I Love This Time of Year

 Last year, I wanted to know if Frenchie would make it through one more night. He did, and he has worked so hard this year on getting healthy that he's lost over 100 pounds. He loves to walk, and we both eat clean. I, too, have lost some weight. 

Today, I invited the grandchildren over who could come, which ended up being Weslie and Zeek. We decorated gingerbread houses, played outside, and then played some games inside. I don't know how I got so blessed, but these little ones always teach me something. Today, Weslie and her dad worked on her gingerbread house, and little Zeek decided that it was no fun, so he headed to the toy room for some trucks and balls.

I missed having my other grandchildren here who couldn't make it. Haleigh and Scott, with little Senabun and Ellis, couldn't be here, but I really missed them. Ellis is just so cute, and little Sena reminds me of Haleigh when she was three years old. Damn, that feels like yesterday. I can't believe how fast time goes by. Haleigh is thirty years old, almost thirty-one. Will I be around when Sena is thirty-one?

Christmas is always better with children around. Eric is in Mexico. He's been there for a week, and I miss him. The Lukeville border is closed due to too many migrants entering the country. The border patrol, which is normally at Lukeville, will be dispersed to other areas. So, no going in and no coming out.

He is on his way home and called me from the San Luis border this morning. I'm looking forward to snuggling on the sofa and watching a Christmas movie. The weather is beautiful in Arizona right now, and I will enjoy it while we have it.

The holidays are my favorite time of year. The family gathers together to talk about what we are more grateful for. We enjoy the music, movies, treats, and each other during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I always miss my children who can't be here with us, but I understand it's a busy time, and they have other family to be with.

Cute little Weslie 7 years old

Weslie

Blake and Weslie

Myself, Zeek three years old and Blake

I can do hard things

 I've had to make some tough decisions about my mental health and how Kayla and Kaitlyn have affected me this past year.

    I miss them but have decided for my own mental health. It's been a year since I had to hear Kayla call me disgusting and a text from Kaitly saying I'm awful. I have sincerely apologized, taken responsibility, and put myself through shame as a mother and seen a therapist. I realize they have boundaries, So I have to consider them acquaintances. They were in my first circle and are now considered in my third circle. I must let them have their boundaries and realize I do not have any control over other people's thoughts and feelings; their perceptions are different than mine, but I respect their perspectives because I finally figured out two things during therapy with Eric.

Kayla

1. I was a mess when I was pregnant with Kayla. Eric was so embarrassed he didn't want to see me. I cried every day for nine months, the shame I had to feel going to work pregnant, and everyone knew I was not married and that Eric and I were not seeing each other. Eric didn't help with the money; I took what little money I had across the street to Pic n Save to get cans of vegetables just to keep up with my nutrition. Eric asked his office if I would call to tell me he was not there (Before Cellphones). Being alone for nine months of pregnancy, living alone was very depressing. I had a lot of anxiety, shame, and disappointment in myself for giving in to Eric. I worried about how I would care for myself and the baby. It was so scary. I tried to save money but barely made enough to pay for my apartment. I never talked to my mom and dad until I was eight months pregnant. I was at their home, and my mom asked me how Ray felt about this. I had to tell her, "I don't know, I'm sure he doesn't know." She picked up the phone and called Eric's dad to tell him he would be a grandfather in a month. He was quiet but definitely did not know about the pregnancy. Eric only told me, "You cannot have the baby on August 17th because I am getting an award for real estate, and I have to be there." On the day of my ultrasound, he said he would be there but never showed up.

On the morning of August 17th, I called my mom at 3 am, and she stayed on the phone with me to count the minutes between contractions. When they got to 5 minutes apart, she told me to call Eric and have him come and pick me up. I called him, and surprisingly, he answered. He said he couldn't get me; I told him I would drive to his condo, across the street from the hospital where I would be delivering. The drive was, to say the least, HARD, having contractions and trying to drive in rush hour traffic. When I arrived, I lay on his sofa. He was upset that I was having a baby on the day he was honored. He was cold and nervous about what he would say in his speech, so I tried to ignore what he said and did. I labored for about 6 hours alone; I would call the hospital, and they would tell me to wait just a little bit longer. The pain was so bad. Having my first baby, I really didn't know what to expect. My mom never called again, and I couldn't get to the phone on the wall in the kitchen. I didn't think she had Eric's phone number. I wanted her with me. I just wanted my mom to reassure me I would be okay and that I hadn't been forgotten. I prayed a lot but felt unworthy of it or His love since I had committed the worst sin other than murder. The pain still came, but I needed to be brave. I needed to be strong for my baby. During those hours alone in labor, I will never forget how lonely I was. I knew the pain wasn't going away, so I cried a lot, knowing no one would see my weakness.

When Eric arrived home after his award ceremony, he changed his clothes and showed me his award. I couldn't care less; my contractions were 2 minutes apart, and he had no idea how to comfort me. I don't think he wanted to comfort me. The physical pain, on top of his self-pride, was more than I could process at the time. I told him he needed to take me to the hospital. He didn't help me to the car. At the hospital, he was in the delivery room. The nurses told him how to help me and how to breathe with me while in contractions, and he did well. When the doctor told me I had a new baby daughter, I was overwhelmed with unconditional love when they placed her on my chest. I remember kissing her and saying, "I love you," and promising I would always be there for her. It was a relief to have her here physically okay, with ten fingers and ten toes, but I was unsure how I would make it through this. The nurses brought her to me to nurse, but I wasn't ready. I told them I needed time. I gave Kayla my last name because I had no idea what was next and did not want any problems with him trying to take her someday.

What was interesting was when my mom and dad came, and eventually, Eric's dad and Betty Eric went into this weird, almost politician-like mood. He pretended he had been with me through not only the last 9 months but the labor I was in at his condo. It was as if he knew every detail of the past months, but he knew nothing. 

When I went home with my new little bundle of joy, I was alone but not lonely; now, I could hold and play with my baby. I nursed her until it was time to go back to work. I cried when I dropped her off at Sonya's house but was grateful to her for helping me. I have yet to hear from Eric. Kayla had colic, and I thought it would never end. I had to take her in my car so the neighbors wouldn't complain. I'd be up all night, then go home and prepare for work. I was exhausted. One night, I drove her to Eric's home (he moved to Chandler). I think it was two or three in the morning, and when he answered the door, I placed my crying baby in his arms and told him it was his turn and I needed sleep. He had no idea what to do but said, "I can't do this. I have to go to work." I slept as much as I could and had no idea how he kept her quiet, but she was asleep next to him on his waterbed in the morning. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like for us to be married and do this parenting together.

When Kayla was two months old, I was in a car accident. They had to take Kayla out of the car with the jaws of life. Kayla was screaming, and my heart ached for her. When the firefighters finally got her out, she was all smiles. My car was totaled. I don't remember how we got home. When I called Eric, I couldn't contact him, so I called his office. The secretary told me he was on a trip to Spain and would not be home for another week.

This is when I knew I had to let go of Eric and move forward with Kayla. I wrestled with the idea of her not having a father figure in her life. It would never be Gary, and I had yet to hear from Ray. Someone I knew years ago called me (I'm sure he got my phone from my mom.) He wanted to visit me; I told him it was not a good idea because I had a baby and was unmarried. He said, "I know, but I still want to visit you." I agreed, and Dave came to my apartment. I hadn't seen him for so long, so I asked what he was doing now. He said, "I'm an anesthesiologist." I laughed and said, "I guess you bought that Porsche with that money?" He said he'd been practicing in Phoenix for several years now; I remembered then that he was quite a bit older than I was. He visited Kayla and me as much as he could. As weeks went on, I have yet to hear from Eric. One night, he called when Dave was there. He wanted to come over, and I told him no, I was visiting with a friend. It killed me to say that to him; I loved him still and wanted us to be a family. Eric drove over anyway; when he knocked on the door, I stepped outside and told him, "I asked you not to come over." He said, "Who is in there with you?" I told him it was a friend, and he said, "A friend that drives a Porsche?" "I don't have to tell you that." He was angry when I wouldn't let him in the apartment. Dave came out and said, "I can see this is not a good time, Monya; I put Kayla to bed. I will talk to you tomorrow." That did not go well with Eric, but I stood my ground and said goodbye.

Dave started discussing marriage and adopting Kayla; he wanted to take us to the Temple. I didn't love him and thought he was moving too fast. Kayla was only four months old. I never loved anyone like I loved Eric, but then I started to doubt myself and wondered if I loved his parents more than him. I called Eric and told him that Kayla had my last name and that Dave was discussing marriage. Eric was livid; he told me he would take her to Europe with him, and I'd never see her or him again if I did that. I wanted to laugh because he would not know how to take care of her, and maybe he needed some time alone with her to see how hard it was to be alone and raise a baby...he had no idea. Besides, how would he obtain a passport for Kayla? I hung up, saying, "Eric, I've given you six years of my life, and not once have you been serious about marriage. I'm still in love with you, but I can't do this with you anymore. I have a baby to think of, and it would be good to realize you have a daughter and stop hiding it from everyone."

One night, he came over to my apartment and wanted to talk. I allowed him to come in; he held Kayla until she cried, then quickly handed her back to me. After I nursed and put Kayla to bed, Eric was still there. He tried to kiss me, and I turned away; I told him no, but he pushed himself on me. I remember pushing him away and saying, "No, I will not do that anymore with you." He didn't listen through my tears. I was so glad to see him leave and get a restraining order on him. The next month, when my cycle didn't come, I went to Pic and Save and bought a pregnancy test. I sat on my bathroom floor and cried; I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I was devastated.

How could I let this happen? Should I even tell Eric? What about Dave? I am a terrible person; I'm a sinner, and God will never forgive what I have done. I called Eric, angrier than scared to tell him. He didn't believe me until I reminded him of that night. After a month passed and he hadn't called, I knew I would be doing this again with two children. Kayla would cry when she saw me cry, so I tried to cry after she was dropped off and I was on my way to work. There was no way I could love another child like I did Kayla; I took her everywhere with me. Abortion was out of the question; I didn't believe in that.

Eric came to the apartment one night, and I saw he was distraught. I let him in, and he told me he would pick me up in the morning, and we would marry. I laughed at him and said, "Why should I believe you'll show up this time." So many times, he had said that to me, and I would wait and not hear from him for days. He said, "I need to tell you something first." Without going into all the details, he told me he had been intimate with two other girls. When he told me one of them was when I was in the accident with Kayla and that he had won a trip for two to Spain, he took her with him. I stood up and said, "Get out of here. I never want to see you again." he said, "But we were on a break." This made me madder; I said, "We were on a BREAK?? Did you forget to tell these girls you had a child? Just get out of my apartment. I can't hear any more of this." Before he left, he said, "Monya, I could never marry you without telling you about the other girls." I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The following day, I was getting ready for work and trying to get Kayla ready when a knock was on my door. It was Eric in a suit and tie. I said, "What are you doing here? I'm going to be late for work." He said, "I came to get you. We are getting married today." "Yeah, right; really, what do you want?" He cried and said, "I am marrying you today."

We went to the courthouse in Phoenix and stood before a judge, where we were married. It was surreal to have waited six years and finally be married. Our first year of marriage was really hard. Every time Eric was late getting home from work, I wondered if he was cheating on me. I also felt like maybe he didn't really love me, and that was why it took him so long.

Family is Everything

 We just arrived home from two days in Mexico; having a retreat like our condo to go to any time we want and just chill and get to know each other again is so nice. We are all evolving in our lives, so as we get older, things and thoughts change. Eric and I are in harmony with what we want today!! We have plans for our future, but tomorrow might come later. Life and every breath we take are but a moment in time, and that breath can be taken at any time or anywhere you are. We choose to move forward, remain with healthy friends who want to be with us and see the good in all we do. 

It is a process, but you can retrain your brain. It is physically possible for our brain waves to bring in conscious thinking. Stop living in a Subconscious world where most people are stuck. I know how to do that, except for one thing that takes me time- my children. They will always be on my mind. How can I make things better? What did I do so wrong that they never want to see me or allow me around their children? I've done all I can do, and if my two daughters think I'm disgusting, which is what they have both said to me. I will not change their minds, but I can change mine. It's an arduous process, but I will succeed. That does not mean I won't think of them fondly as I see pictures of them or their children, but they have boundaries, and I will support what they need and want for their families.

In the meantime, we will enjoy what we have and let go of what we cannot control. We have four beautiful grandchildren who know us well and want to be around us. I love that both their parents can forgive and move on with us. My first granddaughter, Blake, and Chloe's daughter, Weslie, teach me something new every time I see her. She is kind and gentle, and no matter what, she will always be part of my life, as will her younger brother Zeek, who loves me and tells me every chance he gets. With this family, I can be myself and not feel like I am walking on eggshells with every word I say. Chloe has become my daughter; I have spent more time talking with her than any of my children. It was easy to open up to her. She is my vault when I need to talk. I love and adore her.

Scott and Haleigh have a boy and a girl, Ellis and Sena. They are so sweet and have made boundaries for themselves. We are not allowed to hug them; they don't like that kind of affection, which is okay with Papa and Bonbon. Eric's family taught me how to show affection by hugging everyone they knew. So, I am a hugger, but I've learned from them that they will say "no" when we ask for hugs. Now that Haleigh has explained to us. Eric and I are learning that not everyone has to hug to show affection. They always say, "No, thank you, Bonbon." Then, they are off for their next adventure. I Love that they know what they are comfortable with and what they are not comfortable with. But I still need help opening up with Haleigh and would like to know if Scott likes us. He is so quiet when we are around. Eric and I are so proud of him and grateful he is part of our family. Haleigh and Scott have a beautiful family. 

ZEEK.... You silly goose

                                        Blake & Chloe Williams Family

                                          Wesley....Our little Princess

Sena, age 4 Beautiful Girl

Haleigh & Scott Bigelow Family

Ellis ... Oh so Cute

 

Ruptured Implant

     Eric and I were in Mexico not too long ago, and I was lying by the pool. Some boys were tossing a ball back and forth to each other when the ball went next to my chair; I stood up and tripped on one of the other balls next to my chair. I instantly lost balance, which is not hard to do. I landed on a small concrete wall; the edge of the wall was precisely under my breast on the left side. It hurt; I thought I had broken a rib, and my breath was taken away. 

    When the pain didn't go away after a few weeks, I thought I may have ruptured one of the implants I received during reconstruction when I had breast cancer. First, I called Dr. Kreymerman; you know who he is if you've followed my blog; if not, Dr. Kreymerman or (PK) was the fantastic surgeon who did all my reconstruction. He has since moved from Arizona and is now living in North Carolina with his cute family. We talked briefly, and then he referred me to another doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona.

    I sat in the exam room with a robe on, waiting for the doctor. I instantly recognized him. I told him I thought I had broken an implant; he sat in his chair, looked at my breasts, and said, "No, they are fine." I told him I was worried because silicone can get into your body and really do damage to your major organs. I said, "I thought implants were supposed to be exchanged every ten years, and breast cancer patients don't pay." He stopped me and said there was nothing wrong with my breast and that the ten-year rule did not apply any longer. I stared at him, unsure what to say: no x-ray, no CT scan? The Mayo Clinic has always been comprehensive with cancer patients. I got dressed and left.

    I called Eric from the car, and he said, "What ...? That is weird; how does he know nothing is broken if they don't do a proper exam?" I told him it was frustrating and that my ribs were still in pain after 6 weeks, but perhaps I was wrong, and the implants were OK. I started checking online for another doctor and little did I know there is a team of doctors at Southwest Breast Aesthetics who only work with breast cancer patients' reconstruction. I called them, told them my worries, and made an appointment. I would be seeing Dr. Mino. I liked him immediately, and you know how I feel about surgeons. If I don't think they are confident ... I am done. Dr. Mino examined me properly and said if my ribs were still hurting after a month, there was a possibility of a problem. I set up my subsequent surgery with him. On November 3rd, I had surgery with him at Scottsdale Hospital. 

    My left breast implant ruptured. Dr. Mino said the surgery took longer than usual because the silicone was floating around in my breast cavity. He also advised us he had to go smaller because he could not stretch the thin skin around the implant. The skin was radiated and usually gets really thin, so that part was normal. I didn't care about being a smaller size; I've always wanted to have smaller breasts. 

    I'm grateful to Dr. Kreymerman for the excellent care he gave me at Mayo Clinic, but not so much in the new surgeon I met with.

Cruise from Quebec

Eric and I left on a Fall Leaves Cruise on October 9th. When we arrived at our hotel in Quebec and turned on the television, we were saddened to see Israel was attacked by Hamas, a terrorist group within Quebec. In Canada, they do not censor their news, and I was sickened. 

We watched babies' heads being chopped off and women being raped; I saw a mom wrapped up with her child alive in barbwire and then lit on fire. Hamas is in Satan's world. This was a surprise attack, and Israel is beyond angry. They are ready to get their revenge, not that I believe in turning the other cheek, but what is wrong with our world? This is not the world I grew up in.

Growing up, we were never afraid of playing in the streets with the neighbors at night. We played kick the can, hide and seek, and other innocent games every summer. Right now, the United States is hesitantly supporting Israel. Our President Biden has yet to make a statement other than one expressing support from the United States. This attack was not an attack from another country. It is a terrorist group within Israel. There is nothing militant about this; it was a slaughter I cannot unsee. I guess we will wait and see over the next month what is going to happen, but you don't mess with Israel. They want revenge. Hamas is holding hostages, and some of them are Americans. Israel has announced anyone living near Gaza needs to get out because they are going to get to Hamas. 

Our vacation started hearing this awful news, but we had a wonderful time.  

The best Lobster Rolls ever, oh, and clam chowder

Awesome restaurant

Eric and I have never been to Nova Scotia

and we loved it.

We love all the Lighthouses

we saw along the way.

I just love him so much.

Maine

 

The best husband ever

We needed help choosing where to eat.

We had a perfect time on the cruise through Quebec, Nova Scotia, Portland, Maine, and Boston. Being with Frenchie on vacation makes me so happy; we laugh and enjoy our time together. 

XOXO Monya 

I Make Mistakes Over & Over Again

 

I’ve been so down lately; I have made many mistakes as a mother that I wish I could rewind. I have considered myself a good mother; I love my four children and my beautiful ten grandchildren. Since Eric’s heart attack, I have not spoken to two of my daughters. My heart is broken over it. 

The Lord sees my mistakes; he knows my failures and my successes. Sometimes, I daydream about being perfect in every way, but then I think about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The sacrifice that was made by Him for me helps me to understand. Every one of us makes mistakes. Sometimes, they are small, and sometimes there are big ones. They could be accidental, unintentional, and even careless. We even repeat mistakes. I have made mistakes that are hard to get over and move past. I struggle in prayer, asking for forgiveness daily, and nothing changes. I texted my daughter, telling her I was sorry and asking her to forgive me. I sometimes miss her so much that my heart hurts. I fear I’ve lost both of my daughters this time.

Unfortunately, there is no way around making mistakes, so we came to earth and got a body. Our environment, upbringing, the people we associate with, and choices can be debilitating. Although there really is no way around any of us making mistakes, there is a way through it. Our Savior!!

He knows how to lift me when I fail and forgive me when I fall. The Savior is the only way to make me stronger and a better person. Heavenly Father can restore my faith and hope and bring me peace.

He asks us to ‘Come unto Him,’ and he will give us rest. When I was a little girl, I heard this scripture and wondered, “What does that mean?” Now, as an adult, I understand. Just because we make mistakes does not mean all is well in our little worlds. When we hurt people, it is up to them to forgive; they may never forgive, and we must be okay with that. I want to rest; I want a second chance. I know the Lord forgives me repeatedly for the mistakes I make; now, it is up to me to forgive myself.

Forgiving myself for mistakes and things I have said or done to hurt my children is one of the hardest things ever. Never in my life did I ever imagine I could hurt one of my children so badly that they would never want to talk to me again. It is more than I can handle. Because I believe in Christ and my life’s purpose, I can only continue to pray and ask Him to forgive me. I doubt this will be the last time I have to ask forgiveness. All I can do now is wait and continue to pray their hearts will be softened to their mother and forgive me. 

I hope they don’t have to carry this burden when I die. But that is part of the plan; they will have to forgive themselves one day, too. I heard a song today that reminded me of the promises made.

•  It’s not about being perfect.
• That’s not what makes us strong or brave.
• It’s about getting back up.
• Forgiving ourselves and other people and then moving on.

The only way to forgive myself is to realize I was never a perfect mother or wife. But I did the best I could with what I was taught, and I don't care who you are, there is not a perfect mom or dad anywhere.

I get these thoughts and feelings about what my children think of me, and then I remember what David Byrd taught me: thoughts and feelings are not facts.

I wish all moms and dads could understand we do our best, and the rest is up to the Lord; he will figure it all out after we are gone. None of this bickering is getting anywhere we all have been hurt by a sharp tongue, and some of us choose to let it go because we know it was said out of anger, and most importantly we are a family.

Monya