Mexico

I am so grateful to Brian and Blake; they have been helping me figure out finances. I'm going to have Ronny put me on a budget. We are fixing 604 and 605 like you and I planned, except I will not pull up the tile like you wanted. It's not necessary; it's Mexico!! We are spending the money to update them and hopefully be able to rent for a higher amount and bring in a new client who will care for those condos like we do. Flor will have to do more work; if we need to pay her more, we will; I think it might be good.

Haleigh and Scott are in California. They will be gone all summer long. Before they left, they took me to IKEA, I know what you are thinking ... "She hates IKEA." Well, you are right about that, but Scott and Haleigh were so helpful. We bought all new kitchen essentials for 604 & 605, new bedspreads, pillows etc. Brian and I picked out two sectionals, one for each condo. I asked Kaitlyn and Haleigh to pick out the color. This time I'm decorating them exactly the same. 

Brian took the furniture down last week, and Blake took three new tables for the patio at the condos. I'm worried about spending too much money, but I am listening to the kids. They have good taste. Haleigh and Scott have rentals and know how to update. Kayla has offered to do some marketing for the condos; I know we must be careful, but I think Kayla understands. She will not give our names or the condo numbers, just a condo on Sandy Beach. I'm very pleased with all the kids; they are the best thing we ever did together. I see so much of you in each one of them. I wish you could be here to see our great children. You and I can't take all the credit. We know we could have been better parents. I only remember the good stuff. Each one has their own personality and perspectives, and I think they are good humans. I love them all.

See You Soon,

I love you, Monya

Leaving Montana

 Dear Frenchie,

It was a quiet drive from Anaconda to Missoula. Aunt Ann and Uncle Mike were hoping I'd miss my flight so I could stay longer. Missoula Airport is small, and it is easy to get to the gate; I had no check-in luggage. So I knew I wouldn't miss the flight, but it made me feel good that they wanted me to stay. You know how much I have craved connecting with the Belshe family. They are my heritage, and I want to know more. It's unfair that you were not there with me; you are the only person who knows what I know and how I feel. 

It's no big secret to you, but I cried on the way home. Uncle Mike is getting old. I hope I see him next year. He said he is coming in the next couple of weeks to fix his teeth. Shonna is taking him to a dentist somewhere in Mexico. He said it is not Rocky Point, so I think maybe the town we drove through when the border was closed; I remember there were a lot of dentists in the town.

I'm home now and back to work. I got the same bid this time: 6:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m. working on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 

I miss talking to you; you always give me good advice. At night I get really lonely without you. My heart has a hole that can never be filled until I see you again.

See you soon

I love you-Monya

Uncle Mike & Auntie Ann

 Dear Frenchie

I love waking up in Montana. The weather is incredible, maybe a little cold for you. In the afternoon, it gets up to 78 degrees. Either way, I know you would love to be here. Today, we are going on a drive to Big Hole Lake.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann are so sweet and kind to me. Of course, Uncle Mike still cusses like a trucker, but it's him. I would be disappointed if he acted any different than who he is. Remember last year when we were here, we stayed in that cute VRBO? This year, I stayed at the house they rented until their home is finished from the fire. They only have five months without snow, so they hope the contractors finish before October.

They have many stories about life growing up as a Belshe. Uncle Mike was one of the younger of the nine children; my dad Colby was the oldest boy, and Nana was the oldest. Listening to their stories, I can see why some of my behavior patterns were genetically passed down. By the time Uncle Mike was a teenager, Grandpa Belshe had his stroke, so he and Pamela and Uncle Bill got away with a lot of crap. Uncle Mike thinks Grandma just got tired of raising kids. It's really sad to hear some of his stories.

 Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was out, and I didn't need a jacket. I brought some of the long sleeves you bought me in California with Dwight and Jori, which were perfect. Oh, and you will love this. Uncle Mike has worn the Puerto Penasco hat you bought; he says he wears it daily. It's his favorite. We drove to Butte, where Uncle Mike had a lung scan. We dropped him off and then went to visit Aunt Ann's brother, Hal. As I sat and watched Aunt Ann care for her brother compassionately, she offered to go to the store for him. I thought why in the world would any person not like her. Why? Because she is not LDS? Because she smokes? The Belshe family, including Grandma (who had a mean streak), just don't like her. She is one of the nicest people in this family I have met. When Coldby died, I went to his house to get something of his, anything he had handmade. When Lynn opened the door, she greeted me with this, "Oh, I know who you are, you're the Bitch of the family, your dad told me." I stood shocked, not knowing what to say. I had no idea Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann were standing just behind me ... not a good idea to call Uncle Mike's favorite niece a Bitch. He and Ann were so mad. Uncle Mike said, "Don't you talk to her like that, and my brother never said she was a Bitch; he loved her." then they pushed through the door, took her to another room, and told me to get whatever I wanted. While I was trying to find artwork or some of his leather work, I could hear Lynn getting her share of the mean streak Mike and Ann had for her. Colby was never married to her. In fact, she was still married to another man but just living with Colby. I grabbed a few things for my children to have. Even though they never really knew him as a grandfather, I still wanted some of his things. I'm glad I did because as I get older, I believe my dad loved me but didn't know how to show it; he didn't know how to be a dad, let alone a grandfather. He spent most of my childhood running from the law or in Prison. My heart hurts for him; he made it hard to love him. I was not allowed to know where he was in my youth and teen years. 

I'm not sure why the Belshe family is so judgmental of people. None of them live perfect lives. But I see now where Kris and Sonya got it from. Living and loving you was my best decision; I know my dad would have loved the man I married. I'd give anything for my dad to be alive and see how you and I have made a beautiful family together for forty-six years. We weren't perfect, but holy cow, we did not raise our children to Hate anyone. I have the greatest heritage, and this family is not what a family should be. If it wasn't for Uncle Mike visiting me as a child and texting me every day just to say, "I'm alive." He even came to your funeral ... I love him and know I don't have many years left with him; he's 77, and his heart is like yours. Since I don't know how it works where you are, I always wonder if you've been able to talk to Colby. If you do, please tell him all the talks you and I have had about him. I wished I'd had someone to call daddy, and it wasn't Gary. Tell him I love him and hug him for me. He really was a good man who made some bad decisions.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann took me on a spectacular ride today. Oh, Eric, you would have loved it. The forest was a beautiful green. They've cleaned up some of the dying trees from the beetles and huge piles of timber. It's so sad. I hate when the forest catches fire, or these beetles eat down these 100-year-old trees. By the time they grow back to this size again, it will be in another 100 years. I love being with Uncle Mike and Auntie Ann.

Love Monya

Montana

 Dear Frenchie

I decided to go to Montana, even though you and I had planned that trip together. It was a hard decision to make. We are trying to update the condos, hoping to attract a different clientele and raise the money for rent. I felt like I needed to be there this week to get them ready. However, Brian told me not to cancel my Montana plans and to see Uncle Mike.

We had a birthday party for Zeek. He is four now and just so sweet. I know he loves me and still gets excited to see me and show me his latest toy. It was also a celebration for Teddy, whose birthday was a few days ago. Teddy is getting tall, and he, too, is so sweet. I don't get to see Kayla's children as much as Zeek and Weslie; Kayla is in the thick of raising teenagers and home-schooling. I miss them a lot.

After everyone left, I packed for Montana (carry-on only). I didn't get to bed until midnight and could not sleep, worried about the alarm going off. I had to be up and gone by 3:30. It's not the same without you. Packing and getting ready to do anything is still really hard for me. I brought your pillow to Montana so I could sleep better.

Seeing Aunt Ann waiting for me, I just melted into her arms, and we both had a nice cry. Uncle Mike was sitting by the baggage area checking out Facebook ... that man is like you. He loves to scroll through, see what everyone is doing, and then leave a comment.

I flew into Missoula again, and we made the two-hour drive to Anaconda. I missed you when the scenery was so beautiful. I could hear you telling Uncle Mike how much you were amazed at the beauty in Montana. It was gorgeous and cold; I'm glad I brought a jacket. I'm only here until Saturday, so I don't have as much time with them as I wanted, but I could not get off work. 

Uncle Mike was upset about you not being there; he started to cry, saying, "I was really looking forward to getting to know Eric better; he is a good man. My brother would be proud." He said it was unfair that you went before him and were too young. I agree.

Waking up to snow-capped mountains is so incredible. It's June and in the sixties, cold for an Arizona girl. But I'm going to enjoy every second with them. They love me, and I want to be around them because, for once, I feel loved by a 'Belshe,' and you know what that means to me. I don't think anyone else would understand that, but you. I finally am loved by my dad's brother and his wife. Most of the Belshe's have a way of shutting me out because I wasn't around them growing up. It's sad but true; they all gossip and talk about each other. I just can't be around that anymore. Here in Montana, with family, it feels so good; as you know, it is something I have craved my entire life. Aunt Ann said, " Uncle Mike and I love you so much, and I ache knowing what you are feeling. We will be your mom and dad. If you need anything or want to talk, we are here for you." I love them. They don't judge, they forgive easily, and we have much fun together.

I've got to get up and get ready for the day. I'm sure they wonder what I am doing in this bedroom. I just wanted to connect with you this morning. I know you are proud of me for coming to visit them without you. I see you everywhere, though. Thank you for showing up in Montana for me. I love you and miss you so much.

Love Monya

Dr. Sal Lettieri (The BIG man)

 Dear Frenchie

Today, Dr. Lettieri called me to see how I was doing. He was so compassionate and kind. I told him how proud you were that he was my surgeon. I remember hearing you answer someone's question when they said, "Really, Eric, how is Monya doing through all this change in her life and appearance?" You talked more about Dr. Lettieri than you did about me. I told him what you've said over the years. "He's a genius." You acknowledged and understood why my friendship with him was more of a connection because he would be doing such difficult surgeries on me. You said, "Not many patients have Dr. Sal Lettieri's personal phone number." He laughed and said, "Well, he got that right; you are THE only patient with my personal cell phone." 

I told him how much you admired him and loved that I had a surgeon during this very difficult transition to help me with no bull crap by being honest with me and the number of surgeries I'd have to endure with you. He was very touched by your words. I told him he needs to give himself more credit for what he does, I could never do what he does. I asked him how a trauma Surgeon handles a patient dying in front of them. He said, "I don't know, I cannot answer that there is no sense to it but it's my job. So I pull it together before I talk to the families. Then I asked him, "If it was Sara or Sophia, would you react differently?" Of course, he said he would. "Family is not off limits for grieving and the pain of missing them. I'd say the mourning your family is feeling now is perfectly normal. I'd quit my job and never get married again."

He asked how I was doing, and I told him I miss you, especially at night. Something that he said to me really helped. He explained, "Monya, you were so lucky to have the last 14 months that you had with him; most people don't get that chance when given your diagnosis." He continued to tell me what a good man you were and that he went to the funeral thinking he knew you pretty well after all the talks you two have had, but he left the funeral wanting to be better, nicer, and more like you! That is a BIG compliment coming from him. He is going part-time in two years, then retiring at 70. Yeah, right, he's a workaholic and loves what he does; I told him he was born to do what he does, and he would drive Sara crazy if he retired. He laughed and said, "I know I will, and I love it." with his little chuckle. You and I both know it would be hard for him to stop thinking about cranial surgeries and trauma. Oh, and he will be at Mayo when he goes part-time. Finally, someone at the Mayo in Phoenix sees what Rochester knew when they hired him. He works a lot with Neuro surgeons now at Mayo instead of the plastics department, where he literally has only had me for a patient with real trauma needs. You know he won't do boobs, lifts, or anything plastic unless it's the face. Mayo in Phoenix does not have trauma, so on Wednesdays when he is supposed to work in plastics, he never has patients, but they call him into surgeries to give his opinion, and he is always right; so now the Neuro Surgeons want him to consult with them on patients.

He finally agreed that I would always be his favorite patient. He's had more surgeries with me than any other patient. I love that he still thinks about you and me and said we were a good example. He said it was an honor to know a man who loved his wife like you. Hopefully, Sara will see some changes in him. I told him we thought he was such a good husband to Sara and father to Sophia and Carmichael, but mostly that Sara would not have stayed with him as long as she has if she, too, didn't love him. He agreed and said he would probably pay for Sophia's wedding soon ... I would love to be a fly on the wall when that guy asks Dr. Lettieri for Sophia's hand in marriage. Then I told him how you treated Brian when he asked you to marry Kaitlyn. Now, Dr. Lettieri got the biggest laugh out of that. He refuses to meet the guy. So when he goes to Boston to visit her he will not allow this guy to be around ... sounds familiar to me I think every good dad feels that way. Sara is the nicest woman in the world to be married to a genius like him with no common sense she teaches him how to balance.

Thank you for being with me through forty surgeries and never complaining. Not many husbands could be that loyal, and I love you for it.

See you soon; I love you

Monya

Happy Birthday Frenchie

Dear Frenchie;

Brian drove me down to Mexico so I could celebrate your birthday. I have some catching up to do. Life is crazy right now. I'm working again, and because you used to wake me up for work, I was a no-show one day because I didn't set my alarm correctly, and then I was late because I didn't hear the alarm go off. I don't wear the earplug anymore, boy; after all these years of wearing one at bedtime, it is hard to get used to, but I never miss the alarm now.

I always slept well in Mexico; it was so relaxing, and the weather was beautiful. Brian had to get home for some weddings, so I stayed and celebrated with you. The kids came the next day.

Just before sunset, I gathered some flowers growing on the property and headed to the beach. There were not as many people as I thought there would be, so I made a video for you. I said, "Life is Good." Then, I said, "But not as good without you, babe." Then I threw the flowers into the ocean and watched them go out to sea. When I couldn't see them any longer, they were out of my sight. I cried, knowing you were out of sight, but I could feel you that day. Thank you for that.

It was a lot of fun having almost everyone there. Blake's family and Kaitlyn and her children stayed in 507, and Haleigh and Scott stayed in 604. Kayla and Jeremy's family were here last week, and they loved it. I like seeing them take advantage of going to Mexico since they don't get vacations. 

We all celebrated you in our own way. I'm learning about grieving as I live through it and see the kids all grieve differently. I made a big mistake by asking the kids if they wanted to go through your shirts in Mexico; we all picked out the ones we loved and remembered you in the most. I have been gathering my own pile at home; the kids will have their choice of shirt, shorts, or pants to cut up and make a quilt out of, too. We were headed home the next day, so Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh went to the pool with their children for an hour or so. 

I gathered the clothing they didn't want and carried them to the HOA. They were so grateful and said they would find new homes for all the clothing, it was mostly pants-when did you ever wear pants in Mexico? I guess in the winter when we visited, but as I sorted them, I realized you had swimsuits and shorts that were 4X pants size 40, sweetheart. As I looked at the size of them, I thought about how hard you worked to lose weight. I don't remember you being so large. I'm sorry about that, too. I think you started to eat more when I was going through cancer treatments. I was so worried about my health that I didn't notice yours, and I am so sorry. Maybe I could have saved you by being more assertive, but it's a fine line to talk about. Being too skinny as a teenager, my mom made me eat, but I never gained any weight because I didn't make food a priority; running was my priority. 

When the kids came back to the condo, Blake was angry and asked what happened to all the clothes, and I told them I had taken them to the HOA. He became explosive, wanting to know where the shoes were. I told him I took them to the HOA but that he had mentioned the golf shoes, and I saved those for him. Then Chloe started in on me. I had no words because I was in the wrong. I never considered that when Blake comes to the condo, part of his enjoyment would be seeing all of your clothes hanging in the closet; it reminded him of his dad.

I gave him some time, but I did apologize to him when everyone wasn't standing around and told him next time any of us go to Mexico, we will take all their favorites back down to Mexico and hang them back up. Blake is a forgiving person, you know that. He's a mama's boy but adult enough to accept my apology and move on.

We all thought about you in our own way on your Birthday. I forgot to make you a German Chocolate Cake, so I will do that on Father's day for you. I love you so much, and as I navigate through all that comes with processing losing a husband and best friend, I love you even more and cannot wait to see you again. There is a whole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone but you.

Love Monya

Grief

Dear Frenchie

My grief has not made me stronger, but it made me aware of all we had together. I have no choice but to learn how to function in the face of pure fear, bone-deep rage, and gut-wrenching sadness. You were my person, and now you're gone; I have no hugs, no kisses, and no "I love you" every day. I continue to pray every night for you and for our family to survive this incredible loss. I told you before, and I will continue to say, "I will NEVER get remarried." Not because I don't believe in intimacy or love, but because I could search the world repeatedly and NEVER find someone like you. You are and will always be THE BEST man for me. No one can compare.

Grief is a sadness that can only be known deep inside the devastated soul of the griever. It's this kind of despair that changes your entire life forever. I never knew how much I loved you until my heart was broken on that beach in Maui. I always thought we would have time to say, do, travel, laugh, and love more deeply. 

My entire universe was changed overnight. It's altered everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. And every day, I uncover more about what that even means. 

Sometimes, I feel you hold me at night like you used to. I have such a hard time sleeping, and I appreciate it when you quietly embrace me until I fall asleep. Thank you.

I realize that my feelings of grief change from day to day or even moment to moment. I will never forget you and what we shared together. Reflecting on our life together, we had much more romantic, fun vacations and everyday connections than most. 

Remember when it seemed like every one of our friends was getting divorced? That was a crazy time. But I loved that you and I always discussed those things and why people grow apart. We know why each of them broke up, and pride is a big part. Neither one could say sorry and really mean it. That was never worth an eternal marriage to you, and you fought for me to forgive you and move forward because, in the end, we made commitments to each other and promised our family would be eternal. I am so grateful for you and the man who made me a better wife and friend. 

I forgive you for putting me in positions where I felt forced to do things I didn't want to. I heard your apology, and I know how hard it was for you to say it with tears rolling down your cheeks in front of Jori and Dwight. But I promise I didn't tell them anything; your sincere apology put us all in tears. Your honesty and vulnerability were something I had never felt before, and it was an unforgettable moment. I will always hold that moment close to my heart. Only you and I know what that apology was for or what it meant to me. Thank you.

See you soon; I love you.

Monya