I dropped my BIG girl panties today

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2014

I dropped my big girl panties today

I was at work, and I could feel my ear draining, trickling out and down my neck--I quickly wiped it off with a tissue, hoping no one would see it. I don't want to put a cotton ball in it because it needs air; it needs circulation; I do remember Dr. Barrs saying, "there is no circulation in your ear," which seems weird to me because most of us move our heads quite a bit during a 24-hour day. I am still trying to process all this. I am barely functioning, yet I seem to be getting things done.

For a few minutes today, I dropped my big girl panties drop. As much as I tried, I just could not wrap my head around saying "yes" to another surgery--I promised myself I was not going to do this again--I'm once again asking, "what do I need to learn?" "What is it that I am not getting?" I have come further than I ever thought I could; when Heavenly Father tells me, "You can do it," I just believe I can...and I do it.

Today, I had to walk into Us Airways once again and fill out medical leave forms--legal forms--I despise them; it's such a process, and this sounds trivial but writing out once again on a form letter--my diagnosis--my estimated days away from work brought me to tears. I love my job at UsAirways; I love my supervisor Diana; she has been patient, kind, and compassionate with me throughout my journey. When I regained my trust that I was healed and ready to move forward, I got slammed into surgery again. I have had my doubt replaced with truth, and my fears have been replaced with trust; I know the Lord takes just what he thinks I can handle, and this time, I trust he will make me wholly healed.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN LAST WEEK

On Monday, I headed to Mayo Clinic again, only this time I was planning to drive myself there since Eric has a meeting on Mondays I didn't want him to miss; he takes pride in his work and loves Jeff Blandford. I waited to tell him I was having surgery until Sunday night, the night before the surgery. I told him I had it all worked out and that he could go to his meeting and come to the hospital whenever he was ready. My friend Marian Priday drove me, when we
arrived at Mayo Clinic, checked in, and waited. Finally, they called my name, I went back and got dressed, IV in, and ready with a little extra for my nerves. Marian came back and talked to me while we waited 5 hours. That is precisely why I don't like to bring people with me; I hate for them to have to wait. However, I was so grateful to have Marian there with me; she is not only a great friend, visiting teacher, and example of compassion and integrity, but she's also is pretty dang funny. She waited until they finally rolled me back to surgery, blew me a kiss, and off I went.

Thank You, Marian, for being with me

My new tattoo? No, just the magic marker from Dr. Barrs

Headed off to the OR

When I woke up in recovery, Eric was there; he said Dr. Barr's told him that because the surgery before mine took too much time, he could not do all that he had expected to do. He grafted some skin from my arm again and placed it inside my ear to help with the bleeding. He told Eric I would have another surgery, but I was not sure when. I love Dr. Barr and am grateful he has been so patient with me and my ear issues; he has not given up yet, and we will get it all taken care of eventually.

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

 

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2014

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say; I went to Mayo Clinic today and will be back tomorrow. Today, my ear has suddenly decided to turn for the worse. Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow; I thought it might be some dried blood, but no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter, and I wanted to spend a wonderful day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day and had problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heartbeat. When I bowed my head during prayer, I thought my head was going to explode, and the equilibrium was off when I stood up. I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself. He is such an inspiration; few know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully; his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said, "Don't forget to Smile" I love that shirt--today, it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring his sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I met up with my dear friend Jori today; we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures. She is trying to move forward after the loss of her son CJ. She explained her Easter Sunday, my heart was whole; and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to. She's strong and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree when a storm is raging. Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, and tried the natural path; now it's time for me to decide if what I preach I can put into action. While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me; I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore. Today I saw another adorable resident; he looked in my ear, didn't say much, and left the room to get Dr. Barr's. When he came in, I said while holding out my shirt, "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive, he said, "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems. Boy, was I off. It was the opposite. He brought in Kathleen, his nurse, to look, then he and she sucked out what they could. They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, and I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices? I guess I've been hoping to put off the inevitable; I thought I would be more intelligent than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today. So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something? I've wanted to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps and reconnecting with friends. I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life; an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would be OK, but these weekly visits annoy me. Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, and trust in Him. Today I felt more alone than I have in an exceptionally long time. I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic; when I left, I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING! When searching for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back; he's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, I didn't feel it.

I'm scared; I know he knows my strength; I know He understands where my heart is; what is wrong this time? I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole that took me 4 years to crawl out of. I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today. Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID. I often want to go back to the days of no cell phones. I wish I could find the happiness I'm looking for. Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep; it's quiet here; Eric is asleep. I haven't even had time to talk to him today. These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30, when I will rise up and start my day again. I said, "I will not have another surgery, no more; I'm done; it's time to let it go and leave it in the Lord's hands."  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.

Spreading Hope & Happiness at ASU

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 18, 2014

Spreading HOPE & HAPPINESS at ASU

I was contacted by Dr. Compton a few weeks ago via email and asked if I would be willing to speak to her eager young students at ASU about my journey with cancer. I was terrified to do it; I couldn't imagine what I could say or do to help these students interested in medicine--I agreed to do it; I was listening to my heart on this request.
Gratefully, I listened to the still, small peaceful voice inside of me and said yes. Yesterday was the day I had nothing prepared, every time I started to write notes, it was silly; I thought, "why am I writing anything down? This is my life, I've lived it, I've felt it, and I'm surviving it"  Eric, the public speaker, said, "you need to write some bullet points of what you want to cover in case you forget".....I did, but I only had to refer to them once, and that was to quote something I had written on my blog about a night I was desperate for relief.
I actually loved being able to speak with these students and Dr. Compton. I did have a hiccup; the slide show that I thought was in the order of dates was not--so it made it difficult to show them my journey through a PowerPoint with pictures from my blog and FB. When I realized this would not work, I did the best I could and spoke from my heart.
I never thought I would be able to speak for an hour and 15 minutes, but I did it--I saw one student asleep, so pretty sure that what I had to say did not resignate with all of them. Eric came to support me, and my son in law Brian happened to be on campus. He, too, came to support me, and it was good to have them there--Brian is always so good about going out of his way for things like this, I love him for so many things, and this is just another.
Just a note about Dr. Compton, she is a lovely, beautiful woman inside and out. Hopefully, those students already know what a gem of a woman she is. Doctor, mentor, and instructor. I felt at peace, I felt strong, and most of all, I felt BRAVE.

Dr. Compton and I. She is so gracious and kind

Some of the students--the girls are sisters from the Ivory Coast...One just got accepted to Medical School the other headed off for a fellowship at Harvard. Full Scholarship, such smart, lovely girls. These are our future Doctors.

Eric loved speaking with them in French.

Easter 2014

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 2014

Easter 2014

I'm a bit behind on blogging, so before I go into a blog about my last surgery, I want to post about the most important people in my life......my family.
This year was a fun Easter; I had all my children and grandchildren here for dinner and made these cute baskets for Recker and Ezra.

These were so fun to put together for Ezra and Recker.

We hid eggs (plastic) in the backyard, and they were not really hidden, the boys are too young to search, but boy, did they have fun finding them.

We are so blessed to have these cutie pies come to our family.

Recker..took off running for the pool--no stopping him.

Fun dinner outside--and on paper plates...

Jeremy ended up with his boys in the pool.

Singing happy birthday to Haleigh.

The most immense joy in my life is my children and grandchildren, I know my children get embarrassed by me, they get frustrated with me, and they are sometimes disappointed by me--but I love each of them for their individual talents and triumphs. I wish I was the "perfect" mother; in fact, I wish I knew a "perfect" mother, so I could read her book and learn from her....does she exist? I don't believe she does, I know I compare myself to other mothers who may have a better way of doing things, all I can do is be the best I can be today, and if I fail tomorrow, I will try again.

•  

Never Give Up

 

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2014

Never Give Up

I have to remind myself of this daily

Oh, how many times I've heard those words...."Never give up," but never have those words resonated with my soul as they did today. I've been dealing with this ear issue for over a year now; I said after my last surgery, "no more, I'm done, I can't do it anymore."
On December10, 2013 I went under the knife again; my time has been occupied with Mayo Clinic for over 4 years. I have lovely family and friends who have supported, prayed, fasted, and served me; most do it with no recognition, only pure intent of a good heart.

With so much time dedicated to Mayo Clinic, doctors, MRI, CAT scans, Bone scans, blood tests, etc., the list goes on and on. I have done everything my doctors have told me to do, and I have no regrets. My doctors have become my best friends, and Mayo Clinic is the 2nd home I never saw coming.

I love each and every one of the doctors on my team...but I need a life...outside of Mayo Clinic. I decided NO MORE SURGERY, no more putting bandaids on things. I missed a few appointments the last couple of weeks, and honestly, I didn't care a bit. I'm tired; I'm simply exhausted.

In January, I was approached by a dear friend with whom I have not had enough time, who has always stayed steady in checking in on me. Shelli asked me if I'd like two tickets to Barrett Jackson, Eric in his wisdom said, "let's go; it's time to get you out of this house" I have to admit I was feeling a little vulnerable with my ear exposed, worrying I would be bumped or touched during the rush of people, still we went.

When we arrived, Eric and I were greeted by Shelli; she took me to a booth where a few other old-time friends were working a booth for an anti-aging skin product called Nerium AD. I sat in the booth while Eric and Mark (Shelli's husband) strolled around, looking at all the awesome cars. I listened 1/2 way there and 1/2 way in another world--I saw all of these people, some of my close friends who I had not seen for so long, they were all so happy. Shelli asked me several times if I was OK, and I said I was fine, just watching them..she told me, "I'd really like to spend some time with you, and I have the perfect avenue to make that happen." My mind was telling me, "no, I'll just disappoint you. I can't fit this into my schedule," but my heart was saying, "Mayo is not your home; it's time to reclaim your life."

I've been so occupied thinking about dying I've forgotten to Live. I handed Shelli my credit card and signed up for a new life with Nerium. I bought my ticket to a national conference in St. Louis and went home.

I had no idea what I'd just done--either a Tender Mercy--or an impulsive buy. I'm not always good at making the best choices for myself. Mayo Clinic keeps calling, and I do not want to talk to anyone there.

I have continued to say, "I cannot handle any more surgery." But is that best for me or my family in the long run? I've met with Shelli weekly, and my circle of friends has grown. 

In St. Louis, I sat listening to a talk on Friday afternoon, taking notes, busily listening, and laughing with my friends; the speaker said 3 little words that popped me right back into reality--Mayo reality--those three words were "Never give up" it was as if the spirit was whispering to my heart, the tears bubbled up and flowed down my cheeks--I hurried to make a mad dash to the women's restroom, hoping no one would notice my emotional tears--I didn't want to bring them down off their high adrenaline rush. 

I sat in a bathroom stall with the door shut and the toilet seat down, staring at the purple doors, counting the tiles on the dirty floor--trying to compose myself--I did what I've done a million times--I prayed, yes I prayed in a purple painted, dirty floor, public bathroom. Usually, it's in the most random places and when I least expect it that the tears flow--a memory--a song-and in this case 3 words NEVER GIVE UP--I'm not giving up, I'm just reaching for something that inevitably in my mind is never going to happen--I am never going to be done fighting for my life--I feel like I fight these battles every other month, but will eventually lose the war.

The noise of all the women sharing their happiness, spreading their joy with each other, suddenly left. At the same time, I spoke to God--asking him, no begging him, first help me dry these eye's so no one would know--and 2nd to give me an answer, any answer, just please tell me what I'm supposed to do, what am supposed to be learning here? Suddenly, all the beautiful chatter of those women slowly began to be heard--I sat and cried a bit more, then stood up with my shoulders squared and head held high. I said, "I can do this" I put on my big girl panties and decided even if I'm never going to be given those 4 little words I've been dying to hear, "you are cancer free," I'm going to make time to clear my mind of cancer, step forward with confidence and spread some happiness, not only for me but for my future I just needed that moment to cry, cry with no one watching but my Heavenly Father--and I know it's hard for him to see, but for that moment I needed no one to ask me why I was crying. I just needed to let those emotions out. I've been forced to face deep pain, physically and spiritually. Mentally--I've been forced to face a villain, and there's nothing I can do but just get it out once in a while--I know this pain is not going away anytime soon.

For now, I am reclaiming my life, spending more time with friends I have not seen for so long, and Shelli was absolutely right when she told me this is the way for me to get away from my cancer world, even if it's for a weekend in St. Louis.

So tomorrow, I will again be headed to Mayo Clinic--being asked again about having another surgery--at this point tonight, I am not sure what I will say. I will not commit to anything I will listen with my heart.

• l

Walk With Me

 

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2014

Walk With Me

I've had another emotionally overwhelming week. I'm sitting on my bed rubbing medicine over and around the screw on the bone behind my ear, hoping it's enough, hoping the implant has done its job when I go to Mayo Clinic tomorrow. My skin has adhered to the bone around it enough to have the Baha placed over the screw, and finally, I will have some hearing. My doctor is out of town, so I will see his resident. My ear is infected and has not improved; one day, it will look green and constantly drip, the next day, it will look like black mold is growing in it.  

People come into our lives for a reason; nothing is left to fate.  

The above was written a couple of weeks ago:

I went back to Mayo Clinic and was able to see Dr. Barrs resident. She did a full examination, cleaned out the ear, pulled some dead black skin from the inner ear, they now have me using no antibiotic but asked me to rub a small amount of ointment just on the inside of the ear. I've been faithfully following directions. Tomorrow I will see the resident again--hopefully, some good news.