What is your life for?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2016

What is your life for?

Abraham Lincoln inspirationally asked the question:

"What is your life for?"
And answered his own question with this answer:
"It is for you."

I ask, "Do you love your life?"

I bought front-row seats for Hilary Weeks' concert a few months ago, and the show was held two weeks ago. I had no idea her Song Love Your Life would be her theme. I love Hilary! She is a woman after my own heart, trying to make a difference in the world with a positive, happy attitude.

Hilary's set was absolutely inspiring.

We only have one life to live, and I want to love my way through mine. There is so much negative influence in the media you don't need to search for it. Feeding your mind with constant adverse information is not only damaging to your soul, but it also affects your life.

You don't need to be monetarily rich to contribute significantly. So many people worry they need an amazingly great idea to be famous or influential, to make a difference. This is simply not true. I've seen small children make purposeful decisions that connect them with others. If we could all see the world through the eyes of a child, we'd see some amazing things.

Sadly, many people go through life believing that no one would miss them if they were to die. They genuinely think it would have been best if they had not been born-this saddens me and makes my heart hurt. I wish so badly for everyone to know their life matters; they are essential and alone can make a difference. How? By the small acts of kindness, they offer others daily. A smile says I care, and it does not cost anything. We each have a chance to draft our own story; it does not matter what adversity or trial you have had; make a choice every day to be happy and wake up with the attitude of joy and goodwill.

Intentionally make a difference in the lives of other people and yourself by making a difference with whatever you have, wherever you are. This does not require being in a position of power; it just requires you to be you. Love your life, and I promise it will rub off on the people surrounding you.  

My life is half over, and that is if I intend on living until, I am 106...I will!! Truthfully, I have spent the first half of my life selfishly worrying more about my problems. It took a life-altering experience to change my story; I now understand the only person who can write and finish my story is me...I am the author of my life, and I cheerfully realize there is no limit to the transformations I can and will make. 

Using my own life to positively impact and help change the lives of others is exciting. How powerful is it to completely control your thoughts and feelings? Once you understand and internalize this type of thinking, there are no limits to the change you can make in the world. If you have a heart and see a need to revise, you are on to something good; go with those feelings. Make a difference. Act on your instincts. Your passion will give you the leverage you need to make a meaningful change in someone else's and your own life.

Monya Williams

The Price of Beauty

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2015

The Price of Beauty

I was recently at a training in Canada, as I religiously took notes I suddenly was struck with shock when I heard Mark (the trainer) tell a story about how much women pay for their beauty products.  I heard laughing from the audience, but I was in another world.  I was having an outer body experience. What is the price we pay for beauty?  I'm not talking about a monetary price, as Mark was humorously entertaining us with.
I had an ah ha moment, I wrote: Mark said, "believe me guys, there is a price for beauty...."
I immediately wrote down "For me, what I have learned about beauty from Nerium this past year is Priceless" My face is disfigured, it will never be the same.  I want that so badly, I want to look at someone and smile, smile BIG.  I want to show my teeth.  I can't believe I took my smile for granted.  Just like I took my hair for granted, the feeling in breasts for granted, being able to run and train for granted, I could go on and on..... I simply took everything in life for granted.
I cannot honestly say any of this is understandable, nor has it been easy.  I may not always please people with my honesty and truthfulness, however I know the Lord has gotten me through these past few years.  I have been refined, not defined by Him who loves me just as I am.  In my quiet time, when I spend thinking and pondering over why so much in my life has been hard there have been times I've truly wanted to crawl in a hole and die--I've wondered if anyone would even miss me, lost sometimes in despair.
Then suddenly my heart is filled with more love and an overwhelming feeling of His arms around me, pulling me up through that dark and empty hole into the light again.
I lived for so long not caring about others, not caring even about where I was going or where I should be.  I now know my life was intentionally and most humbly prepared for me before I even came to earth.  His grace has gotten me through enormously unbelievable circumstances.  Because I know He has made promises to me if I am righteous and obedient I will continue trying to live as He wants me to.  I will share Hope and Faith with others, I know the Lord will use me, he will lead and guide me to people who are in need.  This life for me is no longer about beauty on the outside, I ask Him to help me not turn from pain and to give me strength and compassion to help others who are climbing an uphill battle.
We all want to feel beautiful, external beauty, I know this because I have been that person.  There are still glimpses I take in the mirror that horrify me.  When I am weak, I know I have to move forward, never go back, never give up.  I am putting all my faith in unseen strong hands that I have felt comfort me and pull me to a higher ground.  I love that feeling, knowing He is watching over me, He knows me, He feels my pain and He understands my journey on this earth is not quite over.
Physically I am tired, my body aches my heart is full and yet I want to fight because I know there are so many more miracles to come to others from Him through me.  I don't feel comfortable sharing those sacred moments the Lord has so gracefully revealed to me I have more work to do before it is my time to go live with Him again.  He has lifted my burdens on so many occasions when I have wanted to give up.  When Sheldon died, one of those special moments came.  I truly miss him, and visit his graveside often. I'm not sure why, I haven't visited anyone's grave as much as his but I feel a peace there. I will never forget him telling me I looked beautiful when I was bald.  Eric tells me I'm beautiful everyday, he is so kind in that way and I appreciate it so much, but the day Sheldon said those words to me, it meant something different.  He stood there pale faced and bald himself and yet for some reason those words penetrated my heart like no one else ever has. Maybe because I trusted he knew how I was feeling, not just using "words" to succor the needy.
Every bit of the worlds definition of physical beauty has been taken from me.  So yes, there is a price to pay for physical beauty, but for me what I have learned about pure unconditional love and beauty in His eyes is priceless.

• Shannon and Doran

  Seeing growth

  1 year ago
• Haleigh and Scott Bigelow

  Memorial weekend

  9 years ago
• Courtney and Justen

  You can call him Doctor.

  10 years ago

Have Courage and Be Kind

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015

Have Courage and Be Kind

What an unbelievable week I’ve enjoyed. Renee Olson (Chief Leadership Officer for Nerium International) asked me to speak at Nerium’s semi-annual national convention. It was held at the SAP Center in San Jose, with a crowd of thousands of people sold out. I was hesitant to follow through with this great honor. I am so transparent in what I do, but I often do not allow others to see the delicate, emotional roller coaster I’ve endured. The aches have been natural for me. The weight of this responsibility became so heavy knowing my face would be on substantial jumbo screens for all to see gave me tremendous anxiety. This past year, there have been times I’ve just wanted to hide. Hearing an innocent child asking their parent, “Mom, what’s wrong with that lady's face?” has been challenging to process. Usually, I reply before the mother or father has a chance, “I just have a boo boo” The parents apologize generally and walk off, saying they are sorry. That is my reality; that has been my life for a year now. I realize no one can utterly understand my feelings, so I usually just say, “I’m fine,” when my heart is weak, struggling to be brave and strong. Just when I’ve started to heal and feel like life is taking a turn, another trial comes. I was so amazed while I poured out all my feelings; I felt loved. I prayed for the right words to say. This peace came over me before I went out on stage. I really opened and let Him guide me. I could not read my notes, resisted putting on my glasses to read them, and had to condense 5 and a half years into 10 minutes--I knew there was no way I could convey all the emotions we’ve lived through in that amount of time. Before I went out, I decided I would meet Him where He needed me to be, and this would bring me into a full circle and heal my insecurities. This experience helped me to be one step closer to being whole again. I prayed that whatever I said would touch at least one person and help them understand that we all feel broken in some way or another, but not giving up is the secret power we all have inside of us. We all want to feel valued and important; I’ve learned this through living it personally.

For those who have followed my blog, I don’t talk much about Nerium because I didn’t want my blog to become a platform for advertising. This is a sacred place where I go to escape the world; I am alone and listen to uplifting music when I write. I’ve always wanted this to be an authentic reality of who I am. My children will be able to go to this place long after I am gone to laugh, cry, and remember who their mom was. With that being said, I do have to add that I know Heavenly Father undoubtedly led me to this incredible company. I was not looking for anything; still involved heavily in health issues. The confirmation I felt when I said yes to Nerium was so overwhelming at the time I didn’t know why. Now I do; within a few months of joining my friends, my facial paralysis happened. If it were not for the self-development, I’ve gained from living in the culture of the Nerium Family, I don’t think I could have made it through this past year. I highly recommend anyone to READ THE SLIGHT EDGE. It has Nothing to do with Nerium; it has to do with a philosophy of life. Even through my breast cancer journey, losing my hair, uterus, and breasts, I still felt okay. My perspective on life has changed; Nothing in life is worth anger, hate, or malice. Seeing the world through different eyes lightened my heart and soul.

The Villain had taken from me everything that the world defines as “feminine.” It was challenging to process, and I relied on the Lord to get me through it. However, when the facial paralysis came, and a doctor told me, “Your face will never be the same again,” those words penetrated my mind deeply. I cried; my husband called for me. I was depressed and sad; I took so much of it out on my family and never wanted to be seen in public again. It has been a slow process that I cannot say I have fully conquered. Still, I can honestly say without hesitation nowhere, except for my church congregation and family, have I felt true unconditional love like I have with the Nerium family. Jeff Olson has taught me true happiness begins from the inside and manifests itself to others when you are genuine with your thoughts and feelings yourself. Success is not a car or a home. So many people think, “Well, when I lose weight, or I get a new job, or I blah blah blah......I will be happy.” Nothing can be further from the truth; being authentic and happy with yourself under any circumstance is what success is; it’s what attracts people to you and helped me live through this year. Be patient with me; I’m still under construction.

Speaking in front of a sold-out stadium--um. overwhelming
I had to lean on the spirit and speak from the heart.

Nerium and CEO Jeff Olson know how to throw a
white party--so much fun

It was a badge of courage and bravery for me to expose myself to such a large group of people. Over the past few weeks, as I traced where I’ve been, it was overwhelming even for me to process my journey. I have wrestled with shame and discouragement, feeling like I have let people down. I’ve wondered at times if my own children are disappointed in me. This life-changing alteration in my life has really brought me to my knees. Starting anything is always challenging: a diet, an exercise program, a new job, and even a new life. Trusting in myself to fight through this last year has been empowering. It’s been worth the sorrow and pain I’ve felt and feel. As I give up my pride and begin to give in to the fact this is the life I intend to live, I’m starting to believe I can move mountains. I have felt the changes inside of me. I’m beginning to realize I’m me because of where I’ve been and the experiences I’ve enjoyed and endured.

When Sheldon died, I wanted to give in and give up; now, I see the Lord has been waiting for me to do my part. To fulfill a promise. I’m finally beginning to understand I don’t need all the answers right now. It’s never too late to start on a path that will move you forward. Step up to the starting line and run as fast as you can; tomorrow may not come. This is the time to love others, share a kind word, and be true to yourself. You will find the strength to pull yourself out of any situation. There are days when I have to remind myself of who I am and convince myself once again I have the power within me to be happy. True happiness cannot be given to you, it cannot be bought, and it certainly cannot be faked. When you are pleased, you live with no regrets, you are at peace with who you are, and most of all, your spirit illuminates and becomes contagiously beautiful.

Tonight, Eric and I went to see the latest version of the animated Disney movie Cinderella. As I watched, I was engulfed in the story; many paralyzed my life. It showed me the unparalleled beauty of courage and kindness in the face of humiliation, suffering, and shame. I watched, thinking, sure, Cinderella looks stunning. But it’s not her ball gown or glass slippers that first catch the prince’s eye. Her inner beauty captures his attention—her courage and her kindness. Kindness isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength. Submission isn’t pitiful; it’s beautiful and courageous. We all have the power within ourselves to make our lives happy; it is a CHOICE.

Enduring ongoing adversity

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2015

Enduring ongoing adversity  

There are so many differences in all our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to care for families, and some struggle with loneliness. We all have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity. I’ve also realized the reality of those adversities cannot be compared. For example, I struggled as a teenager with severe issues for years. It was heartbreaking to live through, especially knowing that life would be much easier if I were obedient. One day I went to visit a friend who was devastated and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong, I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughter’s name, and then, through her tears, she explained, “She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced; she’s only 15; we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18” Her perspective, and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking.     

There have been periods, sometimes long times, when my life seemed to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately, the nature of our lives gives way to distress; for me, periods of good health have ended, and misfortunes have arrived. It is more difficult when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. Suffering from health issues or losing material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I must be transparent here and admit I have felt rage and questioned why? I realize the anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came as such a shock. To be blessed with good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, like an arrogant ignorance. Hadn’t I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind. I have considered myself a brave woman, yet many times have cried aloud, “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The opportunity to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the blessings of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” It becomes even more painful when I see others struggling, including those I love. When Recker was diagnosed with Autism, I wouldn’t say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking, “Why?” It was tough for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our second grandson diagnosed with Autism, I must be honest, I rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking, “Why, why would you send these spirits to the same parents?” This distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me the Lord knows all, and if I continued without faith, doubt could grow and spread. It could make me, or my children turn away from God, blaming him for the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily, or those feelings could lead to a loss of faith and question whether there was a God. Again, I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis....” why me?” with the comforter conveying to me repeatedly, I soon asked, “Why not me?” It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now, “Thank you, Lord, for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys” (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I’m not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became apparent that for me to trust Him, I must be transformed by making righteous choices daily, which is hard to do. I often wonder if I am prepared for such a great trust. Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith. I deal with facts, and the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him. I’m so grateful for this education as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, sadness from sin, and the joy of forgiveness. I’m convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend. It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer. Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray, work, and wait for help. He could easily take this away, but He chooses to teach by personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own subjective experiences. The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading have helped and encouraged me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately, it feels like it will not end; during these times, even physical strength is complex, and listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity is hard to comprehend. The comments made are even difficult to hear. (Sorry just being honest) I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony. I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualifies for eternal life can find peace during the struggle. This is so much easier to write than live through. I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I’ve had the attitude, “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith but have tested and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered during the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect miracles to happen and thank the Lord ahead of time for the gift that I know is just around the corner. I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.

Recker and Ezra are beautiful, loving children, but don’t mistake their love and affection for an easy road to take. From day to day, they struggle, not knowing “what will happen next?” Those boys are into everything. Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal, so imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk. Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want. I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as a caring parent for 24 hours, worrying 24 hours. The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love. However, I can’t imagine the heaviness on his parents' shoulders. The responsibility the Lord has given them is beyond what I can comprehend. I know I am on the road to being the best I can be, so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity. I don’t know why, but the Lord customizes trials to strengthen and purify us individually. Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial. From my experience, I know that He can and will give us strength to rise through every problem. 

Finding Serenity Now

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2015

Finding Serenity Now

I know people who were born happy. Then some struggle most of their lives trying to figure out what happiness is, only to discover it was within them the entire time. I live somewhere between being happy and striving to be completely 100% satisfied.

This past year it's been a struggle for me to find the balance. When I am lacking in an area where I truly desire to accomplish a better version of myself, I study and make goals to help me achieve that attribute. No one likes to be around a downer person all the time. I judge myself harder than anyone else could, so I become exclusive. The study of true happiness has been an absolutely intriguing subject.

I began by becoming an ambassador for happiness at LiveHappy.com. It is free but keeps me in check with acts of kindness, giving me ideas for serving others. I have struggled with insomnia since my cancer diagnosis. Researchers have found that happy people sleep better, live longer, and have a more extensive and active social network of friends. They make better bosses, better decisions, and even more money. I feel like I just described my sweet husband. His head hits the pillow, and he is gone to dreamland--he never talks negatively and always looks at the bright side of things. We introduced me to folks he sold a home to 20-30 years ago; he remembers them, their children, their parents, etc. Without hesitation, they always say, "We love your husband; he's the best realtor we have ever dealt with"  I'm pretty sure there are a few passengers at USAirways who would not have that to say about me.

There is a book called The Upside of Your Dark Side; it was interesting to read as I studied what should be a superficial attribute that can be so complex. Maybe we are trying too hard to be happy. The P.H.D. who helped co-write the book suggests that emotions of anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness can be beneficial. The good news for me, I struggle with all of those. Reading it intrigued me even more, to find out how he came to that conclusion. He said instead of trying to be happy every waking moment of our day, It's all about balance. It's about finding pleasure in what we enjoy and learning from the obstacles we must overcome. Anyone who knows me knows my philosophy is always about what we learn from heartache. Still, honestly I never really thought my struggles with anxiety, guilt, or sadness were part of the balance needed to master the attribute of true happiness. Putting on a happy face 100% of the time is not REAL; ultimately, my goal is to be entirely true to myself.

If we could all wrap ourselves in bubble wrap to avoid the problematic but REAL life situations, we suffocate ourselves from growing into our authentic selves; besides, it's unrealistic. Once I realized this, it was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. For me, it's about working on what I can control. It is scientifically honest and freeing to let go of the burden and pressure to always be happy. In today's world, more than ever before, people compare themselves to others for approval. Our world has changed, and social networking constantly reminds us of the amount of "Likes" a person gets. My daughter just recently told me there is a way to buy "Likes" I just about lost my lunch. Really? How sad is that? Social media is fun, can help build businesses, and keep us caught up on friends and family. I have many times  prayed for people who not known they needed it had I not seen it on social media. It has given us a  great tool an excellent ativating happiness on a different level. For example, a friend of , mine Kara Kelly was celebrating her 40th birthday, rather than a physical gift she asked people to do something nice for someone else that day and then hashtag it. Knowing her this was a genuine request, and I enjoyed doing it. Normally we have been taught to do acts of kindness as an anonymous gift so as to not pat ourselves on the back. There are times when anonymous gifts are necessary, those are not what I am referring to.

Since studying happiness one of the goals I gave myself was to give at least one act of kindness a day. The genuine joy I have received from doing this has now become second nature to me. Everyone can do it, but intentionality has to be considered when starting out. These can or cannot be monetary. A smile cost nothing, when I lost my smile I had to get a bit more creative (L.O.L.) helping someone put groceries in their car, picking up something from the store for a home-bound person, telling someone you like their outfit, or their hair looks good, are all acts of kindness.

All of our emotions serve a purpose, this is why Heavenly Father has blessed us with the ability to feel sad, lonely, angry, etc. The fluctuation of those emotions is what helps us to balance out and appreciate the happy moments. How do you measure your happiness if you have never felt any other emotion? The idea of happiness is similar to the wanting to be richer or healthier-- I think the reason why our happiness levels fluctuate from one day to the next or for some hour to hour is that we are all subject to things we cannot control, the traffic, weather how much sleep we are getting. I know for me when the negative sets in it's because I have set my pedestal for happiness way too high and I feel like I have failed. Just like Love in our life, we have to let it happen. You can't MAKE yourself feel something, and those feelings may change from day to day.

Doing things you enjoy is the best way to replace negative with happiness. When we allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions our Heavenly Father has blessed us with, we are happier people. Being grateful and thanking our Heavenly Father for those emotions is the key to finding true happiness. I'm working on this right now in my life, I have a long way to go but I'm glad I listened to the spirit tell me there were things about myself I needed to do so that I could quit wasting time and find serenity now.

His Grace-Dr. Lettieri

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

His Grace / Dr. Lettieri

This will be a really raw post. REAL life is happening over here in my head. I keep thinking about the times I begged the Lord to take all my heartaches away, let me feel the sunshine all the time. I felt I'd done my share of trying and hardship--I should have gotten an A+ on that report card.

Once I'd forgiven those in my life who truly belittled and hurt me and then took the time to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I felt I had paid the price and was done. I heard this quote the other day

“When you face adversity, you need to remind yourself that whatever is trying to defeat you could very well be what God will use to promote you.”

The quote struck me so deeply with the spirit that I had to rewind several times to ensure I heard it correctly. The truth is, I am a strong person, sometimes brave, but very weak in so many ways. 

The death of Sheldon really gave me so much perspective. Although he and I had talked about death and the possibilities of leaving so much behind, we also recognized the weakness of this world. One time we talked about whether or not doctors are as brilliant as we all think they are. Never a day goes by that I don't think about Sheldon. What is he doing? The peace he is feeling, no more pain, doctors, or shadows to hide under. I want to find that place. I find peace so many times in knowing all these sleepless nights and bittersweet feelings I have will all be taken away. Of course, I don't want my children or grandchildren to feel the pain of having me gone, but knowing our lives are eternal gives me pleasure. 

I know this life is such a twinkle in His eye. The life after this life is eternal, I will have plenty of memories to make with my grandchildren, and I will not miss a thing. Keeping my eyes and thoughts on eternity gives me sight when I think I can't see past today.

With the Lord, I have no hiding places to rest. He truly knows my heartache. When no one else seems to 'get it,' He hears me and knows how I feel--that pain is hard for me. I know it must penetrate His heart, knowing He cannot take it away until it is my 'time' to go. The problem is, there are times I want it to be my 'time' There are times I get such anxiety and feel a need to be in that happy place I used to fill my days with. 

I was between appointments at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa Hospital the other day. I needed new pillowcases; mine are blood-stained and bleached beyond repair. I went into a TJMaxx, I had my head wrapped, and an older woman approached me and asked if I had gotten lip injections. I was not feeling well but was still so taken back by her question I just stared at her for a few seconds before I replied, "Ummm...no" I wanted to be classy and walk off without saying what I wanted to, but she wouldn't let it go, she had Margie with her (I'm assuming it was a friend) as I started to walk off she said, "wait, you must have had a facelift?" I laughed as much as I could without it hurting, "Again, NO" She was relentlessly following me around the store. Remember, this was only a 2 day post 2nd surgery. I let loose on a stranger....."Listen, if I had just had lip injections or facelift, I would tell you to stay away from this plastic surgeon, seriously ladies look at my face, I can't move my lips to talk, and I have lumps the size of marbles all over my cheeks, so with all due respect I'm going through a series of UNWANTED surgeries, I'm vulnerable and need you to back off" she looked at Margie and said "Well, she obviously doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her facelift" ....ugh.

I paid for my pillowcases and sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, saying out loud, "Why? Why do I get the coo coo's?"  I can honestly say at this point in my life, I am not opposed to women or men getting elective surgery. I had a breast lift years ago after having babies. However, at this point in my life, I am DONE with surgeries that are not necessary. This last surgery #25, has weakened me. My immune system is the lowest it's been. I have leakage from the Perotid gland in my face (a salivary gland situated at the base of each ear.) If not attended to can cause significant infection and all kinds of problems. Doctor Lettieri injected my left cheek with 200 mg of medical-grade Botox to try and scar up the surrounding area and get that gland to stop leaking. My take on BOTOX? I'm not sure if this is the same type of Botox women and men get for cosmetic reasons, but there in no way in HELL I would ever do that for cosmetics--it seriously bruised and hurt very badly. I think he said there were about 30-40 injections. My face looked like a roadmap from Phoenix to New York, with the permanent purple markings and the shots themselves. The bruising is just now turning that beautiful shade of yellow-green. I can't seem to get my energy back. I'm tired all the time. Some of my medicines were changed I may need to reevaluate that decision made by my doctor.

I often hear people say, "You are so strong," "I couldn't do what you do," and "You're such an inspiration." What is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show others are indeed the answer to the quote above, which struck me  deeply. He is using me and my adversities to promote we can survive hard times. We are in the grace of his hands.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015

What is good enough?

I don't ever want to offend or hurt anyone, but really at the end of the day I am who I am.

It’s time to care less. Yep, that’s right. So many times I take the world on my own shoulders, and instead of making the world a better place, all I end up doing is creating more stress for myself.

I've kind of always danced to my own beat. Been dumb. Done whatever I have to, but I've had to learn not to take on what others think. It’s my life, my decisions, and my choices. Some people love to judge, and why should I care if they do? I'm the only one who can define myself, so I let them be amused if it makes them happy. When I care too much about what others say, I'm wasting time on them instead of putting that effort into myself.

We all make mistakes and mess up in life. That’s just how life goes. It's taken me years to stop being hard on myself. Accept that everyone gets it wrong sometimes; it’s part of the human condition. You really are allowed to cut yourself some slack. Learn to forgive yourself more often.

FAILURE The big “F” word that everyone fears. It doesn’t have to be a scary concept. However,  ultimately, it depends on your opinion and attitude to failure. If you see failure as not being perfect, you will be permanently miserable. A more realistic idea of failure is giving up. If you haven’t given up, you haven’t failed. I  see failure as a learning curve, a trial and error process. See failure as your friend – it’s no big deal unless you allow it to be.

I have often worried about what I don't have rather than what blessings and gifts I've been given. The human default position tends to err on the side of lack rather than abundance, which is not conducive to feeling carefree. I have often focused on what I don’t have and end up feeling thoroughly deprived. What’s the point of that? I often tell myself to focus on what I have and leave the negatives of what I don’t have alone. Why should I  want to torture myself with all the things I don’t have? That type of thinking will not serve me in any productive way at all. I made a list of all the things in my life that I appreciate. Eric taught me many years ago that there will always be others with more and less. What you have is enough. Over the years, I've come to realize how actual those words are. I don't think ambition and money have anything to do with this,. I've met people who seem to think money is evil, but that is not actual. It's what you do with that money that can become evil.    

I have driven myself crazy, worrying about what might happen in the future. No one can predict the future, and there is no point in torturing myself unnecessarily about things that may never come to pass. I have to remind myself that this type of worry wastes energy and distracts from what is really important. It's hard, but I face worry head-on – if I can do something in the present moment,  I go for it. If not, I'll distract myself and put those worries on a shelf for another day.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY, “I’LL BE HAPPY WHEN…?”  I THINK WHEN WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL BE HAPPY ONCE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, WE EFFECTIVELY PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL THE EVENT HAPPENS. WISHING OUR CURRENT LIFE WERE DIFFERENT IS A PRECIOUS WASTE OF HAPPY MOMENTS IN LIFE. LIFE IS SHORT LIVE  IN THE MOMENT MORE AND CARE LESS ABOUT BEING HAPPY IN THE FUTURE. DECIDE TO BE HAPPY NOW. HAPPINESS IS NOT A DESTINATION; IT'S A MANNER OF TRAVELING.

Those who either read my blog or know me personally, know that I say I will live and die with no regrets. Regret is a part of life. The past cannot be undone, so it pays to look at what you have done in life philosophically. Did you learn something from it? If you knew never to do it again or to try a different approach, you’ve had a positive result. NOT A REGRET Accept what has gone before, make allowances for human error and move on. I refuse to live my life with regret; if we are honest with ourselves, we know when it's time to apologize or to forgive.

A part of me is so afraid of rejection that I stay in my comfort zone and never risk true intimacy. This past year I've been trying to wear my heart on my sleeve and risk being vulnerable. The more I hide out of fear, the greater the fear will grow. I'm trying hard to show myself I can express my feelings and live with the consequences. I can conquer the fear of rejection in this way and feel more carefree. Even if the outcome is not as expected, I will soon realize that it wasn’t as bad as anticipated and that I can deal with it. My daily affirmations and goals have helped me be a little more thick skinned, be brave and see life as an adventure.

I am not one who has bought into society's expectations of be thin, be beautiful. Show off your wealth and status and then you’ll be adored. What nonsense. When you like and accept yourself as you are, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. I don’t buy into the constant media images of perfection. Most of the images are airbrushed and lead us to believe that we should all look as perfect. I try not to take it to heart. We all like to see perfect images, but should not lose sight of the fact that most of it is digitally enhanced and not natural. Love yourself, imperfections and all. Self acceptance is true freedom. It's been almost a year since my partial facial paralysis forced me to come to the fact that I am never going to be the picture perfect woman, but has also taught me to soften my heart and listen with intentionality when others are struggling with these same issues, especially the youth of today. Don't mistake my thoughts with me thinking it's ok to be unhealthy--I just believe we each know when we are doing our best to look and be the best we can be. With that said, we also know when we could do a little more, not for society's view of perfection but for our own sense of approval. You are the only one who can make that decision.

Being good enough, is it enough? It’s easy to feel that we don’t measure up somehow. We live in a competitive world. It’s okay and even healthy to want to improve and grow as a person. It becomes unhealthy, though, when we internalize negative ideas about how we aren’t good enough, or we compare ourselves to the successful marriage next door, or the sports car parked in your brothers driveway. Always challenge this type of thinking. What is “good enough”? Where is the international rule book that clarifies what “good enough” is? As long as you feel happy with who you are, where you are and how far you have come, that is all that matters.

I don't know about you but I have  worried unnecessarily and created inner misery for myself over the years. Worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I can honestly say these have usually ended up being my biggest blessings, and growing experiences. Time is not endless, for me I've learned and understand from experiences this life will end, we all will die eventually. I am in that last act of my life, I want it to have a happily ever after ending--beginning my new journey with a smile and a feeling of accomplishment. Leaving a footprint big enough for my grandchildren to be proud to follow in.

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I AM

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions. I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February. Kaitlyn is so cute and pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father. They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me. It's too difficult to be away from my family. After my last surgery in December, I have not heard back from them. This makes me nervous. We have been told several times that there is a small window of opportunity when working with a nerve. After discussing my feelings with Heather and Doctor Barrs, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic. He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic but resides here in Arizona. He works at the Maricopa County Hospital and surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and FridaFridays blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will have another surgery on February 8 feel good about the procedure Dr. Lettieri will perform. With this first surgery, I will have a much longer, more risky surgery in a few months. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU. I am at peace with our decision. I know I will be questioned about why I am going through more surgeries. Several people have already told me that if my doctor wants to do any more, I should say to them no. It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now. I am not a quitter; I am strong and willing to do whatever it takes to regain my smile. Vain? I am not fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know I will have regrets if I don't try, and that window closes. I choose to leave this life with no shame. Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go, but until then, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out that only 2% of people with a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or Bell's palsy. Most of those patients have a complete restoration of facial paralysis. My nerve is dead. It is not returning to life, not with therapy or standing in front of the mirror daily, begging facial muscles to move. There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this. There are no support groups. I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends. I have shed more tears over this than ever over my cancer diagnosis. I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel. I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make; they are difficult.

Most of us, including me, have this conception of ourselves. None of us want to think we are concerned with the look on our faces. I am here to tell you unless you have been through this, a part of that 2%, you do not know how you would handle it. This has messed with my head and made me doubt myself. I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you. The fact is, I am part of that 2%, and I do have to deal with it. This may take years for me to feel comfortable. So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International. It has been a year now since I made that decision. Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world, and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, I reconnected with friends.

Little, my life's best decisions were to with self-development. I know, without a doubt, the Lord was watching me. He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level wholly different than I ever imagined I could. Happiness comes from within; it is a process of finding yourself. I am in that process now. I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis. They have helped me along this road of self-awareness. My friends, who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded in my heart; I love them eternally.

I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need to thrive and grow right now. I feel a part of something special; the philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I think is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life. This is so much more than money for me, and I can make a difference and help others do the same. Right now, this is where I need to be. I have relied on the Lord for 5 years to make the correct decisions. I will not turn my back on the feelings I have now. I know He is with me and blessing me along this journey. I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, a daughter of God, an influence, and important, I am going to survive, and I am choosing the right.