Unconditional Love

Hey babe, I'm in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and had to stay at the hospital. I hit so hard that it really scared me. But no broken bones, just severe internal bruising on my hip, shoulder leg, and left arm. My neck hurt like hell, too. 

I want to go home so wrong. I've been crying myself to sleep like I did when you left me. We had a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the 'D' word ever came to my mind was when you had your first heart attack; wow, what a horribly unfortunate time for you and for me. I assumed you wanted to divorce me since I didn't hear from you. 

Now, as I see all our friends getting divorced after so many years of marriage, I am eternally grateful to have you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was a youngster, I knew if I continued to pray, I would be blessed. I promised Heavenly Father I'd follow him if he would get me out of that horrible madness I lived in.

Then I found you. I remember being the 'Mormon Nerd, ' which is a good description. I was afraid to do anything wrong until three years into dating YOU. Lol. When I look back at that time, I realize how scared you were to disappoint your dad just after your mom died. I'm so glad you can let go of that shame now. As LDS members, we shame ourselves too much. The closest to a perfect person I have ever met is your mom, and oh, how I miss her.

I would not trade our memories for anything in the world. I know you wish you'd married someone like your mom. I know, I know, you never said it, but I most certainly didn't live up to her standards as a mother. Had she been alive at the beginning of our marriage, I know she would have helped me, then I would have been a better mom. Hine sight is always a crazy thing. I know that I loved each of our children with all my heart and still do even more as I see them turn into beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, husband, and father. Although you and I never really understood why they let the church, I'm grateful I have learned unconditional love. I just now knew what that meant. I love our children for who they are, not because they were baptized. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again, that simply is not His plan. 

My phone has been ringing off the hook, and production managers want to turn my book into a movie. I am not going down that road again. That book was a struggle to write I can't imagine Hollywood turning it into another nightmare.

I love you, and I need to get to bed. You won't believe this, but I'm having a yard sale ... yes you heard that right. I hate them, but you, my man left me with a lot of crap I never knew we had; you really knew how to hide things. I was hoping I would die first so you'd be the one to have to go through it all. It will be a new life for me, living alone in a home where I know no one. My fear is the kids will forget about me. 

I've invested in an e-commerce business, and I remember when I thought the training for American West Airlines was hard? This is out of my comfort zone. It's good that I am doing something now. Next month, I will be sixty-two and only have three more years to retire. I'm counting down the years. I want to be self-sufficient. I won't have a mortgage, thanks to you. Bake thinks our house will go for more than a million, and the new home is less than that. I should be okay with money. I call Ronnie Mabry about everything; he laughs and says, "Eric was always worried about you and told us endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying." I can't imagine being retired, but I look forward to being my own boss.

I love you good-night my love!

Monya

Happy Birthday Frenchie

Dear Frenchie;

Brian drove me down to Mexico so I could celebrate your birthday. I have some catching up to do. Life is crazy right now. I'm working again, and because you used to wake me up for work, I was a no-show one day because I didn't set my alarm correctly, and then I was late because I didn't hear the alarm go off. I don't wear the earplug anymore, boy; after all these years of wearing one at bedtime, it is hard to get used to, but I never miss the alarm now.

I always slept well in Mexico; it was so relaxing, and the weather was beautiful. Brian had to get home for some weddings, so I stayed and celebrated with you. The kids came the next day.

Just before sunset, I gathered some flowers growing on the property and headed to the beach. There were not as many people as I thought there would be, so I made a video for you. I said, "Life is Good." Then, I said, "But not as good without you, babe." Then I threw the flowers into the ocean and watched them go out to sea. When I couldn't see them any longer, they were out of my sight. I cried, knowing you were out of sight, but I could feel you that day. Thank you for that.

It was a lot of fun having almost everyone there. Blake's family and Kaitlyn and her children stayed in 507, and Haleigh and Scott stayed in 604. Kayla and Jeremy's family were here last week, and they loved it. I like seeing them take advantage of going to Mexico since they don't get vacations. 

We all celebrated you in our own way. I'm learning about grieving as I live through it and see the kids all grieve differently. I made a big mistake by asking the kids if they wanted to go through your shirts in Mexico; we all picked out the ones we loved and remembered you in the most. I have been gathering my own pile at home; the kids will have their choice of shirt, shorts, or pants to cut up and make a quilt out of, too. We were headed home the next day, so Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh went to the pool with their children for an hour or so. 

I gathered the clothing they didn't want and carried them to the HOA. They were so grateful and said they would find new homes for all the clothing, it was mostly pants-when did you ever wear pants in Mexico? I guess in the winter when we visited, but as I sorted them, I realized you had swimsuits and shorts that were 4X pants size 40, sweetheart. As I looked at the size of them, I thought about how hard you worked to lose weight. I don't remember you being so large. I'm sorry about that, too. I think you started to eat more when I was going through cancer treatments. I was so worried about my health that I didn't notice yours, and I am so sorry. Maybe I could have saved you by being more assertive, but it's a fine line to talk about. Being too skinny as a teenager, my mom made me eat, but I never gained any weight because I didn't make food a priority; running was my priority. 

When the kids came back to the condo, Blake was angry and asked what happened to all the clothes, and I told them I had taken them to the HOA. He became explosive, wanting to know where the shoes were. I told him I took them to the HOA but that he had mentioned the golf shoes, and I saved those for him. Then Chloe started in on me. I had no words because I was in the wrong. I never considered that when Blake comes to the condo, part of his enjoyment would be seeing all of your clothes hanging in the closet; it reminded him of his dad.

I gave him some time, but I did apologize to him when everyone wasn't standing around and told him next time any of us go to Mexico, we will take all their favorites back down to Mexico and hang them back up. Blake is a forgiving person, you know that. He's a mama's boy but adult enough to accept my apology and move on.

We all thought about you in our own way on your Birthday. I forgot to make you a German Chocolate Cake, so I will do that on Father's day for you. I love you so much, and as I navigate through all that comes with processing losing a husband and best friend, I love you even more and cannot wait to see you again. There is a whole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone but you.

Love Monya

Disney On Ice

     Chloe and Blake gave me tickets for Christmas to take Weslie to Disney on Ice for my birthday. Weslie and I talked the entire way to the stadium and were very excited about the show. We arrived early and were able to get a really great parking spot. We found where we were supposed to sit, then went out to the vendors for yummy food, drinks, and, of course, to buy a souvenir for Weslie. She is so sweet and asked if we could get something for Zeek. I already had that idea in mind, but when Weslie said, "I would rather get something for Zeek if you don't have enough money." My heart ... oh my heart!! I love this little girl. She is so polite and kind, and she is only seven years old, far older in maturity than seven years old. I also noticed she saved half of everything we ordered for treats and saved them for Zeek. He had popcorn, half a churro, half of her cotton candy, and a souvenir.

    I loved watching Weslie as the Characters came onto the ice; she was so wide-eyed and excited that it warmed my heart. She sang along to the music and announced the characters' names as they entered the ice. Weslie is so sweet. I loved every second with her.

                                            

My Kaitlyn Rae

 March 6, 2015

My Kaitlyn Rae

Happy Birthday to my sweet, sassy, kind, and funny daughter. You have been such a light in my life. I don't believe a day passed that you didn't make Dad and I laugh. You had silly faces and the cutest little raspy voice. Life with you has been a dream come true. You have brought me so much joy, I have laughed with you until I've pee'd my pants. 

I remember when Pioneer School was the school, we started Blake and Kayla at Pioneer School, Blake had a speech problem and had 36 children in the class. Dad and I immediately pulled them out of school and put them at Edu Prize.

One day, a few years later, you and Haleigh were in the car with me to go pick up Kayla and Blake from school. You said, "Mommy I want to go to that school "as we drove by Pioneer. I liked the Edu Prize, but I also wanted you to be able to make your own choices. So, you started school at Pioneer and had the greatest teachers every year. They loved you too. I remember going to the Grand Canyon for the first time with you and your class with Mrs. Herr. Everyone loved you at school, and you made friends with everyone.

Now that you get older, I am impressed with your choice of friends, you are still happy all the time. I love you so much, and cannot believe how fast the time fly's by, I want you to be a toddler again.  I love you I love you I love you.

 

Kaitlyn Rae

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 7, 2014(written)

Kaitlyn Rae

Friday March 6th, 2014

Happy Birthday to my cutie patootie Kaitlyn Rae. This cute girl is married, works full time to help her husband get through school, and still manages to find time to visit her OLD MAMA and spend the day. 

I vividly remember the day Dr. Lepetich did my ultrasound and announced to us as he pointed and said, "you see that? it's a boy" What a surprise it was at her birth to hear him say "oops, it's actually a girl" I didn't believe him. Eric and I had picked out a name for our new little boy. We had the bedding made for a boy and bought clothes for a boy. Eric ran to Dillards and returned with some special darling girl clothes, something special we could take her home from the hospital.

We are so blessed to have Kaitlyn in our life. She has brought so much joy to us; she has a personality bigger than life--she always has and always will. People have always told me she looks so much like me. I can't deny that--she is a spitting image of me. Sometimes it even freaks me out when I see a picture of her. Seeing her grow up and become a strong woman is a blessing to her father and me.  It's been like seeing my childhood all over again, only happy. Kaitlyn is the gift Heavenly Father gave me, so I could heal from my childhood traumas. He has allowed me to see happiness, laughter, and joy through her.

I have often watched her and been amazed at her ability to simultaneously make us laugh and be in awe. She also has much of her dad in her- she is a good combination of both of us. I love you, Kaitlyn. You have been an inspiring young lady not only to us but also to our Heavenly Father. He is pleased with who you are. 

I loved watching the Temple being erected over the last few years. I have often driven by it or parked my car as close as I could to the grounds and said a prayer. Now as all the members of the LDS church humbly celebrate with great joy in our hearts, we will continue to pray for our hearts to be softened and our souls to be moved by the spirit as we try our best to become more like the Savior.

The dedication of this beautiful building has been a long but deserving wait. There is definitely something special in the air--I am personally so beyond happy and touched by the youth in this area who worked so hard over the past few months to sing, dance, and show never-ending faith as they danced in the pouring rain, Arizona needed the rain.

I have been to many Temples throughout the world, and I know I am being biased, but, in my opinion, this is the most beautiful Temple I have ever been in. There is always opposition when Temples are built. In 2008, when this Temple was announced, our Stake President told us to be prepared for trials to come into our lives as Satan tries to lead us astray. He said now more than ever, we need our testimonies to be strong, stay close to the Lord and continue to obey the commandments as we experience these trials. I have never forgotten that talk. A year and 3 months later, I was diagnosed with cancer. I could have easily given up on God and walked away. However, because of that talk, I could cling to my Savior and rely on Him to understand what I was feeling--going through that journey was the best thing that has ever happened to my spiritual growth. I'm in a good place in my life now. I have never felt the peace in my life as I do now. Here's to 2014 being a momentous year.

I'm 51 Today

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2014

I'M 51 TODAY

Today is January 14, 2014 (my Birthday)

I'm 51 years old today! It's been a great year. We started 2013 with a new grandson joining our family; Ezra Ray Roussel was born on February 23. Not only did Ezra join this crazy family, but Scott Bigelow also joined us by marrying our youngest daughter Haleigh.

It's funny when you're twelve, you can't wait to be sixteen, so you can drive and go on dates, then when you're 16, 18 can't come fast enough. When I was eighteen, I thought anyone over thirty was old, and when I turned thirty, I cried like a baby. Now in my fifties, I feel like 80 years old is just around the corner--What the heck happens to our bodies as we age?

Today was a good day with my family.

WE ARE A HAPPY FAMILY minus JEREMY, KAYLA
RECKER AND EZRA

Gettin' Old Eric Turns 55

THURSDAY, MAY 16, 2013

Gettin' Old Eric Turns 55

I have no regrets marrying this guy. However, he gets relentlessly teased by our Family for a few things. He cannot tell a story--my mind gets terribly scrambled when he starts to tell one of "his" stories. The story usually begins in the middle, with a few of "then he .... and it went over there...." by the time he is done with the story, none of us have any idea what was just said. Another annoying thing he gets constantly teased about is how he eats his popcorn at a movie theatre, NO ONE wants to sit next to him, he's loud and shovels it in his mouth like it's his last meal--I can live with this, no problem--over the 30+ years I've known this guy I have not met anyone who does not love him, have never heard a curse word come out of his mouth, and he does not gossip but finds the good in people--thank you to his parents Viola and Ray Williams for instilling those qualities in him.

When I first met Eric, it was not love at first sight. We met at an ASU single dance. Brent Stapley (who I really liked) introduced us, we danced, Brent went off to BYU and married the love of his life Julie then Eric and I continued to date and eventually marry. The night I came home from our 1st official date, my mom asked me, "so, what did you think of this guy?"  I said, "he's OK; I really like his family, though"

As time passed and we dated regularly, I began seeing what everyone else saw. This great man wanted nothing more than to please his parents and Family. He had a great love for his mother and father. Over the next 3 years, as we dated, his mother became the most significant influence in my life. Year after year, when we did not get engaged on birthdays or holidays, I began to question whether this was right for me. I will never forget a Christmas when Vi (erics mom) set me down and told me how much she loved me and that she could see the sadness I was feeling but told me not to give up on Eric. I was given a blessing, and I knew this was what I should do, but still, it was frustrating. We got engaged that year on Christmas day. The date was set for April 28.  Vi went into the hospital in February and passed away 10 days later. One day while visiting her, she was asleep and sat straight up, stared me in the eye, and said, "no matter what happens to me, promise me you and Eric will get married."

We did, and we have experienced a lot of trials and hardships through the years, but with all of it, we have truly become best friends. He was deeply compassionate when I was diagnosed with cancer and has continued to be my biggest fan and cheerleader during this fight.

I love you, Eric, and I hope you love your Birthday--Paris, here we come.

• 
  

Ezra joins our Family

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6, 2013

Ezra joins our family

This is the longest I have gone without posting on my blog. Things have been crazy around the Williams home; so much to catch up on now--
Eric and I are so overjoyed with our new little grandson Ezra Ray Roussel. He arrived on February 23, 2013, weighing nine pounds eight ounces and twenty-two inches long. I was blessed with the opportunity to be in the delivery room with Kayla and Jeremy again. There is nothing more miraculous than a baby being born--just a couple of days before Ezra was born, I was at the Temple and felt Eric's dad's spirit strong. On my way home I called and told Kayla what a wonderful experience it was to feel him right there with me again. I am thrilled they decided to name Ezra after Ray. He was an amazing man. We will have fun telling Ezra all about his humor and big spirit.
I must brag about my oldest daughter for a minute. Kayla is amazing at giving birth--I know that sounds weird, but she really is. Never a peep out of her. In her mind, she thinks she is screaming, but we never hear a word from her. I know she was worried about having a C-Section, the doctor came in the room and told the nurses to get the OR prepped for a C-Section, and I could see in the face of both her and Jeremy they did not want that to happen--the problem is the doctor did not want to put the baby at any risk--since Ezra was so big, the doctor was worried about the width of his shoulders, if she got the head out but could not deliver the shoulders, they would have to push him back in and do an emergency c-section. Kayla did awesome. Little Ezra's arm was behind his back while coming out, they were worried his arm would break, and I have never seen a delivery doctor work as hard as hers to get this little guy out safely. After his head was out, the nurse stuck her hands in and turned him. The pain was excruciating, especially since the medicine had worn off by then, but they did it. I watched the doctor turn red and shake as she pulled on Ezra's head. I got teary thinking she was going to break his neck--finally, he plunged into the world--HUGE was the only thing I could think of--I was so proud of Kayla-she has been a fantastic mother to Recker, and now she gets the joy of raising another wonderful son--it's such a spiritual experience to watch a baby enter the world.

The doctor had to suction him out--poor little head.

We love Him

Welcome to the Family

Ezra Ray Roussel 2.23.13

Recker gives their little brother his 1st kiss.

This is perfection at its finest. Our family has been highly blessed.

Faith Hill & Tim McGraw

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2013

Faith Hill & Tim Mcgraw

In August, I bought tickets to give to Eric for Christmas. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill 2nd row seats were incredible, worth every penny. We flew to Las Vegas (not my favorite place in the world) and stayed at a genuinely nice hotel, smoke-free, with no casino, and off the strip it was perfect.
Here are a few of the pictures from that night

Tim waiting for Faith to get on Stage--right before this he shook my hand
and tipped his hat to me--woot woot

2nd row

Favorite part--he gave this man his guitar. Tim said
"any man who wears a pink shirt to a country concert
deserves to have my guitar."

She is beautiful

Live like you were dying--brought tears to my eyes

O-r-a-n-g-e

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2012

O-r-a-n-g-e

I never thought the word Orange would have an impact on me.  My
grandson, Recker, is autistic. Today is his third birthday. He is non-verbal-yet I enjoy every second I have with him. There Sometimes there are times he takes me by the hand, leads me into a room, and expects me to know what he wants. Sometimes I'm smart enough to figure out he wants a cookie or sucker (and of course, I give it to him)Shhh don't tell Kayla. Other times, I am clueless and feel helpless when I can't help him.

Kayla was able to enroll Recker in a preschool; he started a couple of weeks ago. The first day was rough on mom and Recker. Tears filled my eyes as she relived the moment. Tears, she dropped him off; the fear and terror on his face must have been difficult for her to leave him. Those couple of weeks have proven to be one of the most important decisions of her and Jeremy's life. Recker now knows how to point to what he needs. He brought an orange to Kayla, and she pointed to it and said the word "orange" then the most wonderful word I have ever heard out of a child's mouth came to the word "o r a n g e" we shouted for joy and cried all at the same time--he did it, he finally said his first word, and we got it on video.

Every day is a perfect day with Recker, but this day was even more special.

Learning how to rip open a gift

John Deere Trucks from Aunt Kaitlyn and Uncle Brian
all boy's dream

Dinner at Spinatos, Cannoli for the Birthday Boy

And what's a Cannoli without
Lightening McQueen?

Three years ago, when Recker was born. I never imagined what happiness this little guy could bring to my life. He makes me want to be a better wife, mother, and friend.  He is most definitely my motivation in life to take another step forward.

Poem to my Son-Blake

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2011

Poem to my Son-Blake

Today is Blake's 23rd birthday--I just sent through email this poem I wrote for him--I've never written a poem and don't know that I ever will again-but. This is how I really feel. I don't like to use the word PROUD, but I am. This boy is now a man; knowing he was out serving helped me get through some really tough days and months--


When you turned nineteen and decided not to go
my heart ached for what you didn't know.


Times were rough, and thoughts weren't clear
deep inside, I was glad you were still here.


Dad and I raised you in the Church, saying,
"where will you go?"
your answer to us was "NO."


I prayed morning and night, wanting
everything to be just right.


I'll never forget the day of your call
it was such a shock to us all,
seems you, too, had been praying and preparing.


Tears of joy filled my eyes, for now, I knew
and could empathize-


You would go out and tell
of Heavenly Father's Plan
and how Adam fell.


When my diagnosis returned positive for cancer
I cried, "no, this can't be."
I wanted a different answer.


You were given a blessing saying,

If you are obedient, 
"Your mom will be here."
then I begged the Lord to take away your fear.


The day I hugged you goodbye,
I wasn't quite sure how I'd get by.


As I felt my heart explode in my chest,
I knew it was time to let the Lord do the rest.


Every letter, Christmas and Mother's day
there was so much to say,
you were serving the Lord, and it made me glad

to hear you so happy for good days and bad


Now those two years have gone so fast,
soon you will be home with us at last.


Our family has been so blessed; you have
served with honor and done your best.


When people ask me, "How did you survive your fight?"
I look at them and say, "because I have a son who chose
to share HIS light."


I love you, Elder Blake Williams-Happy Birthday.

XOXO Mama