I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

Dolphin World in San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

I thought about you all day today. I woke at 5:30 to see the sunrise and go to the estuary with Jori. Then Dwight picked us up with the boat. I got to see dolphins. It was so much fun. They swarm right next to the ship and are so playful.

Then we went out to Window Rock. It's gorgeous, and Dwight said it's an excellent place to dive. It was just me, Dwight, Jori, and her brother Scott. Then we headed over to pelican poop Island. Jori and I got out of the boat and looked for shells. There were the most beautifully colored shells out there. I collected quite a bit to add to our collection in Rocky Point. 

We ate at Sunset. I had flatbread that almost broke my teeth on—the crust was as hard as a rock, and you would have loved a beet salad.

The Sunset and sky were among the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It looked like pink cotton candy. I'm so happy Jori and Dwight invited me. A lot has stayed the same at Condos Pilar; now they have Del Fin condos next door, and they look nice, but I was happy staying with the Udalls. It's time for bed, but one day closer to being with you.

See You Soon

Monya

San Carlos Continued

 Dear Frenchie;

I wish you were here; I miss you. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning. Jori and I walk down the beach to the estuary to collect sea shells. I meditate on this little sand hill while Jori searches for 'football' shells. I'm sure that is not their real name, but they look just like a bit of football with the threads—they are so cute.

Weslie and Phoenix would love to be here picking out all of the versatile shells; they differ from those in Rocky Point. There are much more well-formed shells here, and of course, you know I had a bag full. I called to reserve the condo next door to Jori and Dwight for next year. I wish I could get the kids to commit, but you know how that is. It makes me feel bad. They have traditions with the Wright and Bigelow families. I just want to start some of our traditions. I can't trust getting them all condos down here, and then at the last minute, they cancel because something better came up. These condos have to be reserved a year ahead of time.

Today, I sat on the beach thinking about you and did something you would be proud of me for. I went into the water in Mexico and climbed up to my neck. I was scared to death, but I did it. Jori and I kayaked today, which is one thing I have never done before. It was enjoyable.

Dwight, Willie, and Marion were gone all day diving; I went into my bedroom when they talked about it because I knew if you were here, you'd be on that boat, too. It's so hard to see lives moving forward. I wanted that with you. We were supposed to build the cabin and get old together. We got old, but not old enough for me to let you go. I'm struggling with your absence ... can we just have a do-over? LOL. I shouldn't be selfish, wanting you to still be here with me, but I can't help it. You always loved these trips.

Tonight, there was a gorgeous sunset. I took pictures and thought about you. I met a woman who does massages and had one yesterday. She knew nothing about me but knew I was holding a lot of grief, pain, and trauma on my shoulders. She could read my energy and detected many things in my life.

Willie made lobster, salmon, and steaks for dinner, which I know is your kind of meal. It was delicious. I mixed my lobster with garlic mashed potatoes and his buttery sauce. It was good, but too much butter for me.   

I think I might actually gain some weight while I'm here. The last time I saw Doctor Castrol, he did not like how thin I had gotten. I was at 109 pounds, and he said I needed to be at 126 to be considered healthy. It is hard for me to remember to eat or want to eat without you. 

I could feel you tonight at Sunset, so I sat out on a chair and talked to you while I was eaten alive by mosquitos. I sure love you and wish time would go faster. I want to be with you.   

See You Soon

Monya                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                         

San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

Jori and Dwight invited me to San Carlos. I'm staying in their second bedroom. It is so beautiful here. I forgot how much I love it here. You would have loved the sunset tonight. Purple, pink, and orange hues stretched across the ocean. A slight wind keeps the mosquitos away and cools us down at night.

I had a hard time getting someone to pick up my hours at work. I was supposed to be down yesterday but could not get one hour covered. Remember how often I have picked up an hour or two for people to help them? No one is picking up, and the block weeks they offered employees to be off until November has  passed so I can't take advantage of that anymore. I really thought I would do better going back to work after you left me, but it was too soon. You know in 20 years I have never called in sick or been late, I've been in the top 5% sales for the entire company, they only did that for three years. I loved going to Dallas and eating with Doug Parker as everyone was presented with awards. We now have a new CEO I have tried to put up with his antics but I just can't anymore. I was hired in sales, but not one of my calls are sales or service now, my entire shift is baggage (the worst calls ever)

The new CEO was American Airlines CEO before Doug Parker took over. He ran the business into the ground which is why we bought them out, however in the contract it was stated that Doug would retire after so many years and Ipson would take over again. Well I can tell you he did not learn anything from Doug, he's running the business for money only. I can only be on a call for 3 minutes or I get a performance 'interview' I've got that part down, but since you left I have called in sick twice and been kate twice. You used to be my human alarm clock. It's no ones fault but my own and I own it, I just don't see the purpose of putting me on a level. I didn't even know what that meant when Tryggve explained it to me. I also never knew. Also I didn't know I had to call in at least an hour before my shift if I'm calling in sick. I am supposed to know that when I've never called in so that made it worse for me.

I was in tears when Tryggve wanted to do my monitor with me. There is no more customer service and the only way to get a phone call done in under three minutes is if they only have a question, which happens NEVER. I can't be on a level, I can't lose my job of 20 years. I am calling Mike Markham tomorrow to find out more about disability with the state I'll have to hire an attorney but he only charges if I win. I'll meet with him when I get home. American won't give me disability for a few months while I get the state done. So I have to take a chance and pray I don't lose my job before i retire. If I can't get that all done, I'm retiring in January I just can't risk it I've invested so much of my time there. I think Dr. Lettieri and Howard are going to write my letter for the state and represent me. My eye is getting worse, not much longer and I will not be able to drive, I still don't drive at night unless it's coming home from the kids house.

It was a long day today with the seven hour drive, so I am going to  sleep now. I miss you so much and even though Jori and Dwight are the best and I love them for helping me through a rough couple of years. You'll be happy to know I finished my Amen University classes, it's been five years since I've been studying under him and it will really help me in my business Present Not Perfect. I finished EMDR and Arizona is now allowing life coaches to use it in their practices.Dr. Amen is a genius, everything I learn makes so much since I wish I'd known earlier so I could practivece on our own children.

 So I have my legal certification from Amen University on a wide range of things that will help in my new adventure. And I am continuing education with Amen because now everyitng is like 70% off if you finished all the classes at Amen University. I keep taking classes just to learn more of the dysfunctional Belshe family is.That conversation on another day. The kids thought we were bad parents, holy cow it just confirmed to me how normal and good our cute little family was, Yes we had arguments but for some reason you and I are were always able to listen and respect differences in opinions. I just spent 6 months with a couple who no longer talk to their parents because of the changes in personality as we get older. Now I am seeing it from younger perspectives and it's helped me to understand a lot. 

One is you and I were raised in homes where the church was prevalent it's was what you did because your parents took you with them on Sundays and no one was left behind. We had to have FHE every Monday it couldn't be on any other night but Monday-that is ludicrous. Who ever said Monday was the day?  

Remember when we got married and I started having FHE with the family every Monday-I would spend time on a lesson and game then dessert. but most the time I never got passed the lesson before all four of our rugrats were running around not listening, fighting or playing with each other. You and I often looked at each other and just laughed. The Stake also used to call us every month to ask us how many times we attended the temple? I'm sorry but young mothers do not always have one minute in a day to attend the temple, maybe they should ask members to go once a month as a couple to strengthen their bond instead of demanding it be done and then the mother is either on Prozac or trying to hard to keep up, and eventually they get burned out. I know it's different now, in every aspect of the church, we are not required to have Monday FHE anytime during the week is fine, even and especially Sunday. Which I changed for our family many years ago because we had baseball and dance on those night. Then we had to be at an activity every Wednesday night, I was so burned out taking three of our days from us is enough. NO MORE,  I heard they totally re-designed the strength for youth to be more about gaining your own relationship with Christ and He will lead you and guide you. Now that I like, these young teens are so peer pressured at school more than likely they are going to do something stupid, but are made to feel shameful instead. The Atonement is for EVERYONE including those serving time in Prison. My dad paid back his mistakes with prison and jail time,  I don't believe in a God who doesn't forgive even after death when someone like m dad always wanted to do better, be a better parent but the alcohol controlled him ... If He is the God I know he will work it out with them, it is not our job as leaders to make these kids feel shameful and hurt. We can talk about it later I'm just jacked up on it right now after researching myself. I have a very personal relationship with Christ, I understand the Atonement and I try to do what is right but when I mess up that is what the Atonement is for, so many people think it is for the 'perfect mormons' umm ... not at all it is for everyone no matter the sin big or small. We just need to try and be more kind to each other. I know I'm trying and I am so proud of our children they love you so much. I just want to be with you, I feel you often times at night and thank you so much for those times, but I'd much rather be sitting with you on a beach in San Carlos, than talking about this. I'm going with your thoughts that now that the children are raised they have their own choices to make about what is best for their family, and the time has certainly expired for them not to take responsibility for their own lives, and stop blaming their parents for everything. You either believe or you don't it's that simple, no one is making you do anything you get to choose. You and I talked about this numerous times, you and I fit perfectly together in the puzzle because we both believe in the Gospel we both wanted Temple marriages and children and to raise them in the church but that wasn't to be mean it was because the whole family went and I couldn't leave my infants home alone. You and I took care of our sins the way we were taught to just like any other organized religion, and for you and I it was the best decision anyone has ever made for us in the church. The point is many of the rules were written in the 1800's they didn't have green tea which has proven to manage many problems people have and it is better than a soda. Also they serve hot chocolate ate every event the church hases for the Holdiay seasons. It strickly says in the scriptures to avoid HOT drinks. Ok I'm done

I just want to talk about it with you more, but I gotta get to sleep..I didn't forget it's Fathers Day, I thought about you all day. I worried for the kids, but sent them text messages telling them how much you loved them and were proud of all of them.  I love you and missed making a German Chocolate Cake for you this year. I was in a car all day just to get to be with Jori and Dwight. But for now on you get that for your Birthday at Father's day without me telling you, "You've had enough." lol I love your guts.

See You Soon

Monya

Mexico

I am so grateful to Brian and Blake; they have been helping me figure out finances. I'm going to have Ronny put me on a budget. We are fixing 604 and 605 like you and I planned, except I will not pull up the tile like you wanted. It's not necessary; it's Mexico!! We are spending the money to update them and hopefully be able to rent for a higher amount and bring in a new client who will care for those condos like we do. Flor will have to do more work; if we need to pay her more, we will; I think it might be good.

Haleigh and Scott are in California. They will be gone all summer long. Before they left, they took me to IKEA, I know what you are thinking ... "She hates IKEA." Well, you are right about that, but Scott and Haleigh were so helpful. We bought all new kitchen essentials for 604 & 605, new bedspreads, pillows etc. Brian and I picked out two sectionals, one for each condo. I asked Kaitlyn and Haleigh to pick out the color. This time I'm decorating them exactly the same. 

Brian took the furniture down last week, and Blake took three new tables for the patio at the condos. I'm worried about spending too much money, but I am listening to the kids. They have good taste. Haleigh and Scott have rentals and know how to update. Kayla has offered to do some marketing for the condos; I know we must be careful, but I think Kayla understands. She will not give our names or the condo numbers, just a condo on Sandy Beach. I'm very pleased with all the kids; they are the best thing we ever did together. I see so much of you in each one of them. I wish you could be here to see our great children. You and I can't take all the credit. We know we could have been better parents. I only remember the good stuff. Each one has their own personality and perspectives, and I think they are good humans. I love them all.

See You Soon,

I love you, Monya

Leaving Montana

 Dear Frenchie,

It was a quiet drive from Anaconda to Missoula. Aunt Ann and Uncle Mike were hoping I'd miss my flight so I could stay longer. Missoula Airport is small, and it is easy to get to the gate; I had no check-in luggage. So I knew I wouldn't miss the flight, but it made me feel good that they wanted me to stay. You know how much I have craved connecting with the Belshe family. They are my heritage, and I want to know more. It's unfair that you were not there with me; you are the only person who knows what I know and how I feel. 

It's no big secret to you, but I cried on the way home. Uncle Mike is getting old. I hope I see him next year. He said he is coming in the next couple of weeks to fix his teeth. Shonna is taking him to a dentist somewhere in Mexico. He said it is not Rocky Point, so I think maybe the town we drove through when the border was closed; I remember there were a lot of dentists in the town.

I'm home now and back to work. I got the same bid this time: 6:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m. working on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 

I miss talking to you; you always give me good advice. At night I get really lonely without you. My heart has a hole that can never be filled until I see you again.

See you soon

I love you-Monya

Uncle Mike & Auntie Ann

 Dear Frenchie

I love waking up in Montana. The weather is incredible, maybe a little cold for you. In the afternoon, it gets up to 78 degrees. Either way, I know you would love to be here. Today, we are going on a drive to Big Hole Lake.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann are so sweet and kind to me. Of course, Uncle Mike still cusses like a trucker, but it's him. I would be disappointed if he acted any different than who he is. Remember last year when we were here, we stayed in that cute VRBO? This year, I stayed at the house they rented until their home is finished from the fire. They only have five months without snow, so they hope the contractors finish before October.

They have many stories about life growing up as a Belshe. Uncle Mike was one of the younger of the nine children; my dad Colby was the oldest boy, and Nana was the oldest. Listening to their stories, I can see why some of my behavior patterns were genetically passed down. By the time Uncle Mike was a teenager, Grandpa Belshe had his stroke, so he and Pamela and Uncle Bill got away with a lot of crap. Uncle Mike thinks Grandma just got tired of raising kids. It's really sad to hear some of his stories.

 Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was out, and I didn't need a jacket. I brought some of the long sleeves you bought me in California with Dwight and Jori, which were perfect. Oh, and you will love this. Uncle Mike has worn the Puerto Penasco hat you bought; he says he wears it daily. It's his favorite. We drove to Butte, where Uncle Mike had a lung scan. We dropped him off and then went to visit Aunt Ann's brother, Hal. As I sat and watched Aunt Ann care for her brother compassionately, she offered to go to the store for him. I thought why in the world would any person not like her. Why? Because she is not LDS? Because she smokes? The Belshe family, including Grandma (who had a mean streak), just don't like her. She is one of the nicest people in this family I have met. When Coldby died, I went to his house to get something of his, anything he had handmade. When Lynn opened the door, she greeted me with this, "Oh, I know who you are, you're the Bitch of the family, your dad told me." I stood shocked, not knowing what to say. I had no idea Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann were standing just behind me ... not a good idea to call Uncle Mike's favorite niece a Bitch. He and Ann were so mad. Uncle Mike said, "Don't you talk to her like that, and my brother never said she was a Bitch; he loved her." then they pushed through the door, took her to another room, and told me to get whatever I wanted. While I was trying to find artwork or some of his leather work, I could hear Lynn getting her share of the mean streak Mike and Ann had for her. Colby was never married to her. In fact, she was still married to another man but just living with Colby. I grabbed a few things for my children to have. Even though they never really knew him as a grandfather, I still wanted some of his things. I'm glad I did because as I get older, I believe my dad loved me but didn't know how to show it; he didn't know how to be a dad, let alone a grandfather. He spent most of my childhood running from the law or in Prison. My heart hurts for him; he made it hard to love him. I was not allowed to know where he was in my youth and teen years. 

I'm not sure why the Belshe family is so judgmental of people. None of them live perfect lives. But I see now where Kris and Sonya got it from. Living and loving you was my best decision; I know my dad would have loved the man I married. I'd give anything for my dad to be alive and see how you and I have made a beautiful family together for forty-six years. We weren't perfect, but holy cow, we did not raise our children to Hate anyone. I have the greatest heritage, and this family is not what a family should be. If it wasn't for Uncle Mike visiting me as a child and texting me every day just to say, "I'm alive." He even came to your funeral ... I love him and know I don't have many years left with him; he's 77, and his heart is like yours. Since I don't know how it works where you are, I always wonder if you've been able to talk to Colby. If you do, please tell him all the talks you and I have had about him. I wished I'd had someone to call daddy, and it wasn't Gary. Tell him I love him and hug him for me. He really was a good man who made some bad decisions.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann took me on a spectacular ride today. Oh, Eric, you would have loved it. The forest was a beautiful green. They've cleaned up some of the dying trees from the beetles and huge piles of timber. It's so sad. I hate when the forest catches fire, or these beetles eat down these 100-year-old trees. By the time they grow back to this size again, it will be in another 100 years. I love being with Uncle Mike and Auntie Ann.

Love Monya

Montana

 Dear Frenchie

I decided to go to Montana, even though you and I had planned that trip together. It was a hard decision to make. We are trying to update the condos, hoping to attract a different clientele and raise the money for rent. I felt like I needed to be there this week to get them ready. However, Brian told me not to cancel my Montana plans and to see Uncle Mike.

We had a birthday party for Zeek. He is four now and just so sweet. I know he loves me and still gets excited to see me and show me his latest toy. It was also a celebration for Teddy, whose birthday was a few days ago. Teddy is getting tall, and he, too, is so sweet. I don't get to see Kayla's children as much as Zeek and Weslie; Kayla is in the thick of raising teenagers and home-schooling. I miss them a lot.

After everyone left, I packed for Montana (carry-on only). I didn't get to bed until midnight and could not sleep, worried about the alarm going off. I had to be up and gone by 3:30. It's not the same without you. Packing and getting ready to do anything is still really hard for me. I brought your pillow to Montana so I could sleep better.

Seeing Aunt Ann waiting for me, I just melted into her arms, and we both had a nice cry. Uncle Mike was sitting by the baggage area checking out Facebook ... that man is like you. He loves to scroll through, see what everyone is doing, and then leave a comment.

I flew into Missoula again, and we made the two-hour drive to Anaconda. I missed you when the scenery was so beautiful. I could hear you telling Uncle Mike how much you were amazed at the beauty in Montana. It was gorgeous and cold; I'm glad I brought a jacket. I'm only here until Saturday, so I don't have as much time with them as I wanted, but I could not get off work. 

Uncle Mike was upset about you not being there; he started to cry, saying, "I was really looking forward to getting to know Eric better; he is a good man. My brother would be proud." He said it was unfair that you went before him and were too young. I agree.

Waking up to snow-capped mountains is so incredible. It's June and in the sixties, cold for an Arizona girl. But I'm going to enjoy every second with them. They love me, and I want to be around them because, for once, I feel loved by a 'Belshe,' and you know what that means to me. I don't think anyone else would understand that, but you. I finally am loved by my dad's brother and his wife. Most of the Belshe's have a way of shutting me out because I wasn't around them growing up. It's sad but true; they all gossip and talk about each other. I just can't be around that anymore. Here in Montana, with family, it feels so good; as you know, it is something I have craved my entire life. Aunt Ann said, " Uncle Mike and I love you so much, and I ache knowing what you are feeling. We will be your mom and dad. If you need anything or want to talk, we are here for you." I love them. They don't judge, they forgive easily, and we have much fun together.

I've got to get up and get ready for the day. I'm sure they wonder what I am doing in this bedroom. I just wanted to connect with you this morning. I know you are proud of me for coming to visit them without you. I see you everywhere, though. Thank you for showing up in Montana for me. I love you and miss you so much.

Love Monya