SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2014
What is a Saint?
When I think of someone as a Saint, my mind immediately goes to Viola Williams, Eric's Mom. In my eyes, she could do no wrong; she actively would seek out the weak and weary and take them into her home for comfort from their worldly worries. The knock on the door was often in the early morning or late night, but she never turned anyone away; she loved unconditionally. Life to her was beautiful; she was raised in humble circumstances, served a mission in Hawaii, and married the love of her life Ray Williams. Ray was a postal worker, and she was an accountant. I never saw them quarrel; they learned the art of laughter and happiness together as they struggled through life's challenges together; I miss them both dearly. I look to Vi as my ultimate example and know without a doubt I will feel her loving arms around me again when I leave this life and start my new journey.
Someone recently told me, "You are a saint." To that person, I said, "I am not a Saint unless you think of a Saint as a sinner who just keeps trying to be better than they were the day before."
Honestly, I keep tracing the steps of where I've been these past 5 years and cannot comprehend how I've been able to continue on. I read some of my old blog posts, and I can see the Lord's handwriting those words; he has been with me every step.
With this past trial, I am trying to deal with, I feel very vulnerable; it's hard to speak sometimes to people, my eyes tear up. The aching of this is so real to me; I remember not getting the Villain out of my head; it was a day-to-day struggle, fighting to stay alive. I have poured out my heart and soul to the Lord, sometimes feeling his loving arms around me and sometimes deserted and alone. The feeling of peace and knowing His grace remains with me has certainly gotten me through some unbearable times.
While talking to Doctor Northfelt, I told him it's hard for me to look in the mirror and be ok with what I see. This is a change even I have to get used to seeing; right now, I am dealing with it my way. It's hard to feel attractive for my husband; I wonder if I am sexy to him anymore. Will I be able to live with this face if I have to? I asked Eric if he is embarrassed to walk with me or hold my hand in public; I knew his answer, but I still needed to ask. This transitional period is challenging, very hard. I'm grateful for Dr. Northfelt; although I shared with him not all of what I just transferred here, he is always so good at listening.
The people who know me know my heart, which has not changed. I sometimes feel lonely; when I was going through chemo and radiation, I had a support group, people I could talk to who were either going through it themselves or had already been down that road. We all had similar feelings and could help each other get through the bad days. I don't have anyone to talk to; I don't know anyone who has been through this life-altering trauma. I do my best to keep positive, but smiling is tricky because it looks so weird; one side smiles while the other is "normal" Even when I am happy, I catch a glimpse of what I look like when I smile and it is hideous to look at. So this leaves me in a predicament, do I never smile or laugh again? No, it does mean that I need to learn to smile with my eyes, and listen with my heart, knowing others who love me don't see that ugly smile. They see the heart of the same ole' 'say it like it is' Monya.
I quit trying to understand why or how this happened. I instead have been focusing on happiness; what does happiness mean to me? In December, after my 1st ear surgery, a dear friend called me and invited me to a Nerium event, the 1st three times, I said I'd be there but either forgot, or simply didn't want to know what it was. I don't remember, but Shelli reminds me of it. Finally, she invited Eric and me to the Barrett Jackson event; I didn't want to go, but Eric wanted to get me out of the house. I was still feeling post-surgical pain, so I sat with the girls in Shelli's Nerium boot; II sat and observed (you know how I love to people watch) there were a ton of men coming up and buying this cream at the time I thought they were probably just coming back because all of these girls are drop dead gorgeous. I observed the interaction these girls had with people, then I was approached by Liz Decker. She said, "so what do you know about Nerium?" I said, "Nothing, but I want in, it's time for me to get out of this cancer world, and I heard you mention you are all going to St Louis in April; sign me up for that too; I need a girls trip" I went to St. Louis had an incredible time watching person after person serve and help each other. It really was quite impressive; EVERYONE was so happy. This was precisely what I needed, get out of my cancer world and start living my life with friends I had excluded because of my diagnosis. Shortly late,r I had the emergency surgeries at Mayo Clinic, all those Nerium people came to visit me; that pierced my heart, knowing these people are REALLY genuine. Then when I went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks, they supported me and kept in touch. I continued to share my thoughts about Nerium with people and even shared enough to sign up a partner from a bed with my computer. I gave out Live Happy Magazines to everyone; day by day, I could see and feel myself gaining confidence in who I am again. I was welcomed back with open arms and tearful eyes when I came home. We took off again just where I left off, not skipping a beat or feeling vulnerable at all with them; my face is different; II thought it would be a deterrent and was afraid to face them; this is an excellent anti-aging company promoting beauty and looking younger, how in the world can I represent them? Now that I look back on that, I can see the Lord's hand leading me and guiding me to this place I thought I could never be in again. With that, I have to say "thank you" to all my Nerium Family, who has truly loved me like family. I may not be moving as quickly as I had goal initially, I've learned the goal is still the same, the timing is just different, and finally, I've learned that those who genuinely love you will never leave you; this, my friends are unconditional love, so Saint I may never be, but trying to be better day by day, yes I can do that.
