Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

 

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2014

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say; I went to Mayo Clinic today and will be back tomorrow. Today, my ear has suddenly decided to turn for the worse. Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow; I thought it might be some dried blood, but no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter, and I wanted to spend a wonderful day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day and had problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heartbeat. When I bowed my head during prayer, I thought my head was going to explode, and the equilibrium was off when I stood up. I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself. He is such an inspiration; few know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully; his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said, "Don't forget to Smile" I love that shirt--today, it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring his sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I met up with my dear friend Jori today; we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures. She is trying to move forward after the loss of her son CJ. She explained her Easter Sunday, my heart was whole; and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to. She's strong and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree when a storm is raging. Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, and tried the natural path; now it's time for me to decide if what I preach I can put into action. While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me; I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore. Today I saw another adorable resident; he looked in my ear, didn't say much, and left the room to get Dr. Barr's. When he came in, I said while holding out my shirt, "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive, he said, "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems. Boy, was I off. It was the opposite. He brought in Kathleen, his nurse, to look, then he and she sucked out what they could. They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, and I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices? I guess I've been hoping to put off the inevitable; I thought I would be more intelligent than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today. So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something? I've wanted to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps and reconnecting with friends. I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life; an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would be OK, but these weekly visits annoy me. Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, and trust in Him. Today I felt more alone than I have in an exceptionally long time. I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic; when I left, I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING! When searching for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back; he's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, I didn't feel it.

I'm scared; I know he knows my strength; I know He understands where my heart is; what is wrong this time? I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole that took me 4 years to crawl out of. I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today. Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID. I often want to go back to the days of no cell phones. I wish I could find the happiness I'm looking for. Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep; it's quiet here; Eric is asleep. I haven't even had time to talk to him today. These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30, when I will rise up and start my day again. I said, "I will not have another surgery, no more; I'm done; it's time to let it go and leave it in the Lord's hands."  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.