DUMP IT

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Dump It

 I’ve kept my mind preoccupied for the past couple of weeks. Instead of worrying about my surgery tomorrow, nothing I do keeps my mind off my mental pain.

I’ve been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us go through times when we are out of options and don’t know where to turn. I try to remember that anytime I don’t see a way out, God will repeatedly make a clear and precise way. I often try to find confidence in Him, remembering He has made promises. I’ve accepted that he will not take it away, so there is no way out but a way through.

I’ve been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope but found out differently by having. In Genesis, there was a time when Moses led the children of Israel out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn’t get far before being close to their enemies, who wanted to enslave them again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:1,3, Moses said, “Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.” Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so the people could move forward on dry land. But that’s not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free. 

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him. I keep standing and believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through difficult situations so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It’s not always easy to do; I am human.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.” There have been times when I’ve felt left out. I’ve been disregarded by people who have overlooked me. But now I always remember the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I chose her. She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth, I was told, “You’re just too tall or too skinny,” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel, “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time, Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a lifetime to understand. Those aches were real, but I can see the hand of God in my life by tracing back over those steps. I’m unsure why we hold on to the past so tightly. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself, I pulled into a Land Fill (weird, never been there before--it stinks.)

I parked, poured my heart out to the Lord, and dumped everything holding me back.

Dumped my fears today...

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we do not think something is wrong with us but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer, Heavenly Father says He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never happened.

It’s time for me to dig my heels in. Not allowing what somebody did or didn’t do to steal my joy and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, and not attractive. No, it’s time for me to realize I am a child of God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments but from Him. I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He would take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I’m trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father will always give me the last laugh. I believe he’s trying hard to get me where I’m supposed to be. I may never run that marathon I’ve dreamed of, but God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me. A year ago, I thought I was on the road to recovery, complete healing. I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to full fill. With all my heart, my Heavenly Father is bringing light into my life for a new journey and peace. The person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have difficulty looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. In fact, He knows this will take years of aching, crying, and suffering before I will be ok with that image in the mirror. The knowledge I have learned is this, He never gives up on any of us.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

Begging VS. Believing

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 30, 2015

Begging vs. Believing

When Haleigh was about 13 years old, she asked Eric, "Dad, when I get my driver's license will you buy me a car?"  Eric said, "Yes, we will have a car for you to drive" I remember this because I told Eric, "I wish you wouldn't have promised her a car; we will have to hear about it for 3 years now. What if our situation changes and you can't keep your promise?"  Eric looked at me and said, "I always keep my promises" I dreaded having to listen to Haleigh constantly ask about that car. To my surprise, she never asked again; she talked about how happy she was about the prospect of her driver's license and freedom, but she never asked about the car again.

I have often thought about that. Eric was so confident he could provide a car for her to drive that he felt comfortable making a promise. She believed him; he had never lied to her before. I know Eric well enough to know if Haleigh had continued to bug him about the car for the next 3 years, he would have been hurt or annoyed. The hurt may have come from her not trusting his word. 

I have often asked in Faith for the Lord to heal me. He heard me for the first time and knew the answer before I asked it. The first time he listened to my prayer, the miracle was in motion. He never said it would be easy or quick. What I thought was my question was me begging. He thinks, "Why is she asking me this again? I already answered her. Does she not believe me?"

Lazarus was dead for days when Jesus thanked Heavenly Father for bringing him to life before it happened. My mind tells me some things are impossible. I need to have more Faith and thank Heavenly Father for the answers before they come. Having Faith means I cannot see the answer, but He will provide the solution. The Heavenly Father already knows, and he has given his word. He must feel bad when I beg and plead with him.

 I've been getting all my initial pre-operative work done this week. Did I mention I'm having surgery on February 6? This will be my 23rd surgery in less than 5 years. A huge part of me wants to thoroughly check it out. I'm so done with hospitals, surgery, and doctors. The other side says, "It's not your time yet. I can do all things through Christ."

Trying to find a vein today, the RN asked me, "Do they usually have a hard time finding your veins?" I smiled and politely replied, "Yes, they usually do" She was frustrated, and after the sixth poke, she said, "I'm going to try one more time. If I can't get a drawback, I will get someone to help me" She finally had to take the blood out of the upper part of my arm just below my elbow. Painful? Yes, it was, but I was calm. Before she rolled me into the CT scan, I asked if she would shut my right eyelid. She did; what a job, was my thought. When the contrast entered my body, a sudden warmth penetrated every cell. It was a strange sensation; my fingers tingled, I needed to pee, and my ears burned. This was all done at the Maricopa County Hospital. Dr. Lettieri is employed by the Mayo Clinic in Rochester but does facial trauma surgery at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa. More about him later; I am again blessed with an incredible surgeon.

I left Maricopa Hospital and went to the Mayo Clinic Hospital to finish the rest of my pre-operative work. Time to collapse some more veins. I dreaded going into the blood lab, knowing they would have difficulty finding a vein. After another 7 or 8 pokes, she finally got a smaller needle, which I had asked her to do in the beginning ... No one believed me. She finally found a working vein on the side of my left hand close to my wrist...painful? Umm ... Yes, but grateful she found one. She had tears in her eyes. I told her it was ok, and she said it looked like I had been poked earlier. I told her she said she couldn't believe how calm I was. I left there, sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel, and cried just a little.

I must believe the Lord is on my side; he knows what is best for me. Put it in his hands and let it go. Today, I will thank him for the healing coming my way.

Divine Connections

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015

Divine Connections

God knows every hair on my head. He knows who I am, and he knows what my future is. With this knowledge, I should have no fear. If I trust in the Lord, there should be no doubt of His love for me.
Living entirely in faith, knowing he will lead and guide me, is hard sometimes. I know He has my plan already mapped out. I've said so many times nothing happens by mistake. People come and go in my life for a reason, and I've made divine connections with some incredible individuals.

At Cleveland Clinic last summer, I met a woman named Darlene Ballard. I sat in the waiting area, feeling vulnerable and weak. I looked to my right, and she was sitting with her friend (I believe). I noticed Darlene right away. Her eye was completely shut. Without hesitation, I walked over and sat beside her. "Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your eye?" I knew I was taking a risk by asking such a bold question. Perhaps she was not like me. Would she be offended? I'm so glad I decided to speak with her. She turned to me, and immediately I felt something, a bond. "Of course, I don't mind." Darlene continued to tell me why her eye was closed. She had a benign tumor. It wrapped around her eye. Although she was elated the diagnosis was not favorable for cancer, this was and is a significant trial to overcome. Her journey with this unexpected burden will not soon be over. In fact, she will probably deal with this for the rest of her life. She explained that the surgeon could not get all the tumors, even after a grueling surgery. She was positive. She showed me her eye was beginning to open just a bit. I asked her if her eye would ever wholly open. Darlene said her surgeon told her it would open.

Last Sunday night, I received a phone call from Darlene. She was simply calling to check on me. We talked for quite a while. She has had another surgery since I last saw her. She explained it would take several surgeries to get the entire tumor. I believe she came into my life for a divine purpose. Sometimes the Lord closes a door so that another one can open. I know there is no support group for losing a nerve. However, Darlene and I have struggled with similar feelings and emotions. It is my pleasure to call her my new friend. I will continue to pray for her full recovery.

I've learned I cannot force things in my life to happen; I can't manipulate God and his timing. He brings the right people into my life, so I can weed out the wrong. This sounds strong. The truth is there will always be good and evil in life. We cannot know the good without experiencing the bad. We can only see the light if we have experienced the darkness.

My dear friend Sheldon passed away this week. I made a divine connection with him. I will always be grateful for that connection. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. I was diagnosed in 2009. Over these past 5 and a half years, we connected on a different level than I could with other people. Sometimes all I needed to do was turn around during church to meet his eye; at that moment, we both knew. I could see in his face if he was having a good or bad week. Today, my immediate prompting was to turn and see if he was there. Sheldon was a quiet giant; I never heard him complain. We shared moments, thoughts, and feelings about oncologists, medicine, chemo, and side effects. He had a great love for his family. He deeply loved his wife Kit and his children Estee, Noah, Peri, and Chloe. I often listened to him share his feelings about each one of his children. He didn't want Kit to deal with the effects of cancer and often took it all on himself. Kit was an incredible caregiver and strength for him. She was well aware of his care and was always concerned. She made sure Sheldon ate clean and healthy. I was always impressed at how well she balanced everything in her life. I understood him wanting to do things his way. I have felt those feelings of concern for my own family.   There have been many times I have chosen to not tell my family what is happening in my world at Mayo Clinic. I think this is normal for many people who deal with life-altering events.

I will be eternally grateful for the divine connections I have made. With my Heavenly Father, this connection has been invaluable. As I continue the journey of life, I will always recognize a prompting to introduce myself, find a friend or share a moment.

I AM

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions. I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February. Kaitlyn is so cute and pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father. They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me. It's too difficult to be away from my family. After my last surgery in December, I have not heard back from them. This makes me nervous. We have been told several times that there is a small window of opportunity when working with a nerve. After discussing my feelings with Heather and Doctor Barrs, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic. He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic but resides here in Arizona. He works at the Maricopa County Hospital and surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and FridaFridays blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will have another surgery on February 8 feel good about the procedure Dr. Lettieri will perform. With this first surgery, I will have a much longer, more risky surgery in a few months. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU. I am at peace with our decision. I know I will be questioned about why I am going through more surgeries. Several people have already told me that if my doctor wants to do any more, I should say to them no. It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now. I am not a quitter; I am strong and willing to do whatever it takes to regain my smile. Vain? I am not fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know I will have regrets if I don't try, and that window closes. I choose to leave this life with no shame. Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go, but until then, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out that only 2% of people with a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or Bell's palsy. Most of those patients have a complete restoration of facial paralysis. My nerve is dead. It is not returning to life, not with therapy or standing in front of the mirror daily, begging facial muscles to move. There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this. There are no support groups. I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends. I have shed more tears over this than ever over my cancer diagnosis. I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel. I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make; they are difficult.

Most of us, including me, have this conception of ourselves. None of us want to think we are concerned with the look on our faces. I am here to tell you unless you have been through this, a part of that 2%, you do not know how you would handle it. This has messed with my head and made me doubt myself. I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you. The fact is, I am part of that 2%, and I do have to deal with it. This may take years for me to feel comfortable. So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International. It has been a year now since I made that decision. Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world, and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, I reconnected with friends.

Little, my life's best decisions were to with self-development. I know, without a doubt, the Lord was watching me. He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level wholly different than I ever imagined I could. Happiness comes from within; it is a process of finding yourself. I am in that process now. I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis. They have helped me along this road of self-awareness. My friends, who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded in my heart; I love them eternally.

I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need to thrive and grow right now. I feel a part of something special; the philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I think is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life. This is so much more than money for me, and I can make a difference and help others do the same. Right now, this is where I need to be. I have relied on the Lord for 5 years to make the correct decisions. I will not turn my back on the feelings I have now. I know He is with me and blessing me along this journey. I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, a daughter of God, an influence, and important, I am going to survive, and I am choosing the right.

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was a reality I have a tough time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd-looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as being drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "... I would not, actually I WILL not have elective surgery, which was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had five this year, and thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good. Except for the right side is a little off-centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have great intentions and that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life. The fact that I am alive, back to work, and trying my best to be OK with myself; not the physical me but who I am. The parts of inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess has been a long ongoing process." The tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to stay composed. ...Since the facial paralysis, I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I care to share. I'm working hard at Living Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no ... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic surgeons out there who can help you."

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and me but, as much as I didn't want this to affect me, it did.  When I got off work, I went home and looked at my face in the mirror, and like I do every day I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes-- it was funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up repeatedly.  I did that, saying "Smile dang it ..."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So, until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will try again.

My Favorite Things

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014

My Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES ... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on my age, the people in my life at the time, and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl, I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white. I will never forget seeing the movie for the first time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkeys, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows. When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

New Baby Boy (Phoenix)

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014

New Baby Boy
What is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultrasound too, it sure didn't look like this though. It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.  I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian; they have been married for over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over Daddy daycare...?

He looks just like Brian

Especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our third grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... Well except me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies' room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved; our family is so excited that in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached to knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say goodbye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice is "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race, it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy, and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, and I love you"