A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014

A Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude?

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was a reality I have a tough time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd-looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as being drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "... I would not, actually I WILL not have elective surgery, which was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had five this year, and thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good. Except for the right side is a little off-centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have great intentions and that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life. The fact that I am alive, back to work, and trying my best to be OK with myself; not the physical me but who I am. The parts of inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess has been a long ongoing process." The tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to stay composed. ...Since the facial paralysis, I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I care to share. I'm working hard at Living Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no ... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic surgeons out there who can help you."

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and me but, as much as I didn't want this to affect me, it did.  When I got off work, I went home and looked at my face in the mirror, and like I do every day I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes-- it was funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up repeatedly.  I did that, saying "Smile dang it ..."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So, until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will try again.

My Favorite Things

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014

My Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES ... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on my age, the people in my life at the time, and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl, I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white. I will never forget seeing the movie for the first time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkeys, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows. When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

New Baby Boy (Phoenix)

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014

New Baby Boy
What is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultrasound too, it sure didn't look like this though. It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.  I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian; they have been married for over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over Daddy daycare...?

He looks just like Brian

Especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our third grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... Well except me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies' room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved; our family is so excited that in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached to knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say goodbye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice is "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race, it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy, and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, and I love you"

I'm Trying ...

 

I'm trying...

I have missed a few blog posts so today I will post three.  First, I went to Cleveland Clinic, had my surgery with Doctor Gustman, then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him... "You made a mistake on your blog, which was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the miss count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" So there you have it, yes, I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life-altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down-to-earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone in conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes and learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it, and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (This is not the case she had about eight hundred people on that call) I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Gracefully and gently, she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, and who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 months that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful in doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person and to learn that when I fall, I can be lifted and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be led and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where, or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of nowhere he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked, "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to, and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" A little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for complete physical healing.  I have felt broken, alone, and misunderstood. To finally say aloud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physicians have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficulty was?

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful" for some reason that ".... but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul, is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Blessed Abundantly

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014

Blessed Abundantly

Well, I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what was coming up, I focused on more positive thoughts. If you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one; please send me your address; it costs you nothing, but it will enhance your life tremendously; I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments. It is freezing here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to. Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery; I reassured my surgeon I was flying home on Saturday; his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I needed to be with my family. One remarkable thing is that I am flying in 1st class, drugged up, and hopefully feel no pain.

So many struggles privately; I would be one of them. However, I don't have that pleasure; my obvious insecurity and self-doubt have been public but have helped me develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do, and I HOPE for some relief from your pain.

Life is so full of difficulties; no one is perfect, and no situation is always ideal, but for me, right now, I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person, not an object. I love who I am becoming and realize I have much more to work on. The beauty of this life is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

We all need someone to talk to, someone who really understands. For parts of my life, Sonya and Kris have been my people. Eric, my eternal partner, understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement. Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times, and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, I am blessed in abundance.

Brain Scan at Mayo Clinic

 

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2014

Brain Scan-Mayo Clinic

I arrived at Mayo Clinic early this morning, and can I just say that the people who drive to work between 7–8 am every day ... I am so sorry. It was stop-and-go the entire way to Mayo Blvd. I will be getting brain scans every three months. All that really is is an MRI, and 45 minutes of pounding and hammering on my brain--I survived. Not my favorite thing to do, but necessary for Dr. Barrs to see what is going on between my ear and my brain ...not much.

Let me explain this, doozie. When I arrived at the hospital, they took me in to prepare me for the scan. Included in the visit is an IV. I warned the nurse not to use anything less than a twenty-two needle and to not use my left arm, wrist, or hand. She smiled and assured me she knew what she was doing. I then announced, "Please listen to me, I know ..." then she plunged the size 20 needle into my left hand, and immediately I concluded, "you just blew out my vein" The nurse then said, "How did you know what size needle to use?"  "This is not my first rodeo. After 5 years of being poked and prodded, I've learned the left side has no veins left. If you had let me finish before you  stuck me, I would have let you know; my experiences have taught me" She then advised me, "Since you've had a port on your right side, you shouldn't use the right side, I'm sure your oncologist has told you not to use the right side for at least 10 years since your lymph nodes were removed?" "Um, no, he has never told me anything like that" "Who is your oncologist?" I looked up just in time to see a familiar face, and she recognized my face, also. I said, "Lindsay, right?" she hugged me, "Yes, how did you remember my name?" "I'm not sure, I just did, but I'm not sure why or who you are." She said, "I was your nurse on the fifth floor when you had your nerve go dead. How are you doing?" "I am fantastic, except for this blown-out vein ...... just here for a brain scan" "Oh dear, I'm sorry about the vein. Let me see if I can get a smaller needle and use the other hand." The previous nurse disappeared, and Lindsay finished. What a great surprise; I love running into the great staff who have served me over the years.

I love Mayo Clinic because they always have my results on the same day. I ate lunch, then met with Dr. Barrs. He is excellent; he always has a big smile and a sweet, compassionate heart. The brain scan results looked good, the cholesteatoma has no regrowth, and there was a little liquid build-up, but nothing for me to worry about. Dr. Barrs talked to me about facial paralysis; he wanted to know how I dealt with it. It's hard to say I'm OK with it; I'm not. Of course, I wish things were different; I explained I am trying to deal with 'being OK' if the nerve does not fuse back together. I added I'm not used to people looking at me and then quickly looking away. I have gotten to the point that I look away now, so they will not have to be uncomfortable. He then looked at me with a big smile and acknowledged that what I felt was expected but that he loved who I was my personality, and my heart. It was a good boost for me. I needed to hear exactly what he had to say.

I will be going to Cleveland Clinic next week for some more surgery on my eye; I think when I get home, I will finish all the other surgeries at Mayo Clinic.

Trusting

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2014

Trusting

The worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them.
There have been times when my doubt has been as vast as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain. Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two gorgeous boys. Recker is almost 5 years old. It's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be two in February. He's been a spunky, smiley fun baby boy.  These little angels have brought me more joy than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love are contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old, he was diagnosed with Autism. He is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes. The past five years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy. Something I don't even try to understand. All I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would not have made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism. I was so sure he was fine. He was making animal noises, something Recker never did. He could point to the various parts of his body. Again, I don't remember Recker doing that. Over the past few months, Ezra has started to regress. Although Kayla tried her most demanding to prepare us, it could be true. I just didn't want to believe it. Ezra was doing everything differently until he didn't; gradually, he became distant.

Kayla did everything differently with her pregnancy, thinking it might be different. Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did. She did everything differently--Now we know, his diagnosis is a shock to Eric and me, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this.

Recker lives in an extraordinary world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out, I just wanted to scream, "WHY?" I still do. I am hurt, angry, sad, and blessed all at the same time. These mixed emotions have rocked my little world and will take a few days, weeks, or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child to come true. This does not mean they do not love their boys. They love them more than life, but not hearing your child say "mom or dad" is heartbreaking.  They need time to mourn. We all do.

I don't in any way, shape, or form believe these boys are doomed and will not have a future that is anything less than we, as a family, teach them. I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and others. In fact, through their journey, they will be the ones who, against the odds, will teach us. Through their sweet spirits, they will guide us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear, and the unknown, but I know one thing for sure, and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father sends those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is but we have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun. It is misunderstood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism. All I really know is that nothing has changed for me. I love them unconditionally; I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to where I want to be ... HEAVEN.

Dr. and Mrs. Peter Kreymerman is a DADDY

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2015

Dr.Peter Kreymerman is a DADDY

I drove to Mayo this morning to see Dr. Peter Kreymerman, so looking forward to him telling me I could pick up Recker now and that I could get rid of the BRA ... Instead, I was shocked when a different doctor walked in, mostly because he looked like he was 12 years old ... just kidding I think more like 21 ... maybe!

Dr. Peter Kreymerman and his wife had a baby girl on Friday, November 5th at 4:59 p.m. I'm not sure if I can post her name but she is a healthy 6 lbs. 3 oz. baby girl. I got an email from Heather his assistant, and she sent pictures, however, I would never post pictures without permission from Dr. Kreymerman, but I can tell you that she is beautiful, with lots of dark hair dressed in pink. I am quite certain they are not getting much sleep, but that the baby is getting lots of love and attention. There is nothing like having a brand-new baby. They always bring such a sweet spirit to the home. Congratulations Dr. and Mrs. Kreymerman

The truth stings

 

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2014

The truth stings

 I immediately looked to my left when I walked into Mayo Clinic hospital today. This is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her. I remember being jealous, and I wished it had been me. So much has happened since then, I'm not afraid to die, but right now, I'm enjoying my family.

Mayo Clinic "the place."

The nurse came in with Dr. Freeman, asked my name and birth date, and said, "what are we doing for you today?" I replied, "hurting me to take away my pain?" How weird is that statement? They both, not knowing how to respond, said, "where are we going to hurt you today?" laughter "In my hip and lower back" He gives me trigger shots, and when he does, he jiggles the needle around to make sure he gets the entire area around where the initial pain is. Every time he does that, I want to come off the table. Dr. Freeman says, "Almost done; I'm sorry it hurts." I haven't seen him since my surgery in the Spring. 

Recovery, drinking my daily routine

I have been staying busy, working at US Airways; I have the best management and supervisor I could request. They really care. I'm working on being Happy, trying to deal privately with it; if my face must stay the way it is right now, will I be OK with that? I don't expect anyone to understand my feelings, but I am sometimes lonely in THAT world. I have researched partial facial paralysis, gone to the library online, and tried to reach out to anyone who has suffered or is dealing now with this--NOTHING--But I understand a little more about what Dr. Barrs was talking about when he said this is rare for a nerve to just die, with no apparent reason. This is not like having a stroke or Bells Palsy, where the nerve is damaged and WILL eventually snap back; this is a dead nerve, which means it will not live again or regenerate.

This is what a dead nerve looks like--, and it's mine.

Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it would grow together with the nerves on either side. If this works, we will not see any results for a year, and I will get 30% of the facial movement back. If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline, pull my face before, take the nerve from the left side of my head, connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year. I don't want to go through that again. Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me; not getting results or answers is frustrating and want to say "WHY" is sometimes realistic.

Hearing for the first time in 48 years was fantastic; I heard things I'd never heard. Sounds like most people I know take it for granted. That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had; without a doubt, the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby. What I wasn't prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my exciting news, which quickly turned to sadness. Hearing what people say about me hurt me; I knew they would not intentionally hurt me. In fact, none of them knew I could listen to it, and they all were saying it out of love for me--still, the sting of truth hurts. I've been able to get used to going to the store and watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact, but now hearing opinions, I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead, what I heard was, "I feel so sorry for her," "She is so strong," and "Have you ever read her blog?" "I don't think her face is ever going to be the same" "She used to have such a beautiful smile" tear ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from; I'm not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from. We have cubicles where we sit. I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see and took my BAJA off. I haven't worn it to work since that day. 

So proud of Mayo Clinic, this Cancer Center has been in the
works for years, it's getting done, they will have a proton
radiation beam, the only one in the Western part of the
nation. Proton beams are used to radiate certain cancers and
can pinpoint to 99.9%  

I am the one who gets to decide what my destiny is, what my life will be, and who I choose to share my light with. I love my coworkers, family, and friends, but I must be OK with 'me.'
I will decide where I end up, I'm doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do, I can't wear the BAJA. 

    I'm taking it slow because, sitting right now, I'm feeling things I've never felt before. My heart has never beat as hard in my chest as when wearing the BAJA. I feel blessed to know the people around me are my friends; they are kind and loving; at least nothing wrong was said--just the truth--the truth I was unprepared to hear. I need to work on myself and my confidence, eliminate the negative and concentrate on the positive. There's a fire in me that I can never deny. I know He lives, and He loves me. My faith and hope over the years have given me the peace and strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life. However, I've tasted the truth, and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a sad thing. I needed a taste of reality. It will take some time to process what He wants me to learn.

The moon is beautiful tonight from my balcony in my bedroom; this picture does
not do justice. It is HUGE, YELLOW and
GORGEOUS

I will wear the BAJA on the Sunday before Thanksgiving to hear Stephen Phelps and the choir sing Come thou Font of every Blessing. I have so much to be grateful for and have been blessed with a good life---music touches my soul and helps me to heal. It's just a more protracted process this time.

Halloween 2014

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2014

Halloween 2014

Recker Loves Papa and Pizza

Brian and Kaitlyn--Old Couple--She's pregnant.
How'd that happen?

Brad and Betty Walmart Greeters
Haleigh & Scott

Ezra the Lion

Something Amazing

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2014

Something Amazing

THIS WEEK, I RECEIVED EMAILS ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN MORE ABOUT PAST POSTS. WILL EXPLAIN NOW.

I HAVE BEEN DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR FOR 48 YEARS DUE TO A BLOW TO THE HEAD AT AGE THREE; FROM MY BIRTHFATHER (COLBY); IT HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME EAR I'VE HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON THIS YEAR. 

MY LEFT EAR IS MY 'GOOD' EAR. EVEN THOUGH THE BAHA IMPLANT IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE, IT TRANSMITS SOUNDS WAVES TO THE GOOD EAR ON THE LEFT TO IMPROVE MY HEARING. MY RIGHT EAR IS NOW COMPLETELY EMPTY, WITH NO INNER CANAL, NO EARDRUM, NO NOTHING; THE DOCTOR TOOK SKIN FROM MY HEAD AND MADE A NEW-LOOKING EAR FOR ME.

Today, something unique happened to me. I had appointments at Mayo Clinic, and I met with Kelly Conroy in the ENT department to have my Baha hearing device finally connected to the implant. I was not prepared for what would happen; I usually go to Mayo Clinic without thinking much about why I'm there or who I am supposed to see; I just don't let my mind think about it unless I'm going to the third floor then I need to prepare myself.

I have met with Kelly before for hearing tests and to be fitted for my Baha, but it's been a year since my implant was placed, and so much has happened since then. The Baha has not been on my mind. Today, I was blessed with a Tender Mercy from Heavenly Father, which I needed. I now have a new person to love at Mayo Clinic, I will never forget today, and I am so grateful Kelly Conroy was the one I shared this moment with; she was so compassionate and loving.

Kelly placed the device on my implant and then adjusted her computer to customize the hearing device to my needs. What happened next was amazing; I wish I had it on video, or Eric could have shared it. I could hear everything clearly and crisply when Kelly activated the device. I smiled, and we sat and talked for a while so she could make sure everything was working well. We both cried as I explained some of my emotions this year. This was not even the impressive part. Once I got to my car, I could not believe the sounds.

 
I opened the door to get in the front seat, and when I started the car, my music was so loud I quickly turned it down, smiled, and backed the car up--and the sound of putting the car in reverse was something I had never heard. 

As I drove down the beeline highway, I noticed a man walking; I pulled over and asked him if he needed help. He assured me he had AAA on their way and thanked me. I wondered, "why is he talking so loud?" I was overcome with emotion; I had to pull the car over a few miles away, get out and walk through the wildflowers; never had I seen anything more beautiful. I looked at the sky, brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds, and cried. I heard a bird chirp; it was beautiful. I thought I knew what that sounded like all these years, but today it was more apparent than I had ever felt or heard it. 

I could feel His love for me. He loves me, He really, really loves me, and not only me, but He also loves my biological Father, Colby Belshe. I could feel his presence; this was more than an emotionally draining day for me, but at that very moment, standing with my arms high, twirling in the Arizona desert, I could feel that finally, Colby was happy; his daughter could hear. 

Colby never could forgive himself for being the fault of my deafness, and I forgave him. I don't remember being angry with him; I only knew partial hearing. I told Colby many times that I didn't blame him, was OK, and didn't blame him, but even to his death, he took that guilt. Today that is over for him; he watched me, I felt him, and I know he can now move on. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for such a beautiful gift you have given me.
I picked myself up, got back in my car, called Eric, and could not believe how loud he was; I smiled, tears running down my cheeks.

When I got home, this is when the real magic happened. I opened the door, and I heard the doorknob turn. I smiled. When the door shut behind me, I screamed. It was so loud, it scared me. I did the same thing when my phone rang, I had "Happy" as my ringtone, and I about jumped out of my skin, but I smiled. Walking across my wood floors, I heard every step. In the kitchen, I opened the microwave and shut it several times. I did the same thing with the refrigerator, and I smiled.

When my hand touched the staircase to walk up, I heard my hand even softly dragging, and I smiled. I sat on my bedroom floor weeping, alone, just as it should be. I'm sure it was not too pretty. I could even hear the carpet as I ran my hand across it; all I could say was thank you so much for this unexpected miracle. I pulled the string on the dental floss tonight, and the sound was nothing I'd ever heard before; I did it repeatedly until the container was all gone. Turning the pages of my scriptures was terrific; I listened to every crinkle and smiled. I sat on my bed in awe of what my Heavenly Father had blessed me with at such a critical time. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME. I don't think I have smiled like I did today for so long, and even though it was a half smile, I didn't care; I couldn't help it. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is as beautiful as being able to hear everything; all the creations He has created for us to see, hear, feel, and smell we take for granted.
I can't wait to hear more things. I immediately turned my primary music on, my favorite song has always been My Heavenly Father Loves Me...I cry every time I hear this song.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue blue sky,
whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by.
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created it for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings,
he gave me my ears so that I might
hear the magical sound of things
He gave me my life, my mind
my heart, I thank Him reverently
for all his creations of which I'm
apart, yes, I know Heavenly Father
Loves me.

Today these words mean more to me than ever before. I can't help but think that Heavenly Father has been waiting for this day, preparing me, and refining me, preparing Colby, too, as he has suffered with this guilt for so long. I am happy for him too. I cannot stop crying. I am so blessed the tears are flowing like a river with no end in sight. I just want to open and close things. I want to hear my grandkids laugh, oh I can't wait for that; I thought I loved those belly laughs before, but I have a feeling as I get used to this new blessing, I am going to continue to have tears, learning so much of what we take for granted. So, if you see me tear up, I'm OK. I'm just hearing something new and enjoying it for the first time. I don't know if I can say thank you enough to Him who gave me this gift today, and I know He is smiling down on me too. I've been so lost these last few months, trying so hard to understand what I am supposed to do? What am I supposed to be learning? I will continue to ask, but not today. I am grateful this is a feeling I will never ever forget.

LABELS: HEARING, HOPE, KELLY CONROY, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PEACE