I Bought a House

Frenchie, have you been listening to me? I needed your opinion on moving, one of the things I miss the most about you is our sincere talks. I know you better than anyone on Earth, and I know you stood before your Heavenly Father with great pride. 

So I wanted to talk to you tonight; I need to decide about moving. I met the children at Reserve at Red Rock so they could see my interest in the home. Surprisingly, they all loved that I was considering moving to where you sold homes. Terry walked me through several specs. I thought I was set on one until I was told the house would be done in October. I am not emotionally ready to do that yet. Would you be if I was gone? You

would have stayed in this house, even if it's because you would never want to clean it out. Today, when I was at Red Rock, I told Terry I could not move that quickly, and he said he understood. He really has been so kind to check up on me. I saw the lot you saved for the lady whose husband passed away. He was a pastor, and they lived on a ranch, but she could not sell her house. I asked Terry about the lot and if I could build something new. He asked Jeff, and he approved it. Today, I wrote a check for $100,000, which was weird. I've always had to make decisions like this with you. I can't count how many times I asked Terry, "What would Eric do?" 

I bought a house, WHAT? I love that the neighbors all know you and love you. Terry and I went to Vito's house to visit him and his wife. He is something else. When I came into the house, he tried to kiss me on the lips. I knew it was just the Italian in him, and Joanna didn't seem to mind. It's who he is. Remember when we went to dinner with them? He was quite a hoot, and the stories he told were funny. I think about that night and can see you laughing so hard. You winked at me when he tried to kiss me that night. I was a little grossed out until you explained Vito to me. Vito said, "I loved Eric. Do you know what he always said when he saw me?" I said, "No, but I'm sure you are about ready to tell me." With a big smile, he said, "Eric always said, when I grow up, I want to be like Vito."

To Move or Not to Move

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, I went to see the model home again. I don't know how Terry could stand looking into your office without crying. Justin has your office now; I couldn't bring myself to go in there.

Last week, when I was praying, I wondered if you could hear my prayers where you are. I need to start considering moving; the maintenance on this house is so much work. Blake showed me a cute home in Gilbert near the Groves. I asked Heavenly Father what Eric would do when I knelt to pray that night. What would Eric want me to do? I kissed you good night, hugged you, said I love you, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a Text from Lori Blandford. She said Jeff offered me any specs he had at his price. Of course, my limited thinking said no right away; I told her all of the specs were too far from our children and grandchildren. Then Kayla and the boys came by to visit. She's been helping me so much to organize some of your things. We are good, Eric, Kayla, and I respect and love one another's perspectives. She is our sweet little firstborn, and she still is. We talked, and I told her Jeff's offer; she said, "Mom, move to The Reserve at Red Rock." Can you imagine me in the desert with rattlesnakes? She continued, "It's what dad has always wanted; you should consider it."

Last Saturday, I ran out to Red Rock and visited with Terry. He misses you a lot. He said he had to work three months in a row with no days off, and it about killed him. Jeff wanted to do all the paperwork when and if I liked any of the specs. I had to tell Terry, so he took me to the specs he thought I would like. Of course I love them, all model homes are perfect. But I was ok with the house Blake offered me. It was built in the 80s, but I could live there; you know how much I love that Groves area. And it is still close to the kids. But when I saw the price of the home, Terry showed me I was interested in the price difference. By far, Jeff gave me the best deal; even Terry was surprised. I told him I needed to talk to the kids and get their opinion on moving so far. I left them all a group text telling them I was going to Reserve at Red Rock, and they were welcome to come and help me make decisions.

Kaitlyn and Kayla met me first. Blake's family came a little later. They looked at the two specs I wanted to choose from, and they all gave the same opinion, but it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't believe they all agreed to let me buy out there. I have been so torn, not knowing what to do. I need your help.

I went to the models again today, and Jori and Dwight picked me up. Terry's probably getting tired of me already. We first looked at the spec the kids liked, then went to the spec I was proposing, lot #150. I could hear the girls talking, and they thought spec #72 was their choice. I was so grateful for their opinions and surprised they were okay with me leaving our home. I'm not ok with leaving our home quite yet, but Blake assured me they all think it would be good for me and that the home he showed me is a house from the 80s, and Jeff is offering me a brand new home for less than a home built in the '80s.

Dwight and Jori loved the view from the model you sat in. Then I asked about a new build on the lot next to the models, and that view brought me to tears. I could see you sitting out there, taking in the beautiful view of the Red Rock. I could feel you with me. I asked Terry about the new build, and he said it wouldn't be ready until March or April. That was a relief to me. I'm not ready to leave our home, the home we built together all those years ago. The children were so young. Haleigh was only eighteen months old. I don't know how often I asked Terry, "What would Eric want me to do?" He said, "Eric would want that lot you picked; the view is spectacular, and I know he would want you to be happy."

I spoke with Ronny to see if he thought I could afford it. He told me, "Buying cash for that house is a no-brainer." I'm just waiting on a price from Jeff. I hope I'm not taking advantage of his offer to want the new home instead of a spec.

I love you so much. My heart hurts all the time. I doubt I will ever get to a place in the last chapter of my life where I don't cry a tear thinking of everything we have done together. It's just not supposed to be like this. I told you I'd never get re-married, and I won't—not because I think you wouldn't want me to, but because I could never find a man like you in my lifetime. We really had a beautiful love story; no one will ever be able to fill your shoes, babe.

I love you. See you soon.

Monya

I can do hard things

 I've had to make some tough decisions about my mental health and how Kayla and Kaitlyn have affected me this past year.

    I miss them but have decided for my own mental health. It's been a year since I had to hear Kayla call me disgusting and a text from Kaitly saying I'm awful. I have sincerely apologized, taken responsibility, and put myself through shame as a mother and seen a therapist. I realize they have boundaries, So I have to consider them acquaintances. They were in my first circle and are now considered in my third circle. I must let them have their boundaries and realize I do not have any control over other people's thoughts and feelings; their perceptions are different than mine, but I respect their perspectives because I finally figured out two things during therapy with Eric.

Kayla

1. I was a mess when I was pregnant with Kayla. Eric was so embarrassed he didn't want to see me. I cried every day for nine months, the shame I had to feel going to work pregnant, and everyone knew I was not married and that Eric and I were not seeing each other. Eric didn't help with the money; I took what little money I had across the street to Pic n Save to get cans of vegetables just to keep up with my nutrition. Eric asked his office if I would call to tell me he was not there (Before Cellphones). Being alone for nine months of pregnancy, living alone was very depressing. I had a lot of anxiety, shame, and disappointment in myself for giving in to Eric. I worried about how I would care for myself and the baby. It was so scary. I tried to save money but barely made enough to pay for my apartment. I never talked to my mom and dad until I was eight months pregnant. I was at their home, and my mom asked me how Ray felt about this. I had to tell her, "I don't know, I'm sure he doesn't know." She picked up the phone and called Eric's dad to tell him he would be a grandfather in a month. He was quiet but definitely did not know about the pregnancy. Eric only told me, "You cannot have the baby on August 17th because I am getting an award for real estate, and I have to be there." On the day of my ultrasound, he said he would be there but never showed up.

On the morning of August 17th, I called my mom at 3 am, and she stayed on the phone with me to count the minutes between contractions. When they got to 5 minutes apart, she told me to call Eric and have him come and pick me up. I called him, and surprisingly, he answered. He said he couldn't get me; I told him I would drive to his condo, across the street from the hospital where I would be delivering. The drive was, to say the least, HARD, having contractions and trying to drive in rush hour traffic. When I arrived, I lay on his sofa. He was upset that I was having a baby on the day he was honored. He was cold and nervous about what he would say in his speech, so I tried to ignore what he said and did. I labored for about 6 hours alone; I would call the hospital, and they would tell me to wait just a little bit longer. The pain was so bad. Having my first baby, I really didn't know what to expect. My mom never called again, and I couldn't get to the phone on the wall in the kitchen. I didn't think she had Eric's phone number. I wanted her with me. I just wanted my mom to reassure me I would be okay and that I hadn't been forgotten. I prayed a lot but felt unworthy of it or His love since I had committed the worst sin other than murder. The pain still came, but I needed to be brave. I needed to be strong for my baby. During those hours alone in labor, I will never forget how lonely I was. I knew the pain wasn't going away, so I cried a lot, knowing no one would see my weakness.

When Eric arrived home after his award ceremony, he changed his clothes and showed me his award. I couldn't care less; my contractions were 2 minutes apart, and he had no idea how to comfort me. I don't think he wanted to comfort me. The physical pain, on top of his self-pride, was more than I could process at the time. I told him he needed to take me to the hospital. He didn't help me to the car. At the hospital, he was in the delivery room. The nurses told him how to help me and how to breathe with me while in contractions, and he did well. When the doctor told me I had a new baby daughter, I was overwhelmed with unconditional love when they placed her on my chest. I remember kissing her and saying, "I love you," and promising I would always be there for her. It was a relief to have her here physically okay, with ten fingers and ten toes, but I was unsure how I would make it through this. The nurses brought her to me to nurse, but I wasn't ready. I told them I needed time. I gave Kayla my last name because I had no idea what was next and did not want any problems with him trying to take her someday.

What was interesting was when my mom and dad came, and eventually, Eric's dad and Betty Eric went into this weird, almost politician-like mood. He pretended he had been with me through not only the last 9 months but the labor I was in at his condo. It was as if he knew every detail of the past months, but he knew nothing. 

When I went home with my new little bundle of joy, I was alone but not lonely; now, I could hold and play with my baby. I nursed her until it was time to go back to work. I cried when I dropped her off at Sonya's house but was grateful to her for helping me. I have yet to hear from Eric. Kayla had colic, and I thought it would never end. I had to take her in my car so the neighbors wouldn't complain. I'd be up all night, then go home and prepare for work. I was exhausted. One night, I drove her to Eric's home (he moved to Chandler). I think it was two or three in the morning, and when he answered the door, I placed my crying baby in his arms and told him it was his turn and I needed sleep. He had no idea what to do but said, "I can't do this. I have to go to work." I slept as much as I could and had no idea how he kept her quiet, but she was asleep next to him on his waterbed in the morning. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like for us to be married and do this parenting together.

When Kayla was two months old, I was in a car accident. They had to take Kayla out of the car with the jaws of life. Kayla was screaming, and my heart ached for her. When the firefighters finally got her out, she was all smiles. My car was totaled. I don't remember how we got home. When I called Eric, I couldn't contact him, so I called his office. The secretary told me he was on a trip to Spain and would not be home for another week.

This is when I knew I had to let go of Eric and move forward with Kayla. I wrestled with the idea of her not having a father figure in her life. It would never be Gary, and I had yet to hear from Ray. Someone I knew years ago called me (I'm sure he got my phone from my mom.) He wanted to visit me; I told him it was not a good idea because I had a baby and was unmarried. He said, "I know, but I still want to visit you." I agreed, and Dave came to my apartment. I hadn't seen him for so long, so I asked what he was doing now. He said, "I'm an anesthesiologist." I laughed and said, "I guess you bought that Porsche with that money?" He said he'd been practicing in Phoenix for several years now; I remembered then that he was quite a bit older than I was. He visited Kayla and me as much as he could. As weeks went on, I have yet to hear from Eric. One night, he called when Dave was there. He wanted to come over, and I told him no, I was visiting with a friend. It killed me to say that to him; I loved him still and wanted us to be a family. Eric drove over anyway; when he knocked on the door, I stepped outside and told him, "I asked you not to come over." He said, "Who is in there with you?" I told him it was a friend, and he said, "A friend that drives a Porsche?" "I don't have to tell you that." He was angry when I wouldn't let him in the apartment. Dave came out and said, "I can see this is not a good time, Monya; I put Kayla to bed. I will talk to you tomorrow." That did not go well with Eric, but I stood my ground and said goodbye.

Dave started discussing marriage and adopting Kayla; he wanted to take us to the Temple. I didn't love him and thought he was moving too fast. Kayla was only four months old. I never loved anyone like I loved Eric, but then I started to doubt myself and wondered if I loved his parents more than him. I called Eric and told him that Kayla had my last name and that Dave was discussing marriage. Eric was livid; he told me he would take her to Europe with him, and I'd never see her or him again if I did that. I wanted to laugh because he would not know how to take care of her, and maybe he needed some time alone with her to see how hard it was to be alone and raise a baby...he had no idea. Besides, how would he obtain a passport for Kayla? I hung up, saying, "Eric, I've given you six years of my life, and not once have you been serious about marriage. I'm still in love with you, but I can't do this with you anymore. I have a baby to think of, and it would be good to realize you have a daughter and stop hiding it from everyone."

One night, he came over to my apartment and wanted to talk. I allowed him to come in; he held Kayla until she cried, then quickly handed her back to me. After I nursed and put Kayla to bed, Eric was still there. He tried to kiss me, and I turned away; I told him no, but he pushed himself on me. I remember pushing him away and saying, "No, I will not do that anymore with you." He didn't listen through my tears. I was so glad to see him leave and get a restraining order on him. The next month, when my cycle didn't come, I went to Pic and Save and bought a pregnancy test. I sat on my bathroom floor and cried; I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I was devastated.

How could I let this happen? Should I even tell Eric? What about Dave? I am a terrible person; I'm a sinner, and God will never forgive what I have done. I called Eric, angrier than scared to tell him. He didn't believe me until I reminded him of that night. After a month passed and he hadn't called, I knew I would be doing this again with two children. Kayla would cry when she saw me cry, so I tried to cry after she was dropped off and I was on my way to work. There was no way I could love another child like I did Kayla; I took her everywhere with me. Abortion was out of the question; I didn't believe in that.

Eric came to the apartment one night, and I saw he was distraught. I let him in, and he told me he would pick me up in the morning, and we would marry. I laughed at him and said, "Why should I believe you'll show up this time." So many times, he had said that to me, and I would wait and not hear from him for days. He said, "I need to tell you something first." Without going into all the details, he told me he had been intimate with two other girls. When he told me one of them was when I was in the accident with Kayla and that he had won a trip for two to Spain, he took her with him. I stood up and said, "Get out of here. I never want to see you again." he said, "But we were on a break." This made me madder; I said, "We were on a BREAK?? Did you forget to tell these girls you had a child? Just get out of my apartment. I can't hear any more of this." Before he left, he said, "Monya, I could never marry you without telling you about the other girls." I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The following day, I was getting ready for work and trying to get Kayla ready when a knock was on my door. It was Eric in a suit and tie. I said, "What are you doing here? I'm going to be late for work." He said, "I came to get you. We are getting married today." "Yeah, right; really, what do you want?" He cried and said, "I am marrying you today."

We went to the courthouse in Phoenix and stood before a judge, where we were married. It was surreal to have waited six years and finally be married. Our first year of marriage was really hard. Every time Eric was late getting home from work, I wondered if he was cheating on me. I also felt like maybe he didn't really love me, and that was why it took him so long.

Family is Everything

 We just arrived home from two days in Mexico; having a retreat like our condo to go to any time we want and just chill and get to know each other again is so nice. We are all evolving in our lives, so as we get older, things and thoughts change. Eric and I are in harmony with what we want today!! We have plans for our future, but tomorrow might come later. Life and every breath we take are but a moment in time, and that breath can be taken at any time or anywhere you are. We choose to move forward, remain with healthy friends who want to be with us and see the good in all we do. 

It is a process, but you can retrain your brain. It is physically possible for our brain waves to bring in conscious thinking. Stop living in a Subconscious world where most people are stuck. I know how to do that, except for one thing that takes me time- my children. They will always be on my mind. How can I make things better? What did I do so wrong that they never want to see me or allow me around their children? I've done all I can do, and if my two daughters think I'm disgusting, which is what they have both said to me. I will not change their minds, but I can change mine. It's an arduous process, but I will succeed. That does not mean I won't think of them fondly as I see pictures of them or their children, but they have boundaries, and I will support what they need and want for their families.

In the meantime, we will enjoy what we have and let go of what we cannot control. We have four beautiful grandchildren who know us well and want to be around us. I love that both their parents can forgive and move on with us. My first granddaughter, Blake, and Chloe's daughter, Weslie, teach me something new every time I see her. She is kind and gentle, and no matter what, she will always be part of my life, as will her younger brother Zeek, who loves me and tells me every chance he gets. With this family, I can be myself and not feel like I am walking on eggshells with every word I say. Chloe has become my daughter; I have spent more time talking with her than any of my children. It was easy to open up to her. She is my vault when I need to talk. I love and adore her.

Scott and Haleigh have a boy and a girl, Ellis and Sena. They are so sweet and have made boundaries for themselves. We are not allowed to hug them; they don't like that kind of affection, which is okay with Papa and Bonbon. Eric's family taught me how to show affection by hugging everyone they knew. So, I am a hugger, but I've learned from them that they will say "no" when we ask for hugs. Now that Haleigh has explained to us. Eric and I are learning that not everyone has to hug to show affection. They always say, "No, thank you, Bonbon." Then, they are off for their next adventure. I Love that they know what they are comfortable with and what they are not comfortable with. But I still need help opening up with Haleigh and would like to know if Scott likes us. He is so quiet when we are around. Eric and I are so proud of him and grateful he is part of our family. Haleigh and Scott have a beautiful family. 

ZEEK.... You silly goose

                                        Blake & Chloe Williams Family

                                          Wesley....Our little Princess

Sena, age 4 Beautiful Girl

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow Family

Ellis ... Oh so Cute

 

You're the MOM

     Eric brought me home from the hospital on the evening of Nov 19th. On Tuesday, the 29th of November, I drove him to the surgery center, just a mile from my house. I wasn't allowed to go back with him until he went into surgery like he always did with me. Before he returned, we hugged and said, "I love you; see you soon." 

    I went home, waiting for the surgery center to call and say all was fine, and I never heard from them. Eric called me and said the center decided to keep him one more night. They had been giving him fluids, but he could not go to the bathroom. I asked about his chest pain and if he still had acid reflux. He said yes, but they were giving him Prilosec. We talked until he fell asleep, and I said, "I love you too; see you soon."

    When he got home, his face was white; he said he was lightheaded, but he could not sit or lie down. We walked during the night, and I could see he was in pain. I ordered smoothies for both of us in the morning, and he said it made him feel better. I told him I had to get my blood taken and I'd be back in an hour. I asked him if he thought he would be okay if I left him for the tests. He told me to go and that he would be ok. I handed him his phone; his walker was next to his recliner, but he hadn't slept all night, so I asked him if he wanted half of something to help him sleep for a while. Looking back on this, I am not one to live with regrets, but this was the biggest regret of my life, I wish I'd never left him.

    I wasn't home in an hour; the doctor's receptionist told me I was late and that my appointment was at Thunderbird Mayo Clinic. This was not a close drive, I worried about leaving Eric, but went against my judgment and left for the appointment. My daughter Kayla went to check on Eric. Then she called me back to tell me she had called 911. I was already on my way home but could not drive fast enough, my heart was racing, and I was scared.

    I made it home with firetrucks, an ambulance, and one officer, and my heart was beating as they rushed him to the emergency room: Kayla drove me there. When they got oxygen on him, he said he felt much better. We were there for several hours, and his blood pressure was going too low, then too high. He was able to speak to us and was coherent. I called Clarence Schaub and Kyhl Powell and asked if they could bless Eric. He loves them, so he was happy when they arrived. Soon after that, Kayla came back, and the ER personnel said it would be better if I left and got some sleep because it would be a while for his room to be ready. Eric begged me to go home with someone else; I told him Kayla had brought me and would take me home but that I really didn't want to leave him like this, I didn't want this to be the last time I could talk to him. Eric assured me he was well cared for, I teared up saying, "I don't want this to be our last conversation." Eric told me to stop talking like that, he would be fine.

    At 2:36 am, I received a call saying they had intubated him, and he was in an induced medical coma, and now he was in the Heart Hospital next door, but there are strict visiting hours in the ICU. I could not go until 9:00 am and waiting for that long was challenging. The last thing I said before I came home from the ER was, I begged Eric to let me stay; he said, "No, you are still recovering, I love you, but I'm in good hands and feel better. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, "I love you."

        When I first looked at Eric, I cried. He looked so vulnerable, and I KNOW he was scared when he couldn't breathe. Someone from my family is always with him. 

    The cardiologist, Dr. Greene came into the waiting area and was trying to talk to me, but Kaitlyn kept asking questions and standing in front of me while trying to give me information about Eric. He finally asked who she was, she said she was his daughter and he told her he needed to talk to me as his wife and Power of Attorney. Dr. Greene told us that Eric's arteries were completely blocked and calcified. It was possible that Eric had been having many little heart attacks over the years, and obviously didn't know about it. The doctor tried to cut through it with three different scalpels but could not budge it. He told us we were keeping him on life support to see if he could wake on his own, but if he came out of the coma and could breathe on his own, he had a long road ahead of him. I tried so hard to keep my emotions to myself but felt like I was not being respected by my children, Kaitlyn was rolling her eyes at every question I had for the doctor. She has had a problem with me for a few years, and I lost control of my emotions. I asked why she rolled her eyes at me, and her answer was "I roll my eyes at everyone." I continued in a harsh manner to ask her why she didn't like me, and why she was so mean to me. It started a horrible loud argument. The doctor could not tell us my husband who I have been with for over 40 years would make it through the night. It scared me so badly; Eric and I have always trusted each other but we have never discussed his investments. I knew about insurance and investments he and I had invested together, but I knew there were investments he made, and I did not want to lose anything Eric had worked on and loved so much, Eric is all about buying low and selling high.  My oldest daughter Kayla, said, "I can't believe you are worried about money when your husband could be dying. All you care about is Dad's money." ' I told her I know exactly how much money I will get from insurance Dad has always been good about keeping that up to date. From early in our marriage until now. I was talking about his investments and not knowing how to take care of any of that. How could she say something like that, my husband may be her Dad but she has no idea what goes through a woman's head when she thinks her husband is going to die. 

      It is now December, and I am hopeful Eric will make it through this and that even if we have to celebrate in the hospital I would, because this is his favorite time of year. When I'd get home at night there were always boxes from Amazon to bring in. I was trying to be aware of those to make sure each one of our grandchildren got a bean bag for themselves Dad and I thought that would be an easy gift and that the children would love it. When I opened them, I realized two were going to be too little for Recker and Ezra and I needed to return these and get bigger chairs for them. I had one day to do that so it would get to my house by Christmas. Then the next day I thought it would be a better day with Eric and with my children, but I was wrong. 

      I whispered to Eric how much I needed him and that I knew he was with his mom and dad, but not to get too comfortable up there because his family needed him, and that he and I still have a lot of life together. I played some songs from my phone quietly next to his ear. "I don't think I can do life without you, please come back to me."     

     In the waiting room was another story, I tried to be less combative but when Kaitlyn pulled her shirt over and said to me, "Look Mom, I don't have any garments on." She was trying to get a rise out of me. I said to her, "And...?" Why would I care if she had garments on? I knew she was trying to start something, so I said to her, "Why do you hate me so much?" Wrong question, I heard everything I have ever done wrong to her. Then I told her how she had hurt me too. This started an argument, Kayla told me, "But you're the mom." I wish I had a nickel every time I've heard that from her. Now I've heard it from all my girls. 

     Does that mean, my children are allowed to hurt my feelings, and be disrespectful and unkind just because I am their mother?  Kayla told me she is Autistic, and that one threw me for a loop as her mother I wondered why I didn't know about this when she was younger. I wanted to know what her doctor told her, and she blew up at me, she said, "So you think I'm lying? I don't have to show you my medical records." Because there is a lack of communication within our family I had no idea why she would be so angry, she was a mother of three boys, one with severe nonverbal Autism and one on the spectrum but he is high functioning. After that argument, I didn't hear from her for a year. When we finally did talk to me she tried to tell me how I was supposed to talk to her now. Okay, I agree with boundaries, but this was more than that, I was supposed to learn a whole new way of speaking to her after 34 years? Overnight, I was expected to speak to her as she requested. Dad and I talked about it and she had never said a word to him, he could speak to her like we always have. Why is he not held to a higher level? Because I'm the mom? She also said to me, "I was abused by someone, and it was in your home?" Very accusatory, I asked where? She said in our house in the Islands, when I asked who it was, she said "It is none of your business." Wow, I wonder if someday, God forbid, she finds out Recker was abused by a respite worker. When I watched him while she worked and she accused me of sexually abusing Recker, seriously? What is wrong with her? I would never touch one of my grandchildren or any child in that way EVER. It was then that I was no longer allowed to watch any of her children. That hurt me so badly, and Dad was angry too of all people in the world why in the hell would she think I would do such an evil thing to my grandchild? After that event, I wouldn't want to be alone with her children for fear she would turn me into CPS for something she 'thought' was real. 

     Back in the hospital waiting room, I decided after Blake started yelling at me that it was time for me to calm down and stay away from Kaitlyn, well actually all my children. Blake and my relationship has always been different than what I had with the girls of course they think he's always been my favorite. I said nothing to him. I know him, he can be as mad at me as he can and it's over, he tells me when I'm out of line, forgiveness is given on both our parts and it's over. My mom said that was exactly how I was growing up. These millennials have a new way of communicating and if it doesn't go their way, even if you are their mom, they are done with you. Kicked me out of their life like a piece of trash. 

     I spent some more time with Eric and then went home. I was crushed again just because I'm the mom. Why couldn't they say, "Mom that really hurt when you said ......" Then we could work on that? Why wait years and years to bring up things I don't even remember as a mother. I don't care what they think I was a good mother, and I am an excellent grandmother. I showed up at the hospital in the morning and all my kids were there, Kayla and Kaitlyn came back from visiting their dad and they said the nurses were doing something so no one could go back for an hour and a half. I watched as they ignored me but were perfectly had to order the right beanbags today. Kayla once again, thinking of herself, turned to me and said, "I can't believe your husband is dying and you are asking about Christmas. I can't talk to you. And I've told you how to speak to me." HUH? I just didn't want her children to be the only ones without a beanbag big enough for them. I guess because I'm the mom, It's not okay to ask questions about Christmas gifts that would have surely hurt their feelings if they got nothing, but it's okay when your dad is dying to be laughing at TIK TOK.

        I stood up to go see Eric and my girls blocked me saying, "Dad doesn't want you here, he said you are trying to kill him." I knew there was no way he said that, we may not be the perfect examples of parents, but Eric and I are in love and have been together for over 40 years. WTF was going on, I just knew Kayla and Kaitlyn had something to do with this, they would hurt me that much to get back at me ... just because I'm the mom. I was so embarrassed I ran to the EXIT to leave, and Haleigh followed me, she said, "Mom do you trust me?" My mind was all over the place. I had no idea what I said to her, but I do trust her. Haleigh is quieter in nature than any of the other children. Haleigh has been through the most with me. She helped take care of me when I was so sick during chemo and radiation, I will always be grateful to her, I ruined her senior year of HS.   

     The next day I came back, and the ICU guard told me I was not allowed in the hospital, that patients were at risk with me there, and especially my husband who thought I wanted to kill him. I said, "I am his POA, I would never hurt him EVER. Who put my name on this list?" She looked at me and said, "Kaitlyn, she is now his POA."   

     I was escorted out by security and asked not to come back. I was crying hysterically, and when I was walking to my car I looked up and saw my children watching me walk to my car.

     So now, I went home and waited for word about my husband but still would not be allowed in the hospital let alone ICU. I was hurt worse than I ever have been and what's worse I knew they didn't care. Blake came by the house that night ringing the doorbell banding on doors wanting to talk to me, but I couldn't, I was in shock still just staring around not knowing what to do next. I'm sorry Blake, I was in a whirlwind of emotions and did not know what to believe. 

      When Eric woke up, Blake called me, told me, and said he would be leaving for a rehab facility in a few days. I asked him if Dad had asked about me, and he said, "No, but you called me while I was in Eric's room and excused himself. When I came back in the room all he had to say was 'Was that mom?' I told him yes, and all he said was "Is she mad?" 

     He was awake and didn't want to know about me? It just didn't seem right, but my kids were in charge and taking over my marriage right before my eyes. I had no idea why he said what he said, I thought he was under life support. Now he's awake and it was obvious that I was not included in any choices about his care. After a couple of months, Haleigh called and wanted to know if Scott and Brian could come over and get his bed for where he was moving. I told her no if he wanted anything from the house, he needed to call me himself.

     And he did within five minutes. I told him unless he talked to me my divorce attorney had said nothing was to be removed from the house, which was no problem because that night someone tried to break in. The next day I went to Home Depot and took a quick course from one of the workers on what the best lock was and how to install them. 

    I told him I spoke with his financial planner that Eric always had me in mind when he made any investments and that it was better under these circumstances for me to take care of as much as I could now. I cried myself to sleep every night, and not once slept in the bed he and I shared.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

    When I sat at home alone, I thought about how we didn't have a will written since my first daughter was born; I wasn't worried about money. He and I have discussed the insurance each of us would get if the other passed. But one thing we have never really talked about was his investments. I knew he had many, all with my name on them. Eric loves selling; his passion is getting a deal on the property, then turning around and making twice as much. I tried to explain to my kids I know the insurance policy on myself, my kids, and grandchildren-they will be taken care of. But they seemed angry at me for talking about dad's money; I told them this isn't about money. I have yet to learn about his investments. I've just always trusted him as a businessman. He never had to ask me about investments because I knew he wouldn't buy anything unless he knew we'd make money on it.

XOXO Monya BonBon

Possibilities

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2016

Possibilities

    

"For You, Whose Day It Is, Get Out Your Rainbow Colors and Make It Beautiful" --Nootka Song

Finding joy in possibility is magical. Living in a world as a child where possibilities were stripped of me, I now see endless possibilities for my life as an adult. Never in a million years would I have dreamed of authoring a book about my life--but I did it!!  

So many times, people see the gloom in life because that is what they have been taught. I hope to overcome seeing life through those lenses. I want my grandchildren to see their life with endless possibilities. They need to be taught they can achieve anything they put their mind to; they can dream the impossible and make it possible. I hope they embrace every opportunity, challenge with zest, and live in the moment.

My oldest grandson Recker was diagnosed with autism when he was just an incredibly young toddler; he is now almost seven years old; and still is non-verbal. I wish I could see life through his eyes. We, as a family, know he understands so much of what is happening around him; but communicating is difficult.

Last week, my daughter Kayla, his mother, received this from his teacher. Four out of five.

He understands more than I realized

Trusting

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2014

Trusting

The worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them.
There have been times when my doubt has been as vast as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain. Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two gorgeous boys. Recker is almost 5 years old. It's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be two in February. He's been a spunky, smiley fun baby boy.  These little angels have brought me more joy than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love are contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old, he was diagnosed with Autism. He is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes. The past five years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy. Something I don't even try to understand. All I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would not have made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism. I was so sure he was fine. He was making animal noises, something Recker never did. He could point to the various parts of his body. Again, I don't remember Recker doing that. Over the past few months, Ezra has started to regress. Although Kayla tried her most demanding to prepare us, it could be true. I just didn't want to believe it. Ezra was doing everything differently until he didn't; gradually, he became distant.

Kayla did everything differently with her pregnancy, thinking it might be different. Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did. She did everything differently--Now we know, his diagnosis is a shock to Eric and me, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this.

Recker lives in an extraordinary world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out, I just wanted to scream, "WHY?" I still do. I am hurt, angry, sad, and blessed all at the same time. These mixed emotions have rocked my little world and will take a few days, weeks, or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child to come true. This does not mean they do not love their boys. They love them more than life, but not hearing your child say "mom or dad" is heartbreaking.  They need time to mourn. We all do.

I don't in any way, shape, or form believe these boys are doomed and will not have a future that is anything less than we, as a family, teach them. I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and others. In fact, through their journey, they will be the ones who, against the odds, will teach us. Through their sweet spirits, they will guide us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear, and the unknown, but I know one thing for sure, and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father sends those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is but we have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun. It is misunderstood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism. All I really know is that nothing has changed for me. I love them unconditionally; I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to where I want to be ... HEAVEN.

Four Years and Counting

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3, 2013

Four years and Counting

It's been 4 years now, this week, since I sat in the quiet, dark doctor's office with Eric by my side and heard those terrible words, "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER"  WOW, time seems to creep up on me. I feel like sometimes it was yesterday we listened to those words, and then sometimes, when I think about what has transpired in our lives since that date, it seems so long ago.   I have to dedicate this blog to my family, who has stood by my side through this entire journey, and I realize this has been their journey too. Blake left for his mission for 2 years, came home, and got married. Kaitlyn and Brian married, lived in Utah, and moved back to Arizona. Kayla and Jeremy have had 2 boys born into their family, and Haleigh married Scott Bigelow. Look at all these blessings the Lord has allowed me to witness, I am so happy I have lived to see all of this, and I have faith I will live a long life, long enough to see all my grandchildren born, and I'm pretty sure we will have lots and lots of grandchildren---right? Kayla and Jeremy? Blake and Chloe? Kaitlyn and Brian? Haleigh and Scott?

 I don't think about cancer as much as I used to. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my body would or could go through what it has been through. I was prideful and always thought, "I am healthy, I eat right, I exercise,  I will never have health issues. After all, I went from 1st grade through high school with perfect attendance in school and seminary. The 1st time I ever threw up in my life was when I was giving birth to my 1st baby during the transitional part of childbirth. My sisters both have health issues, Eric will die long before I do, and I need to keep myself in good  condition so I can be around to take care of my kids when he does."

It makes me want to throw up--what the heck was I thinking? Yes, it's good to keep yourself healthy and exercise when you can, but I was seriously way off the map on this one. My family has terrible health issues, autoimmune diseases that I can't even spell, cancer up the kazoo--every kind you can think of, arthritis, thyroid issues, and so on. Eric's family is somewhat different. His mother died of breast cancer, but as far as we know, she is the only one on her side, and Eric's dad and siblings had heart problems, but all lived well into their 80s.

I'm aware of my body now more than I ever have been in my life. I feel when something is wrong--crossing my fingers on that one-- The only thing I'm unsure of is what part of my aches and pains are from getting older and what is from family genes. Running a marathon and crossing the finish line does not replay in my mind over and over anymore. When I see other people doing it, especially people I know and love,  it makes me smile instead of frown :}  For me, life is more beautiful than it ever has been. There is so much to look forward to, so much to still learn, places to go, and people to meet. Life is just beginning--many, many more rainbows to chase.....

Hangin' With T Swift

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 29, 2013

Hangin with T Swift

For Christmas, I bought all the girls and me tickets to see Taylor Swift in concert. Tonight, was the night I had so much fun with my girls.
I like Taylor Swift; I know she gets a lot of publicity about all the songs she writes about her breakup with the boys she dates. But tonight, I heard it from a unique perspective, and I have to say I agree with all she said.  She writes about what was happening in her life at the time and how she felt now, these special times, or tough times will eventually help her to become the person she wants to be in life.... in other words, she learns from each experience and her songs are like writing a journal of her life, not much different than all of us who journal or blog about our lives.

The girls and I had great seats and it was so fun to be together with all of them, not sure what the guys did tonight, but our girl's night out was fantastic, and I wouldn't trade these memories for anything in the world, love my girls and really enjoyed the concert.

Speaking Without Words

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2013

Speaking without Words

My sweet grandson Recker has moderate to severe autism. He is non-verbal. This baby boy was born into a family who loves him unconditionally; he has a special place in my heart. If not for him, I remember a day while I was going through my chemo treatments that he was an infant and would lay with me on my bed. Keeping me from literally wanting to end my life, so profoundly in depression and pain, all I had to do was kneel and pray, get back in bed and look at his little face. Then I knew I could get through one more day. Now I understand why the Lord answered my prayers so many times. I have some refining to do in my life to live eternally with this sweet little guy.

He was diagnosed at a really early age of 16 months. We still have to hear him say, "mom or dad" I can't imagine how hard this must be for Jeremy and Kayla, but there are times when he will look at me in the eyes, those piercing blue eyes starring intensely I know he is trying to tell me something. As badly as I want to hear him speak, I also believe he knows so much. The veil is so thin for him still. Before Ezra was born, he would stop in his tracks, look up on a shelf in my kitchen, and smile or jabber in Recker language as if he were talking to someone. Every time he did this, my heart would melt.

Recently, a person said to me, "You must be so disappointed"  I have thought of this statement quite a bit because, for one, not once have I been disappointed, that word has never crossed my mind, not even for a nanosecond, and for two I feel so blessed to know that my Heavenly Father has entrusted my daughter and her husband with such a beautiful soul, he is perfect in every way, we continually learn from him. I realize some people do not understand the behavior of an autistic child, and patience comes with raising a child with special needs. Without this opportunity, I would have probably never taken the time to learn more about just how special he is.

I don't have harsh feelings for those who do not understand, who judge and wonder why we cannot control his behavior or his ticks and noises; I wish I had an answer for those people; I don't understand either--but I am trying to understand, I am learning that speaking without words is something we all should learn to do--a smile can mean everything to a person, a hug can save a life, a note of encouragement can help self-confidence--yes I believe speaking without words is having FAITH in a higher being--Faith that HE has a plan, a plan for each of us, especially for those who cannot speak for themselves.

I love you, Recker Jay--you will forever be in my heart.

XOXO Bon Bon