Frenchie 💘

                            *** I Can't Live Without You Frenchie***

    

Frenchie in France

 

You're the MOM

     Eric brought me home from the hospital on the evening of Nov 19th. On Tuesday, the 29th of November, I drove him to the surgery center, just a mile from my house. I wasn't allowed to go back with him until he went into surgery like he always did with me. Before he returned, we hugged and said, "I love you; see you soon." 

    I went home, waiting for the surgery center to call and say all was fine, and I never heard from them. Eric called me and said the center decided to keep him one more night. They had been giving him fluids, but he could not go to the bathroom. I asked about his chest pain and if he still had acid reflux. He said yes, but they were giving him Prilosec. We talked until he fell asleep, and I said, "I love you too; see you soon."

    When he got home, his face was white; he said he was lightheaded, but he could not sit or lie down. We walked during the night, and I could see he was in pain. I ordered smoothies for both of us in the morning, and he said it made him feel better. I told him I had to get my blood taken and I'd be back in an hour. I asked him if he thought he would be okay if I left him for the tests. He told me to go and that he would be ok. I handed him his phone; his walker was next to his recliner, but he hadn't slept all night, so I asked him if he wanted half of something to help him sleep for a while. Looking back on this, I am not one to live with regrets, but this was the biggest regret of my life, I wish I'd never left him.

    I wasn't home in an hour; the doctor's receptionist told me I was late and that my appointment was at Thunderbird Mayo Clinic. This was not a close drive, I worried about leaving Eric, but went against my judgment and left for the appointment. My daughter Kayla went to check on Eric. Then she called me back to tell me she had called 911. I was already on my way home but could not drive fast enough, my heart was racing, and I was scared.

    I made it home with firetrucks, an ambulance, and one officer, and my heart was beating as they rushed him to the emergency room: Kayla drove me there. When they got oxygen on him, he said he felt much better. We were there for several hours, and his blood pressure was going too low, then too high. He was able to speak to us and was coherent. I called Clarence Schaub and Kyhl Powell and asked if they could bless Eric. He loves them, so he was happy when they arrived. Soon after that, Kayla came back, and the ER personnel said it would be better if I left and got some sleep because it would be a while for his room to be ready. Eric begged me to go home with someone else; I told him Kayla had brought me and would take me home but that I really didn't want to leave him like this, I didn't want this to be the last time I could talk to him. Eric assured me he was well cared for, I teared up saying, "I don't want this to be our last conversation." Eric told me to stop talking like that, he would be fine.

    At 2:36 am, I received a call saying they had intubated him, and he was in an induced medical coma, and now he was in the Heart Hospital next door, but there are strict visiting hours in the ICU. I could not go until 9:00 am and waiting for that long was challenging. The last thing I said before I came home from the ER was, I begged Eric to let me stay; he said, "No, you are still recovering, I love you, but I'm in good hands and feel better. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, "I love you."

        When I first looked at Eric, I cried. He looked so vulnerable, and I KNOW he was scared when he couldn't breathe. Someone from my family is always with him. 

    The cardiologist, Dr. Greene came into the waiting area and was trying to talk to me, but Kaitlyn kept asking questions and standing in front of me while trying to give me information about Eric. He finally asked who she was, she said she was his daughter and he told her he needed to talk to me as his wife and Power of Attorney. Dr. Greene told us that Eric's arteries were completely blocked and calcified. It was possible that Eric had been having many little heart attacks over the years, and obviously didn't know about it. The doctor tried to cut through it with three different scalpels but could not budge it. He told us we were keeping him on life support to see if he could wake on his own, but if he came out of the coma and could breathe on his own, he had a long road ahead of him. I tried so hard to keep my emotions to myself but felt like I was not being respected by my children, Kaitlyn was rolling her eyes at every question I had for the doctor. She has had a problem with me for a few years, and I lost control of my emotions. I asked why she rolled her eyes at me, and her answer was "I roll my eyes at everyone." I continued in a harsh manner to ask her why she didn't like me, and why she was so mean to me. It started a horrible loud argument. The doctor could not tell us my husband who I have been with for over 40 years would make it through the night. It scared me so badly; Eric and I have always trusted each other but we have never discussed his investments. I knew about insurance and investments he and I had invested together, but I knew there were investments he made, and I did not want to lose anything Eric had worked on and loved so much, Eric is all about buying low and selling high.  My oldest daughter Kayla, said, "I can't believe you are worried about money when your husband could be dying. All you care about is Dad's money." ' I told her I know exactly how much money I will get from insurance Dad has always been good about keeping that up to date. From early in our marriage until now. I was talking about his investments and not knowing how to take care of any of that. How could she say something like that, my husband may be her Dad but she has no idea what goes through a woman's head when she thinks her husband is going to die. 

      It is now December, and I am hopeful Eric will make it through this and that even if we have to celebrate in the hospital I would, because this is his favorite time of year. When I'd get home at night there were always boxes from Amazon to bring in. I was trying to be aware of those to make sure each one of our grandchildren got a bean bag for themselves Dad and I thought that would be an easy gift and that the children would love it. When I opened them, I realized two were going to be too little for Recker and Ezra and I needed to return these and get bigger chairs for them. I had one day to do that so it would get to my house by Christmas. Then the next day I thought it would be a better day with Eric and with my children, but I was wrong. 

      I whispered to Eric how much I needed him and that I knew he was with his mom and dad, but not to get too comfortable up there because his family needed him, and that he and I still have a lot of life together. I played some songs from my phone quietly next to his ear. "I don't think I can do life without you, please come back to me."     

     In the waiting room was another story, I tried to be less combative but when Kaitlyn pulled her shirt over and said to me, "Look Mom, I don't have any garments on." She was trying to get a rise out of me. I said to her, "And...?" Why would I care if she had garments on? I knew she was trying to start something, so I said to her, "Why do you hate me so much?" Wrong question, I heard everything I have ever done wrong to her. Then I told her how she had hurt me too. This started an argument, Kayla told me, "But you're the mom." I wish I had a nickel every time I've heard that from her. Now I've heard it from all my girls. 

     Does that mean, my children are allowed to hurt my feelings, and be disrespectful and unkind just because I am their mother?  Kayla told me she is Autistic, and that one threw me for a loop as her mother I wondered why I didn't know about this when she was younger. I wanted to know what her doctor told her, and she blew up at me, she said, "So you think I'm lying? I don't have to show you my medical records." Because there is a lack of communication within our family I had no idea why she would be so angry, she was a mother of three boys, one with severe nonverbal Autism and one on the spectrum but he is high functioning. After that argument, I didn't hear from her for a year. When we finally did talk to me she tried to tell me how I was supposed to talk to her now. Okay, I agree with boundaries, but this was more than that, I was supposed to learn a whole new way of speaking to her after 34 years? Overnight, I was expected to speak to her as she requested. Dad and I talked about it and she had never said a word to him, he could speak to her like we always have. Why is he not held to a higher level? Because I'm the mom? She also said to me, "I was abused by someone, and it was in your home?" Very accusatory, I asked where? She said in our house in the Islands, when I asked who it was, she said "It is none of your business." Wow, I wonder if someday, God forbid, she finds out Recker was abused by a respite worker. When I watched him while she worked and she accused me of sexually abusing Recker, seriously? What is wrong with her? I would never touch one of my grandchildren or any child in that way EVER. It was then that I was no longer allowed to watch any of her children. That hurt me so badly, and Dad was angry too of all people in the world why in the hell would she think I would do such an evil thing to my grandchild? After that event, I wouldn't want to be alone with her children for fear she would turn me into CPS for something she 'thought' was real. 

     Back in the hospital waiting room, I decided after Blake started yelling at me that it was time for me to calm down and stay away from Kaitlyn, well actually all my children. Blake and my relationship has always been different than what I had with the girls of course they think he's always been my favorite. I said nothing to him. I know him, he can be as mad at me as he can and it's over, he tells me when I'm out of line, forgiveness is given on both our parts and it's over. My mom said that was exactly how I was growing up. These millennials have a new way of communicating and if it doesn't go their way, even if you are their mom, they are done with you. Kicked me out of their life like a piece of trash. 

     I spent some more time with Eric and then went home. I was crushed again just because I'm the mom. Why couldn't they say, "Mom that really hurt when you said ......" Then we could work on that? Why wait years and years to bring up things I don't even remember as a mother. I don't care what they think I was a good mother, and I am an excellent grandmother. I showed up at the hospital in the morning and all my kids were there, Kayla and Kaitlyn came back from visiting their dad and they said the nurses were doing something so no one could go back for an hour and a half. I watched as they ignored me but were perfectly had to order the right beanbags today. Kayla once again, thinking of herself, turned to me and said, "I can't believe your husband is dying and you are asking about Christmas. I can't talk to you. And I've told you how to speak to me." HUH? I just didn't want her children to be the only ones without a beanbag big enough for them. I guess because I'm the mom, It's not okay to ask questions about Christmas gifts that would have surely hurt their feelings if they got nothing, but it's okay when your dad is dying to be laughing at TIK TOK.

        I stood up to go see Eric and my girls blocked me saying, "Dad doesn't want you here, he said you are trying to kill him." I knew there was no way he said that, we may not be the perfect examples of parents, but Eric and I are in love and have been together for over 40 years. WTF was going on, I just knew Kayla and Kaitlyn had something to do with this, they would hurt me that much to get back at me ... just because I'm the mom. I was so embarrassed I ran to the EXIT to leave, and Haleigh followed me, she said, "Mom do you trust me?" My mind was all over the place. I had no idea what I said to her, but I do trust her. Haleigh is quieter in nature than any of the other children. Haleigh has been through the most with me. She helped take care of me when I was so sick during chemo and radiation, I will always be grateful to her, I ruined her senior year of HS.   

     The next day I came back, and the ICU guard told me I was not allowed in the hospital, that patients were at risk with me there, and especially my husband who thought I wanted to kill him. I said, "I am his POA, I would never hurt him EVER. Who put my name on this list?" She looked at me and said, "Kaitlyn, she is now his POA."   

     I was escorted out by security and asked not to come back. I was crying hysterically, and when I was walking to my car I looked up and saw my children watching me walk to my car.

     So now, I went home and waited for word about my husband but still would not be allowed in the hospital let alone ICU. I was hurt worse than I ever have been and what's worse I knew they didn't care. Blake came by the house that night ringing the doorbell banding on doors wanting to talk to me, but I couldn't, I was in shock still just staring around not knowing what to do next. I'm sorry Blake, I was in a whirlwind of emotions and did not know what to believe. 

      When Eric woke up, Blake called me, told me, and said he would be leaving for a rehab facility in a few days. I asked him if Dad had asked about me, and he said, "No, but you called me while I was in Eric's room and excused himself. When I came back in the room all he had to say was 'Was that mom?' I told him yes, and all he said was "Is she mad?" 

     He was awake and didn't want to know about me? It just didn't seem right, but my kids were in charge and taking over my marriage right before my eyes. I had no idea why he said what he said, I thought he was under life support. Now he's awake and it was obvious that I was not included in any choices about his care. After a couple of months, Haleigh called and wanted to know if Scott and Brian could come over and get his bed for where he was moving. I told her no if he wanted anything from the house, he needed to call me himself.

     And he did within five minutes. I told him unless he talked to me my divorce attorney had said nothing was to be removed from the house, which was no problem because that night someone tried to break in. The next day I went to Home Depot and took a quick course from one of the workers on what the best lock was and how to install them. 

    I told him I spoke with his financial planner that Eric always had me in mind when he made any investments and that it was better under these circumstances for me to take care of as much as I could now. I cried myself to sleep every night, and not once slept in the bed he and I shared.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

    When I sat at home alone, I thought about how we didn't have a will written since my first daughter was born; I wasn't worried about money. He and I have discussed the insurance each of us would get if the other passed. But one thing we have never really talked about was his investments. I knew he had many, all with my name on them. Eric loves selling; his passion is getting a deal on the property, then turning around and making twice as much. I tried to explain to my kids I know the insurance policy on myself, my kids, and grandchildren-they will be taken care of. But they seemed angry at me for talking about dad's money; I told them this isn't about money. I have yet to learn about his investments. I've just always trusted him as a businessman. He never had to ask me about investments because I knew he wouldn't buy anything unless he knew we'd make money on it.

XOXO Monya BonBon

Meningitis

Eric took this at just the right moment.

    I'm on vacation as of 10 minutes ago. Eric is so excited about going away for a few days, as am I. We arrived at our condo in Mexico around 4:00pm. The weather was refreshing with a slight breeze from the ocean. The resort was quiet, and most importantly we found a great parking spot, Eric is having his second hip replaced on Tuesday, and we will have a few days to enjoy being together. Lately I've been so busy trying to finish "Pebbles in my Pocket," learning to let go of the things you can't control." and the "Happiness Junkie, #KindnessMatters. We haven't had much time together and we wanted time away.

          He rarely complains, but since his last surgery, he has had terrible acid reflexes that sound like they hurt. He said it hurt his chest. We stayed in the condominium but had so much fun lying on the sofa watching movies and keeping up on the Local Government election. We ate popcorn, snacks, and sandwiches for dinner, and then we went out.

           We had intimate conversations about the trials we have had and how after 40+ years we have served one another, forgiven one another, and learned more about each other, as far as our wants and needs we began writing our goals for 2023. We talked about our children, each one of them. Eric and I did our best to raise four responsible adults. Now it is their time to live the life they want and what makes them happy.

        We are both looking toward retirement and have written our goals for the next five years. He is so excited to start building our home in Mexico and selling a few condos, and then He surprised me with the layout of the house in Mexico and wanted to know my advice. Together we changed a few things, like bedroom sizes, bathroom placement, etc.

        On Monday, I woke up unable to balance, I ran into walls, and my right eye looked infected and bright red. I had a migraine like I've never had and eventually started having some hallucinations, people looked short, fat, and pregnant, even the men. I took a migraine medicine to hopefully help the pain as we drove from Mexico to the Mayo Clinic. On the way home, I spoke with Dr. Lettieri since it looked like it was an eye infection. I asked if we should come to County Hospital or Mayo Clinic. He said Mayo since the Maricopa Hospital does not have an ophthalmologist in the ER. then asked Eric to text him with an update from Mayo Clinic.

        In the Emergency Room, I was taken for a CT scan, lots of drug testing, and ordered an MRI. By now, my hallucinations were constant with my eyes open or closed. I could not take any pain medication because they did not want to alter the results, and medicines can do that. I was given a spinal tap, and I thought about my youngest granddaughter Florence, she has spina bifida, and I wondered how many times in her life she would have to do this. It helped me to stay still so the doctor could do this spinal tap quickly.

        I didn't get to my room until around 3:00 a.m. I texted Dr. Lettieri knowing he would be up and getting ready for work. Dr. Lettieri was in surgery at Mayo when I updated him. He came from surgery to check on me. He knows my story from the beginning to now. He found out who my Neurosurgeon was on duty and gave him the background. He told my neuro team this had nothing to do with my eye. Eric and I love Dr. Lettieri, Eric is always saying how lucky we are to have him on speed dial as we have had to use him several times. The Neurosurgeon respects Dr. Lettieri and was glad he called him so they could eliminate the eye as the main reason for the migraine and hallucinations.

        That night they took me in for the MRI around 10:00 pm. I asked Eric to go home, it's a long ride for him, and I wanted him to get home safely. He didn't want to leave, but I knew his hip was hurting, and he needed rest.

        The MRI was less than a fun time, I had to wear a mask in a tube that was already claustrophobic. It really scared me, so I closed my eyes and suffered through it. When they pulled me out to administer the contrast and dye. I asked if I could take off the mask, and the technician said since I did not move a muscle during the first round, it was okay for me to keep the mask off and it made an enormous difference. The pounding on my migraine made me throw up several times back to my room, and for the next couple of days...still had no pain medicine.

        Dr. Hasan, who is on my neurologist team, came into my room with Kayla and Eric, she finally had a diagnosis, I had viral meningitis. The swelling between my brain and the lining of the brain was infected and swollen, and this was what the hallucinations were coming from. Kaitlyn once again debated with a neurosurgeon through our family text. I did not have my phone, but Eric was reading it to me. Since Florence has spina bifida, she said the spinal fluid would not explain the slurred speech and hallucinations. It really hurt when Eric read that to me, A nurse happened to be in the room and then told my neurology team what she heard. She also heard me ask Eric if he thinks they all think I'm crazy, and he answered, "Yes."

            Dr. Hasan came to my bedside after Eric and Kayla left for the night. She held my hand and said the nurse told her about the conversation. She said, "I don't care if your family thinks you're crazy; you tell them what is happening to you, and the things you see are as real as they can be." Dr. Hassan said it is normal, and they've seen it before with meningitis patients. I thanked her for telling me this was normal. They ran every street drug test they could and knew I was not on drugs or that no alcohol use had happened. When the surgeon came in, he said Dr. Lettieri told him what was happening had nothing to do with any of the surgeries he had done. I also asked him to read the family text thread and tell me how to answer my daughter without causing more problems. His answer was, "I didn't get my degree from Google." I realized he read it the way I did like she doubted me without me saying anything about the contention this daughter has had about me for years. I decided it was not worth addressing, so I let it go. I just want peace and love in our family. But I was glad to know she was checking on me, I really think she doesn't like me.

        I felt like I couldn't get anyone to believe what I was seeing on the walls, ceiling, and floors. I asked Eric "Do you think the doctors think I'm crazy?" and he said, "I'm pretty sure they do, but I've known you longer than anyone. This is not normal behavior for you and yes, I believe you."

        The neurologist explained to me that from the spinal tap, they did the first night, they knew it was meningitis. Then they grew cultures from the fluid of the spine. I was told after the MRI my brain looked 'beautiful', and the infection was not in my eye it was in the brain area. They told me Meningitis is either Bacterial or Viral, one not worse than the other, simply different procedures to treat. If someone comes into the ER with bacterial Meningitis, they send them home with antibiotics. When it is Viral, they must first find out the source of where it is coming from, which showed in between the brain lining and the brain, for it can take 10 days to clear up, but they've seen three months of recovery. They said I could not return to work when I was released. I spent most of my vacation in the hospital.

I took another 13 days for MLOA from American Airlines. I'm nervous about Eric's surgery tomorrow. Since his first hip surgery in August, he's had chest pains and horrible acid reflexes. 

He has cared for me as my caregiver for so long, and now I will have a chance to serve him when he comes home tomorrow.

XOXO Monya Bonbon

Still no news from Eric

 I received a phone call from Haleigh asking me if she could get the hospital bed for Dad and that he was not coming home. He is going to her rental just behind her home. I told her, "No, if your dad wants the bed, then he will call me. I've been advised not to allow any of you in our home, and the locks are changed." She said, "Okay." and hung up the phone.

Eric called me back and asked for the bed; I told him I had contacted a divorce attorney and that I was advised not to let anyone from my family enter my home under the circumstances. I asked Eric why he would tell anyone I was trying to kill him? His answer was exactly what I thought it would be. He said, "I don't remember; I was coming out of anesthesia." I said, "So, for over a month, we have not spoken. You woke up and didn't ask for me? I am your wife, and I thought your best friend. Did the kids say something to you about me to influence you?" He eventually told me that Kaitlyn and Kayla told him I left him at our home to die and that he didn't want any stress. Then he said, "I need that bed, or I can't leave." I told him it was fine for them to get the bed. 

This is my family, always blaming mom or dad for their unruly behavior. All of them but Blake and Haleigh. Haleigh was a dream child. Blake was kind and gave the best hugs, but we went through a challenging time when he was not obeying our house rules. He and Eric butted heads. It was difficult to watch. Eric always wants things his way, but he does not realize that our children, especially Blake at that time, needed love and acceptance from us; he needed our help and to show our unconditional love.

I miss Eric. I wish I could understand all this chaos in my soul. I continue to pray and ask for answers. I don't believe Eric wants to divorce me, but at this time, I'm heartbroken not seeing him or holding his hand, and all he says to me is, "I don't remember." He is not acting like I thought he would during this. Maybe we need to see a therapist, I'll ask Eric if that is an option when I talk to him next.