked like it had palsy, no feeling on the right side, and my speech was off-I also could not raise an eyebrow or smile from the right side. This was on a Wednesday; on Friday, I had another surgery--the pictures he showed Eric were nasty--it showed where he had taken more skin to graft around the nerve, but within a few days, it had gone gangrene and partially killed off some of the facial nerves. This is not palsy. Now we are at a deciding point as I visited in length with Dr. Barrs, I didn't like any of his options, and he was open for us to get another opinion, so we are. I realize there is a window of opportunity for nerves; we are asking the family, close friends, and now ward and stake members to pray for me and specifically for me to feel peace with whatever decision we decide is best. I want to include all my decisions with the Lord; he has not let me down yet. With the strength of so many people praying, I KNOW an answer will come, one that I will more than likely have to accept and forward in faith, hoping I can find some peace--My face will never be the same, but it was never perfect before anyway--I'm ready--well I should say I am ready today and hopeful with all the fasting and prayers going out for me--the spirit will strengthen me to another height and again prepare me for what it is the Lord has in store for me, and what I'm learning will help others, even if it gives them a bit of strength to go on for another day, then do it again and again until life becomes a school of learning and a place where they too can pay it forward.    

black dead skin December 10,2013

After 1st surgery in December--impressive staples, huh?

January--looks like an infection.

April 28th Surgery

One week after my last surgery, in for a follow-up, my face has already begun to take on a new look.

THIS IS THE SPECIAL TEXT I RECEIVED THIS WEEK--THANK YOU, I NEEDED IT.

Your kids deal with situations like this very differently. Everyone was a mess. Everyone was crying. We all thought this was it. But your kids are also extreme. They get that from their mom. They are very good at keeping face in a challenging situation like that. I think everyone just thinks there will always be more time with you. That you'll keep fighting because you have for almost 5 years now! We all love you so much; many people are rooting for YOU. There are still so many people who need to hear your story and feel inspired. You gave another chance a few weeks ago; instead of looking at it like another part of you missing or another surgery, think of it as another chance from Heavenly Father. You still get to be here on earth to see more grandkids, see Mexico again, watch your girls get pregnant, see your sisters, see more places with Eric, and sell more Nerium!!. I'm sure there were days 4 years ago when you went through chemo and wanted to die. But can you imagine if your wish was granted then?? You would have missed all of your kid's weddings, Ezra and Paris! I'm sure there were days when you were a little girl and wanted to die. When the pain of your family wasn't going away. But look at your life Monya. Look at all the precious joys you've been given. Life sucks, but with the bad, you get pleasure tenfold. I LOVE YOU. PUT ON YOUR FIGHTING PANTS AND KICK BUTT. I know how hard this is for you. You're handling it all so well. You can do it. Some so many people support you and love you. And who will love you no matter what? You came very close to dying a few weeks ago. So the only thing that will get you through this is focusing on why you were kept here. And the things that keep you going. So many grand babies you don't have yet. So many things with your kids/adopted kids' lives that you can't miss. My heart is so broken that you underwent yet another trial. I want you to be relieved of the pain and misery more than anyone. You're here for a reason; you're still fighting for a reason.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) 

Religious Hyjacking

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2014

Religious Hijacking

Religion has been hijacked....haha. But seriously, I was thinking about this a lot today.  So many people claim to be religious. To have compassion and love for everyone, no matter what their beliefs are, is what Jesus taught. He admonished all of us to care for one another in sickness, loneliness, and grief.
I don't ever remember it being said Jesus will only Atone for the sins of those who are Mormon, Catholic, or whatever religion others may fit into. He Atoned for ALL our sins, ALL the sins of the human race, not those who belong or have been baptized into a certain religious group of people. I can truly say, I love almost everyone I meet, it does not matter what their background or religious belief. A few weeks ago, a friend asked if she could give me a healing blessing for my ear and cancer issues, I was thrilled to have her anoint my face with her Turkish oil and put her hands on my head to bless me with healing. We spoke for a while after, and she and I agreed all prayers or blessings are according to not only our faith but also to what the Lord's will is. We both agree on this.

 I find that so many people hide behind their religious beliefs but forget to live what they believe. If we are all trying to live a little more like Jesus and gain attributes of Christ in our lives, I believe we should be supporting and loving one another as He did. There is this misconception about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In my opinion and from what I have seen, those people who have a pure heart and want to achieve the attributes of Christ do not worry about other religious beliefs they LIVE WHAT THEY BELIEVE, and it shows in their everyday lives. It is simply a part of who they are. It is sincere and pure.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, no one will ever walk into an LDS church service from here to the other side of the world and hear them speak evil or badly of what other churches believe in or to stay away from them--it is quite the opposite. An invitation is given to ALL who want to know what we honestly believe and LIVE, with no pressure to get baptized. We just want people to understand why we believe like we do. We understand that not all are going to understand or choose to believe the books or the sermon they hear at Sunday worship. The bottom line for me is how you treat people and show your attributes of Christ in your everyday life. Those are the people I want to surround myself with. If you are a member of the LDS church or any other, just stand behind what you believe and LIVE it daily.

Giving service and showing compassion towards others means taking yourself off your throne and putting the other person on the throne, forgetting yourself, and falling into the arms of others.  I tried an experiment some time ago where I decided no matter what the circumstances, I would try to put myself in the other shoes, trying to understand why they were acting out, upset or angry. In every instance, it was controllable, and I never saw a reason for them taking it out on others, however, we are all made up of diverse ways of communication and need to be taught slowly, compassionately, and in a nonjudgmental way we are all Heavenly Father's children, and He loves us all the same.