Trusting

 

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2014

Trusting

The worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them.
There have been times when my doubt has been as vast as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain. Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two gorgeous boys. Recker is almost 5 years old. It's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be two in February. He's been a spunky, smiley fun baby boy.  These little angels have brought me more joy than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love are contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old, he was diagnosed with Autism. He is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes. The past five years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy. Something I don't even try to understand. All I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would not have made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism. I was so sure he was fine. He was making animal noises, something Recker never did. He could point to the various parts of his body. Again, I don't remember Recker doing that. Over the past few months, Ezra has started to regress. Although Kayla tried her most demanding to prepare us, it could be true. I just didn't want to believe it. Ezra was doing everything differently until he didn't; gradually, he became distant.

Kayla did everything differently with her pregnancy, thinking it might be different. Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did. She did everything differently--Now we know, his diagnosis is a shock to Eric and me, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this.

Recker lives in an extraordinary world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out, I just wanted to scream, "WHY?" I still do. I am hurt, angry, sad, and blessed all at the same time. These mixed emotions have rocked my little world and will take a few days, weeks, or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child to come true. This does not mean they do not love their boys. They love them more than life, but not hearing your child say "mom or dad" is heartbreaking.  They need time to mourn. We all do.

I don't in any way, shape, or form believe these boys are doomed and will not have a future that is anything less than we, as a family, teach them. I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and others. In fact, through their journey, they will be the ones who, against the odds, will teach us. Through their sweet spirits, they will guide us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear, and the unknown, but I know one thing for sure, and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father sends those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is but we have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun. It is misunderstood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism. All I really know is that nothing has changed for me. I love them unconditionally; I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to where I want to be ... HEAVEN.