Divine Connections

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015

Divine Connections

God knows every hair on my head. He knows who I am, and he knows what my future is. With this knowledge, I should have no fear. If I trust in the Lord, there should be no doubt of His love for me.
Living entirely in faith, knowing he will lead and guide me, is hard sometimes. I know He has my plan already mapped out. I've said so many times nothing happens by mistake. People come and go in my life for a reason, and I've made divine connections with some incredible individuals.

At Cleveland Clinic last summer, I met a woman named Darlene Ballard. I sat in the waiting area, feeling vulnerable and weak. I looked to my right, and she was sitting with her friend (I believe). I noticed Darlene right away. Her eye was completely shut. Without hesitation, I walked over and sat beside her. "Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your eye?" I knew I was taking a risk by asking such a bold question. Perhaps she was not like me. Would she be offended? I'm so glad I decided to speak with her. She turned to me, and immediately I felt something, a bond. "Of course, I don't mind." Darlene continued to tell me why her eye was closed. She had a benign tumor. It wrapped around her eye. Although she was elated the diagnosis was not favorable for cancer, this was and is a significant trial to overcome. Her journey with this unexpected burden will not soon be over. In fact, she will probably deal with this for the rest of her life. She explained that the surgeon could not get all the tumors, even after a grueling surgery. She was positive. She showed me her eye was beginning to open just a bit. I asked her if her eye would ever wholly open. Darlene said her surgeon told her it would open.

Last Sunday night, I received a phone call from Darlene. She was simply calling to check on me. We talked for quite a while. She has had another surgery since I last saw her. She explained it would take several surgeries to get the entire tumor. I believe she came into my life for a divine purpose. Sometimes the Lord closes a door so that another one can open. I know there is no support group for losing a nerve. However, Darlene and I have struggled with similar feelings and emotions. It is my pleasure to call her my new friend. I will continue to pray for her full recovery.

I've learned I cannot force things in my life to happen; I can't manipulate God and his timing. He brings the right people into my life, so I can weed out the wrong. This sounds strong. The truth is there will always be good and evil in life. We cannot know the good without experiencing the bad. We can only see the light if we have experienced the darkness.

My dear friend Sheldon passed away this week. I made a divine connection with him. I will always be grateful for that connection. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. I was diagnosed in 2009. Over these past 5 and a half years, we connected on a different level than I could with other people. Sometimes all I needed to do was turn around during church to meet his eye; at that moment, we both knew. I could see in his face if he was having a good or bad week. Today, my immediate prompting was to turn and see if he was there. Sheldon was a quiet giant; I never heard him complain. We shared moments, thoughts, and feelings about oncologists, medicine, chemo, and side effects. He had a great love for his family. He deeply loved his wife Kit and his children Estee, Noah, Peri, and Chloe. I often listened to him share his feelings about each one of his children. He didn't want Kit to deal with the effects of cancer and often took it all on himself. Kit was an incredible caregiver and strength for him. She was well aware of his care and was always concerned. She made sure Sheldon ate clean and healthy. I was always impressed at how well she balanced everything in her life. I understood him wanting to do things his way. I have felt those feelings of concern for my own family.   There have been many times I have chosen to not tell my family what is happening in my world at Mayo Clinic. I think this is normal for many people who deal with life-altering events.

I will be eternally grateful for the divine connections I have made. With my Heavenly Father, this connection has been invaluable. As I continue the journey of life, I will always recognize a prompting to introduce myself, find a friend or share a moment.

I AM

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions. I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February. Kaitlyn is so cute and pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father. They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me. It's too difficult to be away from my family. After my last surgery in December, I have not heard back from them. This makes me nervous. We have been told several times that there is a small window of opportunity when working with a nerve. After discussing my feelings with Heather and Doctor Barrs, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic. He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic but resides here in Arizona. He works at the Maricopa County Hospital and surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and FridaFridays blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will have another surgery on February 8 feel good about the procedure Dr. Lettieri will perform. With this first surgery, I will have a much longer, more risky surgery in a few months. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU. I am at peace with our decision. I know I will be questioned about why I am going through more surgeries. Several people have already told me that if my doctor wants to do any more, I should say to them no. It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now. I am not a quitter; I am strong and willing to do whatever it takes to regain my smile. Vain? I am not fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know I will have regrets if I don't try, and that window closes. I choose to leave this life with no shame. Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go, but until then, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out that only 2% of people with a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or Bell's palsy. Most of those patients have a complete restoration of facial paralysis. My nerve is dead. It is not returning to life, not with therapy or standing in front of the mirror daily, begging facial muscles to move. There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this. There are no support groups. I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends. I have shed more tears over this than ever over my cancer diagnosis. I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel. I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make; they are difficult.

Most of us, including me, have this conception of ourselves. None of us want to think we are concerned with the look on our faces. I am here to tell you unless you have been through this, a part of that 2%, you do not know how you would handle it. This has messed with my head and made me doubt myself. I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you. The fact is, I am part of that 2%, and I do have to deal with it. This may take years for me to feel comfortable. So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International. It has been a year now since I made that decision. Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world, and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, I reconnected with friends.

Little, my life's best decisions were to with self-development. I know, without a doubt, the Lord was watching me. He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level wholly different than I ever imagined I could. Happiness comes from within; it is a process of finding yourself. I am in that process now. I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis. They have helped me along this road of self-awareness. My friends, who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded in my heart; I love them eternally.

I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need to thrive and grow right now. I feel a part of something special; the philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I think is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life. This is so much more than money for me, and I can make a difference and help others do the same. Right now, this is where I need to be. I have relied on the Lord for 5 years to make the correct decisions. I will not turn my back on the feelings I have now. I know He is with me and blessing me along this journey. I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, a daughter of God, an influence, and important, I am going to survive, and I am choosing the right.

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was a reality I have a tough time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd-looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as being drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "... I would not, actually I WILL not have elective surgery, which was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had five this year, and thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good. Except for the right side is a little off-centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have great intentions and that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life. The fact that I am alive, back to work, and trying my best to be OK with myself; not the physical me but who I am. The parts of inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess has been a long ongoing process." The tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to stay composed. ...Since the facial paralysis, I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I care to share. I'm working hard at Living Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no ... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic surgeons out there who can help you."

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and me but, as much as I didn't want this to affect me, it did.  When I got off work, I went home and looked at my face in the mirror, and like I do every day I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes-- it was funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up repeatedly.  I did that, saying "Smile dang it ..."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So, until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will try again.

My Favorite Things

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014

My Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES ... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on my age, the people in my life at the time, and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl, I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white. I will never forget seeing the movie for the first time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkeys, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows. When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

New Baby Boy (Phoenix)

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014

New Baby Boy
What is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultrasound too, it sure didn't look like this though. It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.  I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian; they have been married for over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over Daddy daycare...?

He looks just like Brian

Especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our third grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... Well except me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies' room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved; our family is so excited that in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached to knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say goodbye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice is "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race, it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy, and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, and I love you"

I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Blessed Abundantly

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014

Blessed Abundantly

Well, I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what was coming up, I focused on more positive thoughts. If you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one; please send me your address; it costs you nothing, but it will enhance your life tremendously; I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments. It is freezing here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to. Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery; I reassured my surgeon I was flying home on Saturday; his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I needed to be with my family. One remarkable thing is that I am flying in 1st class, drugged up, and hopefully feel no pain.

So many struggles privately; I would be one of them. However, I don't have that pleasure; my obvious insecurity and self-doubt have been public but have helped me develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do, and I HOPE for some relief from your pain.

Life is so full of difficulties; no one is perfect, and no situation is always ideal, but for me, right now, I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person, not an object. I love who I am becoming and realize I have much more to work on. The beauty of this life is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

We all need someone to talk to, someone who really understands. For parts of my life, Sonya and Kris have been my people. Eric, my eternal partner, understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement. Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times, and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, I am blessed in abundance.