Happy Birthday Frenchie

Dear Frenchie;

Brian drove me down to Mexico so I could celebrate your birthday. I have some catching up to do. Life is crazy right now. I'm working again, and because you used to wake me up for work, I was a no-show one day because I didn't set my alarm correctly, and then I was late because I didn't hear the alarm go off. I don't wear the earplug anymore, boy; after all these years of wearing one at bedtime, it is hard to get used to, but I never miss the alarm now.

I always slept well in Mexico; it was so relaxing, and the weather was beautiful. Brian had to get home for some weddings, so I stayed and celebrated with you. The kids came the next day.

Just before sunset, I gathered some flowers growing on the property and headed to the beach. There were not as many people as I thought there would be, so I made a video for you. I said, "Life is Good." Then, I said, "But not as good without you, babe." Then I threw the flowers into the ocean and watched them go out to sea. When I couldn't see them any longer, they were out of my sight. I cried, knowing you were out of sight, but I could feel you that day. Thank you for that.

It was a lot of fun having almost everyone there. Blake's family and Kaitlyn and her children stayed in 507, and Haleigh and Scott stayed in 604. Kayla and Jeremy's family were here last week, and they loved it. I like seeing them take advantage of going to Mexico since they don't get vacations. 

We all celebrated you in our own way. I'm learning about grieving as I live through it and see the kids all grieve differently. I made a big mistake by asking the kids if they wanted to go through your shirts in Mexico; we all picked out the ones we loved and remembered you in the most. I have been gathering my own pile at home; the kids will have their choice of shirt, shorts, or pants to cut up and make a quilt out of, too. We were headed home the next day, so Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh went to the pool with their children for an hour or so. 

I gathered the clothing they didn't want and carried them to the HOA. They were so grateful and said they would find new homes for all the clothing, it was mostly pants-when did you ever wear pants in Mexico? I guess in the winter when we visited, but as I sorted them, I realized you had swimsuits and shorts that were 4X pants size 40, sweetheart. As I looked at the size of them, I thought about how hard you worked to lose weight. I don't remember you being so large. I'm sorry about that, too. I think you started to eat more when I was going through cancer treatments. I was so worried about my health that I didn't notice yours, and I am so sorry. Maybe I could have saved you by being more assertive, but it's a fine line to talk about. Being too skinny as a teenager, my mom made me eat, but I never gained any weight because I didn't make food a priority; running was my priority. 

When the kids came back to the condo, Blake was angry and asked what happened to all the clothes, and I told them I had taken them to the HOA. He became explosive, wanting to know where the shoes were. I told him I took them to the HOA but that he had mentioned the golf shoes, and I saved those for him. Then Chloe started in on me. I had no words because I was in the wrong. I never considered that when Blake comes to the condo, part of his enjoyment would be seeing all of your clothes hanging in the closet; it reminded him of his dad.

I gave him some time, but I did apologize to him when everyone wasn't standing around and told him next time any of us go to Mexico, we will take all their favorites back down to Mexico and hang them back up. Blake is a forgiving person, you know that. He's a mama's boy but adult enough to accept my apology and move on.

We all thought about you in our own way on your Birthday. I forgot to make you a German Chocolate Cake, so I will do that on Father's day for you. I love you so much, and as I navigate through all that comes with processing losing a husband and best friend, I love you even more and cannot wait to see you again. There is a whole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone but you.

Love Monya