Dear Mom

 

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2013

Dear Mom

Today is Sunday, November 17

 Last night I barely slept. My hip pain is getting worse; I just barely had a cortisone shot a month ago--When I spoke to the Oncologist last week, she said I need to get more tests done--YAY, more tests--(sarcasm). Also, the tumor in my head is bleeding out through my ear, and I'm constantly changing the cotton ball--I didn't want to go to church today; in thinking about it, I received an email from my dear friend Carla Kelly, telling me her husband was speaking in church, I invited her to sit with me. The meeting today was beautiful; I loved all the talks revolving around President Monson's talk on adversity in our lives--endure to the end. Carla and her Husband lost a son 2 years ago; it has been a tough time for them, a wrenching pain I don't understand since I have never lost a child. But I remember how hard it was on my mom when she lost her son Lance at age 15. I've decided it's not about the trial or adversity we endure; it's about how strong we are to take those times. We can embrace those storms and come out on the other end a better person, having been through them, or we can become cold, hard-hearted, and let it destroys our lives and the ones we love the most, our family.

Mom, on Halloween, 2013

I know the Lord knows where my hidden places are, and HE will find me there, bring me into the light again and pull me up from the scrapes, bruises, and wounds I feel--HE will heal me.
If I am 100% pure and honest, I am afraid of going to the Funeral. Many people from the West Stake area where I grew up, who, when hearing bits and pieces of our lives years ago, did not believe this could be true--I'm nervous about seeing any of them. I'm hoping this can be put to rest; I want my mom to find some peace that she did not have here on earth for so long. Nothing that happened here on this earth can be changed; I would never change any of it, even as hard as it has been. I prayed for so many years it could and would be different. Still, I've realized all the fears and doubts we all go through are OUR OWN JOURNEY, something we chose together with our Heavenly Father before we came to earth. The faith I have found in myself during these endless, sleepless nights has changed me.   I've seen the hand of God in my life; I've asked for big and small miracles to happen; some have been granted, and most have not. Not because HE does not love me, but because HE loves me THAT much. I am proof that He is REAL; I cannot and will never deny that.

If I could talk to my mom today, I would say...
 Monday, November 18, 2013

Mom, I want to be healed, I want you to know me, I want you to see the woman you helped create. Thank you for giving me life, for staying with me all those times I was in the hospital and didn't want to be alone in the dark as a little girl. Thank you for never saying anything wrong about the Belshe family or my father, who put me in the hospital. Thank you for teaching me how to sew, even if I didn't care for it, thank you for teaching me to bake and love it. Thank you for not allowing me to drink soda and giving me a choice between fruit and candy. Most of all, thank you for remaining true to your faith, taking me to church, and helping me to anchor my testimony in Jesus Christ.

I know you have been in pain for years, and I also know this is so bittersweet for you, leaving three daughters behind with no earthly resolve but being able to go into the arms of Lance, your only son. You and I have been wanting the same things, a loving eternal family. I want you to know I KNOW you did the best you knew how to do.

 Today I went to the funeral home and watched as Kris did your hair. You were always so beautiful to me. I've heard it said, "time heals all wounds" I know time cannot stand still; life goes on. Things get more accessible, but for some reason, I want you to know not a day has gone by since Lance died that I haven't thought about him; now, as I think of him, I will always think of you with a perfect body, no more pain, being able to once again go forward with this next journey of your life, hopefully, happy and able to look down on your middle daughter (bonbon) and finally hear the words.
I LOVE YOU, MOM. I have you to thank for the tears running down my cheeks, but now it's time to wipe those away finally.

 There has been a hole in my heart for too many years; now, it's time to release that pain and reclaim the parts of my life that I have struggled with. I don't blame you; I forgive you, and this place where we call home and life is just passing through. Home is where you are now--no more sorrow or pain--the Lord will take over now and allow you and I both to heal. 

Today mom Died 11/12/2013

 

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2013

Today Mom Died 11/12/13

The time was 8:15 pm on November 12, 2013
It seems weird to write about this, but my feelings are raw and honest, and I need to register for therapy. I always wondered what this would feel like; my mom passed away today. She has been staying in an assisted living home for the past couple of months, only a couple of miles from my house. My sister Sonya got the call from my mom's bishop that mom needed to be placed in assisted living after her last fall, and Sonya decided driving a couple of hours one way every day to take care of her in Phoenix was a little too much for her. Hence, she decided to move mom to this side of town. A few months before my cancer diagnosis, my stepfather, Gary, died, and I was asked by my mother's best friend Susan to please come to the hospital and be with her. I hesitated because besides a couple of hateful letters I had received over the years (one that almost put me in a mental hospital, I have Debbie Slade and President Lesueuer to thank for that not happening), it had at that time already been 17 years since I had any contact with either one of them, per my mother's request. 6 months before Gary died, I was at the Temple and, out of the blue, had a feeling of forgiveness come over me more substantial than I had ever felt before; I searched for an email or someway to contact him and let him know. It simply read:

"Dear Dad, I want you to know I have forgiven you. I have a beautiful family 3 girls and 1 boy. We live in Gilbert, Arizona, and are very happy. I hope you are happy too."  Love Monya.

Within 6 months, he passed away, and I was at his bedside. My choice to be at his bedside did not have much to do with him but more to do with mending the relationship with my mother.

I will never forget walking into that hospital room with my 4 children, my sisters chose not to go, and I never judged them for that; in fact, Sonya begged me not to go; she is very protective over me and knows I get my hopes up, only to be crushed. 

The depression, guilt, and heartache start all over again. She is wise, but I did not listen. I went anyway; it was a tremendously grotesque experience to have my children watch as they pulled the plug on him; it was as if he was fighting to go to the other side; it honestly is what I imagined a person with a demon inside of them trying to get out would look like--I have questioned my motherly instinct on that one for years now.....not a good idea. But the one thing that struck me and has stayed with me over all these years is that my mother showed no emotion whatsoever. I spoke with her bishop and told him Eric and I would be willing to help with whatever arrangements needed to be done, hugged my mom, and said goodbye. The next day she called me to find out about meeting her at the funeral home; I replied, "Yes, mom, I would love to help you; what time would you like me to pick you up?" and then it came, that voice, it rings in my ears I can still hear her "Monya, I still have one more thing I need to say to you...." the sarcasm and stench in her voice let me know this was not going to go well...I quickly responded, "Mom, please not now; your husband just died yesterday. Can we please just let this go? I want a clean start with you."  She abruptly interrupted me and said, "You ruined our lives with your lies, and your father was forgiven for what he did."  obviously my next question was "what was he forgiven for? According to you and he both, he never did anything wrong. This led to a massive bowl of tears on my part, and I immediately called her bishop to tell him this would not work. He would have to get someone else to go to the funeral home and help her tomorrow, one of my kids called Sonya and told her what had happened as I wept like a baby wanting to be coddled by their mother. Sonya took measures into her own hands, called my mom, and, well, let's just say she finally was able to give her a little bit of her own medicine, all in defense of me. I love Sonya for that. A few months later came my cancer diagnosis, and of course, Sonya was protective, not allowing mom to go to the hospital or make life any more stressful than I needed it to be. I simply have put the whole ordeal behind me and not looked back; I knew and still do know that my mother is stubborn, that pride will never allow her to say she's sorry; if she did, then she would have to do something about it, and that was out of the question for her.

Over the past month, I realized while reading the Infinite Atonement that I need to forgive my mother. I have asked myself repeatedly, "How can you forgive your birth father for abandoning you as a little girl?"'How can you forgive the stepdad who abused you but not be able to forgive your own mother?"These questions have haunted me as I have studied the Atonement and tried desperately to comprehend why a mother would walk away from her children and grandchildren and why she stayed with a man who could do such heinous things to her very own flesh and blood. All these years, all I have ever wanted to hear from her was, "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, and I wish it had never happened,"or just "I'm sorry," that would have been sufficient. I was never granted those simple words "I love you."  

One day recently, while at the Temple, I had that overwhelming feeling again that I needed to let her know I had forgiven her. This is all the Lord asks of us, to Love One Another and to forgive as he did. Knowing I am about to have another major surgery, I realized I do have one last regret I need to take care of, I need to let her know how I feel, to let her know I have forgiven her and that I know the Lord will take care of all of this mess one day. I was not expecting anything in return, but my heart had finally been softened enough to acknowledge my weakness in not granting her the forgiveness I have in my heart for all these years of heartache and pain.

Two things happened, 1st I sent a text to my visiting teachers asking them if they would help me, I wanted them to come with me to the assisted living home while I spoke with her,  I felt this was the best way and felt the safest for me personally. I purposefully did not tell my family, not even Eric or Sonya that I was planning this for Friday the 14th this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers Kathi Cluff who I adore and admire so much, she is not only beautiful physically but have always looked to her for an example of true Christ like love. Marian Priday, is my other visiting teacher, I love her and have complete faith and assurance in confidentiality with her knowing she will always give me the best advice and help in anyway she can.

The 2nd thing that happened was last weekend I took my girls to a women's convention in downtown Phoenix called Time Out For Women, there were over 5500 women in attendance. During the very 1st speaker I was so emotional Brad Wilcox was the speaker, he spoke of the Atonement and how to use it in our lives, it felt as though he was speaking to me, and only me, like I was the only one in the room. He said The Atonement is a Gift, no one made or forced Christ to die for our sins, HE chose it.
and this is literally what I wrote in my note book "The spirit is so strong, my heart is pounding, I cannot get my mom off of my mind"  Let go of willpower and rely on HIS power, turn towards HIM-HE is the light. My life end goal of enduring to the end is to become more like HIM, to lead a more Christ like life in all that I do and say.
Can people change?
Not without God-
Alone we will fail-
with God all things are possible-

my next line of notes really hit me tonight--
YES--I can do this-through the Atonement of Christ I can face my fears, I can face my mother, and in the holiest of a pure heart I can tell her "I forgive you" and expect nothing in return.
Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.

Yesterday, I thought about my brother all day, it has been 26 years since his death, he would of been 42 in January. This is a night I will never forget, Veterans Day has always been a special day to me now. That night having to tell my parents their only son had died in their home while they were out of town, was hard. It was a defining moment in my life.

Today, as I sat holding my little grandson, my sister Sonya sent me a text that read "can you talk?" I did not respond knowing Kayla was soon leaving and I just wanted a few more minutes with Ezra. As soon as Kayla left, I got the 2nd text saying my mom was in Banner  Gateway Hospital and for me to come, she was not going to make it--I rushed over there, walked in the solemn room, quiet and with a smell of sickness and death--I stood by her side, told her "Mom, its Monya and I'm here--mom I forgive you" within just a few more very deep breaths the sounds of the flat lines  on the machine went off and she was gone. Sonya, Greg and myself alone in a room with a woman who had caused so much pain in our lives, suddenly I felt the pains of devastation--now I know what that feels like, its not having been abused, that can be fixed and forgiven, its not having cancer, it's a family ripped apart, because of pride,  a daughter of our Heavenly Father wanting so badly to have a relationship with her mother, call her for a recipe, talk about spiritual moments, share the blessings of an eternal family--just ripped in half--all over PRIDE.

 This earth is our school of learning, and I am saying from an authentic place, that I need to pray for myself to heal my heart from the hurt and pain my mom and dad have caused--help change ME--don't worry anymore about changing HER--The Atonement will allow all of me to change for good--I choose to be authentic, I choose to forgive, I choose to live like the Savior.

Today, if I am absolutely authentic, I had so many emotions go through me--why? why? couldn't my mom say "I'm sorry?" Why, was I not given 2 more days to express my feelings to her? Was the Lord protecting me from more pain? When the disciples prayed with Christ in his last days they were filled with desire--am I filled with desire? what is that desire? Because when I am sitting in this hospital room I want to scream out loud, I'm so mad. After everyone left, I asked if I could have a few minutes with my mom. My sisters Sonya and Kris had spent much time with her the past couple of months, and even they were ready to move on and go. When the door shut, I asked Eric to stay with me, I held my moms hand, talked about how small she was, 88 pounds, and kissed her on the forehead, with a final "I forgive you" Eric and I held her hand and he offered one of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard, I did not expect that from him, he has always had such pain and anger towards my parents for what they had put me through, but tonight that side of him was gone and the spirit of healing began. I wept, and could not control my emotions--so this is how this feels...

Fall Leaves, Ocean Views

 

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2013

Fall leaves, Ocean Views

I have wanted to take Eric to see the Fall leaves for years. The last time I visited was with a good friend many years ago, and I loved the trip. Eric is not a wintry weather guy, so this was not on his trip bucket list. However, he had a wonderful time and could not believe the beauty surrounding us as we drove through Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. Now I think we will be making this trip every year... There was so much to see and little time to do it all.

Williams Port Light House

Beautiful homes on the beach. I want to play with Recker here.

Loved all the Lighthouses

Lobster Rolls--Famous

It's hard to find this kind of beauty in AZ.

Loved wearing my boots and beanie--winter clothes

Loved all the covered bridges too.

He looks warm enough !!

My Favorite part of the trip...seeing our sweet Chelsea Cloward.

Just how I love it--no one on the beach but me and Eric The Hampton's

Fenway Park, original seats

Fenway Park, original home plates

Eric taking the moment

Dr. Kreymerman Leaves Mayo Clinic

 

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2013

Dr. Kreymerman Leaves Mayo Clinic

Dr. Kreymerman, is leaving Mayo Clinic and moving to North Carolina.  His family has already moved, and Friday will be his last day at The Mayo Clinic.  Those of you who contact me via email about doctors to use for reconstruction--HE IS THE BEST--and if you live closer to NC, you are in luck--email me, and I will give you information about his practice.
I will never be able to say enough 'Thanks You's' to him; he has been an excellent doctor for me.  Although this seems to be a good move for him and his sweet family. I, along with many other patients he has treated, will miss him. 
Family is so important. This move for him will bring him closer to his parents and in-laws. I know his wife Rakhi is happy to be closer to her family.  Good Blessings are on their way to North Carolina. We will miss you in Arizona.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman, Me, and Heather Lucas P.A.

Saying goodbye is always hard--so I just said, "see you later."

Empty Nose Syndrome

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2013

Empty Nose Syndrome 

September 24, 2013
A year ago, I was hit with a hammer in the head (not literally) doctors found things in my body, too many things and I was not ready to deal with them. I had surgery on my nose to fix the broken septum. I was told the septum broke because of chemo. However, I have had issues with my right nostril since I broke my nose at age fourteen. I think if anything, all chemo did was finally crush it in. I said no to a biopsy, no regrets. I said no to the ear surgery with the BAJA implant, no regrets.  I asked my family to respectfully give me the time I needed. Well, the time has come.

I was encouraged when I saw Dr. Barr's told me my ear looked better. Not as swollen and red, the carcinoma is still in tack.  He asked me questions about proceeding with the Cochlear BAJA procedure for people with SSD (single-sided deafness) While Eric and I were in Tahiti, my right ear started to drain nonstop and without going into too many details, the smell was disgusting. The draining and pain took me back to my childhood. I dealt with this daily for years. I was hesitant to see a new ENT.  Dr. Brian Borland had been my doctor since I was three. The last time I saw him was when I was twenty-nine.

I was referred to Dr. Barr's by another doctor at Mayo Clinic. I love him; although he works in the ENT department, his official title is Otorhinolaryngology. He is one of twelve doctors in the United States who do what he does. I again am blessed not only with another great doctor but one who I can tell loves his patients and has been extremely helpful in explaining everything.

Since the last time I saw him, my eardrum broke again. Unfortunately, this will require more involved surgery.  I was waiting for the ear surgery until I was done with having dental surgery with Dr. Paul Kelly.  This will be my third surgery with him, and I will finish the dental implant.

My first appointment was with Anthony Mendez P.A. He takes care of all the nose issues for Dr. Barr's. He is very compassionate and kind. After some idle chit chat, he asked me some questions about my ear, then my nose. Then came the time--here we go--the moment he sticks 2 sprays in each nostril and then the throat.  To be quite honest it tastes like crap. It made me choke. I presented this young doctor with the question "Do you enjoy looking up at the noses of people all day?" He responded perfectly " I love my job" my reply made him laugh "Well, I guess it's better than other body cavities you could be looking at all day" This created a lot of laughs for him and me. While it was numbing, he showed me my x-ray--the septum is now in line the way it should be. However, to have that happen, the doctor had to take great skill in removing the entire turbinate from the right side of my nose then he said, "Let's just hope you don't have empty nose syndrome. That is an awful diagnosis" He could see the fear on my face and immediately started to backtrack, he said "No worries, it's nothing, let's take a look" 1st, he stuck the camera in my ear so I could see the left ear and the right ear--there it was on the big screen in front of my eyes. Wow, I thought it was a pinhole in my eardrum, Dr. Barr's could go in and fix it easily.  NO, my entire eardrum is blown out in a perfect circular form.  Now for the nose, he 1st looked in the left nose--looked good, no boogers, ha ha--then the right nostril--again, no embarrassing boogies--but an extreme difference from the left. I could see the carcinoma and the hole.  Anthony then gave me the diagnosis we did not want to hear. I have empty nose syndrome. I can hold one nostril closed and still have the air come out of the other, but the blockage feels like it is between my throat and nasal passage. Turbinates are important for the typical person, it sends messages to the brain when something is wrong in your sinus--mine is empty, so, therefore, I cannot control the continual drainage or dryness of my nose--there is no surgery--but he gave me a medication to try daily.

Now on to see Dr. Freeman, my favorite pain physician. He makes me laugh every time I see him. He will be injecting my right hip today and my lower back. My lower back has become a huge issue and has caused me to faint with pain or my knees to buckle up and give out on me because of the pain.

As I am waiting in the "complaining" room today, more typically known as the "waiting" room, all I hear is complaining patients. Today a lady walked up to the sweet receptionist and demanded someone take her back and show her where her Physical Therapy will be (starting in 2 weeks) "I need someone to show it to me NOW!" For some reason, she reminded me of Veruca Salt in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory "No daddy, I want it now" WHOA, lady, back it up and settle down a notch was my thought.  Sitting directly behind me, I could hear the couple arguing about why Mayo Clinic makes them fill out all these papers, none of the other doctors do that...blah blah blah....the lady behind them pipes in and says, "Oh, Mayo Clinic loves to give us all extra work to do while they take up our sweet time in this waiting room waiting for doctors to get back from lunch" I did have to laugh out loud about that statement, I have felt that before too, but I do understand the paperwork on pain related issues they need to know what level of pain you are experiencing now, not 3 months ago.
This woman was so sarcastic and rude to her daughter, who was trying to help her get the papers done as soon as possible. This woman was of no help to her at all--she said at one point, "Just mark all of them. My body hurts" the daughter being as patient as she could, said, "Mom, let's take this slow, is your pain constant but changes in intensity?"  She still continually belittled her daughter, which was frustrating for me. I closed my eyes and wondered who of my children would take care of me, or would they send me alone or with a caregiver? Have I been good enough and kind enough to them that they would want to help me?  Maybe this lady would feel different if she had no one to help her. I'd give anything to have a relationship with my mom. I remember all the prayers on my behalf, all the kind gifts left anonymously on my doorstep. I wonder if I have given more than I've taken. If so I need to work on that one. I hope I never treat anyone like that.

Next is me, as they call my name, I see Dr. Freeman in the hall and say, "Don't make me wait too long." He smiled and said, "Be with you soon." 

When he walked in, he asked me if I was writing in my journal I responded, "Yes, I always do when I come here, good things are happening in your waiting room, and I want to remember them," He said, "I hope you wrote that I am your favorite Doctor, so it's worth listening to all the complainers"  I showed him where I did just that, my 1t line was now I get to see my favorite pain specialists.  As he gave me the injections, I told him, "I don't like you anymore. This really hurts," He said, "But I will be your favorite in a few days, so I'm not worried"  I went off to recover until I was stable enough to walk and drove home.  That is the update more to come in the next few weeks.

What it feels like to have a Stroke

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2013

What it feels like to have a Stroke

When you hear of someone having a TIA, this is a mini-stroke:
A transient ischemic attack (TIA) is a "mini-stroke" from a temporary blockage. Although a TIA doesn't cause permanent brain damage, it may cause stroke warning signs, which may last minutes or even hours. Think of this as a warning sign you shouldn't ignore.

On Friday, July21st I got up and told Eric I was getting a migraine headache. I went to work at Us Airways, and the headache got more intense, and my speech was slurred. I was embarrassed to speak on the phone with passengers because it sounded like I was stuttering. I was trying to get the words out; I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but the brain and the mouth were not communicating with each other.  I take great pride in the fact that I have a very good record with Us Airways not calling in sick or never being late since the day I started. --To most people, it's no big deal, but for me, it's an accomplishment.  Well on this day, July 21st, my headache continued as I spoke with passengers, I took migraine medicine and nothing was working, I simply packed up all my things and left.  On my way home Kaitlyn called and wanted to know if I would like to go to a movie with her and Brian and Blake, I remember that my speech was slurred, but did not think it was as bad as my kids were making it sound.
I drove to the wrong place. By the time I got to where Kailtyn was the right side of my face was completely numb--Blake called Eric, and he told him to get me to the closest ER.  I said "no, I'm fine I just have a headache and need to lay down" Blake then drove me to my primary care doctor who immediately told Blake to get me to the ER asap.  I cannot explain how frustrating it is to want to communicate. Still, the words were not coming out--I was confused and disoriented--The ER doctor was really upsetting me because he was asking about my thyroid, and I was trying to explain it to him. But he kept on telling me I must be confused, that my thyroid was incapable of going from hyper to hypo or the other way around--he said it was physically impossible--NO IT IS NOT--especially if you have Hashimoto's-- I was diagnosed with it a year ago.  I was sent home that night and told to see my neurologist at Mayo asap. I did on the following Monday. I took the films from the ER, plus the films from my last MRI and the new one the doctor did at Mayo, and it was confirmed a TIA.  The stroke I had was an ischemic stroke caused by a blood clot.  A hemorrhagic stroke is caused by bleeding in the brain. Most people die from a hemorrhagic stroke.  Stroke is the 3rd leading cause of death behind heart disease and cancer. If you think someone has had a stroke have them, say a simple sentence for you, raise their hands above their head, and ask them to smile. Call 911 if they have a problem doing any of these.
I have a family history of strokes from my father's side of the family.  To be honest, I have had the right side of my face go numb so many times since my late 20s, but I never thought anything about it.  Since I've had cancer, I am alerted to everything that happens in my body, I'm not paranoid, but I do react when something does not go away.  
I now take medicine daily to help with the TIA's. I have had a couple since that day, but nothing serious.  I think the scariest part of all this, is me driving while this was all going on.  I also did not realize I had left an hour early from work, I have never done anything like that in my life, and did not realize I had done it until I returned to work a few days later--My manager, knowing what had happened to me was so great to just erase that little error from my file--I love working for US Airways they have always been really good with me.  
Although it was a scary event, I'm glad I had my family to help take care of me and had previously told them if any of these warnings happened no matter what I said, that they were to get me to the nearest 
ER--now I know that Mayo has a stroke unit, and if it happens again, I will be heading there.

Monday Mormon Myths and Truths #14

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2013

Monday Mormon Myths and Truths #14

The question I got this week was about the LDS view on abortion:

The LDS position on abortion is very clear: "Members of the church must not submit to, perform, encourage, pay for, or arrange for an abortion. The position stems from our belief in the sanctity of life, that God is the Father of our spirits, and that HE has spirit children who desire to come to earth and receive a physical body, be born, and progress through life on earth.
There are, however, some exceptional circumstances that may justify abortion from an LDS view. They include "when pregnancy results from incest or rape when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth."

When a child is conceived outside of marriage, the Church policy for what to do is to do what is best for the child. The mother and Father together should decide what the best option is. If it is a strong relationship, the mother and Father should marry and work toward establishing an eternal family relationship. Their goal should include having that child sealed to them in a Holy Temple to be a family for time and all eternity. If a successful marriage is unlikely or not an option, they should consider placing the baby up for adoption.

Next question:  How does your church feel about Pornography. since it is such a big part of society now?

This is an obvious answer to me, but I will still give you the word on "Mormon Street" Pornography is considered an influence as destructive to the soul as the black plague was to the body.

It degrades the human body and undermines the purposes of physical intimacy. It often degrades women by objectifying them and demeaning their divine character.
Mormon leadership has spoken out on Pornography in its worldwide general conferences more than 140 times since 1986. So obviously, it is a worldly problem and sometimes can be an easy door opener for Satan to do his magic, especially on the youth. The reason why Mormons take this issue so seriously is that we take the word of God seriously: "Whosoever looketh on women to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). If someone views immoral images, it can create bad thoughts, which leads to sinful desires, actions, passions, and character.

IMMORAL IMAGE +IMMORAL THOUGHTS+IMMORAL DESIRES OR PASSIONS= IMMORAL ACTIONS

Additionally, Pornography can be addicting and take control of a person's life. Mormons believe in avoiding all behaviors that can lead to addiction and diminish a person's ability to control their desires and behavior.
I have seen Pornography get into the minds of the youth and destroy their ability to think of anything else but getting to a computer so they can view the filth that surrounds our country and many others. When I was a young girl, there was no such thing as a computer. If someone had told me back then that we would be able to call someone on a cell phone, I would have told them they were crazy. We had one phone in the house on the kitchen wall. If you wanted to have a semi-private conversation, you had to stretch the cord around the corner, and, just maybe, it would reach a room where you could shut the door to talk to your friends without anyone listening. In the world today, our children, our husbands, and friends have access to the internet 24/7. They can, if they choose, access the pornography sites as much as they want. I am being LDS or not, I do not want that influence in my life.